Hurting, embarrassed, and scared - this is long...
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Hurting, embarrassed, and scared - this is long...
My husband of 17 years is a phenomenal man....when he's sober. Which to be fair, is more often than it used to be. He's funny, and smart, and he's a great dad...again, when he's sober. I used to threaten to leave if he didn't get the drinking under control, despite the fact that other than the alcohol, we have a pretty good marriage. After a particularly bad argument a few months ago I think he realized that I was losing patience and he did 'get it under control'...sort of. He cut down by a lot. No longer was he drinking 4-6 days a week. Instead, it was only 1-2 days a week. And not always to the point of being completely wasted either. I thought I could live with that. And until last night, we had managed to maintain our marriage and find peace with this arrangement. The one caveat I've always had was that if he ever embarrassed our children, or they ever came to me about his drinking, it was over. I would leave.
Last night it happened. My daughter had a friend over for the night. The morning and afternoon were fine - he puttered in the garage and got a few projects done. Then, a couple of hours after our daughter's friend arrived, he decided to start drinking. From about 4:00 til 9:30, he drank over a case of beer. By 5:30, I realized he was getting drunk with no plans of stopping. I rushed to get dinner ready, thinking if I could just get him to eat, he'd be fine. He wasn't. He was drunker than I first thought and made a completely fool of himself in front of our daughter and her friend. My daughter was mortified. Although my kids have seen their dad drunk before, I was always able to play it off and shield them from the true reality of it. But they're teenagers now and I've known for a while that they're beginning to understand the problem, though it's not something we've ever discussed with them. Being the daughter of an alcoholic father myself (surprise! Not.) I know all too well the pain and embarrassment my daughter felt last night. She came to me for the first time ever about it and it broke my heart in two.
I was serious about leaving if he ever embarrassed our children. But it's been a long time since I even thought that was a possibility. He's always held it together in situations where they might be impacted that way. Since I first made that threat years ago, our circumstances have changed. He convinced me to move across the country for his job when his company asked him to transfer (his salary is about 5x's what mine is). So I quit my job of 14 years to do what I felt was best for our family and became a stay at home mom. We're back now, after over 4 years, due to the contract he was working on being over. I've chosen to remain a stay at home mom in part because after being out of a fast-paced field for this long, there's no way I can just jump back in. Decent paying jobs are hard to come by anyway, let alone with your skill set is outdated. But I just can't pretend this didn't happen. Or that it won't happen again. I also know that he won't ever stop drinking and I now know that he cannot control it in a way that is acceptable or makes our lives maintainable. I simply cannot imagine my daughters enduring the same misery as I did growing up and it's obvious I can no longer shield them from it. But there's also no way that given our debt, I can leave and make it as a single mom on what I'm sure will be a lower-wage job. At minimum I would need $15-$16 an hour to cover rent, utilities, etc. Jobs in my area that I would qualify for pay around $11-$12. That puts me way short. I could hang on a bit longer while I sharpen my skills. I could get a job while still staying in the marriage and work towards becoming financially independent, but I know he'd become suspicious as to why when he knows I love being home. If he found out I was planning on leaving, I have no doubt he'd leave immediately rather than support me in my goal to wait until I'm in a financially stable place. He's a good man in general but he can also be vindictive when he's hurt. Kind of like an injured animal - he'll lash out instinctively.
I'm just not sure what to do. Add in the fact that my family and friends have no clue anything is wrong and I feel like I've got no support system in place at all. My mom knows he has a problem, but not the extent, and she and my dad are still married despite his continued alcoholism. There's no way I could feel comfortable living there with them, though I know I could if I needed to. I've accepted my dad's drinking. I know he loves me and much like my husband, he's a good man. He was never abusive or hateful. Still, I can't stand to be near him when he's drinking. Every popped tab, every sound of him crushing a can, takes me right back to the anger and resentment I felt as a kid. It does no good to pull my kids out of one alcoholic home and put them into another. Yet, if I want to leave now, they would be my only option. I'm hurt and I'm scared, and I have no idea what my next move should be.
