Blindsided and Dumped On and it Hurts
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Blindsided and Dumped On and it Hurts
My Father in Law came by on Saturday for a while and we had a nice visit. He and my husband spent some time out doing guy stuff. He later invited us to lunch on Sunday with Mother in Law. Leary of that but he promised it might lead to healing.
Eating together was fine because we were in a public place but later when we invited them over to see some work finished on the new house and how we were preparing for the babys room.
His mom then went into an emotional appeal for him to stop trying to fix himself and surrender to who he is and accept himself. She cant bare to be around him because she knows its only a matter of time before the glue breaks and he causes chaos again. Then she went on about the baby and how either I would leave and they would never see their grandchild. or we would live a life of dysfunction and ruin their grandchilds life. And then she just had to break open old wounds and ask if the baby was created of love or violence.
I cant believe my husband kept his cool. I was crying by this point. He said hardly nothing to her except that she had to make her own choice about being in his life and that of his family. His dad said barely nothing because I think he thought his wife was not going to do this. But she just broke down. His dad apologized when they left.
Husband is doing ok for now, but thinks his mom hates him.
I have been crying. I am so confused. So much of what she said reflects on me, and makes me feel like she sees me as someone I dont want to be, and someone I dont think I even am. But it hits all my weaknesses and places where Im still confused. I let bad things happen. I didnt stop it because I was weak and stupid. His mom really believes all she is saying about how he needs to surrender. I am thankful I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I had made a list of questions out already in part from things brought up here on a earlier post I made.
I feel sad. Cant stop crying around my husband even when he tried to comfort me. Then I cant help but worry how her words are affecting him on the inside. I shouldnt have to worry he will do something drastic. Thats wrong and unhealthy, but its a possibility. Its on him -not me to deal with his emotions, I already know this. I am barely able to deal with my own emotions, so cant help him anyway.
It was a good weekend up until this part, and I dont think we deserved this.
Eating together was fine because we were in a public place but later when we invited them over to see some work finished on the new house and how we were preparing for the babys room.
His mom then went into an emotional appeal for him to stop trying to fix himself and surrender to who he is and accept himself. She cant bare to be around him because she knows its only a matter of time before the glue breaks and he causes chaos again. Then she went on about the baby and how either I would leave and they would never see their grandchild. or we would live a life of dysfunction and ruin their grandchilds life. And then she just had to break open old wounds and ask if the baby was created of love or violence.
I cant believe my husband kept his cool. I was crying by this point. He said hardly nothing to her except that she had to make her own choice about being in his life and that of his family. His dad said barely nothing because I think he thought his wife was not going to do this. But she just broke down. His dad apologized when they left.
Husband is doing ok for now, but thinks his mom hates him.
I have been crying. I am so confused. So much of what she said reflects on me, and makes me feel like she sees me as someone I dont want to be, and someone I dont think I even am. But it hits all my weaknesses and places where Im still confused. I let bad things happen. I didnt stop it because I was weak and stupid. His mom really believes all she is saying about how he needs to surrender. I am thankful I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I had made a list of questions out already in part from things brought up here on a earlier post I made.
I feel sad. Cant stop crying around my husband even when he tried to comfort me. Then I cant help but worry how her words are affecting him on the inside. I shouldnt have to worry he will do something drastic. Thats wrong and unhealthy, but its a possibility. Its on him -not me to deal with his emotions, I already know this. I am barely able to deal with my own emotions, so cant help him anyway.
It was a good weekend up until this part, and I dont think we deserved this.
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Hi alicia. I'm sorry this was all so upsetting for you.
This is one of the reasons they say that addiction is a family disease. Whether an addict, or the loved one of an addict, no is untouched by the dysfunction, and I know you believe your husband is committed to recovering. But you just can't expect everyone to be able to trust him again without a significant amount of recovery under his belt.
Please be careful. I know you have said that your husband is learning new and better coping mechanisms through therapy -- this will certainly test that.
This is one of the reasons they say that addiction is a family disease. Whether an addict, or the loved one of an addict, no is untouched by the dysfunction, and I know you believe your husband is committed to recovering. But you just can't expect everyone to be able to trust him again without a significant amount of recovery under his belt.
Please be careful. I know you have said that your husband is learning new and better coping mechanisms through therapy -- this will certainly test that.
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"I let bad things happen. I didnt stop it because I was weak and stupid."
