Ex showed up drunk at kid's school
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Thank you everyone! Getting all this support from from strangers on the internet has really helped strengthen my resolve that now is the time to give up on the hope of shared parenting and go for sole custody. At this point, it's not me deciding that ex isn't a good enough parent - it's ex deciding that he would rather drink than be a parent. In other words, this is something he's doing to himself, not me being "unfair". This distinction is an important one to wrap my head around. I've contacted a lawyer and will move ahead. I've also talked to the police at length about how to handle future scenarios.
Daughter's out of school care has banned ex from premises (no more pickups or dropoffs, staff are instructed to call police if they see him on-site). Ex's car is still there. I got a snarky text from him this afternoon so he's still alive, although probably still drunk. He has agreed that he's not in shape to look after Kid, so at least for this weekend I think I will be free of him.
This feedback is useful because ex is great at minimizing things - "everybody is overreacting, I can explain what happened, it's not that big a deal". I am glad to hear from you all that IT REALLY IS THAT BIG A DEAL.
Daughter's out of school care has banned ex from premises (no more pickups or dropoffs, staff are instructed to call police if they see him on-site). Ex's car is still there. I got a snarky text from him this afternoon so he's still alive, although probably still drunk. He has agreed that he's not in shape to look after Kid, so at least for this weekend I think I will be free of him.
This feedback is useful because ex is great at minimizing things - "everybody is overreacting, I can explain what happened, it's not that big a deal". I am glad to hear from you all that IT REALLY IS THAT BIG A DEAL.
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It surely is. That's great, that they have banned him. He can be charged with trespassing if he shows up again. And it doesn't depend on any orders YOU get--they have the right to refuse to allow anyone on their premises they deem disruptive or dangerous.
Sounds like everyone's taking it seriously. Oh, and a little bonus--the ban from the day care really supports your demand for custody. In two ways--one, they have deemed him disruptive/dangerous enough they won't allow him there, and two, he's not going to be able to do the practical thing he needs to do if he has custody. Two birds with one stoned drunk.
Sounds like everyone's taking it seriously. Oh, and a little bonus--the ban from the day care really supports your demand for custody. In two ways--one, they have deemed him disruptive/dangerous enough they won't allow him there, and two, he's not going to be able to do the practical thing he needs to do if he has custody. Two birds with one stoned drunk.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
It surely is. That's great, that they have banned him. He can be charged with trespassing if he shows up again. And it doesn't depend on any orders YOU get--they have the right to refuse to allow anyone on their premises they deem disruptive or dangerous.
Sounds like everyone's taking it seriously. Oh, and a little bonus--the ban from the day care really supports your demand for custody. In two ways--one, they have deemed him disruptive/dangerous enough they won't allow him there, and two, he's not going to be able to do the practical thing he needs to do if he has custody. Two birds with one stoned drunk.
Sounds like everyone's taking it seriously. Oh, and a little bonus--the ban from the day care really supports your demand for custody. In two ways--one, they have deemed him disruptive/dangerous enough they won't allow him there, and two, he's not going to be able to do the practical thing he needs to do if he has custody. Two birds with one stoned drunk.
The director of the after-school care told me that this is the first time in her ten years in this job that she's banned a parent, and only the second time in a thirty-year career in child care that the police have been called to deal with a drunk parent. I also learned that the after-school staff physically prevented ex from driving away with Kid - two of them stood behind his car so he couldn't reverse without hitting them while a third one coaxed him out of the car by telling him that "there's an important form you need to sign". In addition, it was another father picking up his kid who alerted the staff to ex's condition and who stayed around to make sure the police arrived. So I am grateful for people doing good.
I think Kid knew her father was drunk and tried to get him out of the building before the staff saw him (but being only a kid, made the not-good decision to get in the car with him so they could leave quickly). She's pretty protective, and has some denial about her father ("maybe he just didn't get enough sleep last night!"), but I think she's slowly accepting that he has really, really screwed up.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Yes - that was the strategy exactly. This way there's a "practical" reason why Kid needs to spend nights with me (in addition to "I don't trust you"), and also it's the after-school care imposing restrictions on his access, not me. (And the restrictions are for the safety of the staff and all the kids, not just Kid.
The director of the after-school care told me that this is the first time in her ten years in this job that she's banned a parent, and only the second time in a thirty-year career in child care that the police have been called to deal with a drunk parent. I also learned that the after-school staff physically prevented ex from driving away with Kid - two of them stood behind his car so he couldn't reverse without hitting them while a third one coaxed him out of the car by telling him that "there's an important form you need to sign". In addition, it was another father picking up his kid who alerted the staff to ex's condition and who stayed around to make sure the police arrived. So I am grateful for people doing good.
