MarieCat

This morning he rang me. (I am away for work) He needed me to find something for him. He sounded appreciative and almost "normal". He wanted to know how I was, and told me I could call him too. It made me wonder if I was blowing things out of proportion - again. He sounded like a normal husband ringing his wife who was travelling for work because he wanted to talk. He told me to drive carefully. This confuses me. And makes me question things. Maybe I really am a bitch like he tells me when he is drunk? Maybe I really do place too much emphasis on his drinking and the consequences? Maybe I really am a puritan and very boring?

This sort of stuff really throws me and makes me question myself. Yet I know when I am home again and he is drunk and nasty and aggressive I will pretty much hate him again.

Apparently people speak the truth when they are drunk - they are less inhibited so they speak their mind. I know I used to in my younger days when now and then I drank too much.

I'm confused - again.

honeypig

and

are NOT necessarily the same thing. Unloading a bunch of self-pity, anger and other BS on someone else is NOT the same as "speaking the truth." You say you did this yourself when you were drunk in the past. How did you feel afterwards? Did you feel good, as if you'd had a good discussion, shared your thoughts and feelings while listening carefully to the other person's thoughts and feelings too? Did you feel like the 2 of you had worked through problems, cleared the air and come to a mutually acceptable conclusion?

Or did you feel embarrassed for the bunch of disjointed inarticulate self-serving half-truths you spewed, w/no chance given for the other person to state their point of view or any desire on your part to hear/understand it?

Which one of those situations seems more like "speaking the truth" and which one more like "drunken abuse"? Normal, healthy folks don't have to get slobbering drunk in order to "speak the truth"; in fact, they would realize that being drunk would be pretty dang counterproductive if "speaking the truth" was truly the goal.

I don't know that you have much to be "confused" about. What I think you do have is a desire for things to be other than what they are. Twisted though it is, if you accept that you cause his drinking, then that means that you also could control it. That illusion of control is what makes you doubt yourself and want to admit that it's "your fault."

Keep reading, keep posting. You'll clear things up if you keep working at it.

MarieCat

A bit of both I guess. But it has been a long time since I was ever in that situation. These days maybe once or twice a year I might have "one to many" (with a group of girlfriends usually) but certainly don't feel like I behaved badly - although I did probably speak my mind a bit more than usual.

Husband tells me alcohol is the "truth serum". And I'm inclined to believe him. Only I don't like what I hear!

honeypig

It is certainly up to you whether or not you believe him. Myself, I think it's a big mistake.

Tell me, if you DO think you cause his drinking, how much success have you had in STOPPING it?

MarieCat

I have done it - I have asked him to leave the house. He must be gone tomorrow. I couldn't take it any more. It's just too hard.

LexieCat

Think he'll leave? Have you thought about what you'll do if he doesn't?

MarieCat

He doesn't have a choice. I have re-activated the non-contact part of the Protection Order that I had to take out in 2009. He knows this. And he also knows I will contact the police for breach of protection order if he doesn't leave.

Westexy

When people are drunk they speak THEIR truth. In THAT moment. A moment clouded by an intoxicant that has various negative effects on the brain. That is all.

hopeful4

My XAH was like this, and still is. He can be a raging a$$ sometimes, and sound completely normal and act as though it never happened other times.

It's a rollercoaster they try to keep you on. Your choice to stay on or get off.

firebolt

Oh hun, we really grab onto the tiny little nice things they say here and there.

Don't let questions like 'how are you doing', and comments like - 'drive safe' make you think hes a new man, or any different than the person you had a to get a protection order against. If you want to hear little nice things - call your friends or family or come see us. That's basic human decency. Strangers say nice things to us. Him being able to muster up a nicety or 2 when he's under the gun doesn't mean much when they call you a 'B' 6 hours later.

I know how it feels - I was his soul mate - the love of his life - 'perfect'.....and 12 hours later I was a controlling &$#@%&*#!!.

