Is it possible for marriage to survive?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I wasnt addressing her husbands verbal abuse, or his anger AT ALL in my post.
and yet this the dangerous and damaging situation SHE is in, very much pregnant with a small child. abuse cannot be tolerated at all. her child is hearing all this, seeing all this. she is very upset while carrying a small life within her. SHE should be the focus here, not what talk therapy might DO for them as a couple down the road. perhaps you were willing to put up with abusive episodes, which is of course your choice. but it is downright dangerous to suggest others do so....
court, i am so relieved to hear you left the premises this weekend. you deserve safety, sanity and security. perhaps staying away is the BEST to assure that. i hope you are able to get some rest and get some food down. please take care.
and yet this the dangerous and damaging situation SHE is in, very much pregnant with a small child. abuse cannot be tolerated at all. her child is hearing all this, seeing all this. she is very upset while carrying a small life within her. SHE should be the focus here, not what talk therapy might DO for them as a couple down the road. perhaps you were willing to put up with abusive episodes, which is of course your choice. but it is downright dangerous to suggest others do so....
court, i am so relieved to hear you left the premises this weekend. you deserve safety, sanity and security. perhaps staying away is the BEST to assure that. i hope you are able to get some rest and get some food down. please take care.
The rest of you are doing a fine job expressing your views over his language and mood. We all dont need to jump on the bandwagon if we have other comments to make about a segment of her post.
at least thats my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Wisconsin
I'm going to disagree with this statement. There is A LOT of evidence that entering into couples therapy with an active addict who is also abusive can create situations where the addict/abuser can take advantage of the other spouse. Therapy involves being very vulnerable and disclosing the worst of yourself (and, presumably, your partner doing the same). An active addict--especially an abuser--may NOT treat therapy as a two-way street, and absolutely can use the things disclosed by the other partner as ways to ramp up abuse. The involvement of a "qualified doctor" makes no difference. Many, many, many of us here went down this road, and the bottom line is that if an addict isn't ready to sober up, he/she is almost totally incapable of contributing to couples therapy what needs to be contributed. In cases of active addiction AND abuse, it can escalate the danger for the other partner.
My husband was both physically and verbally abusive when he was using. I have yet to meet too many people on this site who have actually engaged in couples therapy. Ive asked many times ... but I do know I was warned by members of this site that it was a bad idea in my case.
Make from it what you will.
If I was recommending it: I would say since he is going to start an outpatient program, wait and see how it goes for at least a couple of months.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The rest of you are doing a fine job expressing your views over his language and mood. We all dont need to jump on the bandwagon if we have other comments to make about a segment of her post.
do you even hear yourself? the situation described is not a guy with a headache being a smidge cranky.....he's a continually verbally abusive and active alcoholic. stressing the importance of protecting oneself and one's children from domestic abuse is not a bandwagon.........
do you even hear yourself? the situation described is not a guy with a headache being a smidge cranky.....he's a continually verbally abusive and active alcoholic. stressing the importance of protecting oneself and one's children from domestic abuse is not a bandwagon.........
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
The rest of you are doing a fine job expressing your views over his language and mood. We all dont need to jump on the bandwagon if we have other comments to make about a segment of her post.
do you even hear yourself? the situation described is not a guy with a headache being a smidge cranky.....he's a continually verbally abusive and active alcoholic. stressing the importance of protecting oneself and one's children from domestic abuse is not a bandwagon.........
do you even hear yourself? the situation described is not a guy with a headache being a smidge cranky.....he's a continually verbally abusive and active alcoholic. stressing the importance of protecting oneself and one's children from domestic abuse is not a bandwagon.........
I wasnt in denial of this.. but my thoughts were jumbled, and I was confused, scared, and didnt know what move to make next. What helped me was when I began to see the therapist and you know what.. everything was met with calm, not drama. Shares and facts were presented to me in that manner and it helped me calm down so I could look at my own situation in a balanced way.
Im not sure what to say.. I dont think I said anything improper to the poster here. I was only sharing how my own husband went on a binge a few days before he went into treatment, and Ive heard its common.
If you have fault with this comment and think its not common then share your experience.
The only other thing I can suggest is to stop and ask yourself why you are so upset that Im not reacting and responding the way YOU think I should about the remainder of the post.
If you want to send me a PM that might be more appropriate then diverting from the topic of this thread.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
What helped me was when I began to see the therapist and you know what.. everything was met with calm, not drama. Shares and facts were presented to me in that manner and it helped me calm down so I could look at my own situation in a balanced way.
Just been honest here aliciagra but you come off as being a minimizer of problems. Not just other peoples but your own. I think that is what upsets people here. Therapy is all well and good but you come over as being detached from the feelings the situation you were in gave you and have endless optimism for people who clearly need help get out and stay out of theirs.
