Brand new to all of this!!!
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Join Date: May 2017
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Brand new to all of this!!!
Hello. Just learned what alcoholism is for the first time in my life a month ago. First time in a support group or form like this. I'm 45 and my ex boyfriend is 48. I had a crush on him when I was 11 and we lost touch after high school and we started dating last fall.
At first, I was convinced he was a gift from God, my soulmate, and definitely my life time partner. He had reasons for why he was down on his luck, including two divorces than one long-term relationship, and a whirlwind of other reasons, but he never mentioned himself in those reasons, nor drinking.
Because of the familiar Arity and that our families knew each other, I let him move in with me very early because he was driving back-and-forth between different family homes and sleeping there and it was chaotic. This is how it all started… I saw a man I thought he was trying to put his life together after a tough time, I slipped and to help him, and then I started to slowly see that something was wrong. Very very slowly.
Before I knew what was going on, for about six months I found myself in arguments and couldn't understand why. All the time. I never tied it to the alcohol because they have been during the day in the morning and when he wasn't drinking also. He made me think everything was my fault… Even to the point of having me do relationship book studies And claiming that we had to build a foundation before I could get any of the things that I wanted out of the relationship such as going out in public or meeting his friends or normal girlfriend things.
The clues started becoming more and more evident overtime… Because I was playing detective with my life and my relationship and I really wanted to fix whatever was wrong because I loved him and I wanted it to work. But my observations only made me more confused. I notice patterns like if I try to get him to stop doing something he wanted to do, or if I asked him to do something he didn't want to do… I knew it was going to be a big fight and argument. These little patterns that I picked up on became more and more and more and then they're just became too many, and I was living in chaos confusion and pain.
He threatened to leave if I demand an apology for something, he moved out and moved back in several times and just six months, it was always my fault, he always left me to feel punished to think about what I did, and sometimes he would disappear and not answer his phone once for three weeks and didn't come home. I told him this is unacceptable and not normal and wanted to understand what was going on in his head... and he just kept telling me it had to do with me, he had to get away from me and calm down and think about things. So at first I took that as good, here's a man who's keeping the peace and cares about our relationship and wants things to work. What a fool I was. He was just wallowing in self-pity, alone, and probably drinking. I finally got him to admit two weeks ago that it was his own self-pity that makes him disappear and not me.
But that's because four weeks ago my best friend convinced me he's an alcoholic and he has all the signs so I read a lot and did my research in my conversations and interactions with him over the last month has been very different. Including the fact that he broke up with me we got back together and I broke up with him twice. Because I saw through the smoke and mirrors now.
I hung in there for so long because I believed in the future, and we had an entire summer planned with a shore house finally meeting his children, hanging out with my new family, being on the beach ocean etc. I also hung in there because I was looking forward to that engagement ring and I also wanted to go to his 30 year high school reunion with him. The final dealbreaker for me these last two days and I ended it, was that he absolutely just refused to take me to his reunion with him which is an entire weekend getaway or he'll be spending the night in a hotel. I said that's it, that is a dealbreaker completely unacceptable in anyone's reality there is no excuse for that, I'm either going with you or were done. So we're done. He would not cave. Not on this… And when I look backwards he never caved on one thing ever.
I made two attempts to offer him help, I even told him I would pay for treatment, and he quickly just replied nope. Then for the last three days he's been messing with my mind trying to reverse the power again… Make me feel like I'm imagining it, it's my fault, not going to the reunion is not a big deal, he doesn't have a problem, and that I'm the one with issues. Not that it matters, but I'm also a very beautiful woman who works out every day and I have a gorgeous body so there's no physical reason for him to be ashamed of me meeting his friends. My heart tells me he wants to cheat, or he just wants to be free to pretend to his old friends that he's more successful than he really is, or he just wants to drink his butt off without me there and doesn't want to risk arguing while we're in public Yet he doesn't see that the arguing makes us a victim of the alcohol, and then by not taking me to things he's making me a victim twice.
I even spoke to his own family who told me it's not me it's him, and to run like hell. Apparently he's done the same thing to the last three women… So I'm fully confident it's not me but my brain tells me otherwise. And I'm also confused why I miss him so much. This man gave me nothing and I gave him everything and in the meantime he turned around and made my heart and my brain mud.