I don't think you're confused - I think you KNOW. That little nagging voice telling you that a couple nice sentences from him means something....well that's the part of you that's addicted to him - just like the little voice in his head that tells him that having a few drinks is OK.

Getting him out is the right thing to do - and he will fight like all hell to try and suck you back in...he knows you have that little voice in your head too, and they are more that happy to feed if if they think it will get their life back to 'normal.' Stay strong - nothing changes if nothing changes!!

theuncertainty

MarieCat, I agree with Firebolt. It's so easy to fall for the 'nice' things, the times it feels like it could be a *real* relationship. We tell ourselves that based on those - what - 5 to 10 minutes that see, they really are kind and loving and the problem must therefore be me, because that's what he tells me 99% of the time.

It may be real at the time. A real expression of of kindness and attentiveness, a real portrayal of how he feels. But. and it's a HUGE 'but' the behavior is only during that 5-10 minute period. It won't last, no matter how much we believe it that it might *this time*. No matter how much we wish it would.

As for the 'truth serum' - I personally think it depends a great deal on the person and their attitude at the time. I had a friend who would tell the most outrageous stories when he'd had a few; he'd tell them as if they had actually happened. Ask him about it a few days later and it would be a sheepish, "Ah. I was pulling your leg." Which generally seemed to be the case with the stories: tall tales designed to entertain and and keep people on the edge of their seat watching him. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and I think which ones it lowers, depends on the person and whatever issues they may be struggling with or the tone of their attitude that day.

Glad to read that you're watching out for yourself and didn't hesitate to reactivate the no-contact part of the order. Take care.

complicated21

I have found that they just say whatever they can to try to get to you in the moment. Personally, I think that they are just so unhappy in their life that they take it out on the person closest to them- knowing that you will take it. You haven't left.

My ex, would say some of the most awful things to me. At the end he would say he didn't mean it. Sometimes in return I would say pretty bad things that I wouldn't mean too just because he frustrated me soo much.

Sometimes I think he is mirroring... telling me how bad I am, when it's really him. Bottom line is words hurt and for some reason he never got that. He would always tell me, I am sorry, I didn't mean it... my actions speak for themselves... but what actions.

I think they do whatever they can to rationalize how they behave. Drinking, has like washed away their brain cells it seems. He would try to state that I wouldn't be happy even if he wasn't drinking, because there would be days he would be an ass when not drinking... but it's hard to say as-- he might have been an ass because he is experiencing withdrawal or who knows what. They will say whatever they want though.

The truth is though, that most of what they say makes absolutely no sense. They have very low self-esteem I think... and if you ask me they just want to make you feel as low as they feel. Maybe I am wrong.

You are better off being away from him, because it isn't healthy to hear constant digs at you, even if they aren't true. My ex use to do it so much, that like you I use to wonder if maybe I caused his drinking. I knew though that he drank before me, and I wasn't the cause. He was.

It took me a long time to accept, and I am still accepting the fact that there is nothing I can do to change him.

Just whatever you don't... don't ever think that what he says is true.

MarieCat

OK so I made him leave last week. I found out he was on internet sex sites looking for women to have sex with. He had also been visiting prostitutes. I completely lost it and threw him out. He turned up at home last Friday night saying it was "his F*****g house". The police put him in jail for breach of protection order. He is out on bail. He lost his latest job yesterday (he had been there about 3 weeks). He is now in a men's refuge for "vulnerable" men who have nowhere else to go. Apparently I am now the bad guy. I kicked him out and made him lose his job. It is all my fault. I am a B***h". I actually feel like crap. I am doubting my actions. It really is so very hard.

shockozulu

When I was homeless due to a domestic violence situation, now that was someone else's responsibility. If it had been my responsibility as I had started drinking that would be another story.

I'm currently living on a sailboat for the summer with a friend while I save and pay off my credit cards and buy snow/winter clothes so I can move out of state in the Fall.

This way in a year I'll be eligible to go to university and get my Paralegal degree to help domestic violence and homeless families without accruing more student loans (I have a limited but guaranteed monthly income).

