Failing Myself
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Failing Myself
Hey y'all, it's been a minute since I've updated on here, which is one of my many issues that I have been failing to work on.
I had been going to al-anon 3 times a week every week for a couple of months but failed to actually dedicate time to work on my recovery or work the steps. A little soul searching told me I was just going to the meetings to feel like I wasn't alone, like there were people who understood me and my situation. I didn't realize it (and I was fully convinced that I was "working" the steps) until we started discussing appropriate literature for al-anon and fair distribution of time in the meetings, not taking away time from other members. I got really down on myself for oversharing and stopped going. I've struggled with his alcoholism for so long and I finally just let myself detach and not give a crap about his drinking. While I wasn't "serene", I was functioning at a level just above misery which is apparently good enough for me.
Then Wednesday happened. He was drinking and wanted to discuss a very controversial topic on women's health (which I'm sure you can guess but I am not going into with anyone here). His opinion used to match mine but he is suddenly extremely conservative and wanted to battle it out. I said "no thank you, I'm not going to discuss it". And he threw himself a little pity party of anger and hate and didn't talk to me for 48 hours other than to tell me what a horrible effing person I am
.
By Friday I had worked up the courage and the strength to leave. I got my finances in order while at work, arranged to purchase a fifth wheel and a truck, got a loan approved at the bank and took my grumpy butt home to deliver the news along with a freshly drafted complaint for divorce. Before I could open my mouth to tell him that I wanted a divorce, he issued a terribly genuine apology. And, of course, I fell for it. We had a long discussion about how you treat the people you love. His excuse? Not the alcohol, but that I "should know by now that this is what happens" when he's angry. He apparently doesn't understand that emotional and verbal abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse.
I asked him if he punched me in the face every time he got pissed, would he expect me to stay? Of course the answer was no.
But still I stay.
I had been going to al-anon 3 times a week every week for a couple of months but failed to actually dedicate time to work on my recovery or work the steps. A little soul searching told me I was just going to the meetings to feel like I wasn't alone, like there were people who understood me and my situation. I didn't realize it (and I was fully convinced that I was "working" the steps) until we started discussing appropriate literature for al-anon and fair distribution of time in the meetings, not taking away time from other members. I got really down on myself for oversharing and stopped going. I've struggled with his alcoholism for so long and I finally just let myself detach and not give a crap about his drinking. While I wasn't "serene", I was functioning at a level just above misery which is apparently good enough for me.
Then Wednesday happened. He was drinking and wanted to discuss a very controversial topic on women's health (which I'm sure you can guess but I am not going into with anyone here). His opinion used to match mine but he is suddenly extremely conservative and wanted to battle it out. I said "no thank you, I'm not going to discuss it". And he threw himself a little pity party of anger and hate and didn't talk to me for 48 hours other than to tell me what a horrible effing person I am
. By Friday I had worked up the courage and the strength to leave. I got my finances in order while at work, arranged to purchase a fifth wheel and a truck, got a loan approved at the bank and took my grumpy butt home to deliver the news along with a freshly drafted complaint for divorce. Before I could open my mouth to tell him that I wanted a divorce, he issued a terribly genuine apology. And, of course, I fell for it. We had a long discussion about how you treat the people you love. His excuse? Not the alcohol, but that I "should know by now that this is what happens" when he's angry. He apparently doesn't understand that emotional and verbal abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse.
I asked him if he punched me in the face every time he got pissed, would he expect me to stay? Of course the answer was no.
But still I stay.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
How long is the complaint good for?
Because if he's not seeing the causal link between his drinking and his aggressiveness, it's likely to happen again and soon.
Be safe.
Because if he's not seeing the causal link between his drinking and his aggressiveness, it's likely to happen again and soon.
Be safe.
I'm obsessed with leaving him when he's being mean and hurtful, because I guess it makes me feel more at peace with the decision. My sister texted me yesterday and told me that the damage has been done, why wait for it to happen again? Of course, I don't listen to her, or anyone apparently. I'm trying to do an inventory of myself and fix the things that are wrong, but the more I delve into my own issues, the more disappointed I am with myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I looked up the link to this thread for you...it might help?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ha-moment.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ha-moment.html
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I looked up the link to this thread for you...it might help?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ha-moment.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ha-moment.html
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Saveyourheart......From what you shared...to my ears (from an objective distance)....his apology did nit sound "terribly genuine".....
Why would I say that? Because, from his words....he has not taken responsibility for his actions...he is still blaming it on you....."You should know by now that this is what happens"......In other words, he expects you to accept it, because you know very well that he is verbally abusive when he gets angry.