Last night it happened. My daughter had a friend over for the night. The morning and afternoon were fine - he puttered in the garage and got a few projects done. Then, a couple of hours after our daughter's friend arrived, he decided to start drinking. From about 4:00 til 9:30, he drank over a case of beer. By 5:30, I realized he was getting drunk with no plans of stopping. I rushed to get dinner ready, thinking if I could just get him to eat, he'd be fine. He wasn't. He was drunker than I first thought and made a completely fool of himself in front of our daughter and her friend. My daughter was mortified. Although my kids have seen their dad drunk before, I was always able to play it off and shield them from the true reality of it. But they're teenagers now and I've known for a while that they're beginning to understand the problem, though it's not something we've ever discussed with them. Being the daughter of an alcoholic father myself (surprise! Not.) I know all too well the pain and embarrassment my daughter felt last night. She came to me for the first time ever about it and it broke my heart in two.
I was serious about leaving if he ever embarrassed our children. But it's been a long time since I even thought that was a possibility. He's always held it together in situations where they might be impacted that way. Since I first made that threat years ago, our circumstances have changed. He convinced me to move across the country for his job when his company asked him to transfer (his salary is about 5x's what mine is). So I quit my job of 14 years to do what I felt was best for our family and became a stay at home mom. We're back now, after over 4 years, due to the contract he was working on being over. I've chosen to remain a stay at home mom in part because after being out of a fast-paced field for this long, there's no way I can just jump back in. Decent paying jobs are hard to come by anyway, let alone with your skill set is outdated. But I just can't pretend this didn't happen. Or that it won't happen again. I also know that he won't ever stop drinking and I now know that he cannot control it in a way that is acceptable or makes our lives maintainable. I simply cannot imagine my daughters enduring the same misery as I did growing up and it's obvious I can no longer shield them from it. But there's also no way that given our debt, I can leave and make it as a single mom on what I'm sure will be a lower-wage job. At minimum I would need $15-$16 an hour to cover rent, utilities, etc. Jobs in my area that I would qualify for pay around $11-$12. That puts me way short. I could hang on a bit longer while I sharpen my skills. I could get a job while still staying in the marriage and work towards becoming financially independent, but I know he'd become suspicious as to why when he knows I love being home. If he found out I was planning on leaving, I have no doubt he'd leave immediately rather than support me in my goal to wait until I'm in a financially stable place. He's a good man in general but he can also be vindictive when he's hurt. Kind of like an injured animal - he'll lash out instinctively.
I'm just not sure what to do. Add in the fact that my family and friends have no clue anything is wrong and I feel like I've got no support system in place at all. My mom knows he has a problem, but not the extent, and she and my dad are still married despite his continued alcoholism. There's no way I could feel comfortable living there with them, though I know I could if I needed to. I've accepted my dad's drinking. I know he loves me and much like my husband, he's a good man. He was never abusive or hateful. Still, I can't stand to be near him when he's drinking. Every popped tab, every sound of him crushing a can, takes me right back to the anger and resentment I felt as a kid. It does no good to pull my kids out of one alcoholic home and put them into another. Yet, if I want to leave now, they would be my only option. I'm hurt and I'm scared, and I have no idea what my next move should be.
I'd suggest that your first move be a consult with a lawyer. With a long-term marriage, you are most likely entitled to a substantial portion of everything you own, including his retirement plan. The children are entitled to child support, based on your respective incomes. And you are most likely going to be entitled to alimony, as well.
Many lawyers will give you a free initial consult. You can find out what your options might be. In some jurisdictions you can get a legal separation, with support, if you're not ready to divorce just yet. In others, you might have to file for divorce to receive any kind of interim support for YOU, but the kids are entitled to it whether you are separated, divorced, or just living apart.
Knowing your options means you can start to plan. I also recommend Al-Anon for you and Alateen for your kids. It will make it much easier to approach whatever you consider with a clear head so you can make the best choices for you and the kids.
Many lawyers will give you a free initial consult. You can find out what your options might be. In some jurisdictions you can get a legal separation, with support, if you're not ready to divorce just yet. In others, you might have to file for divorce to receive any kind of interim support for YOU, but the kids are entitled to it whether you are separated, divorced, or just living apart.
Knowing your options means you can start to plan. I also recommend Al-Anon for you and Alateen for your kids. It will make it much easier to approach whatever you consider with a clear head so you can make the best choices for you and the kids.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
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So you made a threat and now can't quite back it up due to the circumstances. Is there another way forward for you without sacrificing your living situation and/or your sanity? Until a good alternative comes, make sure you're doing your best to take care of you. Your kids need you now more than ever.
Just one other thing I wanted to mention. In most places the court can order him to pay your legal fees. Something else to ask about when you talk to a lawyer. He or she will know the ins and outs of how to represent you and still get paid.
Hi, Treister.