Are you blaming yourself for his sexually assaulting you?
Or are you taking responsibility for his drinking/drugging?
His addiction is his. His actions are his. Yes?
You know, she's not wrong. It can be hard to deal with when someone starts pointing out the elephant in the room when you're all tacitly agreeing there's no elephant, nothing to see here. But she's expressing her concerns and emotions and is clearly heartbroken by his actions. That's fair.
It's also rather unusual that she is taking him to task and not blaming you, so good for her.
Hope your therapist can help tomorrow.
Sending you hopes for strength and clarity.
Are you blaming yourself for his sexually assaulting you?
Or are you taking responsibility for his drinking/drugging?
His addiction is his. His actions are his. Yes?
You know, she's not wrong. It can be hard to deal with when someone starts pointing out the elephant in the room when you're all tacitly agreeing there's no elephant, nothing to see here. But she's expressing her concerns and emotions and is clearly heartbroken by his actions. That's fair.
It's also rather unusual that she is taking him to task and not blaming you, so good for her.
Hope your therapist can help tomorrow.
Sending you hopes for strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Alicia,
I am sorry for your sadness this weekend. I agree with Aries, that the elephant, is in the room but we don't talk about it. AH I am sure is disappointed in himself again for how he hurts his mom and watching you sit and cry. A's deal with a lot of guilt in their lives, but some how they always get over it and continue to drink.
Its a good thing that the can of worms has been opened. I am not sure if this will be Mr. Aliciagr, rock bottom, that will get him sober, but you never know. Take a hot bath and put your feet up, relax if you can. Hugs my friend, this to shall pass.
I am sorry for your sadness this weekend. I agree with Aries, that the elephant, is in the room but we don't talk about it. AH I am sure is disappointed in himself again for how he hurts his mom and watching you sit and cry. A's deal with a lot of guilt in their lives, but some how they always get over it and continue to drink.
Its a good thing that the can of worms has been opened. I am not sure if this will be Mr. Aliciagr, rock bottom, that will get him sober, but you never know. Take a hot bath and put your feet up, relax if you can. Hugs my friend, this to shall pass.
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This post is going to be all over the place. Daylight Savings Time has already claimed my brain.
Wow. That's quite an emotional ambush. I can see why you're upset.
That said, I'm not sure your MIL planned that episode. I could imagine that when she saw the baby's room, all her anxieties about her son's behavior came raging to the surface. Unfortunately, she vomited those anxieties all over you.
I'm a little concerned that your husband has jumped into "She hates me"/self-pity phase. Self-pity without introspection isn't going to get him anywhere. During this whole ordeal did he acknowledge his own role in all this? To me, at least, there's a whole world of difference between "I know that I did wrong in the past. I'm sorry. I know you don't believe me, and I all I can do is to prove that things have changed through my behavior and actions. I hope you stick around for that," and "Well it's your choice whether or not you want to be in my life."
In terms of you being weak and stupid, please don't let your mind walk down that avenue. There have been incredibly smart, intelligent women who have unfortunately taken the same journey as you have. That's why DV shelters and services exist - because MULTIPLE people face these issues, not just you.
As they say, more will be revealed.
Wow. That's quite an emotional ambush. I can see why you're upset.
That said, I'm not sure your MIL planned that episode. I could imagine that when she saw the baby's room, all her anxieties about her son's behavior came raging to the surface. Unfortunately, she vomited those anxieties all over you.
I'm a little concerned that your husband has jumped into "She hates me"/self-pity phase. Self-pity without introspection isn't going to get him anywhere. During this whole ordeal did he acknowledge his own role in all this? To me, at least, there's a whole world of difference between "I know that I did wrong in the past. I'm sorry. I know you don't believe me, and I all I can do is to prove that things have changed through my behavior and actions. I hope you stick around for that," and "Well it's your choice whether or not you want to be in my life."
In terms of you being weak and stupid, please don't let your mind walk down that avenue. There have been incredibly smart, intelligent women who have unfortunately taken the same journey as you have. That's why DV shelters and services exist - because MULTIPLE people face these issues, not just you.
As they say, more will be revealed.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
"I let bad things happen. I didnt stop it because I was weak and stupid."
Are you blaming yourself for his sexually assaulting you?
Or are you taking responsibility for his drinking/drugging?
His addiction is his. His actions are his. Yes?