I think I just need education, fax, information, and helpful and encouraging words even though I've been hearing them from my friends for a few days I still feel brainwashed confused and like I was hit by a train. Please help.
At first, I was convinced he was a gift from God, my soulmate, and definitely my life time partner. He had reasons for why he was down on his luck, including two divorces than one long-term relationship, and a whirlwind of other reasons, but he never mentioned himself in those reasons, nor drinking.
Because of the familiar Arity and that our families knew each other, I let him move in with me very early because he was driving back-and-forth between different family homes and sleeping there and it was chaotic. This is how it all started… I saw a man I thought he was trying to put his life together after a tough time, I slipped and to help him, and then I started to slowly see that something was wrong. Very very slowly.
Before I knew what was going on, for about six months I found myself in arguments and couldn't understand why. All the time. I never tied it to the alcohol because they have been during the day in the morning and when he wasn't drinking also. He made me think everything was my fault… Even to the point of having me do relationship book studies And claiming that we had to build a foundation before I could get any of the things that I wanted out of the relationship such as going out in public or meeting his friends or normal girlfriend things.
The clues started becoming more and more evident overtime… Because I was playing detective with my life and my relationship and I really wanted to fix whatever was wrong because I loved him and I wanted it to work. But my observations only made me more confused. I notice patterns like if I try to get him to stop doing something he wanted to do, or if I asked him to do something he didn't want to do… I knew it was going to be a big fight and argument. These little patterns that I picked up on became more and more and more and then they're just became too many, and I was living in chaos confusion and pain.
He threatened to leave if I demand an apology for something, he moved out and moved back in several times and just six months, it was always my fault, he always left me to feel punished to think about what I did, and sometimes he would disappear and not answer his phone once for three weeks and didn't come home. I told him this is unacceptable and not normal and wanted to understand what was going on in his head... and he just kept telling me it had to do with me, he had to get away from me and calm down and think about things. So at first I took that as good, here's a man who's keeping the peace and cares about our relationship and wants things to work. What a fool I was. He was just wallowing in self-pity, alone, and probably drinking. I finally got him to admit two weeks ago that it was his own self-pity that makes him disappear and not me.
But that's because four weeks ago my best friend convinced me he's an alcoholic and he has all the signs so I read a lot and did my research in my conversations and interactions with him over the last month has been very different. Including the fact that he broke up with me we got back together and I broke up with him twice. Because I saw through the smoke and mirrors now.
I hung in there for so long because I believed in the future, and we had an entire summer planned with a shore house finally meeting his children, hanging out with my new family, being on the beach ocean etc. I also hung in there because I was looking forward to that engagement ring and I also wanted to go to his 30 year high school reunion with him. The final dealbreaker for me these last two days and I ended it, was that he absolutely just refused to take me to his reunion with him which is an entire weekend getaway or he'll be spending the night in a hotel. I said that's it, that is a dealbreaker completely unacceptable in anyone's reality there is no excuse for that, I'm either going with you or were done. So we're done. He would not cave. Not on this… And when I look backwards he never caved on one thing ever.
I made two attempts to offer him help, I even told him I would pay for treatment, and he quickly just replied nope. Then for the last three days he's been messing with my mind trying to reverse the power again… Make me feel like I'm imagining it, it's my fault, not going to the reunion is not a big deal, he doesn't have a problem, and that I'm the one with issues. Not that it matters, but I'm also a very beautiful woman who works out every day and I have a gorgeous body so there's no physical reason for him to be ashamed of me meeting his friends. My heart tells me he wants to cheat, or he just wants to be free to pretend to his old friends that he's more successful than he really is, or he just wants to drink his butt off without me there and doesn't want to risk arguing while we're in public Yet he doesn't see that the arguing makes us a victim of the alcohol, and then by not taking me to things he's making me a victim twice.
I even spoke to his own family who told me it's not me it's him, and to run like hell. Apparently he's done the same thing to the last three women… So I'm fully confident it's not me but my brain tells me otherwise. And I'm also confused why I miss him so much. This man gave me nothing and I gave him everything and in the meantime he turned around and made my heart and my brain mud.
