SmallButMighty

I used to hope my (ex)husband could moderate successfully too. I even used to believe he was... until once again ( and again and again) he was not. Much like ladyscribbler's ex, mine would also conceal vodka in iced tea or coke and only have a "coupla beers" whilst staggering, slurring, and unable to blink his eyes in unison or navigate corners.

Best of luck to you and your husband. Perhaps he really does have the strength that most alcoholics do not when it comes to being able to moderate. Time will tell.

SparkleKitty

Some additional thoughts about moderation:

1) It presupposes someone can make better decisions the more impaired they become.

2) It's every alcoholic's dream to drink "like a normal person". I drink like a normal person and I literally don't need to put one second's effort into figuring out how much I can "get away with" or where the threshold is of embarrassing behavior. Moderation is less an attempt to stabilize one's drinking than it is an attempt to stay in denial of the magnitude of one's problem.

3) Please don't become the Drinking Police. Is that how you want to live? Is that how you have fun at parties? Monitoring every drop that goes into his system? Gauging how far he is from embarrassing? Would you wish that for your best friend or your daughter, that this is they way they should spend their one precious life?

I hope for your sake that your husband is the exception to the rule that can manage this, but I also hope you will keep your expectations low for his long-term success.

Wheresmyunicorn

This is us right now - recently, "I let him know that I couldn't - and wouldn't - tolerate the excessive drinking forever. I didn't set any hard and fast expectations, just that I was growing weary of it all". And low and behold the drinking started increasing almost immediately, and now, after a brief and inconsequential issue last Friday, he is still "punishing" me by not speaking to me unless necessary for the kids' activities and child care. Ugh! I feel your pain!

Like you, I'm not one to come down on drinking - I myself drink. But when AH is drinking, his moods are erratic. Both DDs have made comments in recent months about our lack of "family time" and similar things which bring me to realize they see much more than I know - even though he is a good father the vast majority of the time and helps out as much as anyone could expect (and occasionally more).

I wish you the best.

dandylion

Triester.....I was going to post something to you...but, then, after going back and re-reading your posts, again.....I refer you to go back and read my other post to you....because I think it still applies....

I know that you are encouraged that he has decided to become a "social drinker"....as you "gave him the choice" to continue as he has--- or become a "social drinker" ..... Everything you have described indicates (in my opinion) that he has crossed into the realm of alcoholism....and, if I am right...he cannot become a social drinker. The alcoholic voice in his head will talk to him 24/7, and convince him to increase his consumption. It will wait until he is the most vulnerable...and talk to him the loudest....He may be able to hold it back for a while, or hide it better.....

The reason that I am writing all this (and, I am sure that I am raining on your parade), is that I am concerned for you...because you didn't mention what you are doing for your overall welfare, or preparing for what your future might bring....
These are the things that I think are vital for you....
You need to know your legal and financial rights....
You need to prepare yourself to enter the job market....(you can always tell him that the kids will be leaving the nest, soon, and that you feel the need to resume a career so that you don't become a depressed empty nester)....
I think, considering your background as the child of an alcoholic household, that you should look into reading the literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics (on amazon.com)...because I think you have been enormously influenced by that...
I strongly...strongly...encourage you to read the articles in the "sticky", on the front page, above the threads,...read the one called "Classic Readings"....it is a bootcamp of knowledge about alcoholism and co-dependency.....Knowledge is power!

Check out this website---www.womansDivorce.com....
It will educate you about every area of divorce. It is arranged by state, and it is educational in nature....
It will help you figure out what questions to ask your own lawyer.....

It sounds like you have bought yourself some time, while he is trying to become a social drinker....so, it would be a good idea if you use it wisely.....

Bird615

As a recovering alcoholic who also thought drinking a case of beer was "fun", I have to say that going to something like a cookout and having to limit myself to something like 4 beers would have been sheer torture and I would have been resentful and miserable. Once I had a few, I no longer had a choice in how much I would drink. I would have done whatever I could have to find a way around that and had more.

For someone like me, contolled drinking just didn't work no matter what I tried. I might manage it once in a while and then be convinced I didn't have a problem, but sooner or later I would be unintentionally drunker than even I wanted to be.

