How to not get sucked back in....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Lexie's husband was in recovery when she split with him. All bets are off in active addiction.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by biminiblue
^^This.
I think new guy is creepy.
1.) Work relationships to most adults are off-limits for obvious reasons.
2.) You have just moved out. One month. Here swoops in Superman to "save" you. You're married.
Red flags all over the place.
Pray about this, trust the answer.
I think new guy is creepy.
1.) Work relationships to most adults are off-limits for obvious reasons.
2.) You have just moved out. One month. Here swoops in Superman to "save" you. You're married.
Red flags all over the place.
Pray about this, trust the answer.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I suggest you take from this the affirmation that you are indeed attractive and men who are not obviously ******* crazy will like you. It's like getting a nice little piece of chocolate. But don't do anything more with this flirtation - like everybody says, it's way too soon and there's too much that has to happen before you'll be ready to think about new relationships (for me it was two years before I could even contemplate dating). If he's still interested a year or two from now, then maybe ...
I can appreciate the ego boost (and there's nothing wrong with a little ego boost, as long as you keep it in perspective). I still remember being in a bookstore shortly after separation and running into someone I knew slightly from work and realizing "hey, he's flirting with me! he's chatting me up! that's pretty cool!". I did exactly nothing with this flirty moment (for one thing, he was married, which is uncool), but it did open my eyes to the possibility that when I was ready, there might be a possible romantic future out there.
I can appreciate the ego boost (and there's nothing wrong with a little ego boost, as long as you keep it in perspective). I still remember being in a bookstore shortly after separation and running into someone I knew slightly from work and realizing "hey, he's flirting with me! he's chatting me up! that's pretty cool!". I did exactly nothing with this flirty moment (for one thing, he was married, which is uncool), but it did open my eyes to the possibility that when I was ready, there might be a possible romantic future out there.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i actually met hank before i left my husband. however, and this is a big however, i had been planning to leave my husband for about 7 YEARS. and.....i was the drinker, not him. the only "conflict" i had was that i had no business staying married or PRETENDING to be married one minute longer....it was time to pull the trigger. i left in January, divorce was final in July........bada boom, bada bing.
i wanted to make that full disclosure before offering my two cents on the OP's situation.
batchel you are still very much entangled and involved with your AH. you have only been in separate residences for one month. you have 15 years of togetherness and problems, the "training" that comes along with living with a problem drinker, and "indoctrination" into the very NOT normal. you are still very much in the weeds.
an absolute rule of the workplace is to NEVER get involved with a co-worker. NEV-ER. you should know that AS SHOULD this male co-worker.
odd, he's known you for 3.5 years, and only when you separate and are at perhaps your MOST vulnerable to his "make his move" - he has watched you for over 3 years and undoubtedly knew or sensed that things were not well in your marriage, and now he's on you like white on rice. if he pays attention at church he should know that you are still untouchable, as you have not even BEGUN divorce proceedings yet.
i'm sorry if that assessment sounds harsh. i've been around for 57 years and have seen a thing or two. to date there has only been one person that i knew (friend of my husband) that had me completely fooled and when he finally turned on us, i was shocked to the core that i got the read so wrong.
you WILL meet healthy people.....but you have a major life decision to make FIRST and to navigate. you have untreated business to attend to and come to terms with. you need to patch the hole in the boat before inviting more passengers on board!
i wanted to make that full disclosure before offering my two cents on the OP's situation.
batchel you are still very much entangled and involved with your AH. you have only been in separate residences for one month. you have 15 years of togetherness and problems, the "training" that comes along with living with a problem drinker, and "indoctrination" into the very NOT normal. you are still very much in the weeds.
an absolute rule of the workplace is to NEVER get involved with a co-worker. NEV-ER. you should know that AS SHOULD this male co-worker.
odd, he's known you for 3.5 years, and only when you separate and are at perhaps your MOST vulnerable to his "make his move" - he has watched you for over 3 years and undoubtedly knew or sensed that things were not well in your marriage, and now he's on you like white on rice. if he pays attention at church he should know that you are still untouchable, as you have not even BEGUN divorce proceedings yet.
i'm sorry if that assessment sounds harsh. i've been around for 57 years and have seen a thing or two. to date there has only been one person that i knew (friend of my husband) that had me completely fooled and when he finally turned on us, i was shocked to the core that i got the read so wrong.
you WILL meet healthy people.....but you have a major life decision to make FIRST and to navigate. you have untreated business to attend to and come to terms with. you need to patch the hole in the boat before inviting more passengers on board!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I suggest you take from this the affirmation that you are indeed attractive and men who are not obviously ******* crazy will like you. It's like getting a nice little piece of chocolate. But don't do anything more with this flirtation - like everybody says, it's way too soon and there's too much that has to happen before you'll be ready to think about new relationships (for me it was two years before I could even contemplate dating). If he's still interested a year or two from now, then maybe ...
I can appreciate the ego boost (and there's nothing wrong with a little ego boost, as long as you keep it in perspective). I still remember being in a bookstore shortly after separation and running into someone I knew slightly from work and realizing "hey, he's flirting with me! he's chatting me up! that's pretty cool!". I did exactly nothing with this flirty moment (for one thing, he was married, which is uncool), but it did open my eyes to the possibility that when I was ready, there might be a possible romantic future out there.