I think I just need education, fax, information, and helpful and encouraging words even though I've been hearing them from my friends for a few days I still feel brainwashed confused and like I was hit by a train. Please help.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Ugh
I feel terrible no one is replying to my post. Can someone help me? I know I had a brief relationship and saw light before marriage, but I just got out of seven months of hell and I'm feeling the fire still. He is still tricking my brain and I don't know which end is up.
Why would I even consider going back. I know it's a nightmare that got physical and horrifically mentally and emotionally abusive. Why would I doubt myself. I feel foolish and broken.
Why would I even consider going back. I know it's a nightmare that got physical and horrifically mentally and emotionally abusive. Why would I doubt myself. I feel foolish and broken.
Last edited by Hitbytrain; 05-27-2017 at 06:21 AM. Reason: Left out
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Posts: 6,047
Hi HBAT, I'm sure others will be along soon, but a lot depends on what time zone you're in. Don't worry, you'll get lots of replies.
It seems to me that alcohol is only one factor in your XBFs life. The other part is the wish to manipulate the people close to him, like his previous wives, you, and no doubt the next woman he becomes close to. He's clearly not functioning very well, and if his family warns you off, take it seriously.
I'm so sorry you've had the hurt of this seemingly wonderful relationship souring and breaking up, but although it's painful now you've had a lucky escape. I hope you haven't suffered financially as well.
He came over as a credible person just going through a hard time, and I bet that if you could talk to his ex-wives they would tell the same story. Don't be too hard on yourself because some people can be very convincing. Thank goodness your friend gave you the clue you needed to get out of there.
Alcoholics come in many shapes and forms. Some are good people with a terrible disease, and I'm sorry you encountered the other kind. I'm a recovered A and I would never have behaved like your EXBF. You can't make generalisations about them, except maybe that prolonged drinking does change the brain for the worse.
Stay around, read as much as you can, and I'm sure you'll get the picture.
It seems to me that alcohol is only one factor in your XBFs life. The other part is the wish to manipulate the people close to him, like his previous wives, you, and no doubt the next woman he becomes close to. He's clearly not functioning very well, and if his family warns you off, take it seriously.
I'm so sorry you've had the hurt of this seemingly wonderful relationship souring and breaking up, but although it's painful now you've had a lucky escape. I hope you haven't suffered financially as well.
He came over as a credible person just going through a hard time, and I bet that if you could talk to his ex-wives they would tell the same story. Don't be too hard on yourself because some people can be very convincing. Thank goodness your friend gave you the clue you needed to get out of there.
Alcoholics come in many shapes and forms. Some are good people with a terrible disease, and I'm sorry you encountered the other kind. I'm a recovered A and I would never have behaved like your EXBF. You can't make generalisations about them, except maybe that prolonged drinking does change the brain for the worse.
Stay around, read as much as you can, and I'm sure you'll get the picture.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Thank u
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi HBAT, I'm sure others will be along soon, but a lot depends on what time zone you're in. Don't worry, you'll get lots of replies.
It seems to me that alcohol is only one factor in your XBFs life. The other part is the wish to manipulate the people close to him, like his previous wives, you, and no doubt the next woman he becomes close to. He's clearly not functioning very well, and if his family warns you off, take it seriously.
I'm so sorry you've had the hurt of this seemingly wonderful relationship souring and breaking up, but although it's painful now you've had a lucky escape. I hope you haven't suffered financially as well.
He came over as a credible person just going through a hard time, and I bet that if you could talk to his ex-wives they would tell the same story. Don't be too hard on yourself because some people can be very convincing. Thank goodness your friend gave you the clue you needed to get out of there.
Alcoholics come in many shapes and forms. Some are good people with a terrible disease, and I'm sorry you encountered the other kind. I'm a recovered A and I would never have behaved like your EXBF. You can't make generalisations about them, except maybe that prolonged drinking does change the brain for the worse.
Stay around, read as much as you can, and I'm sure you'll get the picture.
