Sunkeeper

I am so depressed. I feel like I'm walking on eggshell in my home and in my life. I get very little sleep due to the fact my mind constantly races, full of negative, fearful, self-conscious, judgmental thoughts. All day and night long. I'm so uncomfortable in my life it's sickening. I've been looking for a room to rent so I don't have to be around my Alcoholic husband when he goes on one of his, what I like to call "payday binge weekends/weeks" I do EVERYTHING around the house. I put my kids to bed and go to work terrified that my husband will be to drunk to take care of them if they wake up, thank God that hasn't happened yet and I have my FIL there to keep and eye on things. We live with my Husband parents who are both Recovering alcoholics. My MIL is bipolar and hoarder and so negative all the time. She steals my food, wipes, and other household items. She talks bad about me and judges my parenting. I'm doing the best I can with how I'm feeling. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to be here, I wish they would leave but there always home. My MIL spies on me. She will sit in the hallway and listen to our conversations. Yet she plays a victim. I can't handle it. I'm losing my s***.
I have tried to leave my husband but have failed due to serval reasons. One is I love him or think I do, 2 is for fiancial reason, guilt and fear, afraid to be a single mom on my own, hoping/believing that my husband will stop drinking, that he'll be enough for me, believing in marriage and not wanting to break my vows no matter the toll on me. I'm in a really bad place. I'm thinking about drastic measures one day then trying to just make it through to the next. I've been to therapy and I didn't feel comfortable and judged. I found a podcast from people in alanon and i knew I needed to get myself involved somehow to find peace in my life and know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy for staying. As I write this my throat tightens and water begins to fill in my eyes but i swallow it down and push back because I've cried to many times and I'm done. I need to take charge of my life and what I want. I hope alanon can help me be a better happier person and take away this stress, anger, resentment, dissapointment. I want to be in control of MY life and no one elses. I want to be ok with my life and be the best mother for my children so they can grow up with a happy childhood with a mother who is there and focused on them and their happiness! I need to find my sunshine on a cloudy day. Thankyou for allowing me to share and I'm happy I found you guys.

Maudcat

Welcome, Sunkeeper. Sorry for your trouble and pain. Can you get to Al-Anon meetings?. Could be really helpful for you.
You don't have to figure everything out this minute. I urge you, though, to take care of yourself.
Sending you good thoughts and hugs.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! Believe it or not, we've all been in pretty similar emotional places, even if the details are slightly different. I think Al-Anon will be TERRIFIC for you. How old are your kiddos? This sounds like a horrible environment for them to have to live in. If they are in school, maybe a school counselor could help.

There IS a way out. You've got too much going on in your head right now to see it. Al-Anon will help with the racing thoughts and help you regain some perspective.

One thing is for sure. Being a single mom cannot possibly be more difficult than the situation you're in right now. The in-laws are compounding an already difficult situation.

One thing about marriage vows--they are not a mutual suicide pact. Did your husband promise to treat you to the life you're living right now? Didn't think so. There are solutions to all of the obstacles you've mentioned.

Glad you're here.

firebolt

Big hugs to you. Living in that situation would be maddening, depressing and defeating. I can see why you feel the way you do!

It took me going to a couple different counselors to find one I liked. Same with Alanon meetings.

Regarding your vows - you didn't vow to allow someone to drag you through hell - he isn't holding up his part of the deal at all. Please let go of any guilt you have in leaving - HE broke the contract long ago. Your only obligation at this point is to yourself and the kids...and it sounds like you are scared for them too.

PLease keep posting - we've been there, there is hope, and lofe does not have to be this way!!

It's time to take care of yourself, you are in the right place!

PhoenixJ

welcome, no advice- empathy and support. Keep posting.

teatreeoil007

Okay: I'm going to be a bit blunt here starting out: you need to ditch the MIL. Now, I'm saying disown her and cut her out of your lives completely. But, BOTH of you need to set firm boundaries with her and stick to it. She is a negative presence in your lives. I'm grateful I have a husband who has always kept his mom in check or she would have been one of those overbearing, meddling, MIL's we hear so much about.

Now, as for the addiction issues and what to do with the rest of the mess: You need to be EMPOWERED, somehow. You need help for yourself and help is available. I'm glad you've found us.