I can appreciate the ego boost (and there's nothing wrong with a little ego boost, as long as you keep it in perspective). I still remember being in a bookstore shortly after separation and running into someone I knew slightly from work and realizing "hey, he's flirting with me! he's chatting me up! that's pretty cool!". I did exactly nothing with this flirty moment (for one thing, he was married, which is uncool), but it did open my eyes to the possibility that when I was ready, there might be a possible romantic future out there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i actually met hank before i left my husband. however, and this is a big however, i had been planning to leave my husband for about 7 YEARS. and.....i was the drinker, not him. the only "conflict" i had was that i had no business staying married or PRETENDING to be married one minute longer....it was time to pull the trigger. i left in January, divorce was final in July........bada boom, bada bing.
i wanted to make that full disclosure before offering my two cents on the OP's situation.
batchel you are still very much entangled and involved with your AH. you have only been in separate residences for one month. you have 15 years of togetherness and problems, the "training" that comes along with living with a problem drinker, and "indoctrination" into the very NOT normal. you are still very much in the weeds.
an absolute rule of the workplace is to NEVER get involved with a co-worker. NEV-ER. you should know that AS SHOULD this male co-worker.
odd, he's known you for 3.5 years, and only when you separate and are at perhaps your MOST vulnerable to his "make his move" - he has watched you for over 3 years and undoubtedly knew or sensed that things were not well in your marriage, and now he's on you like white on rice. if he pays attention at church he should know that you are still untouchable, as you have not even BEGUN divorce proceedings yet.
i'm sorry if that assessment sounds harsh. i've been around for 57 years and have seen a thing or two. to date there has only been one person that i knew (friend of my husband) that had me completely fooled and when he finally turned on us, i was shocked to the core that i got the read so wrong.
you WILL meet healthy people.....but you have a major life decision to make FIRST and to navigate. you have untreated business to attend to and come to terms with. you need to patch the hole in the boat before inviting more passengers on board!
i wanted to make that full disclosure before offering my two cents on the OP's situation.
batchel you are still very much entangled and involved with your AH. you have only been in separate residences for one month. you have 15 years of togetherness and problems, the "training" that comes along with living with a problem drinker, and "indoctrination" into the very NOT normal. you are still very much in the weeds.
an absolute rule of the workplace is to NEVER get involved with a co-worker. NEV-ER. you should know that AS SHOULD this male co-worker.
odd, he's known you for 3.5 years, and only when you separate and are at perhaps your MOST vulnerable to his "make his move" - he has watched you for over 3 years and undoubtedly knew or sensed that things were not well in your marriage, and now he's on you like white on rice. if he pays attention at church he should know that you are still untouchable, as you have not even BEGUN divorce proceedings yet.
i'm sorry if that assessment sounds harsh. i've been around for 57 years and have seen a thing or two. to date there has only been one person that i knew (friend of my husband) that had me completely fooled and when he finally turned on us, i was shocked to the core that i got the read so wrong.
you WILL meet healthy people.....but you have a major life decision to make FIRST and to navigate. you have untreated business to attend to and come to terms with. you need to patch the hole in the boat before inviting more passengers on board!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Batchel, with regard to your post wondering why, whenever you get a glimpse of what normal is like: night out with friends, drama free time with kids, interest from a guy, you feel the need to turn back to the unhealthy relationship.
You were together a long time. You had children together. You have been on your own for about a month.
I think that it takes time to fit into the new normal.
Keep what you want squarely in front of you, and you will be okay.
Peace.
You were together a long time. You had children together. You have been on your own for about a month.
I think that it takes time to fit into the new normal.
Keep what you want squarely in front of you, and you will be okay.
Peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by batchel9
I just want to move on from AH instead of always feeling conflicted / sucked back to him. How do I move on with life and stop looking back??
The point really is, when you do that you are focused on the here-and-now, and the future, not on the past.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
How do I move on with life and stop looking back??
well first.......do you WANT to? or shall i say do you feel READY to do so? smokers can't stop smoking until they are really ready to do, motivated and committed. it's suggested if one is going to change their diet to a healthier lifestyle, they need to clean out all the junk food, ice cream, and malted milk balls.
wanting to change is different than being READY to MAKE the changes. and that takes clarity and focus on what lies ahead. that can be supported and encouraged with support groups and therapy. doing some serious reflection. getting over some of the myths we've held on to. the negative chatter. the "i can'ts".
and then of course there's the divorce thing.
well first.......do you WANT to? or shall i say do you feel READY to do so? smokers can't stop smoking until they are really ready to do, motivated and committed. it's suggested if one is going to change their diet to a healthier lifestyle, they need to clean out all the junk food, ice cream, and malted milk balls.
wanting to change is different than being READY to MAKE the changes. and that takes clarity and focus on what lies ahead. that can be supported and encouraged with support groups and therapy. doing some serious reflection. getting over some of the myths we've held on to. the negative chatter. the "i can'ts".
and then of course there's the divorce thing.
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