taking care of my selfworth....
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taking care of my selfworth....
After yesterday's events I went home lastnight........after work.....(I was later then usual)......we had unexpected company for about a half hour.....and then they left.......
I was making dinner lastnight.....while the company was there.......and after they left I was still making dinner......my husband went down in the basement to work on the computer for awhile.......
We all ate dinner but him.......he chose not to eat with us.....(I let that part go awhile ago)....so I am okay with that.....he chose to stay downstairs till 9:00 pm working on the computer.......I was in the living room watching tv by myself......I had settled the kids down at 8:00...........so I was enjoying a program on tv......
MY husband comes up stairs at 9:00 and says arent you coming to bed.........I didnt want to.......just because he was done doing what he wanted and he was ready for bed....doesnt mean I am ready.......right?.....He says to me well I have to get up early and I want some............and he got mad because I didnt go to bed with him........I am okay with this......just because he finally at 9:00 pm decides he is done doing what he wanted......and hasnt even acknowledged that I was there before.....(expcept to come up and eat dinner an hour and half after the rest of us ate).........the only time he comes to me and tries to be nice is went he wants something........other than that I dont exist........So in my opinion at 9:00 pm I was still in non-existance mode and he was invading my space........
What scares me is the past...........if he cant get to me with words, intimidation, or just plain bullying, I have in the back of mind that he may get abusive with me.......and that sways my decisions sometimes......I do things that I dont want to do.....because of this.....and that lowers my self worth.......because I am doing something out of fear........(I dont mean any wierd stuff) I dont know how to figure this one out..............I think the only way I am going to ever feel safe again........is if I leave him........I had this fear lastnight because I said how I really felt and I did what I wanted to do.........but he is not going to continue to hear no.........but the way I am feeling most times..........the answer will be no........because 90% of the time I dont want to......
I am not being mean to him.......I just dont want to.........I am just taking care of myself.......
I was making dinner lastnight.....while the company was there.......and after they left I was still making dinner......my husband went down in the basement to work on the computer for awhile.......
We all ate dinner but him.......he chose not to eat with us.....(I let that part go awhile ago)....so I am okay with that.....he chose to stay downstairs till 9:00 pm working on the computer.......I was in the living room watching tv by myself......I had settled the kids down at 8:00...........so I was enjoying a program on tv......
MY husband comes up stairs at 9:00 and says arent you coming to bed.........I didnt want to.......just because he was done doing what he wanted and he was ready for bed....doesnt mean I am ready.......right?.....He says to me well I have to get up early and I want some............and he got mad because I didnt go to bed with him........I am okay with this......just because he finally at 9:00 pm decides he is done doing what he wanted......and hasnt even acknowledged that I was there before.....(expcept to come up and eat dinner an hour and half after the rest of us ate).........the only time he comes to me and tries to be nice is went he wants something........other than that I dont exist........So in my opinion at 9:00 pm I was still in non-existance mode and he was invading my space........
What scares me is the past...........if he cant get to me with words, intimidation, or just plain bullying, I have in the back of mind that he may get abusive with me.......and that sways my decisions sometimes......I do things that I dont want to do.....because of this.....and that lowers my self worth.......because I am doing something out of fear........(I dont mean any wierd stuff) I dont know how to figure this one out..............I think the only way I am going to ever feel safe again........is if I leave him........I had this fear lastnight because I said how I really felt and I did what I wanted to do.........but he is not going to continue to hear no.........but the way I am feeling most times..........the answer will be no........because 90% of the time I dont want to......
I am not being mean to him.......I just dont want to.........I am just taking care of myself.......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Well Gracey in my opinion this will need to be dealt with at some point, maybe sooner than expected.
It is one of those things you really can't put off. It will be a day of reckoning when you finally talk to him and it may very well be the end of your marriage. Your husband sounds like a big jerk and a bully and will only look at your refusal as a way to "get back at him".
You are doing so well, keep the momentum going!
It is one of those things you really can't put off. It will be a day of reckoning when you finally talk to him and it may very well be the end of your marriage. Your husband sounds like a big jerk and a bully and will only look at your refusal as a way to "get back at him".