Nothing has to happen this minute. Sounds like you are just about done in by your spouse's drinking, but aren't quite ready to go yet.
Make a plan. Where do you see yourself in 3 months, 6 months? Then take the steps you need to take to get there.
Consult, as Lexie said, an attorney to find out what your options are.
Ultimatums work only if we plan to follow them through. You can express your unhappiness with his drinking, but I would back off of the ultimatums. He knows you won't follow through, anyway. Not right now.
Al-anon and Alateen are great sources of support and understanding. I would check them out.
You might also see if there are Adult Children of Alcoholics-ACOA meetings around.
Nothing has to happen this minute. Sounds like you are just about done in by your spouse's drinking, but aren't quite ready to go yet.
Make a plan. Where do you see yourself in 3 months, 6 months? Then take the steps you need to take to get there.
Consult, as Lexie said, an attorney to find out what your options are.
Ultimatums work only if we plan to follow them through. You can express your unhappiness with his drinking, but I would back off of the ultimatums. He knows you won't follow through, anyway. Not right now.
Al-anon and Alateen are great sources of support and understanding. I would check them out.
You might also see if there are Adult Children of Alcoholics-ACOA meetings around.
Fist of all, thank you for sharing your story and it just stinks you and your children are having to go thru this. ((((( Hugs.)))))
Would he be willing to move out temporarily and leave you and the kids in the home? I am going thru a similar situation and asked my AH to leave our home. He has moved in with his sister. I did not tell him I was filing for divorce- only that he was no longer allowed to be around us because of his alcohol addiction. This is giving me an opportunity to get things situated and get things in order for the life change about to happen. Because he is living with her- it did not increase our bills and he is not leaving us penniless or homeless. I, too, had given many ultimatums. I told him either he needed to leave or I was packing up the kids and going somewhere. If he is the wonderful man sober that you say he is- he might be willing to leave the home so that his kids are not uprooted from the home they love. If he is unwilling- he might not be the phenomenal man you think he is.
I do know that those on here are very supportive and it has been so comforting knowing I am not alone in this situation.
Would he be willing to move out temporarily and leave you and the kids in the home? I am going thru a similar situation and asked my AH to leave our home. He has moved in with his sister. I did not tell him I was filing for divorce- only that he was no longer allowed to be around us because of his alcohol addiction. This is giving me an opportunity to get things situated and get things in order for the life change about to happen. Because he is living with her- it did not increase our bills and he is not leaving us penniless or homeless. I, too, had given many ultimatums. I told him either he needed to leave or I was packing up the kids and going somewhere. If he is the wonderful man sober that you say he is- he might be willing to leave the home so that his kids are not uprooted from the home they love. If he is unwilling- he might not be the phenomenal man you think he is.
I do know that those on here are very supportive and it has been so comforting knowing I am not alone in this situation.
I wanted to add that u might be surprised at how your children might already know that their home life is different from others. In the week that my AH has been gone, I have had some heart to heart with my older girls. They both said they knew our home life was dysfunctional and how they saw how other dads interacted with their families and knew we were not normal. I think me wanting to protect them and not disrupt their lives has only been in my head. They both have said they would get jobs to help support the family. My oldest won't be able to go to the college she wanted. These things break my heart but they keep telling me it is WORTH IT! What I have learned is they need the emotional peace and not the financial peace. If that makes sense? I was so worried they would be upset not living in our home or going on vacations etc would destroy them. But the emotional abuse of living with an alcoholic father has been what is bad. Yes- I am having to be the one to do everything right now bc my AH did help with grocery shopping, shuttling kids to activities and more. So right now I am doing it all. (My kids are 7, 10, 16, 18). I know I stayed or allowed him to stay bc I was afraid I wasn't strong enough or that my kids would be devastated at the lifestyle change that would occur. I'm at the beginning of a very long journey- but I can tell u the peace we have in our home at night not wondering whether the mean AH would be coming in the door. We were always on eggshells. For 8 days we have been at unimaginable peace. One day at a time.
aabb,
Your daughter's college might have to be postponed just a bit, but in some jurisdictions (mine is one of them) divorced parents are generally obligated to continue to support their children (including paying for college), even to the point of graduate school in some cases! I have mixed feelings about that from a public policy standpoint, in that children of NON-divorced parents can't claim the same "right" to ongoing financial support or college education, but it's the law here where I live.
Another reason to talk with a lawyer as soon as you can.
