LifeRecovery

My loved one that got me here struggled with binge drinking behavior.

What did not change (regardless of how often he drank or what part of the cycle he was in), was my ANXIETY around his drinking.

I walked on eggshells.....to try and prevent another drinking episode.

I tried to keep life calm....to prevent another episode.

I did a lot of behaviors that loved ones do, regardless of where their loved one is on the problem drinking continuum.

Recovery has helped me to learn that I did not cause it, I could not control it and I could not cure it.

I don't always know what recovery looks like on someone else. I do know however that words don't make recovery, action does. What is your loved ones actions telling you right now?

NYCDoglvr

Your issue is what YOU can do and the answer is nothing. It's the nature of alcoholism that the only person who has any power over his/her drinking is the alcoholic. They have to want desperately to stop, get help. You can't do it for them. I've been sober 25 years and heard thousands of stories. Not once did anyone say they stopped drinking because someone else wanted them to, or thought they should.

FeelingGreat

batchel, I'm a researcher too. As soon as I come up against something I'm on the internet researching about it. When I was drinking too much I read up on alcoholism, the effects of alcohol, anything reputable I could find. I really think that educated / scared me into sobriety.

The problem is it's you doing all the reading, not your AH. You're up to speed on it, but he's cruising. He's apparently accepting the binge / sobriety cycle because it keeps happening.

I understand the cycle where drinking seems a mighty fine idea. If you develop tools to see you though those times until the urge disappears, then you're in recovery, and that can be very long term, like the rest of your life.

ladyscribbler

Hello, glad you found us here.

I did a lot of mental gymnastics over my ex's binge drinking. I wanted to define it as something other than alcoholism because I thought that alcoholics drink all the time, daily, not every few weeks.

What I should have been looking at was how his drinking behavior impacted me and my children. I had moved my older son and had a baby on the way and so I really wanted a solution that didn't involve me having to uproot our lives and admit that I'd made a mistake (shame and fear held me back for a long time). By writing it off as "maybe not really alcoholism" I thought I could justify staying because I was going to help him see the light.

At the start, he didn't drink all the time, but when he did drink, once he started he could not stop, and if anything got in the way of him being able to continue he lashed out. He didn't get into legal or medical trouble every time he drank, but every time he landed in jail or the ER or even just got a ride home from a friendly policeman, he'd been drinking.

His periods of sobriety got shorter until he was drinking daily, at least a minimal "maintenance" amount and home life deteriorated to the point where my older son left to live with his dad.

I know how much you want all of this not to be happening. When I first found this site (literally by Googling- How to make an alcoholic stop drinking- I was desperate), I just read and cried and felt hopeless and kept reading to look for ways that my situation was different. It wasn't, except that my life was still full of "not yets" back then, as in, X would never (fill in the blank). But most of those nevers came to pass eventually.

We were not that unique couple whose problems were so much different from everyone else's that no one else could truly understand. It took me a long time to let go of that idea. I needed him to be my soul mate; I had to justify abandoning reason, common sense, boundaries and physical safety in order to stay in a relationship with him.

Keep reaching out, we are here for you.

batchel9

Thank you all!!

I just did read the chicken sticky. That was good and I'm still wrapping by head around it!!

I also started reading the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" recommended in the stickies. That's a good one too. One question that has me going is the very first one. "Back when things were their best, we they really good?". All of my memories are plagued with his drinking. Maybe things have never been that good. Which is hard to swallow because I do love him as a person and he has a lot of qualities I like in a person.

dandylion

batchel...for what it is worth...I can think of my friends who have very wonderfull qualities....and, I love them,,,,,but, there have been very few (I'm talking about men friends, here) that I could even imagine living with!! I would probably kill them....

Another thought...in healthy, thriving marriages....there are good times, but, one doesn't have to "pay" for them by suffering through bad (abusive) times to get to them. Accepting some juicy crumbs, from time to time, to live on..
they can, reasonably, expect their marriage to be peppered with the good stuff---, interspersed, with the usual challenges of living.....

atalose

I think a lot of his future behavior with drinking can be predicted by his past behavior unless he makes some major changes.

What ever tools he has intermittently been using are only working intermittently so the same results will happen again and again.

Unless he makes a decision to make changes with those tools and really commit to not drinking ever, it will likely increase until it does become monthly, weekly, daily. The risks he takes when drinking will also increase.

Often all of those good qualities they had become eroded by the alcohol and we begin to see them less and less.

