Smarie78

Today was a tough day. I am trying to focus on my well being and think about the future that is to come and that it will be pleasant if I do right even if I can't see it now. I spent a good portion of the morning feeling sorry for myself that I'm sick and can't find work and still in this tornado of thought that the ABF is dead in a hotel somewhere and here I am alone again, unexpectedly expected. I thought about how his binge disappearances always feel like a break up does - except you were ghosted and they may or may not be dead - then multiply that by a monthly cycle and you may lose your mind! It's abandonment over and over (and yes fully aware it's a choice I make that must end for the abandoned feeling to end).

I'm not writing to ask for advice. I know what to do. It's just funny how I always think I'm use to it. And while I have settled down on my rescue missions, i.e. not doing them anymore or trying to control it or track him down and nurse him back to life, it still packs a punch when he disappears and I don't have my person here anymore.

Anyway - my sunshine today is just that. I almost wasted the day in my lonely apartment like a pathetic girl not realizing that the sun was shining outside and not terribly chilly. I was definitely going down that rabbit hole but I said nope. I took the pup to the park and just sitting here with the sun on my face and the nice breeze and I feel 10X better. I think she does too

What's your sunshine moment today?.

HeartbrokenGuy

I've had a few sunshine moments today.

The biggest is that my daughter is going with me this evening to my softball game even tho it's not my weekend with her.

Any extra time with her makes me extremely grateful and happy

dandylion

Smarie....I remember from a course in Marriage and Families....this subject was discussed.....
They said that knowing a persons place and position in the family was a very important thing....as in...where are they and what is the position in the family unit....The actually equated it with a "crisis" situation....and emphasized the enormous anxiety that it triggers.
It was considered a level above and different than just "lonlieness" for the person...or typical break-up heartache....it is more...
They said that it is in situations where a family member is missing in some way...or in estrangement....due to rifts between family members or just disappearing for any reason....It is described as extreme stress and psychic discomfort for all the family members.....
It occurs, to me, that this is what some of the alcoholics put family through, on a regular basis....
I regret to say that we, on this forum, often tell the distressed family member (usually the partner) to "take a chill pill" or to work on their co-dependence, etc.....or imply some sort of anxiety disorder,,,,,
I think we may be off base on this....as tis kind of distress may be within the realm of normal human reaction.....
I do think it is cruel for the alcoholics to do this kind of "disappearing"...but, alcoholics are not very good forrecognizing the pain that they put their loved ones through.... I do think it is abusive....
Even the husband who doesn't come home, without any word till three in the morning...I think that is cruel and emotionally abusive....

***I don't mean to start a fight...this is just something I was thinking about.....because OT4kids and Smarie and Ituvia (on one occasion) have been put through this kind of agony.....

freetosmile2

my sunshine moment today was a nice quiet house, the beautiful bright, warm sun pouring in my window (watching my cats get soo much enjoyment just to lay in its light), and coming here! Back to SR. I'm so glad I made the decision to come here again...I'd been away for so long that I couldn't even get my old account back!
So....I had a few as well.
And I know that the more I continue to find my sunshine moments and CREATE them if I have to, the happier I will be in the long run.

Great post! Thanks

Bekindalways

Good on ya Smarie for getting out. Getting my pathetic hieney off the couch is SO difficult for me and like you I feel 10x better.

I had a meh type of day in which I fought the good fight but didn't have a lot of success. The sunshine moment was picking up my 10 year old nephew from school and going swimming with him. We took turns diving between each others legs, racing and arguing about who was cheating and who wasn't . . . .lovely.

hearthealth

My son had a school event and did quite well in the challenge. Both children chose to sit next to me during the event instead of their friends. DS hugged and thanked me for being there for him. These days won't last forever but they will be cherished forever.

Bekindalways

Interesting thought here Dandylion. (Don't mean to highjack Smarie's thread here). In some ways I feel alcoholics are simpler than codies.

PhoenixJ

Smarie- art and making the rest of the world suffer by having to tolerate my weird humour.
You cannot change others. Only you- whether to isolate and wait and hope and get shattered (so wash, repeat?)- or choose sunshine, nature, a dog (dogs are way cool) and getting of our arses and living today, with an eye to the future. May be as hard- but it leads to something.
Empathy and support to you. PJ

Sasha1972

My sunshine moment was creating a blog for poetry (mine). I'm still not brave enough to put my real name on it, but at least I took the step of starting to get it out there.

Smarie78

Thank you so much for your empathy and sharing what you learned. I'm definitely working on the codepence and living my life as best as can be, but what you describe is exactly it. Maybe it's the simple idea of just not knowing, coupled with the repeated bouts of its occurance that overtime does bring about great distress as by the time you are overcoming it, it happens again. Like a scab that keeps getting picked right as it's closing. Detaching helps us, but the human reaction you describe remains - likely up through and even after the final act of physical and permanent release.

And no fights here don't worry

Thank you for your insightful reply!

Smarie78

Lovely. And kudos to you

Smarie78

I bet it's wonderful. Do you incorporate your experiences with addiction in your art?

Smarie78

Hijack away...how so? Curious. I would like to say it's their blissful ignorance of the pain and frustration their behavior brings and that they likely aren't spending their time blogging and analyzing about their problem, but then well...in many ways they are. I know for ABF when he binges he is down in a hole of depression and escapism.

Smarie78

I love this. Sunshine moment indeed One day I'll sit down and tell my mom everything too. I actually had a brief fantasy about just that today.

Nothing like a walk in the sun 😊

Smarie78

That's wonderful. Feels so good when their innocence and true love for you shows itself. You can feel the genuine closeness they too cherish 🤗

Smarie78

Awesome! I too am very close with the nephews. 10 is a fun age because they are going through this child but mature-like stage where you start treating them and having conversations with them like adults. Not grown ups but not babies anymore. Fun with children will always pull us out!

Smarie78

That's amazing. You sound like a great father. How lucky is she that this moment means this much to you unbeknownst to her. She will certainly feel it. Nothing like pouring your heart into a child.