You know, she's not wrong. It can be hard to deal with when someone starts pointing out the elephant in the room when you're all tacitly agreeing there's no elephant, nothing to see here. But she's expressing her concerns and emotions and is clearly heartbroken by his actions. That's fair.
It's also rather unusual that she is taking him to task and not blaming you, so good for her.
Hope your therapist can help tomorrow.
Sending you hopes for strength and clarity.
Are you blaming yourself for his sexually assaulting you?
Or are you taking responsibility for his drinking/drugging?
His addiction is his. His actions are his. Yes?
You know, she's not wrong. It can be hard to deal with when someone starts pointing out the elephant in the room when you're all tacitly agreeing there's no elephant, nothing to see here. But she's expressing her concerns and emotions and is clearly heartbroken by his actions. That's fair.
It's also rather unusual that she is taking him to task and not blaming you, so good for her.
Hope your therapist can help tomorrow.
Sending you hopes for strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by maia1234
Alicia,
I am sorry for your sadness this weekend. I agree with Aries, that the elephant, is in the room but we don't talk about it. AH I am sure is disappointed in himself again for how he hurts his mom and watching you sit and cry. A's deal with a lot of guilt in their lives, but some how they always get over it and continue to drink.
Its a good thing that the can of worms has been opened. I am not sure if this will be Mr. Aliciagr, rock bottom, that will get him sober, but you never know. Take a hot bath and put your feet up, relax if you can. Hugs my friend, this to shall pass.
I am sorry for your sadness this weekend. I agree with Aries, that the elephant, is in the room but we don't talk about it. AH I am sure is disappointed in himself again for how he hurts his mom and watching you sit and cry. A's deal with a lot of guilt in their lives, but some how they always get over it and continue to drink.
Its a good thing that the can of worms has been opened. I am not sure if this will be Mr. Aliciagr, rock bottom, that will get him sober, but you never know. Take a hot bath and put your feet up, relax if you can. Hugs my friend, this to shall pass.
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Posts: 844
You know how people will say, I love you but I dont like your behavior, or I dont agree with your choices, or what your doing. Something like that. Then at least you can feel like as a person Im ok, but my choices were bad. His mom makes him feel like he is a bad human being and she doesnt like him. She makes me feel that way about myself too. Not a bad person in my case, but like Im stupid instead of emphasis on you made bad decisions too. It hurts.
Sorry I forgot to do the quote.
I know and agree she has a right to her feelings and no, I dont think it was planned. I bet she promised her husband she would hold it together and try. It feels hopeless we will ever have a positive relationship.
Thanks for the replies. I read a long post by someone else on another forum and by the time I was done my head was spinning and I felt some distraction from myself and my problems. Oddly calmed me down.
Sorry I forgot to do the quote.
I know and agree she has a right to her feelings and no, I dont think it was planned. I bet she promised her husband she would hold it together and try. It feels hopeless we will ever have a positive relationship.
Thanks for the replies. I read a long post by someone else on another forum and by the time I was done my head was spinning and I felt some distraction from myself and my problems. Oddly calmed me down.
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Alicia,
I was with my addict for 34 years, started dating when I was 15. We grew up together so I saw the family dynamics in axh family. There is no normal relationship when one person in that relationship is an addict. You see that with your husband, your mother in law sees that with her son. It is just not possible. It will never be, until their is long time sobriety, and him working a program, will you ever have a "normal" healthy relationship, like normies.
We all see that here, the type of relationships that we have with our addicts. (Addiction first, everything else second). We know what a sound healthy relationships is, but you don't get to enjoy that when one of you is sick. I feel for the mom, he has probably done horrible stuff to her while drunk as he has done to you. Please try and find compassion for her and what her struggles have been with him. She is beyond concerned that you are safe and the baby you are bringing in to the world will be safe. She is very concerned that you will run and run far away from the grandparents. These are legit concerns that she fears. She is not stupid, as you have concerns also.
We should not judge anyone on how they are dealing with the addict in their life. You don't want anyone judging you, if you stay or leave in your relationship with him. We all try and do the best we are capable of, each day. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way, but we do all try. Hugs my friend, I hope this week will be brighter and your husband stays sober!!
I was with my addict for 34 years, started dating when I was 15. We grew up together so I saw the family dynamics in axh family. There is no normal relationship when one person in that relationship is an addict. You see that with your husband, your mother in law sees that with her son. It is just not possible. It will never be, until their is long time sobriety, and him working a program, will you ever have a "normal" healthy relationship, like normies.