I lived in the past holding onto memories of what was and how great of a guy he used to. I''s see that good qualities every now and then but they were no longer consistent and I could no longer wait, it was too painful to watch.

Al-anon is a great group, counseling is good - all tools for YOU to pick up and use for YOU.

LexieCat

Alcoholics are not necessarily "bad" people. In fact, most of the ones I've met have--even before they get sober--endearing, and even admirable, qualities. The thing is, those qualities alone do not make them reliable, dependable partners. They tend to be irresponsible, irrational at times (even when not drinking, they defend their ability to keep doing it). And when they ARE drinking, pretty much all bets are off. They can behave in embarrassing or even illegal (think drunk driving) ways. They expect you to clean up their messes. They make tearful promises that it won't happen again.

It wears a person out. And it always gets worse over time, never better.

Breaking up with someone doesn't mean you've rejected him as a human being. It DOES mean you've decided this is not a good or healthy relationship for YOU to be in.

batchel9

I tried talking to my husband last night about my concerns with his lack of a plan or any other significant efforts related to his drinking.

He got really mad!!! He feels like he knows what he needs to do because these tools stopped him from drinking before. He just can't stop using them once he "feels better", he needs to use them forever. My argument is that they never stopped him from slipping before!!? But he swears he is smarter now. I end up feeling guilty at the end of the conversation. Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe he does have it under control?

I'm just in counseling, reading books, constantly reading this forum and he doesn't seem to be putting forth the same effort. But he doesn't get it at all. He says I'm not an expert, I don't know what is best for him, etc. Thoughts?

SparkleKitty

You aren't an expert and you don't know what's best for him.

You are, however, an expert on YOU and what YOU want and what YOU can live with. His plan may or may not keep him sober forever. No one can predict that. Is that something you can and want to live with?

atalose

I’ve never seen anyone drink themselves smart!

That’s his objective of these conversations, make you feel guilty, wrong, it’s all your fault, etc. so that he can continue on without any disturbance to do what he wants……………to drink……….eventually…….again…….and again………..and again.

No he’s not because he doesn’t want to, doesn’t want what’s been working for him so far……….drinking when he wants……………to change.

dandylion

batchel.....He just isn't ready. You can be as right as right...but, he won't hear it.
If he did...he would, logically, have to completely stop drinking....and, he doesn't want to do that.
If you keep trying, it will just frustrate you, no end, and drive you crazy!
(I have been there..pushing AA)

He gets angry because he sees you as trying to separate him from the thing he feels he can't live without...he see you as the "enemy"....

tomsteve

just my opinion, but no, he doesn't have it under control. what happened was exactly what HE wanted to happen- you feel guilty for bringing it up. his reaction got you to take the focus off his drinking being the problem.
the ONLY reason he got mad is probably because he knows the truth- and that's that he doesn't have it under control and he will be drinking again.

its pretty typical for an alcoholic to think they are smarter than the last time. cant say how many times I came out of a rip snortin bender full of remorse and guilt and swore It wouldn't happen again- I had the knowledge of what would happen if I drank.
but alcoholism, being patient, said," imma just gonna sit here and wait for ya to get the "f**k-its" again. then ill make it even worse than it was last time because I don't care how smart you think you are- I will do whatever I can to destroy you and everyone around you."

Berrybean

Sounds to me like he got sober, and can stay sober for a while by white-knuckling it, but eventually it gets to painful and he drinks. That, I think, is where I'd be if I didn't work on my recovery on a daily basis and have the support of other recovering alcoholics.

When I first stopped drinking I thought that once I'd got past any physical withdrawal that would it be it. Sorted. People tried to tell me that I'd need to work on my recovery, but I didn't listen. Maybe THEY needed stuff like that, but I was smarter than them. I wasn't 'that much' of an alcoholic. ... and then i realised. All those feelings and thoughts I'd managed to stuff away were suddenly there and I didn't know what to do with them. I was pretty much suicidal before I could find the humility to ask for help. I can see how for others this could be relapses.
So, forgive me if I'm Barking up the wrong tree here but it sounds like what he is missing is a recovery program. After all, it's not just our alcoholic drinking we have to deal with, but out alcoholic thinking as well. Otherwise sobriety will be too painful to be sustainable.

Prayers for you and your husband tonight. BB

FeelingGreat

Well it's not something you need to wonder about because time will tell. My guess is he will relapse, at which point it might be worth raising this conversation with him. At least you'll know not take his word for it.

I don't think everyone has to work a program to succeed , but from his history he needs something to see him through the crisis when he feels he just has to drink, because he's not dealing with it.