No Rescue
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No Rescue
Abf just woke me from sleep calling from random number to ask me to come get him because roommate wants him out tonight (it's 2am). Abf missing for over a week on umpteenth bender and calls out of the blue for rescue. No remorse or apology for vanishing, just begging for a place to go. Puts roommate on phone who is this poor sounding fella traumatized after living for a week witnessing the destruction Abf wrought in rented room. Wants him out - I explain to him I am a friend of Abf but do not live in town so can't come and he will need to call police. He says he did already twice last week including ambulance and he just returns right after.
Apparently he has been renting a room from this guy through Craigslist after lying to me that he's been in a sober living house. I suspected he was lying but I detached from his "recovery plan" so it didn't really matter, but still frustrating to know the level of dishonesty he had to think he could be a normal roommate to anyone while in full blown untreated addiction, not to mention lying about his recovery to me so I would think he was serious about getting sober (again, I'm no dummy despite my dummy Codie behavior, I knew full well he was lying about living in SL).
Anyway , i spoke to roommate who was quite shaken and I wanted to calm him down (this wasn't Codie me but compassionate me). I wasnt thinking of Abf now but instead this man who has no clue of addiction and is alone with the tornado and frightened. I explained to him the addiction and offered empathy as he detailed to me the household items all around the bed he saw (empty aftershave and hairspray). I let him know this was abnormally normal and that he was not in physical danger but he should call police again. He kept saying "I'm not a bad person I just need him to go. I don't want him on the street but I don't want him to stay. I'm a good person". I felt for this guy as I understood what he was going through.
He explained to me that he wants to let him sleep there tonight as he looks to have stopped drinking a couple days ago (likely detoxing now), but that he would need to be gone tomorrow.
It was at that point I told him nobody is judging him and calling police or enforcing he leave tomorrow will be the best thing he does for both he and Abf. I also let him know Abf knows what to do and can go to shelter or has a family he can call on and friends in program. He has resources so not to feel bad and that his own well being was priority.
Then I wished him luck and blocked the number from my phone.
Apparently he has been renting a room from this guy through Craigslist after lying to me that he's been in a sober living house. I suspected he was lying but I detached from his "recovery plan" so it didn't really matter, but still frustrating to know the level of dishonesty he had to think he could be a normal roommate to anyone while in full blown untreated addiction, not to mention lying about his recovery to me so I would think he was serious about getting sober (again, I'm no dummy despite my dummy Codie behavior, I knew full well he was lying about living in SL).
Anyway , i spoke to roommate who was quite shaken and I wanted to calm him down (this wasn't Codie me but compassionate me). I wasnt thinking of Abf now but instead this man who has no clue of addiction and is alone with the tornado and frightened. I explained to him the addiction and offered empathy as he detailed to me the household items all around the bed he saw (empty aftershave and hairspray). I let him know this was abnormally normal and that he was not in physical danger but he should call police again. He kept saying "I'm not a bad person I just need him to go. I don't want him on the street but I don't want him to stay. I'm a good person". I felt for this guy as I understood what he was going through.
He explained to me that he wants to let him sleep there tonight as he looks to have stopped drinking a couple days ago (likely detoxing now), but that he would need to be gone tomorrow.
It was at that point I told him nobody is judging him and calling police or enforcing he leave tomorrow will be the best thing he does for both he and Abf. I also let him know Abf knows what to do and can go to shelter or has a family he can call on and friends in program. He has resources so not to feel bad and that his own well being was priority.
Then I wished him luck and blocked the number from my phone.
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Also, to note....
Sure maybe I shouldn't have answered (impulse was to answer when jolted from sleep) or talked to the roommate. But for me it was the right thing and I felt good about it. I also felt good about telling ABF I am not coming to get him when in the past I'd be in that car with a warm bath and fresh bed waiting faster than you can say codependent.
At least the 'found dead in hotel room' dreams can stop and maybe I'll get some sleep tonight after all.
Sure maybe I shouldn't have answered (impulse was to answer when jolted from sleep) or talked to the roommate. But for me it was the right thing and I felt good about it. I also felt good about telling ABF I am not coming to get him when in the past I'd be in that car with a warm bath and fresh bed waiting faster than you can say codependent.
At least the 'found dead in hotel room' dreams can stop and maybe I'll get some sleep tonight after all.
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I am so proud of you for not engaging or rescuing!
What a hard call to get! You handled it beautifully!
I feel for the poor Craigslist roommate (maybe he will be our friend here soon!), but none of this belongs to you!
You dealt with this as an awesome, clear, and capable recovering being! I know you will likely be knocked off your game for a moment by that disturbing encounter, but you just threw down!!
Sleep sweet & dream deep! That was just right!
What a hard call to get! You handled it beautifully!
I feel for the poor Craigslist roommate (maybe he will be our friend here soon!), but none of this belongs to you!