It seems to me that alcohol is only one factor in your XBFs life. The other part is the wish to manipulate the people close to him, like his previous wives, you, and no doubt the next woman he becomes close to. He's clearly not functioning very well, and if his family warns you off, take it seriously.
I'm so sorry you've had the hurt of this seemingly wonderful relationship souring and breaking up, but although it's painful now you've had a lucky escape. I hope you haven't suffered financially as well.
He came over as a credible person just going through a hard time, and I bet that if you could talk to his ex-wives they would tell the same story. Don't be too hard on yourself because some people can be very convincing. Thank goodness your friend gave you the clue you needed to get out of there.
Alcoholics come in many shapes and forms. Some are good people with a terrible disease, and I'm sorry you encountered the other kind. I'm a recovered A and I would never have behaved like your EXBF. You can't make generalisations about them, except maybe that prolonged drinking does change the brain for the worse.
Stay around, read as much as you can, and I'm sure you'll get the picture.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
Before I knew what was going on, for about six months I found myself in arguments and couldn't understand why. All the time. I never tied it to the alcohol because they have been during the day in the morning and when he wasn't drinking also.
Why Alcohol Causes Anxiety | Anxiety Guru
Anxiety and Depression: The Hangover Symptoms You Didn?t Realize You Had | Her Campus
Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
He made me think everything was my fault… Even to the point of having me do relationship book studies And claiming that we had to build a foundation before I could get any of the things that I wanted out of the relationship such as going out in public or meeting his friends or normal girlfriend things.
He threatened to leave if I demand an apology for something, he moved out and moved back in several times and just six months, it was always my fault, he always left me to feel punished to think about what I did, and sometimes he would disappear and not answer his phone once for three weeks and didn't come home.
He threatened to leave if I demand an apology for something, he moved out and moved back in several times and just six months, it was always my fault, he always left me to feel punished to think about what I did, and sometimes he would disappear and not answer his phone once for three weeks and didn't come home.
Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
I even spoke to his own family who told me it's not me it's him, and to run like hell. Apparently he's done the same thing to the last three women… So I'm fully confident it's not me but my brain tells me otherwise. And I'm also confused why I miss him so much. This man gave me nothing and I gave him everything and in the meantime he turned around and made my heart and my brain mud.
I think I just need education, fax, information, and helpful and encouraging words even though I've been hearing them from my friends for a few days I still feel brainwashed confused and like I was hit by a train. Please help.
I think I just need education, fax, information, and helpful and encouraging words even though I've been hearing them from my friends for a few days I still feel brainwashed confused and like I was hit by a train. Please help.
https://www.abuseandrelationships.or...a_bonding.html
and one here about gaslighting ...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...n-relationship
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My mind keeps tricking me!
Haven't slept. Can't eat. Being on here helps. My mind is scaring me! I keep going back forth minute by minute. All the good things are flooding!!! Oh no. So confused. I don't even drink and I feel drunk and confused.
If I can remember so much good now, why wasn't it enough for me to stay? Oddly and terribly, I think I was abused and messed up yet in other ways I never had more fun, was never more in love, and he and I did soooo many things together (alone) that I can't believe how wrong it went! Soooo much in common. Crazy. And it was the best relationship I've ever had. But the worst. Did I mess up? Did I leave too soon? Should I have confronted him about his disease at a different time? With different words? Is it really ok for him to go away this weekend without me to his reunion and stay in a hotel? Was I just overreacting? If I cave on reunion and cave on getting help right now... I could have him back. Ugh!
See how crazy I sound. Feel silly typing this stuff but I will so I can get true help.
If I can remember so much good now, why wasn't it enough for me to stay? Oddly and terribly, I think I was abused and messed up yet in other ways I never had more fun, was never more in love, and he and I did soooo many things together (alone) that I can't believe how wrong it went! Soooo much in common. Crazy. And it was the best relationship I've ever had. But the worst. Did I mess up? Did I leave too soon? Should I have confronted him about his disease at a different time? With different words? Is it really ok for him to go away this weekend without me to his reunion and stay in a hotel? Was I just overreacting? If I cave on reunion and cave on getting help right now... I could have him back. Ugh!