I know the thought of leaving and being a single mom is very scary. I was going through a rocky time in my marriage when my kids were babes. Thank God it passed, but I had days when I just wanted "out", but couldn't find a way out.

Then, one day, I had an epiphany. And, I realized I could be happy, but it was up to me to get there; no one else. I had to take the bull by the horns. I was depressed. Post partum depression. Granted, he was not really being best husband to me at that time. Something was missing. It was just a bit dark. But, I realized, 'I can be happy regardless. My own happiness is going to have to come from myself.' And, in life, that is how it really works. Our happiness does not really depend on other. It depends on us.

Now, are there various "factors" that come into play? Yes, absolutely. Finances. Living situations. ADDICTION PROBLEMS. Job satisfaction. Self esteem. Relationships. Being able to ENJOY life. Etc, etc.

theuncertainty

Welcome, Sunkeeper. I'm so glad you're reaching out for support.

I just wanted to mention that if the therapist you had seen before didn't really listen and made you feel judged, they weren't the right one. I don't know what the drastic measures are that you've considered, but I know what mine almost was. If I hadn't found a therapist that I connected with, I don't think I'd be here to talk with you. Sometimes events and circumstances require the assistance of a professional to help us move past our inability to see other alternatives. If that's the case, please don't let a bad experience with one therapist stop you from getting the help you need. ((((hugs))))

teatreeoil007

I'm NOT saying cut your MIL out of your lives completely, etc.....

Sorry, I missed putting NOT in there.

teatreeoil007

You mentioned putting the kids to bed before you leave for work.

Does this mean you work night shift?

I've worked the night shift before and it was hard. My nights and days were are mixed up and I didn't really enjoy my days off. I started to feel better when I got off nights. Also, if you ARE working nights, how do you sleep during the day with the in-laws being there all the time? If you're not getting good sleep, not much will look very positive to you and you feel less up to really working on the problem.

HURTINGDINA

I read the best chit on here...hands down

HeartbrokenGuy

Welcome Sunkeeper.

Not too long ago, I was feeling exactly the way you are.

I personally found some peace in Al Anon meetings and also this forum. I also found the book Codependent No More to be extremely insightful and give me some peace of mind.

I felt my biggest turmoil came from a position of wanting to flee for a better life and yet being fearful of the consequences if I did. I too also felt trapped by promises I had made and the obligations of my relationship.

I am not saying you are feeling this way, but if you are know that others have felt as you do too.

It brought me peace to realize my story and feelings were not unique.

Please keep posting and at least keep reading.

Bird615

Welcome Sunkeeper!
You'll find a lot of information and support for yourself here.

SoloMio

I can only repeat what others have said, and please keep reading here. It will be your lifeline as you try to figure out how to bring sanity back into your life.

FeelingGreat

Hi Sunkeeper, your title says it all, and your post was so descriptive of your situation I felt like I was there with you.

Along with the suggestions from other posters about Al-anon, my thought is that instead of feeling helpless to change, you put together a plan of how you can remove yourself from this situation.

You might start with a picture in your mind of where you'd like to be in a year's time. What will you need to get there? Support (from agencies, friends, your own family, your church), money (your own bank account, how you can save enough, your job), care for the children, a place to live.

Once you make a plan in your mind, you stop feeling so helpless and start taking control of your life. It gives your the momentum to act, even in little steps, to get you where you want to be.

teatreeoil007

This^^^^^^
Yes, start to formulate a plan.

Sunkeeper

Thankyou for all your support. Im finding myself struggling on how to respond. I read "make a plan to leave" and I feel myself getting defensive. In reality I have formed many plans to leave and actually left a couple of times but always come back. Sometimes I'd leave for a few days, at one point I left for a few months. But I want to stay and be with him but not the way things are now. I want to figure out a way to be happy with my AH as he is and restore and keep my sanity. I feel like the taylor swift song when she says
"I'm sitting eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life
Baby, baby, I feel crazy
Up all night, all night and every day
I gave you something, but you gave me nothing
What is happening to me?"