He feels entitled.....(which is a red flag of abuse).....to whatever he does when he is angry....
He is diminishing you and your feelings....he still was, even as the silver words slipped from his lips....
I think that you know that he will do it again. If he doesn't get it now...he sure won't when he gets his drink on, again......
Sometimes, anger is a motivator....because it can override the more vulnerable feelings that lie beneath anger....ususally fear or sadness or similar painful emotion. Emotions that are more painful than anger.....
Perhaps, you could as yourself...what are you afraid of.....specifically, that keeps you in this situation.....
*helpful hint..."I don't know" is not a useful answer...because, we always know...deep down....)
Why would I say that? Because, from his words....he has not taken responsibility for his actions...he is still blaming it on you....."You should know by now that this is what happens"......In other words, he expects you to accept it, because you know very well that he is verbally abusive when he gets angry.
He feels entitled.....(which is a red flag of abuse).....to whatever he does when he is angry....
He is diminishing you and your feelings....he still was, even as the silver words slipped from his lips....
I think that you know that he will do it again. If he doesn't get it now...he sure won't when he gets his drink on, again......
Sometimes, anger is a motivator....because it can override the more vulnerable feelings that lie beneath anger....ususally fear or sadness or similar painful emotion. Emotions that are more painful than anger.....
Perhaps, you could as yourself...what are you afraid of.....specifically, that keeps you in this situation.....
*helpful hint..."I don't know" is not a useful answer...because, we always know...deep down....)
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Saveyourheart......From what you shared...to my ears (from an objective distance)....his apology did nit sound "terribly genuine".....
Why would I say that? Because, from his words....he has not taken responsibility for his actions...he is still blaming it on you....."You should know by now that this is what happens"......In other words, he expects you to accept it, because you know very well that he is verbally abusive when he gets angry.
He feels entitled.....(which is a red flag of abuse).....to whatever he does when he is angry....
He is diminishing you and your feelings....he still was, even as the silver words slipped from his lips....
I think that you know that he will do it again. If he doesn't get it now...he sure won't when he gets his drink on, again......
Sometimes, anger is a motivator....because it can override the more vulnerable feelings that lie beneath anger....ususally fear or sadness or similar painful emotion. Emotions that are more painful than anger.....
Perhaps, you could as yourself...what are you afraid of.....specifically, that keeps you in this situation.....
*helpful hint..."I don't know" is not a useful answer...because, we always know...deep down....)
Why would I say that? Because, from his words....he has not taken responsibility for his actions...he is still blaming it on you....."You should know by now that this is what happens"......In other words, he expects you to accept it, because you know very well that he is verbally abusive when he gets angry.
He feels entitled.....(which is a red flag of abuse).....to whatever he does when he is angry....
He is diminishing you and your feelings....he still was, even as the silver words slipped from his lips....
I think that you know that he will do it again. If he doesn't get it now...he sure won't when he gets his drink on, again......
Sometimes, anger is a motivator....because it can override the more vulnerable feelings that lie beneath anger....ususally fear or sadness or similar painful emotion. Emotions that are more painful than anger.....
Perhaps, you could as yourself...what are you afraid of.....specifically, that keeps you in this situation.....
*helpful hint..."I don't know" is not a useful answer...because, we always know...deep down....)
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
he issued a terribly genuine apology
how do you KNOW is was GENUINE? or have you become "hungry" for the "oh baby i'm so sorry" part of the cycle? that happens.....
how do you KNOW is was GENUINE? or have you become "hungry" for the "oh baby i'm so sorry" part of the cycle? that happens.....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
have you considered he just may be constitutionally incapable of loving another properly? i don't believe that "love" can be taught, like another language - nor empathy. either we have it or we don't.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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That I hope he'll wake up and be the person I married.
ummm, from what you've shared this IS the guy you married. didn't he two months IN to the marriage, accuse you of cheating? and then you found HE had been on various "someone who isn't my partner" sites???
you need to parcel out who he IS versus who you thought he WAS and who you HOPE he can become. cuz THIS is what you are working with. a verbal abusive alcoholic.
ummm, from what you've shared this IS the guy you married. didn't he two months IN to the marriage, accuse you of cheating? and then you found HE had been on various "someone who isn't my partner" sites???
you need to parcel out who he IS versus who you thought he WAS and who you HOPE he can become. cuz THIS is what you are working with. a verbal abusive alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think my biggest reason is that he doesn't have anyone else, that I don't want him to be alone in that big house paying bills by himself. That I hope he'll wake up and be the person I married. That I'll wake up and this would have all been a nightmare. I fear that I've wasted five years of my life on someone who will never love me as much as I love him. That if I leave I'll be unlovable and broken forever. Fear of being alone forever. I carry a lot of fear and a lot of worry and often I put everyone else before myself because I'm a "fixer" I like fixing things. And all that fixing has left me shattered.
