batchel9

Guys ...been living separate from AH for over a month now. We have young kids so are very much in contact still. I have mtgs with lawyers this week to start understanding my rights and options.

When I see AH doing well and trying, I am very much reminded of the reasons I married him and it kills me. Like today, Mothers Day, he has the kids executing this really elaborate plan of surprises (insert awww!). However I'm not dumb enough to not realize this has nothing to do with his drinking. He is going to mtgs and counseling and making better life choices now, etc. Still early and likely driven by wanting us to get back together and not because he thinks he needs it. But only time will tell. And I have already invested 15 years. I don't think I should be committed to invest any more time. I WANT to move on.

Now enter something new. A (single) guy that I have worked with for 3.5 years has taken me under his wing. He is totally smitten with me. It's obviously still really soon, but he has expressed interest in trying things if/when I am ready. Guys, he is reliable, trustworthy, patient, has no addictions, good with money, goes to church because he WANTS to and not because he is made to, family oriented, we have always gotten along, etc. AND has expressed interest in me and all of my baggage (ex, two young kids, current emotional instability, crazy family, stretch marked stomach, etc). This has all of the writings of something actually HEALTHY?! Why am I not running towards the idea of something like this?? Whether it is with this specific guy or not, I am seeing glimpses of what my post-AH life could look like yet I'm afraid of them??? And still find myself grasping at AH???

Been reading the stickies all morning to try to snap out of it. Any input /support/words of wisdom you all have are appreciated!!!

SparkleKitty

I think when we are in an unhealthy relationship for a long time, we become starved for the kind of attention that happens when everything is new and exciting. At the same time, we tell ourselves that because we haven't been happy that it's pretty much the same thing as being alone. So when the kind of attention we have been craving for so long presents itself, we can convince ourselves that jumping from one relationship into another is okay because hey, really, we've PRACTICALLY been alone for a long time, right?

At least that was my experience.

What I learned was, being in an unhappy relationship isn't anything remotely like being on your own. And getting over and moving past an unhappy relationship requires developing or re-engaging with our relationship with OURSELVES first and foremost. And that means toughing out the loneliness of being on your own, resisting the siren call of those who are "smitten" with us, and taking it on faith that we are in the worst possible place to make good judgments on potential new partners (or on re-engaging with our old ones).

When we take the time and the space to develop the strong sense of self-reliance, self-respect, and self-love we need to participate in a healthy partnership with another healthy person, a lot of this confusion you are feeling right now dissipates.

I see red flags all over this person who expresses intense interest in someone who is in a fragile, uncertain position. I do *not* see "all of the writings of something actually HEALTHY" that you are seeing, in fact, the opposite. And I see good healthy instincts emerging from you for NOT running towards him.

Give yourself space. Give yourself time. The person who needs the most attention from you right now is YOU.

atalose

Maybe because you are still married? Maybe because this new guy seems to good to be true and is willing to get himself involved with a married woman? Maybe because you have such ambivalent feelings right now about your husband? Maybe because your husband has only been 30 days sober and you still don't know what life will be like in 60, 90, 120 days or more with him?

I'll tell you what I told my friend when she crossed the line into cheating with one of her co-workers and was having extreme ambivalence about the guy and her husband and who to pick............I told her to pick the new guy because if she really loved her husband there wouldn't be a choice that needed to be made.

Ariesagain

If the attention from this guy gives your esteem a little boost, hey, enjoy.

If he becomes the lifeline, the REASON you would end your marriage with him as the destination...WARNING WARNING WARNING.

First off, if your husband figures out this guy is in the picture, it could get extremely ugly...emotionally and financially.

Second, as wonderful as the new guy seems, it's a bit of a red flag that he's attracted to a damsel in distress. Some people want to be saviors, not partners. It doesn't end well once their savee gets back on their feet and wants to stop being grateful 24/7.

Caution. Tell the new guy to give you six months no contact to get your life settled one way or the other. If he's that smitten, he'll respect that, yes?

P.S. AND he's a coworker at a job you really are going to need more than ever if your marriage ends. BIG red flag.

dandylion

batchel......what is on the list of this guy's flaws? And, please don't say that he doesn't have any. Everybody has flaws and baggage or even ways where their agenda might not meld with yours.....
You do not really know a person until you know their flaws as well as you know their assets.
A working relationship is not the same as an intimate relationship...they are very different for a lot of reasons.....
It is so flattering to feel desired and desirable...especially, when vulnerable, like you are, right now....
My advice....keep your head ahead of your heart....
The biology of attraction always...always...gives a rose colored tint to our glasses...
Above all...don't skip the part where y ou do the work on your own understanding and development of yourself...I'm talking alanon or such group along with personal therapist to help you do a good analysis and post-morten of your last 20 years or so.....

No, I am not just a cynical and crochety lady.....just very experienced in the ways of the heart.....lol.....

HeartbrokenGuy

Hey Batch,

I can totally relate. I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. On all of my relationships in fact.

I read in Codependent No More that I might have a tendency to confuse being needed for love. I'm not "attracted" to women who already have their life together. I look for the "birds with a broken wing". I also think a lot of it comes from my low self esteem. I don't think I'm good enough for someone who is healthy and strong.

I'm not saying that is how you feel. If you do, it could be something to explore.

You are doing great. It's hard for us to put to rest the "hope they'll figure it out".

dandylion

batchel.....another thought....second marriages, actually, have a higher divorce rate than first marrriages....
(This is what I have read, several times)....
There are several reason given for this.
One of them is that we tend to repeat our patterns...***unless--we have done a lot of personal examination an learned what our needs and blind spots are....
another is that, second marriages tend to have children in the mix (more than first marriages)...so, the the big challenges of blended families raises it's head...
In addition, we tend to collect more baggage as we go through life and have dysfunctional relationships in the wake....this means more financial constraints (often) and exs in the picture....
and other reasons....