You are doing so well, keep the momentum going!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
Gracey...you said..".What scares me is the past...........if he cant get to me with words, intimidation, or just plain bullying, I have in the back of mind that he may get abusive with me."
Maybe your gut feelings are telling you something. I would hate to see you get badly injured by your AH. I don't have any good words of wisdom to offer you...but I do know what it is like living with a alcoholic husband. It is pure H?LL! Please take care of yourself and kids. Please keep posting. bj
Maybe your gut feelings are telling you something. I would hate to see you get badly injured by your AH. I don't have any good words of wisdom to offer you...but I do know what it is like living with a alcoholic husband. It is pure H?LL! Please take care of yourself and kids. Please keep posting. bj
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Gracey -
I think that the MOST important thing is for you to keep you and your kids safe from harm. If you feel like you have to do something to keep yourself safe, you should do it and not feel bad about it.
You are making so much progress in your recovery. I can see it in your posts. It all takes time. Don't feel like you are compromising your recovery. You are protecting yourself and your kids.
Stay safe and keep working on you. That's all you have to do. Everything else will fall into place.
Hugs - L
I think that the MOST important thing is for you to keep you and your kids safe from harm. If you feel like you have to do something to keep yourself safe, you should do it and not feel bad about it.
You are making so much progress in your recovery. I can see it in your posts. It all takes time. Don't feel like you are compromising your recovery. You are protecting yourself and your kids.
Stay safe and keep working on you. That's all you have to do. Everything else will fall into place.
Hugs - L
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Gracey... I also see progress in your recovery and it takes a lot of courage to say no when you don't want to do something. I hope that you have a plan to put into place if you think he's going to get physical with you.
Please keep coming here and let us know how it goes with you.
Please keep coming here and let us know how it goes with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Gracey =
Why exactly do you stay married to this man? Do you love him? Do you need him? Does he make you happy? Is he a good husband? Is he a good parent? Do you look forward to coming hom to him everyday? Does he make you feel good? Does he treat your children well and make them feel loved? Have you figured out why you stay with him? Please answer these questions for yourself. After you answer each and every one of them you should be able to figure out what you want and need to do for yourself and for your kids.
Big hugs and prayers for you as you decide what you want to do.
Jo
Why exactly do you stay married to this man? Do you love him? Do you need him? Does he make you happy? Is he a good husband? Is he a good parent? Do you look forward to coming hom to him everyday? Does he make you feel good? Does he treat your children well and make them feel loved? Have you figured out why you stay with him? Please answer these questions for yourself. After you answer each and every one of them you should be able to figure out what you want and need to do for yourself and for your kids.
Big hugs and prayers for you as you decide what you want to do.
Jo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by jojo
Gracey =
Why exactly do you stay married to this man? Do you love him? Do you need him? Does he make you happy? Is he a good husband? Is he a good parent? Do you look forward to coming hom to him everyday? Does he make you feel good? Does he treat your children well and make them feel loved? Have you figured out why you stay with him? Please answer these questions for yourself. After you answer each and every one of them you should be able to figure out what you want and need to do for yourself and for your kids.
Big hugs and prayers for you as you decide what you want to do.
Jo
Why exactly do you stay married to this man? Do you love him? Do you need him? Does he make you happy? Is he a good husband? Is he a good parent? Do you look forward to coming hom to him everyday? Does he make you feel good? Does he treat your children well and make them feel loved? Have you figured out why you stay with him? Please answer these questions for yourself. After you answer each and every one of them you should be able to figure out what you want and need to do for yourself and for your kids.
Big hugs and prayers for you as you decide what you want to do.
Jo
I agre so much with you.
Everyone here should ask themselfs the same things.
After detatching from my AH for a few years, I asked myself the same questoins and decided it was time to ask him to leave. I just could not face retiring in my older years with an AH
Thanks for being so truthfull with your post.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
gracey - as the others have said above, you have made wonderful leaps in your recovery. there was a thread a while back i think about gut feelings/intuition, etc. and how they are usually right on. prayers and hugs to you for your safety and serenity! cwohio
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