Your daughter's college might have to be postponed just a bit, but in some jurisdictions (mine is one of them) divorced parents are generally obligated to continue to support their children (including paying for college), even to the point of graduate school in some cases! I have mixed feelings about that from a public policy standpoint, in that children of NON-divorced parents can't claim the same "right" to ongoing financial support or college education, but it's the law here where I live.
Another reason to talk with a lawyer as soon as you can.
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I wanted to add that u might be surprised at how your children might already know that their home life is different from others. In the week that my AH has been gone, I have had some heart to heart with my older girls. They both said they knew our home life was dysfunctional and how they saw how other dads interacted with their families and knew we were not normal. I think me wanting to protect them and not disrupt their lives has only been in my head. They both have said they would get jobs to help support the family. My oldest won't be able to go to the college she wanted. These things break my heart but they keep telling me it is WORTH IT! What I have learned is they need the emotional peace and not the financial peace. If that makes sense? I was so worried they would be upset not living in our home or going on vacations etc would destroy them. But the emotional abuse of living with an alcoholic father has been what is bad. Yes- I am having to be the one to do everything right now bc my AH did help with grocery shopping, shuttling kids to activities and more. So right now I am doing it all. (My kids are 7, 10, 16, 18). I know I stayed or allowed him to stay bc I was afraid I wasn't strong enough or that my kids would be devastated at the lifestyle change that would occur. I'm at the beginning of a very long journey- but I can tell u the peace we have in our home at night not wondering whether the mean AH would be coming in the door. We were always on eggshells. For 8 days we have been at unimaginable peace. One day at a time.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Treister,
Sorry for what brings you here. I've been where you are with my own AH and the "straw that broke the camel's back". My three children and I left 3 weeks ago. I'm 45. My kids are 17, 13 and almost 7 (boy, girl, boy). We are living with my parents for the foreseeable future while I return to university to upgrade my education (making it happen with part-time work, gov't grants, tuition breaks, pooling resources with my parents) after being, like you, a SAHM for many years. My parents don't drink, though, but I can appreciate how your Dad's drinking might complicate the situation if you were to move there. I left our home for many reasons but I ensured that I met with a lawyer and took the necessary steps to keep things equal with my AH.
Best wishes to you and your girls. Stay strong. Do what YOU feel is best for them and you. Keep moving forward, even if it's baby steps. Hugs to you.
Sorry for what brings you here. I've been where you are with my own AH and the "straw that broke the camel's back". My three children and I left 3 weeks ago. I'm 45. My kids are 17, 13 and almost 7 (boy, girl, boy). We are living with my parents for the foreseeable future while I return to university to upgrade my education (making it happen with part-time work, gov't grants, tuition breaks, pooling resources with my parents) after being, like you, a SAHM for many years. My parents don't drink, though, but I can appreciate how your Dad's drinking might complicate the situation if you were to move there. I left our home for many reasons but I ensured that I met with a lawyer and took the necessary steps to keep things equal with my AH.
Best wishes to you and your girls. Stay strong. Do what YOU feel is best for them and you. Keep moving forward, even if it's baby steps. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
I've never given him a true ultimatum before, aside from vowing not to allow my kids to go through the embarrassment that I did growing up, which as I said was years ago. Up until now, my kids really were fairly un-impacted by his drinking. They knew he drank, sometimes to excess, but there have never been any missed events, never any dui's, or lost jobs, or waking up to find dad passed out on the couch surrounded by beer cans. He spends quality time with them daily - lots of hugs, lots of laughter and joking around, time spent running errands together just to bond. He's an excellent provider, is very successful in his field, and works hard to ensure that the kids and I have everything we need and most of what we want. In those kinds of things, he's always been very responsible and aside from the excessive drinking, I couldn't ask more from a husband and father. There have been a few times of course that I've had to shuffle the kids off to bed early so they wouldn't see him stumbling around but mostly when they were younger. They've always been early to bed/early to rise kids, even now that they're teenagers, so much of his excessive drinking hasn't been apparent to them since it tends to happen later in the evening. The fact that they seem to be happy and well-adjusted was one of the reasons I've stuck it out, despite my own anger with the slurring words, bloodshot eyes, and general 'drunkiness' that I've come to resent when he drinks to excess. I love him, but I love my kids more, and for a long time, I thought that as long as they were happy, we could make it, maybe even satisfied and mostly happy within our marriage. A few months ago, we did get into a huge argument in which I let him know that I couldn't - and wouldn't - tolerate the excessive drinking forever. I didn't set any hard and fast expectations, just that I was growing weary of it all. At that time was when he drastically reduced his drinking. To be honest, I'm really proud of him for that. He showed that we were important enough to him to get somewhat of a handle on things.
