Is it possible for marriage to survive?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 7
I can almost guarantee I'm feeling the effects of anxiety and depression. I'm feeling so down and hurt now. After baby is born, I definitely need to go on some sort of meds.
My husband is secretly drinking randomly and even when he's not, he just is so angry. He tells me to shut the F up on a nightly basis even sober. He tells me improve your attitude and I will love you and that I'm bringing this on myself. I know I'm not helping by constantly bringing issues up, but I cant stop. He ignores me and looks at me with disgust and tells me how his friends feel so sorry that he's stuck with me.... yet he's the one who says he wants to make things work. Hes the one who goes on a drinking binge fest when I go out of town to visit my family. He says I abandoned him and that's why he did that. Is this him or alcohol. Does he really love me? This just doesn't seem normal.
My husband is secretly drinking randomly and even when he's not, he just is so angry. He tells me to shut the F up on a nightly basis even sober. He tells me improve your attitude and I will love you and that I'm bringing this on myself. I know I'm not helping by constantly bringing issues up, but I cant stop. He ignores me and looks at me with disgust and tells me how his friends feel so sorry that he's stuck with me.... yet he's the one who says he wants to make things work. Hes the one who goes on a drinking binge fest when I go out of town to visit my family. He says I abandoned him and that's why he did that. Is this him or alcohol. Does he really love me? This just doesn't seem normal.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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So sorry you're having these hurtful words said to you while you're carrying his baby. Being told to shut the f up is not in any way acceptable, in fact it's disrespectful and abusive. Please don't believe anything about his friends who probably know exactly who he is.
A's often try to transfer the responsibility for their drinking to someone else. It could be children, girlfriends, bosses, anyone as long as it's not them.
You ask whether this is him or the alcohol. Well it's both. There are plenty of As who aren't abusive and I assume he isn't like this to his friends, even when he's been drinking.
You say your family is out of town. Would it help if you could get away and experience a little calmness before the baby is born? I worry for you having to cope with all this, plus a baby.
A's often try to transfer the responsibility for their drinking to someone else. It could be children, girlfriends, bosses, anyone as long as it's not them.
You ask whether this is him or the alcohol. Well it's both. There are plenty of As who aren't abusive and I assume he isn't like this to his friends, even when he's been drinking.
You say your family is out of town. Would it help if you could get away and experience a little calmness before the baby is born? I worry for you having to cope with all this, plus a baby.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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The verbal abuse is unacceptable. Has he ever been physically threatening toward you? I'm concerned because he appears to be trying to cut you off from your family. I've worked in the domestic violence field professionally for a long time, and I see some serious red flags here. I'd suggest calling the National DV Hotline and/or your local women's shelter to speak with an advocate. You should understand that abuse is a separate issue from the alcoholism.
I think you have to be careful about medicating yourself, when there's a good chance the likely source of your anxiety and depression is the way you are being treated. Sometimes the answer is to relieve the CAUSE of the anxiety and depression. I would try to find a good therapist first and try to untangle what's going on. Preferably someone with experience dealing with trauma and/or the effects of abuse.
I think you have to be careful about medicating yourself, when there's a good chance the likely source of your anxiety and depression is the way you are being treated. Sometimes the answer is to relieve the CAUSE of the anxiety and depression. I would try to find a good therapist first and try to untangle what's going on. Preferably someone with experience dealing with trauma and/or the effects of abuse.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I think a marriage can survive alcohol addiction but not the abuse he is dishing out to you on a daily basis. As Lexie has said abuse is a separate issue and nothing to do with his drinking. Most alcoholics are not abusive.
I think you feel too scared to act cos he has undermined you for so long. You can be alone and you will do well but you need to know that inside yourself. A good therapist would help you to see a way forward.
I think you feel too scared to act cos he has undermined you for so long. You can be alone and you will do well but you need to know that inside yourself. A good therapist would help you to see a way forward.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Gosh, honey, your situation sounds so similar to mine, and I can remember feeling exactly the way you describe when I was in the thick of it: anxious, depressed, and desperate. I felt so overwhelmed most of the time to the point that I was becoming incapable of caring for myself let alone our daughter--and, trust me, he was little to no help in that department.