I'll also be able to have an one bedroom apartment for Zero my service dachshund and me, something I can't afford in California at twice the price. Hell, for two hundred more than the apartment I'd be renting a room where I live now. And the twice the price I'm talking a basic studio here.

Notice how I have plans worked out to prevent homelessness again? It is because I'm a responsible adult. A dog's life depends on me making these responsible decisions.

I don't blame my drug addicted, violent sister who caused my homelessness five years ago, for my current situation. Nor do I put it on my alcoholic ex-fiancé: we broke up almost two years ago. I left him when he pushed me....one time.

It was a bad circumstance when my landlady was found to be illegally subleasing, even though she told me it was legal. Still I don't blame her. It was just bad circumstances and the blame will get me knowhere.

So recognize its not your fault for your husband's bad situation. It's no one's fault but his own. His actions caused this, his drinking and going online porn sites. You didn't put the keyboard and mouse in his hands.

viola71

Thank you for this post. I struggle with this daily and question my sanity daily. My sister made me write down on paper what I want out of life including what I want with a spouse/relationship. What I saw when I was done was basic human needs it was shocking to me being in black and white. I wasn't even getting basic needs met and I didn't actually write down anything beyond that like a "normal" person might. Yet still I needed your post and to read all the replies today to make me trust myself. You are not crazy, you are not alone.

LexieCat

The guy was visiting PROSTITUTES. Good lord, if that isn't grounds for kicking someone out, I don't know what is.

Please keep that protective order in force and report ANY communications. The jail will be happy to keep a roof over his head. You have the RIGHT to live in peace. You shouldn't even be hearing that he thinks you are a bitch--if he manages to get a phone call or email through, report it. A protective order is only as good as your willingness to report violations.

theuncertainty

MarieCat, you. are. not. the bad guy. You have NO reason to feel bad about standing up for yourself. And that's exactly what you did: stood up for yourself.

You didn't cause him to have to go to the refuge. Having to leave his home is a consequence of his actions. Having no alternative but to go to the refuge is a consequence of his actions. He's the one who was visiting prostitutes, soliciting sex with strange women online. He's the one with a poor job history; he's the one who lost his most recent job. It's all him.

Deep breath. That guilt isn't yours and you don't have to hold onto it.

Smarie78

I love that your sister had you do that activity. My therapist had me do that once (and BF found it! oops!) and yes, so much of it was so darn basic.

1. A man who is not married (I have learned that separated does not mean divorced!)
2. A man who does not have addiction issues and can hold down a job
3. A man who is not verbally abusive
4. A man who is a good and present father

Pretty basic huh? Not exactly asking for the moon....

I think it would be good to also write down qualities you have as a person...if you are feeling insecure ask some friends to give you an adjective that would describe you.l Take a little poll

Smarie78

Sounds a lot like projection and insecurity to me. My Bf has said some pretty terrible things to me, but all I see is an insecure little boy. I may be codependent, but I know the things he says are 100% not true. Please don't assume that his nasty drunken outbursts mean that he's speaking some holy grail of truth. The nasty outbursts are his way of protecting himself by PROJECTING his own inadequacies onto you. As an alcoholic he will do everything he can to avoid pain. This is one of the ways. Write down all your good qualities that you KNOW you have...ask some friends to participate!

mylifeismine

It's not your fault Marie. If you had that kind of power, well
you could whip up a nice high paying job for him, no addictions,
and a peaceful, respectful, mutually fulfilling relationship.

Really, we don't have that kind of power.

Have you read "Codependency for Dummies" by Darlene
Lancer? First off, it is not for dunmies, but it is very comprehensive
and helpful. It covers everything from the origin to healing
with easy to understand, sound advice and exercises. I have
gotten amazing insights, answers to questions I have had since
childhood about family dysfunction. I highly recommend it.
Take care of yourself and educate yourself about having a
meaningful and loving relationship with yourself cuz it all starts
there.....