Got "the monster" today
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Got "the monster" today
AW crashed on the couch again last night (a favorite thing lately) and was just about to lay down in bed when my alarm went off for me to get up for work. I startled her and she stayed up through my morning routine afterwards, obviously still slurred and drunk although she'll be the first to say she wasn't THAT drunk at the time.
Anyway, she accidentally locked the cat outside all night and got extremely sad and emotional about it. After I got out of the shower I heard her muttering to herself and beating herself up for what a terrible person she is and how could she be so cruel etc etc. Then she flipped out and started screaming incoherently and throwing things and almost broke the glass table and a couple other glass objects before I finally stopped her.
This is not a side she usually lets out, and I like to call it "the monster" because she is running on pure adrenaline and proto-brain functions when she's like this. Somehow these things always result in glass shards all over the house, thankfully that didn't happen this time. She's agreed that she needs to find a treatment program but this was while she was still under the influence. When I get home today, if she's not drinking, we'll start that process and see where it takes us from here....
Anyway, she accidentally locked the cat outside all night and got extremely sad and emotional about it. After I got out of the shower I heard her muttering to herself and beating herself up for what a terrible person she is and how could she be so cruel etc etc. Then she flipped out and started screaming incoherently and throwing things and almost broke the glass table and a couple other glass objects before I finally stopped her.
This is not a side she usually lets out, and I like to call it "the monster" because she is running on pure adrenaline and proto-brain functions when she's like this. Somehow these things always result in glass shards all over the house, thankfully that didn't happen this time. She's agreed that she needs to find a treatment program but this was while she was still under the influence. When I get home today, if she's not drinking, we'll start that process and see where it takes us from here....
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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By the time you get home, she'll already be drinking, I'm betting. And if she's not, she'll be desperate to do it.
Have you ever considered asking her if she'd be willing to talk to someone from AA? If so, they will send a couple of women out to talk with her.
Have you ever considered asking her if she'd be willing to talk to someone from AA? If so, they will send a couple of women out to talk with her.
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She does not think she can bear to talk to strangers about her addiction, and she severely distrusts therapists and psychologists, so she is not receptive to most treatment programs. This is a new twist where I did not have to prompt her about how her condition comes across, so I'm taking it as a sign that we are about to cross over the "need to want help" barrier soon
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by MrMystery 
This is a new twist where I did not have to prompt her about how her condition comes across, so I'm taking it as a sign that we are about to cross over the "need to want help" barrier soon
The thing about talking to someone from AA is that the person she's talking to has been EXACTLY where she is. It's not like talking to a doctor or to someone who will judge her. Talking to another alcoholic, who clearly GETS it, can be a huge breakthrough for lots of people. It's why AA has been so successful from the beginning.
I'd throw the idea out there, anyway, and let her know that people do this to help others in the exact same situation where they have been.
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Mm,
There are not many addicts who "trust" aa members or therapists, part of aloholism 101. Excuse, excuse. Talking to her about getting help is her thing, not yours. I would not make any recommendations to her about what she should do. I would tell her to be honest and talk to her dr about it. That's it. I am sure you have had this discussion with her many times. Mind your side of the street. Just my opinion.
I am sorry, it sucks to live with active addiction in your home. It did it for 34 years. I will never do it again,
There are not many addicts who "trust" aa members or therapists, part of aloholism 101. Excuse, excuse. Talking to her about getting help is her thing, not yours. I would not make any recommendations to her about what she should do. I would tell her to be honest and talk to her dr about it. That's it. I am sure you have had this discussion with her many times. Mind your side of the street. Just my opinion.
I am sorry, it sucks to live with active addiction in your home. It did it for 34 years. I will never do it again,
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She does not think she can bear to talk to strangers about her addiction, and she severely distrusts therapists and psychologists, so she is not receptive to most treatment programs
Yes that was one of my exah excuses for not seeking help. I don't think, from what you are saying, she is anywhere near close to wanting to quit.
Yes that was one of my exah excuses for not seeking help. I don't think, from what you are saying, she is anywhere near close to wanting to quit.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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This is a new twist where I did not have to prompt her about how her condition comes across, so I'm taking it as a sign that we are about to cross over the "need to want help" barrier soon
I remember going through a period of time, a long period of time where I hung hope on every single word I perceived as a “potential” positive. I believe that, that kind of thinking kept me treading water, not moving forward not going backwards just remaining exactly the same.
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Well, when I got home she was about to leave the house to get her daily fix. She has talked to her prior doctor about her drinking, and that doctor recommended a few groups but she -- as everyone has said -- had excuses why she could not go. We talked briefly and she agrees she needs help but she is not yet ready as usual. I'm trying to stay patient, and she knows it. Time will tell....
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She is not ready, my friend. She has excuse after excuse after excuse. Can't talk to this person. Can't bear to speak to that pperson.