You dealt with this as an awesome, clear, and capable recovering being! I know you will likely be knocked off your game for a moment by that disturbing encounter, but you just threw down!!
Sleep sweet & dream deep! That was just right!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Good for you!
Just be ready when he shows up at your door tomorrow claiming you said he could?
It's funny how we can give others exactly the right advice and compassion but can't do the same for ourselves without a struggle.
Sending you a hug.
Just be ready when he shows up at your door tomorrow claiming you said he could?
It's funny how we can give others exactly the right advice and compassion but can't do the same for ourselves without a struggle.
Sending you a hug.
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through Craigslist after lying to me that he's been in a sober living house. I suspected he was lying but I detached from his "recovery plan"
newsflash - there IS no recovery plan. there never WAS. it's all a farce.
i must say, you handled that whole thing very well. you gave the roommate a bit of "peace of mind" and reiterated that the best thing to do was to call the police. and you repeated that.
and you didn't don the cape and fly off to the rescue.
there's nothing TO rescue.
except you.
newsflash - there IS no recovery plan. there never WAS. it's all a farce.
i must say, you handled that whole thing very well. you gave the roommate a bit of "peace of mind" and reiterated that the best thing to do was to call the police. and you repeated that.
and you didn't don the cape and fly off to the rescue.
there's nothing TO rescue.
except you.
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Thanks everyone for the support! I woke up a little sad today vs. proud because my heart truly goes out to anyone suffering so much that they would do something so destructive in their life. It made my heart sad to know that despite the fact that he chose to drink, his addiction must be so strong that he has lost so much as a result and continues down this path. I feel compassion today that he is stuck now kicked out of another place and is alone in this. Yes I know he created it, but I can't help but feel for the pain addiction gives the user and the fact that they are willing to lose so much because of the demon that calls.
For any former addicts out there, now that you are sober, did you feel these boundaries helped you? I'm glad that I removed myself and yes deep down I am glad he does have family and soooo many connections through old friends in the program so it does help with that little voice in my heart that feels I am turning my back on him. I know he has help and I am just a buffer because let's face it, I let him stay with me and then what? It hasn't helped in two years how will it help now?
For those asking what I will do should he show up at my door, well, for now, just because I am at risk still with my codependency, I decided to stay out at my parents home this week about 30 or so miles away. I was there last night anyway when he called so will just stick around - he knows I spend time here so don't even have to lie about it. I wish him the best this week. Despite my little voice there feeling compassion for him, not an ounce of me regrets my decision.
For any former addicts out there, now that you are sober, did you feel these boundaries helped you? I'm glad that I removed myself and yes deep down I am glad he does have family and soooo many connections through old friends in the program so it does help with that little voice in my heart that feels I am turning my back on him. I know he has help and I am just a buffer because let's face it, I let him stay with me and then what? It hasn't helped in two years how will it help now?
For those asking what I will do should he show up at my door, well, for now, just because I am at risk still with my codependency, I decided to stay out at my parents home this week about 30 or so miles away. I was there last night anyway when he called so will just stick around - he knows I spend time here so don't even have to lie about it. I wish him the best this week. Despite my little voice there feeling compassion for him, not an ounce of me regrets my decision.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
He doesn't have keys to your place, right?
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I feel compassion today that he is stuck now kicked out of another place and is alone in this.
STOP IT. right now. HE got himself kicked out of ONE place among a list of places. he abused the privilege and put his roommate in a bad place, feeling helpless and scared, wanting to the right thing, damn near terrorized. he isn't ALONE, abandoned, without contacts or resources. HE IS NOT A LITTLE BOY!!!!! he knows EXACTLY what steps to take to address the alcoholism. he's just not interested.
your place is just another on his list. i know you think what you guys have is soooo special, but all i see is a ruthless addict who will do anything for a place to crash. after all, who did he call when he f'd up at this latest place? and if you let him within a 1000 foot radius of you, he'll do his best to manipulate you into letting him stay.....again.
and if you say NO, he will most assuredly find somewhere else to go. you aren't the only person on his phone list.
stand your ground. hit END on the romantic movie in your head.
STOP IT. right now. HE got himself kicked out of ONE place among a list of places. he abused the privilege and put his roommate in a bad place, feeling helpless and scared, wanting to the right thing, damn near terrorized. he isn't ALONE, abandoned, without contacts or resources. HE IS NOT A LITTLE BOY!!!!! he knows EXACTLY what steps to take to address the alcoholism. he's just not interested.
your place is just another on his list. i know you think what you guys have is soooo special, but all i see is a ruthless addict who will do anything for a place to crash. after all, who did he call when he f'd up at this latest place? and if you let him within a 1000 foot radius of you, he'll do his best to manipulate you into letting him stay.....again.
and if you say NO, he will most assuredly find somewhere else to go. you aren't the only person on his phone list.
stand your ground. hit END on the romantic movie in your head.
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