He called yesterday afternoon to check in from work. He knew I was upset about his drinking the night before, but we hadn't discussed it. I honestly had no plans of talking to him about it, but when I heard his voice, all of the pain and anger I'd spent the morning trying to deal with came flooding back and I lost it. Before I knew it, everything came pouring out and I told him that he had a decision to make because I was done. I stated it in such a way that it did give him options. He could either reduce his drinking to the point of being a true social drinker, quit drinking completely, or continue his drinking as he is currently, in which case I would begin working on getting out. I reiterated that I love him dearly but that I wouldn't tolerate our children being embarrassed by him. He was manipulative in his response 'So basically, I can either have my family or have fun once in a while, but I can't have both?' to which I responded that if having fun meant drinking to excess, then yes, those were his options. He came back, with an irritated 'Well, there's really no choice then. I don't want to lose my family'. I again told him that if he could reduce his drinking to socially acceptable levels, I would be fine with that, but if he couldn't then, yes - it was complete abstinence or us. He brought up several times the fact that he has already drastically reduced his drinking and tried to use that to manipulate me into feeling guilty about asking more from him. It sort of worked, unfortunately. I do credit him with making a big change, and I am proud of him and I do feel a bit guilty in that 98% of the time, he's about as perfect as a human being can get. But ultimately it comes down to my kids. I can live with the drinking so long as they aren't impacted.
It was pretty awkward between us last night. A quick peck when he got home, then virtually no interaction between us at all the rest of the night. Same thing this morning.
I know he's feeling resentful and I'm not sure how that's going to play out over the next few days and weeks. I'm not sure how to talk to him right now, nor am I sure I should try to.
Right now I'm wavering in my resolve. When I look clearly at who he is and the kind of husband and father he is, I can't help but feel guilty that I'm so angry. Things could be so much worse - he could be inattentive, or abusive, or drinking to the point of losing his job, or drinking and driving (which he never does). He could ignore us, he could lie around drunk for days at a time, he could be missing important events with the kids or showing up drunk to them. He could be drinking to the point of putting us into financial ruin. He doesn't do any of that. So am I being too hard on him? Is this really my issue stemming from my own childhood? I'm just so very confused...
I've never given him a true ultimatum before, aside from vowing not to allow my kids to go through the embarrassment that I did growing up, which as I said was years ago. Up until now, my kids really were fairly un-impacted by his drinking. They knew he drank, sometimes to excess, but there have never been any missed events, never any dui's, or lost jobs, or waking up to find dad passed out on the couch surrounded by beer cans. He spends quality time with them daily - lots of hugs, lots of laughter and joking around, time spent running errands together just to bond. He's an excellent provider, is very successful in his field, and works hard to ensure that the kids and I have everything we need and most of what we want. In those kinds of things, he's always been very responsible and aside from the excessive drinking, I couldn't ask more from a husband and father. There have been a few times of course that I've had to shuffle the kids off to bed early so they wouldn't see him stumbling around but mostly when they were younger. They've always been early to bed/early to rise kids, even now that they're teenagers, so much of his excessive drinking hasn't been apparent to them since it tends to happen later in the evening. The fact that they seem to be happy and well-adjusted was one of the reasons I've stuck it out, despite my own anger with the slurring words, bloodshot eyes, and general 'drunkiness' that I've come to resent when he drinks to excess. I love him, but I love my kids more, and for a long time, I thought that as long as they were happy, we could make it, maybe even satisfied and mostly happy within our marriage. A few months ago, we did get into a huge argument in which I let him know that I couldn't - and wouldn't - tolerate the excessive drinking forever. I didn't set any hard and fast expectations, just that I was growing weary of it all. At that time was when he drastically reduced his drinking. To be honest, I'm really proud of him for that. He showed that we were important enough to him to get somewhat of a handle on things.