I also lived with a practicing alcoholic when I was sober and remember all the watching and pleading and bargaining to get him to control his drinking. (He was Mr. Charming Wonderful when sober) Being the Booze Cop was not fun. When it came down to choose the booze or me, I lost that one. He kind of tried but he couldn't do it.

Funny how I couldn't seem to remember what it had been like for myself. What got me sober wasn't even so much my own outside circumstances or anything anyone else said or did, it was my own internal feelings of being in hell that made me finally surrender and become willing to do whatever it took to stop.

I'm glad that you are putting your kids first in this. I remember my own dad's drinking and the chaos and walking on eggshells thing very clearly. My sisters and I would go hide in our rooms whenever he came home late from work.

In your husband's case, time will tell. That and being educated more about alcoholism and codependency will help you know if you need to be making some hard decisions.

TheHopeful

Agree with what others have said. Sounds like an alcoholic and acceptable social drinking will never work.

I tried that with my boyfriend. There would be incidents, he'd agree to cut down and then it would all happen again. More and more frequently.

For a while I was actually stupid enough to believe him when he would say he hadnt been drinking. He'd come home chewing gum or run to the bathroom first thing to brush his teeth or use mouth wash.

I just couldnt understand why he would be stumbling around and slurring his words after "just a few beers". Looking back now, all the warning signs were there and it's hard to believe how naive I was.

ladyscribbler

My ex actually started drinking mouthwash as well. We would sometimes go through 5 or 6 bottles in a week. He'd come home from Dollar Tree with bags of Lander Mouth Wash (the blue kind was his favorite). He would always say he spilled it when I asked why it was gone in a few days.

But somehow this guy who was guzzling mouthwash in our bathroom was going to get his drinking under control. I can't believe how long I lived with that. The best thing I did after leaving him was to get myself to Al Anon and work my own program of recovery to figure out why keeping my children and myself in that insanity seemed like a desirable choice. Not only keeping us there, but working so hard to make it work around him and his drinking behavior. All that wasted energy.

Sasha1972

Triester,

He shouldn't be "negotiating" his drinking with you. You don't give or withhold permission for him to drink. If he's going to stop, he has to withhold permission from himself, if that makes sense.

I know this isn't a great comparison, but this four-beers behavior reminds me of a very young child testing limits - Mom said go to bed right now, what's shs going to do if I dawdle for a few minutes? Mom said no more cookies, what's going to happen if I just sneak one more? I don't mean to imply that your husband is a child, but it does sound like you're being set up to test limits.

Maudcat

Hey, Treister. Just checking in. Things going okay?

Coffeebean9

I am so glad i read this thread.... I truly feel everything everyone is talking about and find myself contemplating my next move, then when i read the next reply I am stunned at what my next step would come to be... you guys have already done and it. It is scary to read because I still have hope but everyday I read posts i come to realize i can do nothing to change him. Thank you for posting this and everyone for responding to he thread you have helped me so much... thank you thank you thank you....

Txbuttercup

I know exactly what you mean. I started lurking about 6 months ago and read some poster's threads chronologically going back years...the punch line of their stories was so obvious to me really early on. It was not difficult to predict the outcome after 2 or 3 posts, even if it didn't happen until a couple years later.
I know there are those who read my posts and see the writing on the wall clear as day. It is difficult to apply common sense to your own life sometimes when you're in the middle of the storm.
Any idea we or our alcoholic has some one here has tried before. We are all equally powerless.
I'm so glad you found this board and that it is helping you.

Coffeebean9

That was deep. I never thought to even do that. But I understand completely your motive. I'm almost scared to dive into all of that because what I've been reading from other people is how I see my life in 10,15, 20 years. Because their past sounds so much like my present. I'm trying to separate emotion from reality. I know i took 3 courses of chemical dependency(social work major), still as much a I have "learned", I was taught nothing. I was taught to be on the other side, taught to be on the surface and not really empathize(because I truly didn't understand) I'd always say " I'm never working drug and alcohol", I achieved that, I'm living it!

We got this txbuttercup. It takes time i guess. Good luck, I hope to see you're progress through this turn out to be what you want in life!