See how crazy I sound. Feel silly typing this stuff but I will so I can get true help.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
Thank you for the great info and for caring.
You might also enjoy Richard Grannon's videos - they have helped me a lot ...
https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH/videos
This video of his is particularly good ... "Redflags of Emotional Abuse"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r79rcqEStCk
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
Haven't slept. Can't eat. Being on here helps. My mind is scaring me! I keep going back forth minute by minute. All the good things are flooding!!! Oh no. So confused. I don't even drink and I feel drunk and confused.
If I can remember so much good now, why wasn't it enough for me to stay? Oddly and terribly, I think I was abused and messed up yet in other ways I never had more fun, was never more in love, and he and I did soooo many things together (alone) that I can't believe how wrong it went! Soooo much in common. Crazy. And it was the best relationship I've ever had. But the worst. Did I mess up? Did I leave too soon? Should I have confronted him about his disease at a different time? With different words? Is it really ok for him to go away this weekend without me to his reunion and stay in a hotel? Was I just overreacting? If I cave on reunion and cave on getting help right now... I could have him back. Ugh!
See how crazy I sound. Feel silly typing this stuff but I will so I can get true help.
If I can remember so much good now, why wasn't it enough for me to stay? Oddly and terribly, I think I was abused and messed up yet in other ways I never had more fun, was never more in love, and he and I did soooo many things together (alone) that I can't believe how wrong it went! Soooo much in common. Crazy. And it was the best relationship I've ever had. But the worst. Did I mess up? Did I leave too soon? Should I have confronted him about his disease at a different time? With different words? Is it really ok for him to go away this weekend without me to his reunion and stay in a hotel? Was I just overreacting? If I cave on reunion and cave on getting help right now... I could have him back. Ugh!
See how crazy I sound. Feel silly typing this stuff but I will so I can get true help.
What helped me was reading and researching and I started recognizing behaviours that my ex did in what I was reading.
For months I was reading stuff where I went "OK, yes she did that", but I couldn't make emotional sense of it all.
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Exact match
This video of his is particularly good ... "Redflags of Emotional Abuse"
Thanks again! This video is my exact relationship step by step for the last six months. Does he know what he was doing? Was it deliberate? Or just habit for the addict?
I think video blew my mind. It reads like my journal! Step by step what he did. Geez. I thought he loved me. What a mind trip.
Thanks again! This video is my exact relationship step by step for the last six months. Does he know what he was doing? Was it deliberate? Or just habit for the addict?
I think video blew my mind. It reads like my journal! Step by step what he did. Geez. I thought he loved me. What a mind trip.
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Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
This video of his is particularly good ... "Redflags of Emotional Abuse"
Thanks again! This video is my exact relationship step by step for the last six months. Does he know what he was doing? Was it deliberate? Or just habit for the addict?
I think video blew my mind. It reads like my journal! Step by step what he did. Geez. I thought he loved me. What a mind trip.
Thanks again! This video is my exact relationship step by step for the last six months. Does he know what he was doing? Was it deliberate? Or just habit for the addict?
I think video blew my mind. It reads like my journal! Step by step what he did. Geez. I thought he loved me. What a mind trip.
My ex was fantastic for the first year of our relationship - was the best relationship I've ever had. I completely thought I had finally met my "soulmate".
Each of them has subtle differences though, so it takes time and reading to work out exactly which flavor of abuser someone is.
At the end of the day, alcohol is no excuse for abuse and there are plenty of alcoholics who are not abusive.
This video talks about if abusers know what they are doing ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtUym9YUpU0
Kris Godinez also has some very good videos about emotional abuse ...
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHk...23tE6bg/videos
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCap...shG4L8g/videos
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Made me falter
He had a grip on me because he would do hurtful, inappropriate things, not apologize, disappear to punish me for "forcing him to talk before he was ready", and so on. (He never came back and talked after thinking BTW.). Or apologized.
Then I would act wrong. I would. Get upset. Crazy. Yelling. Didn't know any other way to act when you're crying to man you love because he hurt you, and he just sits there silent, ignoring you, refusing to talk period. Then if I didn't just drop it, he would go to sleep or leave.