He called yesterday afternoon to check in from work. He knew I was upset about his drinking the night before, but we hadn't discussed it. I honestly had no plans of talking to him about it, but when I heard his voice, all of the pain and anger I'd spent the morning trying to deal with came flooding back and I lost it. Before I knew it, everything came pouring out and I told him that he had a decision to make because I was done. I stated it in such a way that it did give him options. He could either reduce his drinking to the point of being a true social drinker, quit drinking completely, or continue his drinking as he is currently, in which case I would begin working on getting out. I reiterated that I love him dearly but that I wouldn't tolerate our children being embarrassed by him. He was manipulative in his response 'So basically, I can either have my family or have fun once in a while, but I can't have both?' to which I responded that if having fun meant drinking to excess, then yes, those were his options. He came back, with an irritated 'Well, there's really no choice then. I don't want to lose my family'. I again told him that if he could reduce his drinking to socially acceptable levels, I would be fine with that, but if he couldn't then, yes - it was complete abstinence or us. He brought up several times the fact that he has already drastically reduced his drinking and tried to use that to manipulate me into feeling guilty about asking more from him. It sort of worked, unfortunately. I do credit him with making a big change, and I am proud of him and I do feel a bit guilty in that 98% of the time, he's about as perfect as a human being can get. But ultimately it comes down to my kids. I can live with the drinking so long as they aren't impacted.
It was pretty awkward between us last night. A quick peck when he got home, then virtually no interaction between us at all the rest of the night. Same thing this morning.
I know he's feeling resentful and I'm not sure how that's going to play out over the next few days and weeks. I'm not sure how to talk to him right now, nor am I sure I should try to.
Right now I'm wavering in my resolve. When I look clearly at who he is and the kind of husband and father he is, I can't help but feel guilty that I'm so angry. Things could be so much worse - he could be inattentive, or abusive, or drinking to the point of losing his job, or drinking and driving (which he never does). He could ignore us, he could lie around drunk for days at a time, he could be missing important events with the kids or showing up drunk to them. He could be drinking to the point of putting us into financial ruin. He doesn't do any of that. So am I being too hard on him? Is this really my issue stemming from my own childhood? I'm just so very confused...
Whether he's able to reduce it to "social levels" depends on what kind of heavy drinker he is. There are some who can do that. If he's crossed the line into alcoholism, though, it isn't going to work.
What makes me suspect maybe he HAS crossed that line is the fact that he tried to "control" it, succeeded for a few months, and then this "never" event happened. When I got sober, I was still able to keep a lid on it when I HAD to. For discrete periods of time. But not reliably, and not over the long term. Over the course of a few years my drinking crossed that line. I spent four years seriously trying to "control" it. When I had one of my personal "nevers" happen, I finally gave up and decided to quit for good.
All I'm saying is apparently he's tried that route and failed once already. I'm not suggesting you have to leave immediately. But I'd avoid drawing any lines in the sand unless you are fully prepared to follow through if they are crossed.
What makes me suspect maybe he HAS crossed that line is the fact that he tried to "control" it, succeeded for a few months, and then this "never" event happened. When I got sober, I was still able to keep a lid on it when I HAD to. For discrete periods of time. But not reliably, and not over the long term. Over the course of a few years my drinking crossed that line. I spent four years seriously trying to "control" it. When I had one of my personal "nevers" happen, I finally gave up and decided to quit for good.
All I'm saying is apparently he's tried that route and failed once already. I'm not suggesting you have to leave immediately. But I'd avoid drawing any lines in the sand unless you are fully prepared to follow through if they are crossed.
Yes, things could be worse. Basically, though, he's mad because you are pushing back against the drinking. People who have problems with alcohol don't care for that much.
One of the insidious things about alcohol dependency is the normalization of the behavior.
My alcoholic sib and my mother think it's normal for him to be slurring his words at 11 am.
It isn't.
And it isn't normal for you to hustle the kids off to bed when they were younger so they don't experience drunk dad.
Most people don't live like that.
To be clear, if his drinking is a problem for you, it's a problem.
And it sounds like it's a problem for you.
One more thing. Addiction thrives in secrecy. When we deflect, excuse, make exceptions for, we give the addiction power. We make it okay when it isn't.
One more other thing. Alcohol dependency is progressive. As we grow older, it usually takes more alcohol to get to that exhale moment. We don't rebound from overdrinking as fast. We fall. We get stupider faster.
I am a child of an alcoholic. I have struggled with alcohol myself, now non-drinking. I have an alcohol dependent sib who is a hot mess.
I know how this goes. Peace.
One of the insidious things about alcohol dependency is the normalization of the behavior.
My alcoholic sib and my mother think it's normal for him to be slurring his words at 11 am.
It isn't.
And it isn't normal for you to hustle the kids off to bed when they were younger so they don't experience drunk dad.
Most people don't live like that.
To be clear, if his drinking is a problem for you, it's a problem.
And it sounds like it's a problem for you.
