Sasha1972

A while ago I posted in frustration about finding texts from ex-husband to Kid in which he referred to me as "a$$hole Mom" and told Kid to keep secrets from me, to say that she didn't want to attend events with me, etc.

Today I find texts between ex and Kid in which ex is going on and on about how lazy and useless ex-wife #2 is (she's the one who came after me - yes, he's racked up two ticked-off ex-wives taking him to court in five years). He describes X2 as a "PITA", Kid asks "What's a PITA?", Dad says "it's a Pain In The Ass woman, like X2". He also informed Kid that X2 has narcissistic personality disorder, based apparently on the fact that she divorced him.

Am I overly fussy, or is there something wrong in a no-boundaries kind of way in teaching your not-yet-out-of-elementary-school child expressions like PITA, with reference to her former stepmother? And is there hope that at some point Kid will figure out that her father has women issues, and is relentlessly negative about women who don't do what he wants them to do?

Ugh.

Maudcat

It is wrong on so many levels, Sasha. You are right to be concerned.
He is way oversharing with your daughter. The topics are in appropriate and crude.
She knows this woman, who was her former stepmother. Maybe she liked her, maybe she didn't, but it has to be unsettling to have her father trash her, as he also trashes you to her.
I don't have an answer. You probably can't block him from her phone?
You could tell him to grow up, I suppose, but...doubt that would change anything.
Peace.

AnvilheadII

i would SHUT DOWN any further texting communication between elementary aged CHILD and stupid self absorbed adult. you have the right to monitor ALL of her online activity and intervene when necessary. THIS qualifies as NECESSARY. he is inappropriate to the highest level. it stops NOW. no child should be exposed to such abuse.....and it IS abuse...

LexieCat

Agree with Anvil. Hang onto those texts--screenshot or something and provide them to your lawyer.

This is utterly inappropriate on every conceivable level.

maia1234

I agree with other posters, block his number. He should not be discussing this inappropriate stuff with a young child. If he can clean up his act, he can text his child again. Ugh!!

Sasha1972

I'm in the process of seeking a change to the custody agreement (on paper, it's shared parenting but I want to change it to sole custody to me). Kid has been living with me full-time for the past year as ex spirals down, most recently showing up drunk at her after-school care and trying to pick her up in his car, leading to the police being called and ex being banned from the school premises.

I have screenshots of everything and it all goes into a log that I'm keeping for use in court if that's where this ends up. Our divorce order says we have to try mediation before litigation, so that's what I'm doing this week. Once that is out of the way, I want to move to an amendment to our divorce order as quickly as possible. I have a good lawyer.

I'm not going to block ex on Kid's phone at this point - partly because of where we're at in custody proceedings, I can't do anything that could be construed as alienating such as cutting off her contact with him (although I have documentation of plenty of alienating behavior on his part). Also, if I blocked him on text, I'm concerned he would just find another way to get to her and I wouldn't have access to it - at least now I know what's being said. But once I have an order for sole custody - yes.

Ex is recreating the unhealthy dynamics of his own childhood - his parents were addicts and his mother had no boundaries with him, oversharing all kinds of information and "secrets" and treating him like a tool in her fights with his father (also an alcoholic). Now he's turning into her. He literally has no idea how to do healthy parenting. (He also has no friends except his meth-addict girlfriend, so no one with whom it would be appropriate to bitch and complain about his ex-wives).

I'm trying to extricate Kid from this situation as quickly and cleanly as possible, once the light went on in my head earlier this year and I realized that my hopes that ex would get his act together and be a decent co-parent were never going to be realized. I really appreciate the input and encouragement from this forum.

LexieCat

I gotta say, Sasha, you've got a very good head on your shoulders. I think you are thinking this through and taking what should be effective actions.

You got this--and it sounds like you've got a good lawyer in your corner, too.

Maudcat

I had the same thought. If you block him, he will reach out in another way because that seems to be how he rolls.
This way you can build a strong case for sole custody.
How is your daughter feeling about everything these days?

Bekindalways

Sasha1972

It's hard to tell. She's pretty reserved emotionally and has told me she doesn't want to talk about alcoholism and her dad all the time. Plus of course it's awkward to talk about it with her mom). She wants to see her dad more. Half the time she seems to accept it when I say that we can't go back to long visits and overnights, following the police incident; half the time she pushes back and asks for "just another half hour" with her dad, which makes me feel like crap (but I don't back down from the two-hour limit).

All the behavioral signs are good. In the year she's been living with me full-time, she's gotten the best marks in school that she's ever had, she's moved up two levels in the sport she loves, she's started earning money by babysitting for friends and neighbours, she applied for and was accepted into a competitive magnet program for middle schoolers (this was all her initiative - I just filled out the forms and took her for the auditions!), she's gotten interested in art and drawing, and is generally getting ready for autonomy and independence and really becoming her own person. She has a good group of friends and no behavioral problems in school. She definitely has her moments of being a typical pre-teen (messy bedroom, wants to be on her phone all the time, plus the occasional hissy fit), but she's a really good kid.

She's going to Alateen regularly now, and I've managed to get her an appointment with her counsellor this week.

hopeful4

Is she in counseling? Forgive me if you already said in the past. I would make sure she has a good counselor who works w/her age girls to vent all of this to since she does not much want to talk to you about it.

Hugs. You are doing great.

Sasha1972

Yes, she saw a counsellor for a few weeks in the fall, and I've restarted the sessions so she will have a place to vent and process. I recognize that I'm probably not the easiest person for her to talk to about this stuff, especially if her father is telling her not to tell me things. She's also very close to one of the staff members at her after-school care and shares a lot with her.

hopeful4

That's great. I think it's healthy for all kids to have someone outside their own parents to talk with. It sounds to me you are doing all you can.

Sasha1972

Hi, minor but positive update:

Last night Kid got really mad at me for not letting her see her dad for more than two hours at a time - she said she felt like she was being "punished" when she didn't do anything wrong, and that I was not giving her dad a "fair chance" to show that he had really stopped drinking. Although I don't enjoy dealing with an angry pre-teen, I was glad in a way because she is so reserved and introspective that I don't often see the emotions coming out. I told her that she could get angry at me any time and it would be okay, I can handle her being angry and I understood why she would be pretty mad about the whole situation. (I didn't back down on the terms of her contact with her father, though).

The other good thing was that once she calmed down a bit, she said she really liked going to Alateen and listening to other kids with alcoholic parents. I was happy to hear that - was a bit concerned because the local Alateen is held in a dingy basement and it can get a bit preachy, judging by the literature.

So this is good.

hopeful4

Good stuff.

Do you have a local Celebrate Recovery? Some of them have a teen program called the Landing, which is similar but may be in a better environment for her.

Cyranoak

...is child abuse in my opinion too. You do not talk **** about a child's other parent, you DO NOT ask them to keep secrets, and you DO NOT use them as couriers. They are children and your ex is doing something truly awful to your child.

I've learned many things over the last twenty years of this ****, and one of them is that this is one of the most horrible things a parent can do to a child. Also, Anvil is usually right, and is absolutely right in this situation.

My two cents.

Cyranoak