Just been honest here aliciagra but you come off as being a minimizer of problems. Not just other peoples but your own. I think that is what upsets people here. Therapy is all well and good but you come over as being detached from the feelings the situation you were in gave you and have endless optimism for people who clearly need help get out and stay out of theirs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Court, when you stated you didn't know whether to stay in this marriage or not, I just wanted to add that every time he chooses the abuse and the alcohol he is NOT choosing the marriage. I think you are doing a great job making the steps necessary to begin your journey. Some days will be baby steps, some days will be simply making it to the next hour, and then there will be days that you finally see the fog lifted and you know the answer to your own questions...it takes time and you will get there. Be safe and big hugs your way!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
I suggest finding a councelor who has some sort background in drug and alcohol counseling.. (LDAC) knowing what the letters stand for is important when choosing who to see. The Counselor we see is not a LDAC, but studied that field, only stopping short of the license and instead getting her LSW (licensed social worker)...she has, however, worked many hours in rehabs, and the field of addiction! I find that this has been imperative to her understanding the situation at hand! If he decides to follow thru with the out patient, you must realize that it will still take a long time for the "alcoholic thinking" and ways of being, to change. He has lived for quite a while drinking away his problems to not have to deal with anything and excusing everything, while living in the fog of alcohol! He has to learn a new way to live and behave...there are no quick fixes. And no guarantees! You are the only person you can fix or controll. Learn to take care of you and make good decisions for your children. Remember to live in today, one day at a time...Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
You do not deserve this abuse. It is the extreme opposite of
loving & caring behavior, alcohol/drug abuse or not.
When you consider the extraordinary demands a new baby
places on you, how do you see yourself handling it living in
this degrading abusive situation?
For yourself & your children - be safe now. Stay with family
until and if he can become a decent partner to you & father
to your children.
loving & caring behavior, alcohol/drug abuse or not.
When you consider the extraordinary demands a new baby
places on you, how do you see yourself handling it living in
this degrading abusive situation?
For yourself & your children - be safe now. Stay with family
until and if he can become a decent partner to you & father
to your children.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Courtcd
I can almost guarantee I'm feeling the effects of anxiety and depression. I'm feeling so down and hurt now. After baby is born, I definitely need to go on some sort of meds.
My husband is secretly drinking randomly and even when he's not, he just is so angry. He tells me to shut the F up on a nightly basis even sober. He tells me improve your attitude and I will love you and that I'm bringing this on myself. I know I'm not helping by constantly bringing issues up, but I cant stop. He ignores me and looks at me with disgust and tells me how his friends feel so sorry that he's stuck with me.... yet he's the one who says he wants to make things work. Hes the one who goes on a drinking binge fest when I go out of town to visit my family. He says I abandoned him and that's why he did that. Is this him or alcohol. Does he really love me? This just doesn't seem normal.
My husband is secretly drinking randomly and even when he's not, he just is so angry. He tells me to shut the F up on a nightly basis even sober. He tells me improve your attitude and I will love you and that I'm bringing this on myself. I know I'm not helping by constantly bringing issues up, but I cant stop. He ignores me and looks at me with disgust and tells me how his friends feel so sorry that he's stuck with me.... yet he's the one who says he wants to make things work. Hes the one who goes on a drinking binge fest when I go out of town to visit my family. He says I abandoned him and that's why he did that. Is this him or alcohol. Does he really love me? This just doesn't seem normal.
And you are not responsible for his actions in any way. It is not up to you to go to therapy and try to learn to accommodate his behavior and work it out. As if you are somehow responsible for it or have any control over it whatsoever. I am sorry that you had to read that message.
Therapy and support for you though would be a good thing. Living with someone else's addiction will over time make us sick too. Adding abuse to the equation makes it much worse. I've been there.
Support, self-awareness, understanding fully that his behavior was not my fault or under my control was the first step toward my own recovery. Getting away from him was the second step. Life is much better for me now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: St. Augustine, FL
Posts: 2
Courtcd - your story is my story and my husband acted the same way. I learned in Al-Anon that it is a progressive disease that I didn't cause, couldn't control or cure. You have to understand that fact. I left with my teenagers after a particularly dramatic evening after 22 years of marriage. It was very hard but I had no choice. Nothing I had done to "fix" things over the years worked. I was exhausted and finally understood that the problem was not mine to fix. What is mine to fix is the parts I owned in this dance. I am still learning about this and about the me that I had ignored so many years. Guess what happened? My husband went to rehab and appears to be working the AA steps, going to therapy and counseling. I say "appears" because I don't know for sure because I am staying in my own lane. Believe me, I want my marriage to work too, but we had no chance if I had stayed. Jury still out.....love to you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I think a marriage can survive but it can not thrive. People can not thrive when there is abuse.
I stayed so focused on my husband that everything else became a second thought. Now that the drinking and abuse has stopped the children and I can enjoy ourselves. I have so much more confidence because I stated no more. I had to say that to myself repeatedly before I was ready to take action.
Take care of yourself.
I stayed so focused on my husband that everything else became a second thought. Now that the drinking and abuse has stopped the children and I can enjoy ourselves. I have so much more confidence because I stated no more. I had to say that to myself repeatedly before I was ready to take action.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by punkinn
Believe me, I want my marriage to work too, but we had no chance if I had stayed. Jury still out.....love to you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