One more thing. Addiction thrives in secrecy. When we deflect, excuse, make exceptions for, we give the addiction power. We make it okay when it isn't.
One more other thing. Alcohol dependency is progressive. As we grow older, it usually takes more alcohol to get to that exhale moment. We don't rebound from overdrinking as fast. We fall. We get stupider faster.
I am a child of an alcoholic. I have struggled with alcohol myself, now non-drinking. I have an alcohol dependent sib who is a hot mess.
I know how this goes. Peace.
musiclady- hugs to you and happy you and your children are finding new peace.
lexiecat- thank you for the info. that is great advice I'm still getting all of my ducks in a row and have not contacted a lawyer yet.
maudecat- your post is spot on!!
treister- I tried the social drinking plea, the only on vacation or special occasions. I learned he was buying and drinking in secret. He always had "projects" he was working on out in the barn or at someone's house. Truth was he was drinking and hiding it from us. Coming in many times after we would already be asleep. Or always chewing gum if he came in earlier. My husband is a hard worker, never lost a job- exceeds actually and is given bonuses for exceptional work ethic. Been at the same job for 26 yrs. Many looking from the outside would say he is an amazing and supportive husband and father. I have allowed them to think this bc I have kept his alcohol problem a secret. I can only encourage you to keep posting in here and read the stories and post of others. This site is giving me daily strength to keep going and move forward away from AH and his alcohol addiction. I found out my AH visited the younger children at school during lunch yesterday. When they got in the car after school- they asked if he was coming home and I said no. They both were relieved and said "Oh GOOD!" They miss him terribly, but they have such peace at home right now. I choose them. I won't be fooled by the false promises. I am realizing I am stronger than I ever thought. You are stronger than you think. Sending you positive thoughts today!
lexiecat- thank you for the info. that is great advice I'm still getting all of my ducks in a row and have not contacted a lawyer yet.
maudecat- your post is spot on!!
treister- I tried the social drinking plea, the only on vacation or special occasions. I learned he was buying and drinking in secret. He always had "projects" he was working on out in the barn or at someone's house. Truth was he was drinking and hiding it from us. Coming in many times after we would already be asleep. Or always chewing gum if he came in earlier. My husband is a hard worker, never lost a job- exceeds actually and is given bonuses for exceptional work ethic. Been at the same job for 26 yrs. Many looking from the outside would say he is an amazing and supportive husband and father. I have allowed them to think this bc I have kept his alcohol problem a secret. I can only encourage you to keep posting in here and read the stories and post of others. This site is giving me daily strength to keep going and move forward away from AH and his alcohol addiction. I found out my AH visited the younger children at school during lunch yesterday. When they got in the car after school- they asked if he was coming home and I said no. They both were relieved and said "Oh GOOD!" They miss him terribly, but they have such peace at home right now. I choose them. I won't be fooled by the false promises. I am realizing I am stronger than I ever thought. You are stronger than you think. Sending you positive thoughts today!
Triester....he doesn't get it. Why would I say that? For one thing.....he sees the drunken behavior of having your daughter mortified, in front of her friend...as "having some fun, sometimes".....
You have shared many things that point to an alcoholic who is struggling to keep back a disease that is getting worse...and, not being able to do so...
He has a lot of denial (as do you)....
Drinking a whole case of beer in one day....is not "normal" drinking....
He is feeling resentment that he is being asked to scale the drinking back (which an alcoholic can't do, by the way).....
I would speculate that growing up in an alcoholic home has had an impact on you....as you already know....
I would suggest that you think about going to ACOA meetings, for your own self. There are books on amazon.com relating to this subject (I have looked them up). You can get them very inexpensively....
I can see that the both of you don't know a lot about alcoholism....how it works, how it affects the individual and all their loved ones, and the natural course of the disease....
***Just l iving with the misery of the disease doesn't really teach you very much about the nature of the beast....
Please, please, go to the stickies at the top of the main page...and read the articles in "Classic Reading"......it is a virtual bootcamp of learning about alcoholism and co-dependency.....
Just keep reading and keep learning....
Knowledge is power.....
You have shared many things that point to an alcoholic who is struggling to keep back a disease that is getting worse...and, not being able to do so...
He has a lot of denial (as do you)....
Drinking a whole case of beer in one day....is not "normal" drinking....
He is feeling resentment that he is being asked to scale the drinking back (which an alcoholic can't do, by the way).....
I would speculate that growing up in an alcoholic home has had an impact on you....as you already know....