Then all we talked about is how I was the one fighting all the time. Me me me. And would constantly bring up past e.g. "We had some pretty bad conflicts for about three weeks back in February..." or "last Monday you had another episode (me) and it ruined my whole week." Ruined his weak because I left in the morning before him yelling, "You're no longer have permission to do this to me. You can no longer just judge my actions as hurtful for no reason, get mad at me, treat me poorly, and then walk away leaving me treated bad and feeling bad for no reason."
In that case, all I literally did was get out of the bed before him and say I have to get dressed and go to work. Something in my gut told me that that would be a problem because very subtly and passively he has trained me to know that if I get out of bed before him it makes him feel abandoned or something. So I simply jumped up, and he got up with an attitude and began treating me poorly, I said what's happening right now why are we getting into an argument let's not do this give me a hug he stood there stiff when I tried to hug him and then he got in the shower and began yelling at the top of his Longs and cursing me out about how all I ever do is complain. It was confusing and scary and hurtful. I have no idea where that argument even came from… I was obviously a victim… And then he continued to re-victimized me by telling me I ruined his week. And then continue to re-victimized me again I basically making me earn his affection back.
Someone please tell me this stuff sounds familiar. Can someone relate?
Then I would act wrong. I would. Get upset. Crazy. Yelling. Didn't know any other way to act when you're crying to man you love because he hurt you, and he just sits there silent, ignoring you, refusing to talk period. Then if I didn't just drop it, he would go to sleep or leave.
Then all we talked about is how I was the one fighting all the time. Me me me. And would constantly bring up past e.g. "We had some pretty bad conflicts for about three weeks back in February..." or "last Monday you had another episode (me) and it ruined my whole week." Ruined his weak because I left in the morning before him yelling, "You're no longer have permission to do this to me. You can no longer just judge my actions as hurtful for no reason, get mad at me, treat me poorly, and then walk away leaving me treated bad and feeling bad for no reason."
In that case, all I literally did was get out of the bed before him and say I have to get dressed and go to work. Something in my gut told me that that would be a problem because very subtly and passively he has trained me to know that if I get out of bed before him it makes him feel abandoned or something. So I simply jumped up, and he got up with an attitude and began treating me poorly, I said what's happening right now why are we getting into an argument let's not do this give me a hug he stood there stiff when I tried to hug him and then he got in the shower and began yelling at the top of his Longs and cursing me out about how all I ever do is complain. It was confusing and scary and hurtful. I have no idea where that argument even came from… I was obviously a victim… And then he continued to re-victimized me by telling me I ruined his week. And then continue to re-victimized me again I basically making me earn his affection back.
Someone please tell me this stuff sounds familiar. Can someone relate?
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Great resources time to heal guy
Thanks for all the resources. I can't believe there is an entire world out there of alcoholism and abuse information. Wild.
Last edited by Hitbytrain; 05-27-2017 at 07:40 AM. Reason: Forgot
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Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
He had a grip on me because he would do hurtful, inappropriate things, not apologize, disappear to punish me for "forcing him to talk before he was ready", and so on. (He never came back and talked after thinking BTW.). Or apologized.
The next day she actually convinced me that I had let HER down, and that I needed to make up for the events of the night before in order to restore HER trust in ME !
Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
Then I would act wrong. I would. Get upset. Crazy. Yelling. Didn't know any other way to act when you're crying to man you love because he hurt you, and he just sits there silent, ignoring you, refusing to talk period. Then if I didn't just drop it, he would go to sleep or leave.
Then all we talked about is how I was the one fighting all the time. Me me me.
Then all we talked about is how I was the one fighting all the time. Me me me.
https://themindsjournal.com/reactive-abuse/
Sanctuary for the Abused: Reactive Abuse - What Is It?
Controlling abuse verses reactive abuse - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling
Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
In that case, all I literally did was get out of the bed before him and say I have to get dressed and go to work. Something in my gut told me that that would be a problem because very subtly and passively he has trained me to know that if I get out of bed before him it makes him feel abandoned or something. So I simply jumped up, and he got up with an attitude and began treating me poorly, I said what's happening right now why are we getting into an argument let's not do this give me a hug he stood there stiff when I tried to hug him and then he got in the shower and began yelling at the top of his Longs and cursing me out about how all I ever do is complain. It was confusing and scary and hurtful. I have no idea where that argument even came from… I was obviously a victim… And then he continued to re-victimized me by telling me I ruined his week. And then continue to re-victimized me again I basically making me earn his affection back.