Even when I was pregnant, he was being emotionally abusive, hiding his drinking and lying about it, and putting me in a lot of compromising and stressful positions I had no business being in during my pregnancy. When I was three months pregnant, AXBF hired a mobile vet to euthanize his dog. I came home from the gym the evening of the appointment to find a dead dog in the living room and AXBF nowhere to be found. I later found out he was in jail for being drunk and aggressive with the mobile vet. When I was eight months pregnant, AXBF invited his friends over to partake in some booze and pot. This was after midnight and after I had gone to bed because he knew I wouldn't approve. One of his friends stumbled around in the back yard near the bedroom window, making a loud noise and waking me up. When I confronted AXBF about it, he completely ignored me, no response, not even eye contact, in front of his friends. It sounds like both our partners think it's completely acceptable to treat a pregnant woman with no respect or consideration.
And it only got worse after the baby was born. That was when he really amped up the crazy. He called me "effing stupid" and the C-word. He called me a bad mother and accused me of neglecting our daughter. He threatened to F me up and threatened to take our daughter. He also had the audacity, even though he was the one acting like a manic madman, to suggest I was suffering from hormones gone awry or post-partum depression. Even when I tried to help him with counseling, both individual and couples, he completely sabotaged it.
That was the last straw for me. Once he made it very clear that HE was his first priority, not me, and certainly not his daughter, I was done. No more crying, no more making excuses for him, no more wondering what more I could do. I knew, with absolute certainty, I had to protect my daughter from this insanity, that I would be doing her no favors by keeping him around "for her sake."
One thing you can trust is that when you are really done, you'll know it. It's different for everyone. For now, I hope you're being kind and gentle with yourself, seeking help when you need it, and trying to give yourself and your children some joy amidst the chaos. Whether you stay or go, we're all here to support you. But as someone who has been there, I would recommend going--and soon.
Even when I was pregnant, he was being emotionally abusive, hiding his drinking and lying about it, and putting me in a lot of compromising and stressful positions I had no business being in during my pregnancy. When I was three months pregnant, AXBF hired a mobile vet to euthanize his dog. I came home from the gym the evening of the appointment to find a dead dog in the living room and AXBF nowhere to be found. I later found out he was in jail for being drunk and aggressive with the mobile vet. When I was eight months pregnant, AXBF invited his friends over to partake in some booze and pot. This was after midnight and after I had gone to bed because he knew I wouldn't approve. One of his friends stumbled around in the back yard near the bedroom window, making a loud noise and waking me up. When I confronted AXBF about it, he completely ignored me, no response, not even eye contact, in front of his friends. It sounds like both our partners think it's completely acceptable to treat a pregnant woman with no respect or consideration.
And it only got worse after the baby was born. That was when he really amped up the crazy. He called me "effing stupid" and the C-word. He called me a bad mother and accused me of neglecting our daughter. He threatened to F me up and threatened to take our daughter. He also had the audacity, even though he was the one acting like a manic madman, to suggest I was suffering from hormones gone awry or post-partum depression. Even when I tried to help him with counseling, both individual and couples, he completely sabotaged it.
That was the last straw for me. Once he made it very clear that HE was his first priority, not me, and certainly not his daughter, I was done. No more crying, no more making excuses for him, no more wondering what more I could do. I knew, with absolute certainty, I had to protect my daughter from this insanity, that I would be doing her no favors by keeping him around "for her sake."
One thing you can trust is that when you are really done, you'll know it. It's different for everyone. For now, I hope you're being kind and gentle with yourself, seeking help when you need it, and trying to give yourself and your children some joy amidst the chaos. Whether you stay or go, we're all here to support you. But as someone who has been there, I would recommend going--and soon.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Courtcd 
After baby is born, I definitely need to go on some sort of meds.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He tells me to shut the F up on a nightly basis even sober.
nobody should hear that.....at least not from a loved one and not all the time. that is not coming from someone who loves you, cherishes you, respects you, cares about you.
He ignores me and looks at me with disgust and tells me how his friends feel so sorry that he's stuck with me...
then set him free. he's not worth the time or energy........
nobody should hear that.....at least not from a loved one and not all the time. that is not coming from someone who loves you, cherishes you, respects you, cares about you.
