thehumandoormat

He's gone missing. Again. Another Sunday morning has turned my stomach into knots as the dreaded phone call is placed only for his voicemail to speak to me. Less than 10 hours ago we were on the phone and laughing and talking and discussing our plans for Sunday and then *poof* gone again. This is a repeated pattern, used to happen randomly but now it's about once every 3/4 weeks and I can no longer spot the warning signs. I guess he's got better at hiding them or maybe his lies are better, I don't know. I am crushed I have never written on a forum about it before but I've spent hundreds of hours reading stuff online and trying to help, learn and understand but I come back to the same question: alcoholism or not, surely at some point before the glass touches to his lips he has a moment of clarity and thinks "I shouldn't do this but if I am about to, I should at least make sure I'm safe and that I let my girlfriend know I'm ok". Does that ever happen? Or maybe the pull of that first drink is just too strong and all of other thoughts are abandoned.

I am so new to this and so incredibly out of my depth. This person has nothing and no one and I literally pay for everything from their rent to the paper they wipe their butt with. Yet here I am again, alone and terrified. Why do they turn their phones offs? Why is the last time you speak to them/see them normal? Full of "call me first thing and wake me up" type messages, only then to turn their phone off? Why can't they just say "You know what, I'm going to get wasted tonight so I'll message you when I surface"? Is that too much to ask?

Perhaps I don't know enough about addiction but I know enough to know that no amount of love and understanding from me can ever hold strong against his numerous "friends" that only ever call him at night and lure him. I'm not suggesting he isn't responsible because he is but these friends aren't alcoholics but they know he is, why call him and encourage that?

What do I do? Do I call his Brother AGAIN and ask him to check on him? Do I call all of the hospitals and police stations AGAIN? (he has a history of being arrested when drunk). Or do I just accept that it's finally over and that he's either relapsed or with another woman? I think the latter would be easier to accept

Sorry for venting. I am so lost

honeypig

Good morning, human--glad you found us here at SR. Regarding your question "What do I do?", here's my suggestion: Carry on w/YOUR life. He is an adult and is responsible for himself. You are not his mom or his baby sitter.

I'm sure you're thinking "if only it were that easy!" Well, another suggestion as to what you can do: Spend some time reading around this forum. Make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page, lots of experience and inspiration there. I'd also suggest that when you're doing your "reading assignment", you look for threads/posts by members smarie and OT4kids. I think you will find things in those threads specifically that will resonate w/you.

Have you considered Alanon for yourself? It can be a great resource and support. For me, Alanon and SR were a powerful combo for change.

Keep reading, keep posting.

heartcore

You don't want that life, babe!

We choose a partner who is a grown-up who will stand beside us, making us stronger.

If our partner requires care like a child, they cannot hold that space for you. A child is not a partner. Grown-ups who require you to parent them are not a viable partner.

What you describe sounds broken.

I struggle with this stuff, also. I'm trying to build my own meaningful life, blah-blah-blah!

I get lonely, and I accept people that simply do not have the capacity to stand beside me as partner. Practicing addicts/alcoholics are laying low in a relationship! You end up carrying 85% of the conflict, mostly because they really don't care...

I have lived through a few relationships! My learning was that you stay up all night (on a night preceding an early workday at YOUR JOB!), calling hospitals, wracked with fear & worry, & it turns out that he's just "sleeping in the truck..."

And you still have to be at work at 7 am, and it's not fair, and one day you have an epiphany and realize it's not fair...and then you call it...

Casseopia

I am glad you posted. This forum is a lifesaver for those of us in knots over someone else's addictions.

You ask whether there is a moment of clarity before he takes that first drink and I totally understand why you would ask this. What I think we tend to do, is imagine that the addict thinks and feels the same way as we do. Unfortunately we cannot think the same way as an addict does in active addiction. This is where I see a huge amount of pain in friends and families of addicts as they wonder why the addict can't just stop and whether they can't just love us more than their addiction.