The Need for Control And it's Relationship to Abuse
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This may have little or nothing to do with alcohol. I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time. Abuse and alcoholism are two SEPARATE issues. Some abusers become more violent when they are drinking, but most abusers behave as they do not because of alcohol (even if they are also drinkers) but because of an innate sense of entitlement and desire to control the partner.
I'd suggest you read, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author is an expert who has worked with abusive men in batterers' intervention programs for decades. He's also worked closely with hundreds/thousands of victims. Many here have found it very eye-opening.
And in my own work with hundreds of victims (I was a prosecutor, not a therapist or advocate), many have told me that the physical injuries were much easier to recover from than the verbal/emotional abuse.
I'm not saying your guy IS an abuser, but your description suggests that he might be. He also has many narcissistic characteristics, which doesn't necessarily mean he's diagnosable with NPD, but even the characteristics can make him an absolutely miserable partner.
I think the bottom line, though, is that regardless of the reason, he treats you like crap. Is that really what you want for your life? Sticking around in the hopes that you will figure it out and get him to change is a big fat waste of your time, at best, and will subject you to more hurt and misery at worst.
I'd bail now.
I'd suggest you read, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author is an expert who has worked with abusive men in batterers' intervention programs for decades. He's also worked closely with hundreds/thousands of victims. Many here have found it very eye-opening.
And in my own work with hundreds of victims (I was a prosecutor, not a therapist or advocate), many have told me that the physical injuries were much easier to recover from than the verbal/emotional abuse.
I'm not saying your guy IS an abuser, but your description suggests that he might be. He also has many narcissistic characteristics, which doesn't necessarily mean he's diagnosable with NPD, but even the characteristics can make him an absolutely miserable partner.
I think the bottom line, though, is that regardless of the reason, he treats you like crap. Is that really what you want for your life? Sticking around in the hopes that you will figure it out and get him to change is a big fat waste of your time, at best, and will subject you to more hurt and misery at worst.
I'd bail now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Hitbytrain
Thanks for all the resources. I can't believe there is an entire world out there of alcoholism and abuse information. Wild.
You are SO not alone, and you absolutely CAN change your life. You are NOT trapped or faulty or crazy or selfish and you CAN have the life you want and deserve.
We are so fortunate to live in this age of the internet, when all this info is available any time of the day or night. Read here at SR. Check the listing of suggested books and get some, either through your library or at a store or Amazon (great cheap source for used books). Look into Alanon and get to a couple of meetings.
You don't have to live like this any more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
So happy reading all this stigf
Everyone is so kind!!! This info is powerful. Working through the latest posts and videos now...
Been up for over 24 hours learning. Feel more empowered than ever. Yet still having lightning bolts of thoughts for how i could get him back? Oh my. Guess I still have a bit to go...
Been up for over 24 hours learning. Feel more empowered than ever. Yet still having lightning bolts of thoughts for how i could get him back? Oh my. Guess I still have a bit to go...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Wow
Originally Posted by tomls
You sound like you are too nice! From some of what you have said, it's time to move on. Take care of you! A little time away will do wonders! I wish you well!
Last edited by Hitbytrain; 05-27-2017 at 08:13 AM. Reason: Typo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Selfish
Originally Posted by honeypig
There IS "an entire world of alcoholism and abuse info" out there indeed, and SR is a great resource too. I see you're posting in other threads, so I know that you're reading around the forum, which is really important. Make sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page.
You are SO not alone, and you absolutely CAN change your life. You are NOT trapped or faulty or crazy or selfish and you CAN have the life you want and deserve.
You don't have to live like this any more.
You are SO not alone, and you absolutely CAN change your life. You are NOT trapped or faulty or crazy or selfish and you CAN have the life you want and deserve.
You don't have to live like this any more.
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