musiclady14

Almost 4 weeks down the road from leaving my AH. The kids and I continue to thrive.

I know I'm only in the very early stages of recovery from my AH and codependency, but do the reactions to hearing something about him or having brief contact in an email (there have now been 2 brief email messages and an email money transfer from him since I left) ever diminish or stop? By reactions I mean that physical rush of adrenaline that I used to get when he first talked to me after the silent treatment that now pops up with any contact after weeks of silence. Or the emotional chaos I feel when I think about him being on online dating sites and so on. That same upset I felt when he lied to me time and again and I twisted myself up trying to figure out the truth. I'm not in love with him anymore. I would never reconcile. I don't care about what (or who) he's doing. I'm being very honest on this.

So are these reactions simply habit? I'm frustrated to be experiencing both physical and emotional reactions when my feelings for my AH are dead and buried! I had worked through grieving my marriage months before I left, so what is this? It seems so irrational and I want to get past it. Maybe time will heal all? Input?

Bekindalways

Hey Musiclady, it's different for everyone but you are right in that time will heal. No one gets to walk away from a long term relationship with out pain. No one. With each emotion you feel, the further along the path you are. It is a problem with addicts that they medicate their feelings so don't grow and heal from the natural hurts of life.

All the emotions are just part of the grieving and it isn't a smooth upward line of healing. My favorite book on grieving was, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I don't like most self-help books but read this one multiple times. It is a quick easy read and like having a friend to grieve with.

Hugs!

amy55

Hi,

It will stop eventually. I did this for a long time. I think I was so conditioned to whatever. If the phone rang I would just jump. You know you mentioned the "silent treatment". That is one of the worst. It makes you feels like you don't even exist. It was like I needed that phone to ring so that I would feel better, but then it was like I never wanted to hear that phone ring again, but yet it would.
I'm just going to tell you that yes, it does get better. Length of time, I can't tell you that. I still need to leave the phone on the table that is away from me, and I know that he won't be calling me, it's just the ring of the phone that is a trigger for me.

I think it's just good for you that you know it is a normal reaction after the trauma that you have been through.

It will get better.

((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Ladybird579

With me it's been circular. My emotions at first were anger and frustration and then as I worked on myself I actually despised him from the bottom of my heart to the point at one time I hated him. I went around in that loop for a long time. Then I "progress" to ignoring him and not letting his behaviour get to me. Whether that was total silence from him or him phoning to quack. My ability to cope with that is circular too. Some days am fine, other not so good.

When I can go no contact I feel better for longer but I've two, now 18 year old, sons with him. Both of them have disablities which mean any contact they have I have a certain amount of involvement in. One has gone no contact and the other keeps changing his mind.

My grief I was feeling was actually for myself and my kids who I'd die for. The marriage was well over in 2009. It just needed a funeral. The enormity of what he'd put me and them through and what I'd allowed myself to be put through has taken 3 years and counting to process. I feel happy for a time, then I plummet into depression and a certain amount of anger over how much of my life was wasted. Again it's circular. Am in the depressed stage again. Am 3 years in and spent yesterday in bed crying. Am not telling you this to make you think you won't ever get better but to tell you it 's normal. Healing is a process not an event. I have ptsd and I know I have to give myself time. Be kind to myself and accept not everyday is going to be great. ((hugs))

Maudcat

It's still very early days, Music. Things will ease off in time. Stay focused on your recovery, your new and improved life, and what makes you happy. Peace.

Forward12

It does take some time, but you are well on your way to a much better life! Be sure to limit contact to only things absolutely necessary and do not engage in anything else beyond that.

firebolt

THe reactions dwindle over time. I still feel aweful after an ex sighting. I hate that he can still make me feel so badly after over a year apart....however, now, it ruins 15 minutes for me, rather than 2 days.

Hang in there, it ONLY gets better if you continue your path of healing. This is all pretty fresh, go easy on yourself!

abbccj03

HUGS! I am dealing with many of the same emotions. Tomorrow will be 14 days since AH moved out. I have been up and down. But still strong in knowing this is the best for our family. When I start to have moments of sadness- I try and tell myself that grieving my marriage and the loss of our family intact is ok and I can have a few pity party moments. Then I pick myself back up and move forward to be strong for myself and my sweet babies. I will def. be purchasing the book mentioned above.

hopeful4

I don't know. For myself, I continue to have to deal with my X on a regular basis, and he has been verbally abusive of myself and my children since our divorce. Since that continues, and I never know when that will be, I continue to have that fight or flight emotion every single time I have to interact with my XAH.

I'm working on it through counseling.

Hugs.