We all see that here, the type of relationships that we have with our addicts. (Addiction first, everything else second). We know what a sound healthy relationships is, but you don't get to enjoy that when one of you is sick. I feel for the mom, he has probably done horrible stuff to her while drunk as he has done to you. Please try and find compassion for her and what her struggles have been with him. She is beyond concerned that you are safe and the baby you are bringing in to the world will be safe. She is very concerned that you will run and run far away from the grandparents. These are legit concerns that she fears. She is not stupid, as you have concerns also.
We should not judge anyone on how they are dealing with the addict in their life. You don't want anyone judging you, if you stay or leave in your relationship with him. We all try and do the best we are capable of, each day. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way, but we do all try. Hugs my friend, I hope this week will be brighter and your husband stays sober!!
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Thank you all
I think I know his history. He hasnt followed the pattern on continuous use, more of a binge type. But I think she counts other behaviors from his chaotic going back to childhood. He also feels scared because of the family dynamics and admits he acted out. And no, there wasnt any addiction in his family growing up.
I am hurt and tired of the drama. I dont wan to deal with it anymore. I guess it will take time, but maybe they should stay apart and he can live and keep focusing on being healthy. Maybe one day she will feel better about it all, or the glue will come apart as she calls it. I just feel done with the interactions. We moved here because of them and I wish we never had done that. What a miscalculation !
I think I know his history. He hasnt followed the pattern on continuous use, more of a binge type. But I think she counts other behaviors from his chaotic going back to childhood. He also feels scared because of the family dynamics and admits he acted out. And no, there wasnt any addiction in his family growing up.
I am hurt and tired of the drama. I dont wan to deal with it anymore. I guess it will take time, but maybe they should stay apart and he can live and keep focusing on being healthy. Maybe one day she will feel better about it all, or the glue will come apart as she calls it. I just feel done with the interactions. We moved here because of them and I wish we never had done that. What a miscalculation !
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Sorry, but your MIL sounds toxic to me. I've read some of your old
posts & understand it is a difficult situation for all involved.
Why say he should stop trying to fix himself? Does she not want him
to be sober, learn from his mistakes, mature, become a better human?
If she can't stand to be around him, then some distance may be in
order here.
As others have said it is wise not to make any big decisions just yet,
like moving back to be near your family. You said that you moved to be
near his parents so his relationship with them might improve.
Although there was no addiction when he was growing up, there could
very well have been other personality disorders. Point is, don't beat
yourself up for moving. We learn from our mistakes, that is part of
life. Mistakes are not bad - whats bad is not learning from them &
instead repeating over & over because we can't admit we've made
a mistake.
I believe the healthy way to for MIL to express concerns would have
been to control her emotions so that she didn't create more drama
and chaos. She created drama & chaos because she's worried about
drama & chaos happening?
posts & understand it is a difficult situation for all involved.
Why say he should stop trying to fix himself? Does she not want him
to be sober, learn from his mistakes, mature, become a better human?
If she can't stand to be around him, then some distance may be in
order here.
As others have said it is wise not to make any big decisions just yet,
like moving back to be near your family. You said that you moved to be
near his parents so his relationship with them might improve.
Although there was no addiction when he was growing up, there could
very well have been other personality disorders. Point is, don't beat
yourself up for moving. We learn from our mistakes, that is part of
life. Mistakes are not bad - whats bad is not learning from them &
instead repeating over & over because we can't admit we've made
a mistake.
I believe the healthy way to for MIL to express concerns would have
been to control her emotions so that she didn't create more drama
and chaos. She created drama & chaos because she's worried about
drama & chaos happening?
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Well....at least, it is all out in the open. Addiction thrives on secrets and isolation.
From where I sit...I didn't hear that she hates either one of you. I just heard heartfelt concerns that a mother and grandmother would have.
If your husband stays sober...then, perhaps trust can have a chance to grow...
Trust takes time and observable actions.......
From where I sit...I didn't hear that she hates either one of you. I just heard heartfelt concerns that a mother and grandmother would have.
If your husband stays sober...then, perhaps trust can have a chance to grow...
Trust takes time and observable actions.......