I have realized that I don't have to react to his drunken behavior, I don't have to yell and scream and put him down in his intoxicated state that only escalates situations. But in the heat of the moment sometimes my anger gets the best of me. I've only just been introduced to alanon through the podcast " the recovery show" ( great podcast btw) and through SR but have learned a great deal about myself and what I am doing wrong or not helpful to me. I have SOOO much more to learn. I also find myself defending my AH, in my mind saying yes it's bad when he drinks but he only drinks on payday like that justifies anything. Yes I'm scared for my kids to grow up like he grew up, in a dysfunctional alcoholic family where he'd witness his parents rage at each other. Of course I don't want that for my children. But I also don't want to take them away from there father and be fatherless like i was, wondering why my daddy was never around and why he didn't love me. It's so confusing and complicated. To try to protect them and love them and do the "right" thing for them. My children are just babies. They don't have a clue what's going on right now and I hope that one day my AH will realize his problem effects his whole family and stops drinking before they realize something is wrong with daddy. I'm going to keep reading and researching and taking it one day at time. I can always change my mind. Right now figure ways to make my situation right now liveable and pleasant as possible.

P.s. about the in law, for now they are there and not going anywhere. They are not financially able to live on there own and I'm to kind to kick them out on the streets. I'll have to learn to voice my opinions and thoughts when they are important to me and let the rest go. Also I need to set boundaries and voice them to her. Because it's driving me crazy that she she steals my food... grr

Thanks all for your support and encouraging words!

dandylion

Sunkeeper.....definitely consider attending alanon. Try different groups to find where you feel most comfortable.
In addition, I suggest that you get the literature of "Adult Children of Alcoholics".
You can order from amazon.com....and get used books, quite cheaply.....or go through your local library....
this will give you a good picture of the effects of alcoholism on the children who grow up in an alcoholic home....

"Co-Dependent No More" is highly recommended, in these parts. If you haven't already read it, I think you will find a lot that will resonate with you....

Detachment is a good tool....but, it is only one tool...it is good to buy some time and space...and give you room to think...but, it is not. usually, the whole goal...except in certain circumstances...
while a hammer is certainly necessary, one doesn't build a whole house with only one tool.....

honeypig

This is an EXCELLENT start, Sunkeeper. As another member said, you don't have to figure it all out right this minute. Get your bearings. Take some time to educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Both SR and Alanon are great resources for support and education, and I found they worked together very well for me.

Hope you keep coming back to read and post. The great strength of SR is the depth and breadth of experience you'll find here, so please read, read, read everything you can as well as posting in other people's threads. You never know when your comment or insight or even just a statement of "I know what you mean" will be exactly what that person needs to hear, so don't be shy or think that b/c you're new, you have nothing to offer here.

Edited to add: Just read dandy's post, and I want to strongly, strongly echo that. Many good points.

honeypig

I also want to add this link, b/c I think you are not at ALL alone in feeling defensive, Sunkeeper:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html

LexieCat

Nobody's saying you have to kick everyone out, or leave with the kids, this minute. There are some emergency situations where we might urge that (where there is abuse, for instance), but apparently that isn't the case.

Your first post suggested that there were a lot of obstacles preventing you from leaving. One thing I think we would all agree on here, though, is that one of your goals should be to get yourself in a POSITION to leave, if you decide at some point that it's necessary. As you learn more about alcoholism, you will learn that it's progressive and that his drinking WILL get worse. You will also learn about some of the tragic effects this disease has for children who must grow up in a home with an alcoholic parent. So I think the less "trapped" you are able to become (and to feel) the more freedom you will have to make the best choices for you and your kids down the road.

Divorce, if it comes to that, does not mean that your children are "fatherless"--you can seek protections like alcohol monitoring and supervised visitation to make sure they can continue to have a relationship with their dad, to the extent it's safe for them to do so. Many people here have done that. But the kids are spared the day-to-day danger, chaos, and embarrassment of living with active alcoholism.

There's also the possibility that your husband will eventually choose sobriety. Which is great for the kids, whether you are still living together or not. There's not a lot you can do to MAKE that happen. What does he say about his drinking? Has he ever expressed a desire to quit?

Since there's little you can do to get him sober, put your efforts into making life right now more livable, but ALSO think about what you would need to do to leave, IF it becomes necessary. Because it might eventually come down to that.