You have a pretty great grip on why you've stayed. It took me so long to pinpoint my fears...and still can't articulate them like this.
All of these are very normal fears for people like us...and dare I say that they are completely irrational ones.We build all these hurdles in our minds - why we can't just go, like we feel we needs to...no, like we KNOW we need to.
I promise...
He'll figure something out for the bills - he isn't a child (no matter how they act at times) he will get a roommate, move, whatever....he'll do it.
Wouldn't it be great if it were all a bad dream, and if alcoholics could change over night?! It's not and they can't.
Your 5 years is not a waste. Crappy deals like this lead US to much needed change!
You are no where near broken or unlovable. You just picked someone that cannot love you in the right way, because he doesn't even love himself. And maybe you don't love yourself enough either.
Fear of being alone forever - that's cause you don't love yourself enough to know that being alone doesn't matter...because you ARE enough.
I'd say a good portion of us are fixers...and that leads us to think we can fix the people around us, cause if we fix THEM, our lives will be better.
But - that's not how it works. We have to fix US for our lives to be better.
He refuses to seek help and he refuses to change and I refuse to leave. We're both messed up.
For what it's worth....in order to leave, you have to change....and it's friggin hard. That's why they don't change, and its why we don't. Just like them, the pain of keeping on the way it is often has to outgrow the pain of changing. We have a rock bottom too - and you seem closer to yours than he is to his.
Hang in there - keep posting - keep reading - get yourself back to Alanon meetings (try a different one or some online ones if the one you went to wasnt a fit), and individual counseling for you can be a life saver.
(((HUGS))) Living with an active alcoholic is a hell like no other.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think my biggest reason is that he doesn't have anyone else, that I don't want him to be alone in that big house paying bills by himself. That I hope he'll wake up and be the person I married. That I'll wake up and this would have all been a nightmare. I fear that I've wasted five years of my life on someone who will never love me as much as I love him. That if I leave I'll be unlovable and broken forever. Fear of being alone forever. I carry a lot of fear and a lot of worry and often I put everyone else before myself because I'm a "fixer" I like fixing things. And all that fixing has left me shattered.
This may come across as cold, but I really wouldn't worry about him...he'll figure it out. There are certain things you cannot fix without it being a detriment to your own self. Put yourself first. What a concept, huh? You deserve that though... He is drawing you away from your full potential happiness. He's pulling you down. If you feel worried about the wastage of five years, ask yourself: do you wish to waste anymore time at all? If something motivated you to go purchase a fifth wheeler, it must have been pretty darn bad.
This may come across as cold, but I really wouldn't worry about him...he'll figure it out. There are certain things you cannot fix without it being a detriment to your own self. Put yourself first. What a concept, huh? You deserve that though... He is drawing you away from your full potential happiness. He's pulling you down. If you feel worried about the wastage of five years, ask yourself: do you wish to waste anymore time at all? If something motivated you to go purchase a fifth wheeler, it must have been pretty darn bad.
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Al-Anon is a great, supportive fellowship, Save Your Heart. Nothing says you have to work the steps or get a sponsor. I had no idea what people were talking about when I first joined AL-Anon. But I loved the peace of the meeting and kept going back. Eventually I did work the steps, but I never got a sponsor. I still learned a lot from sharing, listening, and, in my case, giving service.
And don't worry too much about oversharing. It sounds like you were coming to recognize that sharing in group is only one small piece of the program. That is great, and fully expected. Don't be scared or feel bad about it. Go back to Al-Anon. Find another meeting if you want to start fresh. But if you go back to your original meeting, I promise you, you will be warmly welcomed back.
There isn't a person in the Al-Anon rooms who hasn't felt what you are feeling. They get it.
And keep coming back to SR. Here when you need us.
And don't worry too much about oversharing. It sounds like you were coming to recognize that sharing in group is only one small piece of the program. That is great, and fully expected. Don't be scared or feel bad about it. Go back to Al-Anon. Find another meeting if you want to start fresh. But if you go back to your original meeting, I promise you, you will be warmly welcomed back.
There isn't a person in the Al-Anon rooms who hasn't felt what you are feeling. They get it.
And keep coming back to SR. Here when you need us.
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