Blindsided and Dumped On and it Hurts
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Alicia.....I would say that for right now, just take a chill pill as far as his parents are concerned. Treat them civilly and respectfully and just be natural.
they are his parents and he should be the one to deal with issues between him and them.
You can't control anyone but yourself.
they are his parents and he should be the one to deal with issues between him and them.
You can't control anyone but yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think that the mother confronted him, and didn't blame you, was a generous gift. Very uncommon.
I also think we are often given "signs" we need to heed . While in the past you have not, or may not have known to, this is one.
That was really not comments from a mom who had only dealt with a few issues with her son (even an adult one). She sounds fearful of her own child.
Keep up the good work Alicia. Hope your pregnancy is going well and you are feeling good.
I also think we are often given "signs" we need to heed . While in the past you have not, or may not have known to, this is one.
That was really not comments from a mom who had only dealt with a few issues with her son (even an adult one). She sounds fearful of her own child.
Keep up the good work Alicia. Hope your pregnancy is going well and you are feeling good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Alicia, on the healthy/unhealthy front-- I felt that I was a pretty healthy person at 18 when I met my XAH. We drank like college students, which I grew out of and he learned to hide. When we first met I knew he had some baggage too, but I didn't see it as my problem.
Fast forward two decades, and I had become incredibly unhealthy. By marrying his "baggage" and promising to stay, I slowly compromised myself over time "for the marriage" or "not to hurt him", and I realized I was placing myself far below both him and the marriage. In short, I BECAME very sick. I think this was mostly because I was taught to make marriage work no matter what. In hindsight, at the first sign of disrespect, I should have walked and lived in my own space--and only returned AFTER he showed a long term sustainable change. He only went further and further down that path of disrespect, and I allowed it.
We say that a healthy person won't accept that behavior after it shows itself--and I can clearly see that now. I've had a few relationships after that divorce, and I haven't hesitated to walk away if I sense dysfunction--or even if it just isn't working for me.
What I'm saying is that, in some way, if we're staying in the game dancing with an addict who treats us questionably, there IS something unhealthy in our own behavior that we need to unravel. In a world full of millions of people that could be a match for us, why do we cling to the one we have? For me, it started as simply as familiarity coupled with a promise I made and a belief it would get better...but it didn't end there...
I take his mother's words as fear that she's seen this before and she hopes he does something different and lasting. Speaking about the elephant might be uncomfortable, but it's the most loving thing someone can do to keep everyone rooted in reality. Because it IS true, even if it hurts and is scary.
Fast forward two decades, and I had become incredibly unhealthy. By marrying his "baggage" and promising to stay, I slowly compromised myself over time "for the marriage" or "not to hurt him", and I realized I was placing myself far below both him and the marriage. In short, I BECAME very sick. I think this was mostly because I was taught to make marriage work no matter what. In hindsight, at the first sign of disrespect, I should have walked and lived in my own space--and only returned AFTER he showed a long term sustainable change. He only went further and further down that path of disrespect, and I allowed it.
We say that a healthy person won't accept that behavior after it shows itself--and I can clearly see that now. I've had a few relationships after that divorce, and I haven't hesitated to walk away if I sense dysfunction--or even if it just isn't working for me.
What I'm saying is that, in some way, if we're staying in the game dancing with an addict who treats us questionably, there IS something unhealthy in our own behavior that we need to unravel. In a world full of millions of people that could be a match for us, why do we cling to the one we have? For me, it started as simply as familiarity coupled with a promise I made and a belief it would get better...but it didn't end there...
I take his mother's words as fear that she's seen this before and she hopes he does something different and lasting. Speaking about the elephant might be uncomfortable, but it's the most loving thing someone can do to keep everyone rooted in reality. Because it IS true, even if it hurts and is scary.
Last edited by Praying; 03-15-2017 at 05:43 AM. Reason: Add
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Thanks for these last posts.
