MarieCat

Actually I probably was instrumental in him losing his latest job.
Often at night when he is drunk he would send what we termed "drunk emails". They were always one of two types - the "I'm right and you are all wrong so F*** you all" or the "Poor me everyone is against me" type. He was obviously incoherently drunk and sent a "Poor me" email to his boss. His boss contacted me via email saying he was really concerned for his wellbeing. I emailed back saying I thought is was a typical drunk email and he would wake up the next day completely fine - like he always did. Then the bosses wife emailed me privately saying she didn't like being around him (the business is home based) and they were considering letting him go - but she was terrified he was going to do something to himself. So I gave her the emergency phone numbers for the mental health team he has previously been under and where his records are. The next day he was told he didn't have a job anymore. I didn't know what else to do - as much as I cant stand him right now I cant wish harm on him and these people were obviously dragged into something they shouldn't have been. So I probably did contribute to his job loss.
Thank you all for your comments - they help me a lot.
Right now I wake wondering what each day will bring, and if I have done the right thing.
If I'm honest in the back of my mind I wish he would hit his rock bottom finally and see he needs serious help and serious changes in his life. I cant help but think if he became 100% sober and worked on other issues we might still have a chance at working things out. Do you think this is possible? Or would I just be getting back on his crazy train?

mylifeismine

."Then the bosses wife emailed me privately saying she didn't like being around him (the business is home based) and they were considering letting him go....."

^This is nothing you did, see? At some point, the self blame is nothing
more than self abuse. If you are willing to learn new ways of thinking
and seeing your relationships - with others and most importantly with
yourself- you will start to be kinder to yourself and your life will
slowly start to change for the better.

SparkleKitty

Losing his job, like everything else he has lost--including you, is a consequence of his choices.

LexieCat

You were simply honest with someone who had every right to know what the hell was going on with his employee, and asked you a direct question about it. If you had lied and made up an excuse, you would simply have been enabling--protecting him from the natural consequences of his actions.

This is ENTIRELY on him, not you.

mylifeismine

If I were you, I would get screened for STD's since he has been
seeing prostitutes. Take care of you.

AnvilheadII

I cant help but think if he became 100% sober and worked on other issues we might still have a chance at working things out.

uh........no. you have had a Protection Order since 2009 against this guy, altho it went into some type of hold. that's EIGHT YEARS. whatever he did then he is still capable of TODAY.

he was also having sex with hookers. alcohol doesn't MAKE someone do that. that is a conscious CHOICE. often there are drugs involved as well since hookers know where to get drugs, so get a hooker, get some dope and let 'er happen.

it's time to get both feet firmly planted in reality. this guy ain't the guy. this guy possible gave you an STD. this guy lies. abuses. on and on and on.

he lost his job due to HIS behaviors, not yours. he drunk emailed the boss. the boss's wife said he made her uncomfortable, creeped her out. they let him go. consequences.

honeypig

I've heard it said that A's don't so much lose things as give them up...seems that might be accurate here.

dandylion

Mariecat...to answer your question of "would I just be getting back on the crazy train?".......the short answer is, Yes!

FallenAngelina

There is no such thing as rock bottom, there is just a point at which an addict decides to change his life. Many addicts never decide to do the work of changing their lives. How many more mornings are you willing to devote to "wondering what each day will bring, and if you have done the right thing?"

hopeful4

Do you see what started all of this, HIS DRUNKEN EMAIL. His actions, not yours. You were truthful and did absolutely nothing wrong. You did not contribute to how he acts around them making them uncomfortable. Stop blaming yourself, and stop wishing for something that will not happen. I am sorry, I don't mean to be blunt, however, I cannot hear you blame yourself for this.

MarieCat

It is so much quieter and more relaxed at home now without him. My eldest son told me last night that he had a nightmare that I let his Dad come back home again. The few people I have told that I kicked him out have congratulated me!
He hasn't contacted anyone but our daughter (she hasn't lived at home the last two and a half years so to some degree has been removed from the drama). He keeps asking her if she still loves him.
His last employers contacted me again as they are freaking out - he keeps phoning, texting and emailing them. They are concerned about his obsessive behaviour. His last text to them apparently was "I don't know what I have done to deserve this". They have said if he goes back to their premises they will call the police.
Apparently he has been telling everyone he hasn't had a drink in a couple of weeks. And apparently he is still playing the victim - he still cant see reality.
How low do they have to go before they realise what they have become and want to change? Am I destined to have him hovering in the back of my life forever until he dies?

LexieCat

Every person is an individual. Some people NEVER stop, no matter how screwed-up their lives have become. So it's pretty hard to say how long he may be "hovering" in the back of your life. OTOH, as you gain more distance it will bother you less and it will have less impact on your life.

Hang in there. I'm glad his employers are taking precautions. You should, too. I forget whether there is any history of abuse, but if he should start harassing you or behaving in ways that scare you (for your safety or mental health), talk with a DV advocate at your local women's shelter about what you can do to protect yourself.

So glad things are more peaceful at home!