I would suggest that you think about going to ACOA meetings, for your own self. There are books on amazon.com relating to this subject (I have looked them up). You can get them very inexpensively....
I can see that the both of you don't know a lot about alcoholism....how it works, how it affects the individual and all their loved ones, and the natural course of the disease....
***Just l iving with the misery of the disease doesn't really teach you very much about the nature of the beast....
Please, please, go to the stickies at the top of the main page...and read the articles in "Classic Reading"......it is a virtual bootcamp of learning about alcoholism and co-dependency.....
Just keep reading and keep learning....
Knowledge is power.....
Ok, so you have stated what you need. He is being resentful. He will get over that.
That being said, he may also test your resolve. I would start building a nest egg for myself right now so if you need access to funds, you have them. So many women and children stay in situations that become toxic b/c they just don't have the access to the funds they need.
Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Hugs.
That being said, he may also test your resolve. I would start building a nest egg for myself right now so if you need access to funds, you have them. So many women and children stay in situations that become toxic b/c they just don't have the access to the funds they need.
Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 3
Update
Thought I would pop in and give an update. And it's a pretty good one. After a couple of days of tension between us, we were able to have a really long talk and I think we're on the same page. He agreed that his drinking had an unwanted impact on our daughter and said he felt a lot of guilt and remorse over it. He understands that I'm serious and has made a commitment to limit his drinking to the occasional beer with the guys, and most importantly, not to over-indulge. I'm at peace with this for the moment. I've never know the man to fail at anything he truly sets his mind to and I can see how deeply important keeping our family intact is to him. He hasn't drank at all in nearly 2 weeks and we've reconnected at a deeper level than we've been at for a while.
Having said that, he has asked me if he can have a few beers with his buddies at a cookout we're going to this weekend. He plans on taking 4 beers with him along with some bottles of water and said he will limit it to those 4 only, drinking water in between. I'm nervous about it, but since I did give him the option to try to become a social drinker only, I suppose I need to give him the opportunity to prove that he can do it.
So far, I'm feeling pretty confident in his ability to control himself in this situation. As I said, I've never known him to fail at something truly important. I think finally giving him an ultimatum made him understand that a decision had to be made. We shall see I suppose. If he can control himself this weekend then I'm prepared to let him continue having a few beers on occasion while keeping an eye out for it to start escalating. If it begins escalating then it will come down to complete abstinence or us, his choice.
Having said that, he has asked me if he can have a few beers with his buddies at a cookout we're going to this weekend. He plans on taking 4 beers with him along with some bottles of water and said he will limit it to those 4 only, drinking water in between. I'm nervous about it, but since I did give him the option to try to become a social drinker only, I suppose I need to give him the opportunity to prove that he can do it.
So far, I'm feeling pretty confident in his ability to control himself in this situation. As I said, I've never known him to fail at something truly important. I think finally giving him an ultimatum made him understand that a decision had to be made. We shall see I suppose. If he can control himself this weekend then I'm prepared to let him continue having a few beers on occasion while keeping an eye out for it to start escalating. If it begins escalating then it will come down to complete abstinence or us, his choice.
You shouldn't be the "booze police." He shouldn't be asking your "permission" to drink. If I were you, I'd simply tell him that his drinking is his business, but if it affects you and your child, you will do what you need to do to protect yourselves.
Ugh. I remember those little bargains I used to make with my ex. Trying to help him be a normal drinker when he was anything but. Knowing what I know now, I would take a pass on the cookout. Of course my ex's "water bottles" would have contained some measure of vodka and he would get reeling drunk and look at me and say, "Wass ur problem. I only had 4 beers."
Overall I would have focused less on him and his drinking and more on the kids and myself. My 7 year old son was just diagnosed with PTSD this week, which was a direct result of me keeping him in an alcoholic and abusive home for the first 4 years of his life, wasting my time counting drinks and searching for booze and trying to plead, argue and manipulate my ex into "controlling" his drinking instead of protecting my son.
Now that I know better I can do better, but it's hard to live with that knowledge.
Overall I would have focused less on him and his drinking and more on the kids and myself. My 7 year old son was just diagnosed with PTSD this week, which was a direct result of me keeping him in an alcoholic and abusive home for the first 4 years of his life, wasting my time counting drinks and searching for booze and trying to plead, argue and manipulate my ex into "controlling" his drinking instead of protecting my son.
Now that I know better I can do better, but it's hard to live with that knowledge.
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