I have seen a lot of addiction in my life. I watched my mother burn through marriage after marriage, losing family members, friends, her stability and eventually the respect of her children. I have seen my uncle do exactly the same - losing girlfriends and wives he really did love because he couldn't put down the bottle. He currently lives in a bed sit on his own, in incredible pain, still furious with the world. My sister abandoned her three young children to go and live with her drug dealer. I cannot begin to imagine the regret and hangover she will wake up with one day. If she ever does.

And what bought me here to this forum was marrying a man who I thought was stable, kind, loving and together and then finding out two weeks after our wedding that he was addicted to cociane, alcohol and sex with men. He was brilliant at hiding it. A master actually. He has now lost three wives, his children, homes, dogs, friends, great jobs, money, communities and family. He is currently with a fellow addict he met at rehab and apparently planning to marry her.

So please do not take it as a personal slight that your addict cannot fight his addiction just by the mere power of thought or by reminding himself that he loves you. If it were that simple, there would be no need for AA, rehab or this forum. Addiction is a powerful beast as most of us here know only too well.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Please keep posting and know that you are not alone.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. You've gotten a lot of great feedback already. I'd concur (as a sober alcoholic of eight years and someone in two marriages to alcoholics), that there isn't any "moment of clarity" when it comes to drinking. It's like thinking about whether you should breathe. So it isn't personal--it isn't you.

One of the things we as partners are great at is enabling. Think about how your supporting this guy and taking care of his other needs makes it totally unnecessary for him to be responsible for himself--you're always there to give him whatever he needs when he needs it.

Now, something important to understand is that stopping the enabling will NOT necessarily get him sober. It's likely to make him angry, blame you, and move on to find a new enabler. That's really his problem (and the new enabler's), not yours. Most alcoholics have to accumulate a lot of losses in their lives before they are ready to do the hard work of getting sober, and lots of them NEVER get there.

There is absolutely no reason for you to sacrifice your life for this person. It will not help him, and it is a waste of your time and effort.

AnvilheadII

couple things jumped out at me in your post:

This person has nothing and no one and I literally pay for everything from their rent to the paper they wipe their butt with.

against his numerous "friends" that only ever call him at night

Do I call his Brother AGAIN

first question would be WHY do you fully support another full grown adult and pay all HIS bills? it makes absolute sense why he would just go off and do what HE wants and disrespect you - i mean why not? he's got the perfect set up.

he has plenty of others....you are not his only hope. you are just the one he conned into paying for everything. he has friends, he has family. he also has you as his biggest enabler.

this is NOT a relationship - this smacks of parent/child. only you are not his parent and he is not a child. it's time to accept you got duped big time, and cut him off. trust me, he'll be fine.

then you need to examine why you ever thought this set up was a good idea....and what you hoped to benefit from it.

atalose

Maybe now is the time to spend hundreds of hours reading stuff like ENABLING an alcoholic, codependency and toxic relationships.

Alcoholic or not, he's not treating you with respect or being a loving partner. And he continues this behavior because you keep allowing it.

I would suggest rather then accept that is over make the decision for it to be.

For one to relapse they would have had to have a period of abstaining from consumption and if he's doing this every 3-4 weeks or more its just active alcoholism not a relapse.

53500

Writing on my phone here--you've received much good advice. What do you do?

1. Stop paying for *anything*. This guy isn't your child.

2. As another poster said: rather than accept that it's over, DECIDE that it's over. He's using you.

Sorry you are in pain. Keep reading and posting. The disappearing act by A partners happens a lot. You're not alone.

LexieCat

Exactly. Empower yourself. Why would you let a drunk with a handful of marbles determine your future?

PhoenixJ

Hi- a brave post. No, not your fault. Not alone. Good feedback- I will not add to it- much wiser words than mine here. Stay safe- look to YOUR needs- not his. Seek support around you. Keep posting. Empathy and support to you.

maia1234

You are not married to him, and you have no children together. I would cut ties, block him and move on in your life. I know you care for him, but he is nothing more then a loser. Hugs my friend, run and run fast, it doesn't get any better than this.

suzyontour

Hi Human

My very first post on SR was so very similar to yours and I don't know if it's going to help but it's my truth and it's all I have to offer really. My AH (we are currently separated) was a runaway. It was a pattern over time that got worse and worse. The anxiety I felt when he would turn his phone of was crippling. I did it all. Tracked him down, did driveby's, called bars, screamed, cried, begged, ignored and you know what stopped him doing it? Nothing.

