AnvilheadII

dandy, think you replied to another thread????

dandylion

Thanks, Anvil.....for having my back! thankfully, I was able to still correct it...

OT4Kids

Yes dandylion, i think you are right. I am seeing my therapist on Monday. He doesn't work Fridays. And not at night when I usually have my panic attacks

AnvilheadII

OT, what happened the last time he went awol? or the time before? remember when you contacted 3 different police agencies in two states, or something like that? and when they found him.....

HE WAS FINE.

this panic and desire to "go looking" isn't about him....it's about YOU. what can you do right now to get back to your center? to quit worrying about someone who doesn't give a damn?

OT4Kids

Yes anvilhead it is about me feeling like I can't live without him.

I tried to focus on work when I was at work and to feel better by meeting a friend for coffee and then by picking my kids up and spending some time with them.

Now I am just panicked and upset.

I really want to believe he has changed when he comes back and promises things

AnvilheadII

but he hasn't, hon. and he won't.

EVER. he is who he is. this is what he does. it will never change.

remember the saying: when people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM?

he has shown you REPEATEDLY now. every couple of weeks. this is it.

perhaps it's time to focus on where the real change can happen.....WITH YOU. you may be using him to avoid doing your own work. time to stop that now. time to let this go and get on with the work at hand.

Ariesagain

He hasn't changed. He never will. The only person who is going to be able to change here is you.

Please take the time to go back and read through your two threads detailing the history of this mess. The pattern is sooo obvious...he disappears, you turn into this desperate needy mess, then as the days go by the real you starts to emerge...confident, capable, smart. Then he comes back (and I agree he has at least one other and possibly more women out there, it's probably why he does go to an AA meeting now and again...13th step anyone?)...repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

He will never change. Ever. Will you?

P.S. Anvil and I did not compare answers before posting!

dandylion

OT4......when you see your counselor on Monday....consider pressing him to refer you to a specialist (psychologist) who can do specific work with you on how to manage the panic. when it does occur.
There are specialists who do just that...they are very experienced in techniques that dea with this kind of state...things like guided imagry, desentisization, various mind/body techniques. etc. They work with people who have extreme anxiety, severe abandonment issues, trauma survivors, PTSD victims.
Not throwing shade on your counselor, but, there are times that a specialist is needed...just like in physical illness.
You could see your regular counselor for routine support, of course.
I think it is a shame that there is help out there and you are not getting it....

There are also practical things....You know that he pulls this when your kids are with the father for their weekend...you would probably benefit from having someone stay with you on those nights...when the kids are away and your tormenter flies the coup.

SparkleKitty

OT, you ARE dealing with this. You HAVE dealt with it. Over and over. This is what dealing looks like. Understanding that there will be temporary discomfort in exchange for long-term healing and recovery.

OT4Kids

Got a call from police. They found my car in city again. Gotta drive far to get it and have it towed back home again. Late and pouring rain and I am upset. Heaven help me

Bekindalways

Glad you are still posting OT. I second everyone in encouraging you to look into yourself for the source of this panic.

Unfortunately this won't make you feel instantly better. Actually you won't feel better for some time . . . this sucks but it is the truth. Perhaps its a bit like an alcoholic going through withdrawals and the first year of sobriety. Not fun. And beyond worth it.

I kept breaking up with my qualifier and then when I realized how much it hurt I would go back. When I finally made it stick is when I accepted that it was going to hurt like all holy hell for a lot longer than I wanted.

Hugs to you. You are not alone. Keep posting.

Bekindalways

I posted at the same time you did.

Sorry to hear this but not that surprising. You really are in the wash, rinse and repeat thing. So hope you will be able to break away some day.

Hang tough lady.

Ariesagain

At the the barest of bare minimums, hide or sell or somehow get rid of that car. Then at the very least when he has his next bender two and a half weeks from now, you will at least not have to go deal with whatever he'll do with it next time.

I note this weekend is Mother's Day. He does love to ruin your holidays, doesn't he....

OT4Kids

Now I am in DC waiting an hour for a tow truck trying to make myself not look for him. It's a toss up between nearby homeless shelter, hotel, or bar, or maybe he is nowhere near here. There is a $30 ticket on the car so now it has been about $1,000 in towing and or expired meter tickets that he has gotten since February

OT4Kids

I am tired and sad and not feeling safe. And will still have to drive a long way home after tow truck gets here

OT4Kids

Instead of being mad I am sad. Yeah, he was gone for my surgery, my birthday, Valentine's day, now mothers day

OT4Kids

And it is gonna take the tow truck 45 more minutes

Ariesagain

So...you're sick, you're scared, you're exhausted and you're in a sketchy area and have a long dark drive home in the rain, all because of his supreme selfishness...when is enough enough with this putz?

Sendng you a hug.

OT4Kids

I left my house 2 hours ago. Still waiting for tow truck and it is getting more and more scary here the later it gets.

Ariesagain

How bad do you need that car? If all it is is his way to run off, leave the damned thing and let them impound it.