I'm just saying.....

batchel9

Thanks Sparkle. I can see where you are coming from and I don't disagree. I'm not indicating that I plan on running to this guy or anything. What I was trying to convey is that he represents a bit of a silver lining to me. It's easy to feel alone and depressed, damaged and unwanted at the stage I am in. But through this I see that there still are good men out there. And they still might actually be interested in me. I feel like I'm some way, it is showing me that my love life is not over and I do have hope for a fulfilling future that includes relationships. The name or face of this guy is irrelevant as I'm not about to pursue anything for the reasons you mentioned.

I just feel so hung up with AH which is not healthy. Why am I not making healthier decisions for myself. That include divorce and moving on with my life? I think I could move on and be 1000% happier and healthier in a distant future relationship but instead I am a stick in the mud stuck where I am.

I'm not sure if I am making sense or not, lol

biminiblue

^^This.

I think new guy is creepy.
1.) Work relationships to most adults are off-limits for obvious reasons.
2.) You have just moved out. One month. Here swoops in Superman to "save" you. You're married.

Red flags all over the place.

Pray about this, trust the answer.

dandylion

batchel...I think you need to give yourself more time....it has only been one month away from him......*ell, we even miss our enemies after we have gotten used to them being in our lives......
Your whole world could look different in six months or a year from now.....

honeypig

batchel, I'm just going to say this: It will take time. And time takes time.

There is a lot to process, a lot to learn, a lot to let go of, a lot to take in. I am nearly 2 years post divorce and I am still feeling big changes going on. We were together over 20 years; I have 20 years of catching up to do! (And actually, MORE, if you count all the dysfunctional years of my life prior to the last 2 decades w/XAH.)

You know how they say alcoholics kind of stop maturing emotionally and mentally at the age they started drinking? Well, I think it's the same on this side of the street. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but man, I feel like there is a LOT more that needs to happen before I'm anywhere near ready to come out of the oven and be turned out of my pan--I doubt if I'm even half baked at this point! In fact, I'm not sure if I have all my ingredients mixed in yet!

LexieCat

I still felt a lot of affection and respect for my first husband when I divorced him (for reasons having nothing to do with alcoholism--he'd been sober 15 years and was a great husband/dad, just not right for me as a partner). As a result of that, and his own efforts to be a good man, we had a very amicable divorce and a very cooperative co-parenting experience. I still stay with him and his wife when I visit my grown kids. I just got a lovely Mother's Day card from them, and I sent one to the kiddos' stepmom.

So if you feel the urge to move on, that doesn't mean you have to feel hatred or loathing toward your current husband. You can be kind and encouraging, tell him you're really hopeful that he will make his life better. But still continue to move on with the divorce. If you're done, you're done.

SparkleKitty

batchel, you ARE and HAVE BEEN making healthier decisions for yourself. This is not a knot that is going to untangle with one step in the right direction.

A lot of recovery is learning to sit in uncomfortable places. So you have these feelings that are confusing regarding AH -- they are normal, they are understandable, and they are not something you have to fix or act upon immediately. Don't use them to beat yourself up for not being in a better emotional place right now. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and so much of a healthy emotional life is accepting that that is always the case, and that it will all pass in time.

batchel9

Lol, I really did not do a good job explaining myself. I am not asking whether I should run to this guy or not because I already know that answer.

I just find that anytime I see any indication of "hey, things might actually be better post AH" I run back to AH despite it not being good for me. Whether it be this nice guy that shows interest in me or me enjoying nights out with friends or me just enjoying my kids by myself.

Why why why do I keep turning back to the unhealthy instead of using it as motivation to make forward progress?

SparkleKitty

We get what you are saying better than you think we do, I suspect.

When we find ourselves in the uncomfortable in-betweens, we often turn to what is familiar, even if it is not healthy for us.

Your observation of this tendency is just that: an observation. It isn't a condemnation. And unless you turn these feelings into an action in an effort to make them go away, they don't have to carry any judgment on them all.

biminiblue

Habit? Maybe he told you that you needed him? Maybe you have residual guilt that there is something to be done?

batchel9

LexieCat your relationship with your ex is my goal!!! Thanks for giving me hope that things don't have to be messy!!

biminiblue

Lexie's husband was in recovery when she split with him. All bets are off in active addiction.

batchel9

Good point! I struggle with what is recovery vs active addiction with AH. He doesn't drink often (normally months in between), but when he does it's ugly. And he is always doing st least some things towards trying to get help.

FallenAngelina

This is the heart of your thread, as I see it. The new guy may very well be a wonderful person and turn out to be a beautiful love, we can't know. All the comments that he is "creepy" and suspect are not helpful at all. Many good men are there for women as they navigate choppy emotional waters, so maligning this new guy for wanting to be there is not only beside the point, it's disrespectful to the OP and to this man.

Batchel, your personal development is the point. Your happiness is the point. Your empowerment to make your own choices is the point. I'll say that for myself, I started going to Al-Anon because I realized how very attracted I am to alcoholics. This eerily powerful attraction is what I focus on in myself and I can feel things changing for the better. Attraction is deep, deep stuff and changing unhealthy proclivities involves exploring lots of new territory. This is why it is usually best to avoid new relationships as we are transitioning away from the unhealthy one(s.) You don't at all have to mistrust the intentions of nice guys who want to be there for you and all your baggage, but in order to get to a truly better place, you must be aware that you'll need lots of space and private time so that you can do your inner work. Your continuing attraction to your AH is evidence that there's work still to do, that's all. Losing your attraction to your AH is slow going, but it is happening as you progress, gaining more and more of yourself as you go along.