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When I met my AH he gave me a potted family history where he was the misunderstood victim of a demanding unfair father and an ineffectual weeping mother. We had little to do with them in the early years altho we were close with other family members. They appeared to resent me and I began to share AH's opinion of them.
Fast Forward to today and I can clearly see the despair and disappointment his parents have felt for most of his teen/adult life. The drama and chaos he brought...the lies, broken promises and manipulations that were part of his character even before the alcohol took hold; took over.
Big Hugs.
Fast Forward to today and I can clearly see the despair and disappointment his parents have felt for most of his teen/adult life. The drama and chaos he brought...the lies, broken promises and manipulations that were part of his character even before the alcohol took hold; took over.
Big Hugs.
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He is sober and has been cleaning up his mess for months and trying to fix relationships
You may think your MIL thinks that your stupid. But perhaps you should entertain the possibility that she actually likes you. Likes you enough to feel guilty if she doesn't anything about your situation. Likes you enough to realize that if she doesn't raise these issues now, she may feel complicit in any future abuse that you or child suffer.
I was once in a relationship with a serial cheater, and I knew it. Several of his friends took me aside and warned me away. Of course I didn't listen and stuck my head in the sand. One STD and many humiliations later...
To their everlasting credit, his friends never made me feel stupid - they made it very clear that they only had my welfare in mind. Now that I'm out of it, I'm grateful that they stepped "over the line", so to speak, and voiced their concerns.
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Not saying MIL hates anyone.
It's more about dysfunctional family dynamics and what happens
when some of them start trying to "fix" themselves and become
healthier. I'm preaching to the choir here, but many times it
reveals who the sickest puppy is. The old saying about the one
who gets into counseling first is really the healthiest one in the
bunch. And the other thing about what is comfortable, drama
and chaos? And intent- what was she intending to accomplish
by this emotional outburst and the ensuing disharmony it
created?
I truly wish you all the best in YOUR recovery, and I am so
happy you post here and get some of the best insights
you could find anywhere
It's more about dysfunctional family dynamics and what happens
when some of them start trying to "fix" themselves and become
healthier. I'm preaching to the choir here, but many times it
reveals who the sickest puppy is. The old saying about the one
who gets into counseling first is really the healthiest one in the
bunch. And the other thing about what is comfortable, drama
and chaos? And intent- what was she intending to accomplish
by this emotional outburst and the ensuing disharmony it
created?
I truly wish you all the best in YOUR recovery, and I am so
happy you post here and get some of the best insights
you could find anywhere
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Was your husband drinking when you went to lunch?
I know you believe he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, just drugs, but if his mother is versed in addiction theory that would have been a huge concern for her?
I know you believe he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, just drugs, but if his mother is versed in addiction theory that would have been a huge concern for her?
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Not saying MIL hates anyone.
It's more about dysfunctional family dynamics and what happens
when some of them start trying to "fix" themselves and become
healthier. I'm preaching to the choir here, but many times it
reveals who the sickest puppy is. The old saying about the one
who gets into counseling first is really the healthiest one in the
unch. And the other thing about what is comfortable, drama
and chaos? And intent- what was she intending to accomplish
by this emotional outburst and the ensuing disharmony it
created?
I truly wish you all the best in YOUR recovery, and I am so
happy you post here and get some of the best insights
you could find anywhere
It's more about dysfunctional family dynamics and what happens
when some of them start trying to "fix" themselves and become
healthier. I'm preaching to the choir here, but many times it
reveals who the sickest puppy is. The old saying about the one
who gets into counseling first is really the healthiest one in the
unch. And the other thing about what is comfortable, drama
and chaos? And intent- what was she intending to accomplish
by this emotional outburst and the ensuing disharmony it
created?
I truly wish you all the best in YOUR recovery, and I am so
happy you post here and get some of the best insights
you could find anywhere
There is dysfunction. Not all family dysfunction comes from substance abuse,.. I dont know exactly what she meant except it has something to do with her thinking he isnt embracing whatever definition she has of his problem, or handling it the way she thinks it should be, I dont know and thats frustrating too. I dont think she meant to fall apart but see she isnt strong emotionally either or she would have kept it together for just the little bit she was at our house.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Was your husband drinking when you went to lunch?
I know you believe he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, just drugs, but if his mother is versed in addiction theory that would have been a huge concern for her?
I know you believe he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, just drugs, but if his mother is versed in addiction theory that would have been a huge concern for her?
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