The clincher to the story is I'm also a RA so you'd think I understood his thinking, Not so. I can work my programme but could not for the life of me figure out why he kept doing this to me? Then it clicked he's not doing it to me. He's just doing what alcoholics do.

So what to do.? Well like I say I tried everything so I had to do something different. Ermmm. Every time he had done this I took him back. In the early days straight away, painful. As it progressed I'd make him wait a week or two ( very painful) Then sometimes up to a month or so (excruciating) still he did it all again even though he swore he wouldn't and he probably meant it at the time. Alcoholics are great at that. Change their minds in an instant when a drinks involved. Well now I'd gone to Alanon, I had a sponsor so what did I do different? I set a boundary. A big one. I will NOT live with an active A. And if he does it again I won't take him back. No hosay. It's either a programme or he can stay on his mums settee permanently.

So I did it. He's still there on his Mums settee 4 months later. Was it painful? Oh my days horrendous. Contact, No contact, meetings, no meetings, sponsor, no sponsor with hoards of benders and let downs sprinkled in. But then the breakthrough. I always took him back to stop MY pain. Regardless of what was the right thing to do. I had to stop the pain.

This time I went to a new territory, I pushed through the pain. I actually did and now I'm in a better place. No more anxiety, will he be home or won't he? Will he call or won't he? Yes Peace. The first bout of pain when pushed through gave me back my sanity and peace of mind. Who'd have thought it.

Best of all SR and its experienced ladies and gents helped and encouraged me all the way. If you'd have asked me 1 or 2 runaways ago if I could do this?. I'd say 'no way' But here I am. Alone but not lonely. Alive and not just getting by, and recovering from co-dependency on a daily basis. No more driveby's, late nights with puffy eyed mornings, obsessing or feelings of dread and Fear. Push through the pain even if it's only to say you CAN. See where it leads you. You may surprise yourself.

For me something had to change. That something was me

Keep coming back and sharing your journey xx

twocsgirl

Your question is "why does he do this", right? There are several factors in play and, truly, we will never know the "why". However, we can make some educated guesses and, if the forum would care to chime in, we can verify if we've identified some possibilities.

1. He cannot think rationally. If he's thinking crazy things, as a rational person, you can't understand crazy.
2. He is incapable of thinking of anyone except himself and his next fix. He's on a self-preservation mode and it doesn't matter to him that others are affected. He sees this as what he must do to survive.
3. He pulls away from true intimacy. If you get too close, you'll see the real him and his pain. He has to continue to keep you fooled so he can maintain his status quo.
4. He always gets you back when he disappears. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and he knows it. He knows that sweet words and physical needs are on his side and he will wield them against you.
5. He knows he's scum. Deep down - he knows it. The better a person you are the more it contrasts against his flaws. He feels like a total creep when you're around because he knows his truth. (Google and Read the lyrics to Radiohead's "Creep" - it will fit better than you know.
6. This is his pattern and he is likely to have tried this pattern with others. If you are supporting him, someone else might be supporting him too. Keep yourself SAFE - don't assume he is being faithful.
7. We know he's an alcoholic, but he could be a con artist as well. These decisions are opening your heart and your bank accounts. PROTECT YOURSELF financially, personally, sexually - EVERYWAY. Desperate people will act desperate eventually - you don't know what he may be capable of when he's up against the wall.

Sending all my love and understanding. I am in a similar place as you.

Sasha1972

I don't have any great insights to offer, but I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

hopeful4

If this were your daughter asking you about a man who treats her like this, what would you tell her?

Asking yourself that usually gets things in line where your head should be.

So sorry. You DESERVE more.