On his mom not "blaming me" Oh she put a lot of blame on me last year because of the whole situation with the rehabs and how I "worked to get him free" as she called it. I was only trying to help him get an attorney and be legally able to transfer to a different rehab because he didn't like that one. He couldn't even use the phone in there . But she said I was enabling him. Now that I think about it, I think when he was in that rehab, she began to accept the idea of surrender. She felt I prevented him from surrendering to that treatment.
And you know I don't know, sometimes when I think about it - I should have stepped aside right then, left him to deal with his own consequences, and spent the entire time focusing on healing myself from the abuse and trauma of it all. But at the same time, I also don't regret it because he left there and ended up in therapy and focused on that, did well, got all the legal issues resolved with no charges, case closed, went right back to work and it helped us financially. So I think now I have to make peace with the judgements I made back then. I did the best I could.
I don't know if his mom has forgiven me. His dad looks to be trying to support him and rebuild their relationship, except hopefully in a healthy way this time. Im not sure how much his wife knows about their interactions. Isnt that weird?
Its true however. It would be impossible for me to know everything that my husband did while growing up,and as a young adult.. the whole family dynamic and things that happened. She has more history than I can ever know, and see's it from her perspective. So even if my husband tells me things it wouldn't match up because of just that.
I feel bad for her. It must be heartbreaking to have no relationship, and to be afraid for his life, to be afraid for his new family. I do think its all a huge elephant in the room. But it wasn't the time or place to try to face the elephant I don't think. It was the first time we had got together in months, and we were happily trying to show positive things we were doing to our house and plans for our future. I know she didn't plan it, but neither of us know where to go from there. My husband said he will talk to his dad about it. I think he did get some emotional backlash from the experience because he wasn't sleeping good for 2 nights and he spent extra time working out at home, and just appeared more anxious. Was better last night so maybe he dealt with it now.
And yes, things are going well with the pregnancy. I am going to get my first ultrasound in a couple weeks. Really excited about that ! I have been reading books, and I get nervous and happy all at once.
I haven't told my parents yet which is my next big thing to do.
On his mom not "blaming me" Oh she put a lot of blame on me last year because of the whole situation with the rehabs and how I "worked to get him free" as she called it. I was only trying to help him get an attorney and be legally able to transfer to a different rehab because he didn't like that one. He couldn't even use the phone in there . But she said I was enabling him. Now that I think about it, I think when he was in that rehab, she began to accept the idea of surrender. She felt I prevented him from surrendering to that treatment.
And you know I don't know, sometimes when I think about it - I should have stepped aside right then, left him to deal with his own consequences, and spent the entire time focusing on healing myself from the abuse and trauma of it all. But at the same time, I also don't regret it because he left there and ended up in therapy and focused on that, did well, got all the legal issues resolved with no charges, case closed, went right back to work and it helped us financially. So I think now I have to make peace with the judgements I made back then. I did the best I could.
I don't know if his mom has forgiven me. His dad looks to be trying to support him and rebuild their relationship, except hopefully in a healthy way this time. Im not sure how much his wife knows about their interactions. Isnt that weird?
Its true however. It would be impossible for me to know everything that my husband did while growing up,and as a young adult.. the whole family dynamic and things that happened. She has more history than I can ever know, and see's it from her perspective. So even if my husband tells me things it wouldn't match up because of just that.
I feel bad for her. It must be heartbreaking to have no relationship, and to be afraid for his life, to be afraid for his new family. I do think its all a huge elephant in the room. But it wasn't the time or place to try to face the elephant I don't think. It was the first time we had got together in months, and we were happily trying to show positive things we were doing to our house and plans for our future. I know she didn't plan it, but neither of us know where to go from there. My husband said he will talk to his dad about it. I think he did get some emotional backlash from the experience because he wasn't sleeping good for 2 nights and he spent extra time working out at home, and just appeared more anxious. Was better last night so maybe he dealt with it now.
And yes, things are going well with the pregnancy. I am going to get my first ultrasound in a couple weeks. Really excited about that ! I have been reading books, and I get nervous and happy all at once.
I haven't told my parents yet which is my next big thing to do.
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