He ignores me and looks at me with disgust and tells me how his friends feel so sorry that he's stuck with me...
then set him free. he's not worth the time or energy........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by SaveHer
Gosh, honey, your situation sounds so similar to mine, and I can remember feeling exactly the way you describe when I was in the thick of it: anxious, depressed, and desperate. I felt so overwhelmed most of the time to the point that I was becoming incapable of caring for myself let alone our daughter--and, trust me, he was little to no help in that department.
Even when I was pregnant, he was being emotionally abusive, hiding his drinking and lying about it, and putting me in a lot of compromising and stressful positions I had no business being in during my pregnancy. When I was three months pregnant, AXBF hired a mobile vet to euthanize his dog. I came home from the gym the evening of the appointment to find a dead dog in the living room and AXBF nowhere to be found. I later found out he was in jail for being drunk and aggressive with the mobile vet. When I was eight months pregnant, AXBF invited his friends over to partake in some booze and pot. This was after midnight and after I had gone to bed because he knew I wouldn't approve. One of his friends stumbled around in the back yard near the bedroom window, making a loud noise and waking me up. When I confronted AXBF about it, he completely ignored me, no response, not even eye contact, in front of his friends. It sounds like both our partners think it's completely acceptable to treat a pregnant woman with no respect or consideration.
And it only got worse after the baby was born. That was when he really amped up the crazy. He called me "effing stupid" and the C-word. He called me a bad mother and accused me of neglecting our daughter. He threatened to F me up and threatened to take our daughter. He also had the audacity, even though he was the one acting like a manic madman, to suggest I was suffering from hormones gone awry or post-partum depression. Even when I tried to help him with counseling, both individual and couples, he completely sabotaged it.
That was the last straw for me. Once he made it very clear that HE was his first priority, not me, and certainly not his daughter, I was done. No more crying, no more making excuses for him, no more wondering what more I could do. I knew, with absolute certainty, I had to protect my daughter from this insanity, that I would be doing her no favors by keeping him around "for her sake."
One thing you can trust is that when you are really done, you'll know it. It's different for everyone. For now, I hope you're being kind and gentle with yourself, seeking help when you need it, and trying to give yourself and your children some joy amidst the chaos. Whether you stay or go, we're all here to support you. But as someone who has been there, I would recommend going--and soon.
Even when I was pregnant, he was being emotionally abusive, hiding his drinking and lying about it, and putting me in a lot of compromising and stressful positions I had no business being in during my pregnancy. When I was three months pregnant, AXBF hired a mobile vet to euthanize his dog. I came home from the gym the evening of the appointment to find a dead dog in the living room and AXBF nowhere to be found. I later found out he was in jail for being drunk and aggressive with the mobile vet. When I was eight months pregnant, AXBF invited his friends over to partake in some booze and pot. This was after midnight and after I had gone to bed because he knew I wouldn't approve. One of his friends stumbled around in the back yard near the bedroom window, making a loud noise and waking me up. When I confronted AXBF about it, he completely ignored me, no response, not even eye contact, in front of his friends. It sounds like both our partners think it's completely acceptable to treat a pregnant woman with no respect or consideration.
And it only got worse after the baby was born. That was when he really amped up the crazy. He called me "effing stupid" and the C-word. He called me a bad mother and accused me of neglecting our daughter. He threatened to F me up and threatened to take our daughter. He also had the audacity, even though he was the one acting like a manic madman, to suggest I was suffering from hormones gone awry or post-partum depression. Even when I tried to help him with counseling, both individual and couples, he completely sabotaged it.
That was the last straw for me. Once he made it very clear that HE was his first priority, not me, and certainly not his daughter, I was done. No more crying, no more making excuses for him, no more wondering what more I could do. I knew, with absolute certainty, I had to protect my daughter from this insanity, that I would be doing her no favors by keeping him around "for her sake."
One thing you can trust is that when you are really done, you'll know it. It's different for everyone. For now, I hope you're being kind and gentle with yourself, seeking help when you need it, and trying to give yourself and your children some joy amidst the chaos. Whether you stay or go, we're all here to support you. But as someone who has been there, I would recommend going--and soon.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Please talk to your doctor about the anxiety and depression. Its a medical issue and often people just dont snap out of it. Im expecting also, and that alone has joy and worries. Dealing with a spouse currently drinking takes it to a whole other level.