Course not. That would mean making some changes, and she. Is. Not. Ready.
Hope the kitty is okay.
Course not. That would mean making some changes, and she. Is. Not. Ready.
Hope the kitty is okay.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Sorry you are going through this. My husband recently entered rehab. I had been working on him about rehab for a year. I finally got frustrated one evening recently after he was verbally abusive and told him I was fed up and moving out. I started putting my clothes in the car and he realized it was time. He has been in rehab 9 days. He is doing well and I look forward to him coming home. I hope your wife will go for you. Best of luck.
PS I also started going to counseling to help me.
PS I also started going to counseling to help me.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What if it was this instead...
"She does not think she can bear to talk to strangers about her cancer, and she severely distrusts doctors and oncologists so she is not receptive to most treatment programs."
Same thing.
It's just the addiction protecting itself-- it will do anything to stay alive.
Cyranoak
Same thing.
It's just the addiction protecting itself-- it will do anything to stay alive.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by MrMystery
She does not think she can bear to talk to strangers about her addiction, and she severely distrusts therapists and psychologists, so she is not receptive to most treatment programs. This is a new twist where I did not have to prompt her about how her condition comes across, so I'm taking it as a sign that we are about to cross over the "need to want help" barrier soon
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
So sorry to hear what you are going through, my friend. There are not many things as horrible as that unsettled, unsafe feeling you feel in your own home, your safe place, when you see that kind of violent behavior happening. It is just as terrifying for a male to see a female acting out in that way as it is for a female seeing a male, as well. I feel for you.
I mostly just wanted to post to tell you I'm sorry and I know how you feel and went through it for many years. I did often hear remorse and I think some of it was genuine, some just "get me off my back" type stuff. By the end of the relationship, unfortunately all the hopes and dreams of "qutting someday" never materialized. I have not given up hope for her to someday come to this conclusion for her own well being and long, healthy life, but I had to get off the ride. You'll just know when it's time. It would be great if your wife reaches her point of wanting to live a better life for herself and those who love her, before you reach the end of your own patience, but only you both will know that.
The big thing to look for is for her to actually decide to and want to stop without you making conditions, or prompting, or monitoring, etc. I will advise you that I found peace over the years when I was able to manage to fully disengage from her when she was drinking at all, as much as that was possible, and also to stop trying to control the drinking, as hard as that was. Realizing that I'd never win an argument with a drunk, as well as realizing that nothing I could say or do would have any effect on how she lived her life when it came to her drinking, was freeing.
I mostly just wanted to post to tell you I'm sorry and I know how you feel and went through it for many years. I did often hear remorse and I think some of it was genuine, some just "get me off my back" type stuff. By the end of the relationship, unfortunately all the hopes and dreams of "qutting someday" never materialized. I have not given up hope for her to someday come to this conclusion for her own well being and long, healthy life, but I had to get off the ride. You'll just know when it's time. It would be great if your wife reaches her point of wanting to live a better life for herself and those who love her, before you reach the end of your own patience, but only you both will know that.
The big thing to look for is for her to actually decide to and want to stop without you making conditions, or prompting, or monitoring, etc. I will advise you that I found peace over the years when I was able to manage to fully disengage from her when she was drinking at all, as much as that was possible, and also to stop trying to control the drinking, as hard as that was. Realizing that I'd never win an argument with a drunk, as well as realizing that nothing I could say or do would have any effect on how she lived her life when it came to her drinking, was freeing.
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Ouch. I remember being in that place. Where once any negative emotions were in place, the only things I could do with them were either drink on them, or flip them straight into rage. (Rage seeming a lot safer / less vulnerable than ashamed, guilty, scared, hurt, embarrassed, worried, rejected, or whatever). I got so I flipped it over easier than a pancake, and often didnt even understand where the rage came from because I'd reacted so instantly and quickly and automatically to the other emotion that I hadn't even processesd or recognised it.
Thats's a dark and lonely place to be.
And I couldn't speak to a counsellor either. I had one and just told her the bits I thought were acceptable. Anything that might have made her think badly of me I kept locked away. What a waste of time. In the end, when contemplating the merits of suicide, I finally decided that I would risk getting a sponsor and opening up to her. What a relief that was. (After I'd done it anyway). It was possibly the most terrifying thing I've ever done, but oh my goodness, the relief it brought.
I will be praying for your wife, and for you to manage to stay out of the line of fire.
BB
Thats's a dark and lonely place to be.
And I couldn't speak to a counsellor either. I had one and just told her the bits I thought were acceptable. Anything that might have made her think badly of me I kept locked away. What a waste of time. In the end, when contemplating the merits of suicide, I finally decided that I would risk getting a sponsor and opening up to her. What a relief that was. (After I'd done it anyway). It was possibly the most terrifying thing I've ever done, but oh my goodness, the relief it brought.
I will be praying for your wife, and for you to manage to stay out of the line of fire.
BB
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