I think Kid knew her father was drunk and tried to get him out of the building before the staff saw him (but being only a kid, made the not-good decision to get in the car with him so they could leave quickly). She's pretty protective, and has some denial about her father ("maybe he just didn't get enough sleep last night!"), but I think she's slowly accepting that he has really, really screwed up.
The director of the after-school care told me that this is the first time in her ten years in this job that she's banned a parent, and only the second time in a thirty-year career in child care that the police have been called to deal with a drunk parent. I also learned that the after-school staff physically prevented ex from driving away with Kid - two of them stood behind his car so he couldn't reverse without hitting them while a third one coaxed him out of the car by telling him that "there's an important form you need to sign". In addition, it was another father picking up his kid who alerted the staff to ex's condition and who stayed around to make sure the police arrived. So I am grateful for people doing good.
I think Kid knew her father was drunk and tried to get him out of the building before the staff saw him (but being only a kid, made the not-good decision to get in the car with him so they could leave quickly). She's pretty protective, and has some denial about her father ("maybe he just didn't get enough sleep last night!"), but I think she's slowly accepting that he has really, really screwed up.
On the other hand I am so glad to hear of the good folks who stepped in to be sure nothing tragic happened.
Peace and healing for you and your daughter.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I am beyond angry at my ex. This afternoon he showed up drunk at our daughter's after-school care (located in her school) and tried to pick her up. The after-school staff, to their great credit, prevented him from leaving with her and called the police. The cops arrived, took him aside and called me. I brought her home and the cops took the ex off somewhere, probably driving him home, but at the moment I really don't care if they dumped him off a bridge.
So my daughter now has very special memories of seeing her drunk and possibly high father babbling at staff members she's known for years, and refusing to leave the premises when asked. She also has the pleasure of having seen her father taken away by the police. Fortunately I was able to get there in 15 minutes once the police called me. The staff also called a friend of mine, who is my emergency contact person, and she was able to get there before I did, so my daughter had her as well.
My daughter, 12, is pretty stoic and reserved, but the cops said she was crying when they got there. She is worried that everyone will look at her funny tomorrow because she's the kid with the drunk father. She keeps saying "maybe he wasn't drinking, maybe it was his medicine that made him act like that" - her denial and the desire to protect him is very strong.
I don't know how she is going to process this event. I don't know how best to support her. I am furious with ex and also with myself, because I allowed myself to think that he might be able to do okay if my daughter started spending more time with him (ex is on downward spiral - spent the past year in and out of rehab and psych wards, health and finances both trashed, currently on long-term disability from work and in the middle of ferociously hostile divorce from his second wife).
Any advice or thoughts are welcome. I have been postponing seeking sole custody of Kid because I kept clinging to this hope that maybe alcoholic ex could pull himself together enough to be a co-parent and the kind of father my daughter deserves. But maybe I've just been fooling myself.
So my daughter now has very special memories of seeing her drunk and possibly high father babbling at staff members she's known for years, and refusing to leave the premises when asked. She also has the pleasure of having seen her father taken away by the police. Fortunately I was able to get there in 15 minutes once the police called me. The staff also called a friend of mine, who is my emergency contact person, and she was able to get there before I did, so my daughter had her as well.
My daughter, 12, is pretty stoic and reserved, but the cops said she was crying when they got there. She is worried that everyone will look at her funny tomorrow because she's the kid with the drunk father. She keeps saying "maybe he wasn't drinking, maybe it was his medicine that made him act like that" - her denial and the desire to protect him is very strong.
I don't know how she is going to process this event. I don't know how best to support her. I am furious with ex and also with myself, because I allowed myself to think that he might be able to do okay if my daughter started spending more time with him (ex is on downward spiral - spent the past year in and out of rehab and psych wards, health and finances both trashed, currently on long-term disability from work and in the middle of ferociously hostile divorce from his second wife).
Any advice or thoughts are welcome. I have been postponing seeking sole custody of Kid because I kept clinging to this hope that maybe alcoholic ex could pull himself together enough to be a co-parent and the kind of father my daughter deserves. But maybe I've just been fooling myself.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
You said the police "drove him home"? Please tell me he was properly charged.
I also understand that it's a judgment call on their part whether to charge him or just take him home and get rid of him. He doesn't have his car, so at least he's not driving.
I called child protective services this morning to report, and gave them the police report number for the incident, will continue to pester them until they follow up.
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