I dont want to downplay your husbands behavior at all ! BUT, Ive been told its normal for people to go on benders before starting treatment. My husband did the same thing when he was just days away, and wont go into details but it created a mess. I hope his outpatient helps. Please continue to take care of yourself and the little one.
I dont want to downplay your husbands behavior at all ! BUT, Ive been told its normal for people to go on benders before starting treatment. My husband did the same thing when he was just days away, and wont go into details but it created a mess. I hope his outpatient helps. Please continue to take care of yourself and the little one.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi courtcd.
So sorry for your awful predicament.
It sounds as though you are very much aware that none of this is normal or healthy.
Try to take the focus off of him and put it back on you and your innocent children - you all deserve so much more than this.
Best wishes
So sorry for your awful predicament.
It sounds as though you are very much aware that none of this is normal or healthy.
Try to take the focus off of him and put it back on you and your innocent children - you all deserve so much more than this.
Best wishes
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 39
Any kind of abuse should not be tolerated. Do not allow him to verbally abuse you. The minute he says something ugly to you, stop him immediately and let him know that you do not deserve to be spoken to like that. Maybe couples therapy can help.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Please talk to your doctor about the anxiety and depression. Its a medical issue and often people just dont snap out of it. Im expecting also, and that alone has joy and worries. Dealing with a spouse currently drinking takes it to a whole other level.
I dont want to downplay your husbands behavior at all ! BUT, Ive been told its normal for people to go on benders before starting treatment. My husband did the same thing when he was just days away, and wont go into details but it created a mess. I hope his outpatient helps. Please continue to take care of yourself and the little one.
I dont want to downplay your husbands behavior at all ! BUT, Ive been told its normal for people to go on benders before starting treatment. My husband did the same thing when he was just days away, and wont go into details but it created a mess. I hope his outpatient helps. Please continue to take care of yourself and the little one.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by totallytrying
Court posted, "My husband is secretly drinking randomly and even when he's not, he just is so angry. He tells me to shut the F up on a nightly basis even sober. " What does this have to do with "going on a bender". He's abusing her every day and you ARE downplaying it.
The fact that hes starting an intensive outpatient program tomorrow and has been drunk or out of it most of the weekend shows me hes that much further from recovery then i thought.
I wasnt addressing her husbands verbal abuse, or his anger AT ALL in my post.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by TropicalWinter
Couples therapy will do no good whatsoever as long as he's drinking. Couples therapy is also not a good idea if a spouse is abusive.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This weekend I've stayed away from it all and didn't stay at the house. I think being away from it has given me some sanity and a chance to breath. He's into himself and nobody else.
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http://www.co.washington.or.us/Commu...Couples-DV.pdf
This is an interesting article, for those who may be interested......
This is an interesting article, for those who may be interested......
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I dont think its ever a bad idea to look into couples therapy as long as you are using a qualified doctor. My husband and I started when he was in treatment, and he also had physical and verbally abusive episodes towards me when he was using substances. It was helpful in my case.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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I wasnt addressing her husbands verbal abuse, or his anger AT ALL in my post.
and yet this the dangerous and damaging situation SHE is in, very much pregnant with a small child. abuse cannot be tolerated at all. her child is hearing all this, seeing all this. she is very upset while carrying a small life within her. SHE should be the focus here, not what talk therapy might DO for them as a couple down the road. perhaps you were willing to put up with abusive episodes, which is of course your choice. but it is downright dangerous to suggest others do so....
court, i am so relieved to hear you left the premises this weekend. you deserve safety, sanity and security. perhaps staying away is the BEST to assure that. i hope you are able to get some rest and get some food down. please take care.
and yet this the dangerous and damaging situation SHE is in, very much pregnant with a small child. abuse cannot be tolerated at all. her child is hearing all this, seeing all this. she is very upset while carrying a small life within her. SHE should be the focus here, not what talk therapy might DO for them as a couple down the road. perhaps you were willing to put up with abusive episodes, which is of course your choice. but it is downright dangerous to suggest others do so....
court, i am so relieved to hear you left the premises this weekend. you deserve safety, sanity and security. perhaps staying away is the BEST to assure that. i hope you are able to get some rest and get some food down. please take care.
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