Divorcing/Separating Class of 2017 - March Thread
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I would agree with having an attorney stamp of approval. Congrats to all who are one step closer to "graduating"!
Regarding my Class of 2017, I've been crazy busy with work--traveling for the past 4 weeks constantly and juggling multiple projects, but I did do one thing towards my "coursework": I stopped drinking myself.
I typically give up something for Lent, and this year Ash Wednesday was on March 1. I decided to give up alcohol for Lent. I've written elsewhere that while I don't have a "problem" with alcohol, I feel I'm using it too much as a knee jerk response to dealing with the every day craziness. Alcohol has become an NSAID for me--something to ease the pain without really taking care of the cause of the problem. I would say on average I have/had a half a bottle of wine a day/night.
The reason I'm posting this here is that now that I'm alcohol-free, it's amazing what clarity being 100% sober gives the situation. And it helps that I traveled a lot this past month. Whenever I travel it's like sticking my head out of a manhole and getting a breath of fresh air before going under again.
I am now thinking about next steps. My Vermont realtor is asking me when I'm coming up to look at apartments. So that will be on my April list, I believe.
I still feel like I need a tremendous amount of strength to actually pull this off. But having 12 bite-sized chunks (January-December) to "push it forward" is so helpful.
Regarding my Class of 2017, I've been crazy busy with work--traveling for the past 4 weeks constantly and juggling multiple projects, but I did do one thing towards my "coursework": I stopped drinking myself.
I typically give up something for Lent, and this year Ash Wednesday was on March 1. I decided to give up alcohol for Lent. I've written elsewhere that while I don't have a "problem" with alcohol, I feel I'm using it too much as a knee jerk response to dealing with the every day craziness. Alcohol has become an NSAID for me--something to ease the pain without really taking care of the cause of the problem. I would say on average I have/had a half a bottle of wine a day/night.
The reason I'm posting this here is that now that I'm alcohol-free, it's amazing what clarity being 100% sober gives the situation. And it helps that I traveled a lot this past month. Whenever I travel it's like sticking my head out of a manhole and getting a breath of fresh air before going under again.
I am now thinking about next steps. My Vermont realtor is asking me when I'm coming up to look at apartments. So that will be on my April list, I believe.
I still feel like I need a tremendous amount of strength to actually pull this off. But having 12 bite-sized chunks (January-December) to "push it forward" is so helpful.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
This kind of brings me back to a time in my life- I had a stillborn baby and I was a wreck. I was drinking half a bottle of wine a night- for about 6 weeks- then stopped and took up karate. I think if I had the alcoholic gene, I would not have been able to stop- that was 31 years ago. anyway I don't drink now- just not a part of my life- don't go to bars, don't hang with drinkers- did I have a problem back then? yes I think so. Once i stopped drinking and became physically active my depression lifted.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Tax time- I told my lawyer I was willing to file jointly- only if the money came to my account, because he has paid no alimony and tried to take a lot of money from a joint account. so NOW I hear he wants to file the taxes and put all the refund in his account, and he will write me a check- I say horse puckies. I want it put in my account only- then we will portion it up- or I will file married filing separately. This means he would pay a lot more to the government. So I am sticking to my guns!!
His financial papers are due this coming Monday- as expected he is waiting til the last minute.
How did I ever live so long with such a lying, manipulative, selfish, low worm of a man? Can you tell I am angry today? Working on my fourth step and recognizing my anger- is this a character defect or is anger a mechanism to give you the energy to move out of an intolerable situation?
His financial papers are due this coming Monday- as expected he is waiting til the last minute.
How did I ever live so long with such a lying, manipulative, selfish, low worm of a man? Can you tell I am angry today? Working on my fourth step and recognizing my anger- is this a character defect or is anger a mechanism to give you the energy to move out of an intolerable situation?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
qtpi.....You do realize you can choose to have half (or whatever the appropriate amount is) directed to your bank account, and half to his, while still filing joint? That is an option.
I absolutely agree that there is no way that I would allow it all to go into his account and trust he will write you a check. Um...no.
Tight hugs!
I absolutely agree that there is no way that I would allow it all to go into his account and trust he will write you a check. Um...no.
Tight hugs!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by hearthealth 
Deep breath I retained a lawyer.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Good for YOU! I take it you liked the way this one listened to you, and is willing to work with you to get your kids the protection they need?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, well, that sounds promising. Consider the possibility of alcohol monitoring while he's got the kids--maybe if you initially ask for supervised visitation you could suggest monitoring as a compromise. I assume you told him about his abusive behavior toward the kids?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by garnetwaters
My divorce was final on Thursday! I guess I got lucky in the fact that he failed to file an answer to the petition after he was served, so I was able to proceed uncontested. I didn't have to go through all the discovery and document collection. He just kind of checked out and defaulted on the divorce. He doesn't even know it happened. It's very strange, but I think "pickled brain" really is a thing. I am going to email him a copy of the decree this weekend after I change the locks. Then I am going to pack up the personal items he left here when he walked out in October and arrange a time for him to come pick it all up.
I felt so alone for so long. I kept everything secret and isolated myself, but reading everyone's stories here helped me realize I was NOT alone. I began to share in al-anon and therapy. Then I began to open up to family and friends. They have all been so supportive. I am extremely lucky and thankful everyday for all the people who lifted me up after being torn down for years.
The past few months of very limited contact with him have done wonders for my mental health and self-esteem. When he does contact me, I use the tools I learned here to keep calm and not engage. In fact, his ringtone is a duck quacking! It reminds me not to get caught up in his crazy addict rage and blame shifting. Since we don't have children, I should be completely no contact with him soon.
Thanks to all of you here who helped me get mentally and emotionally well enough to let go of him and do the best thing for me. I could have never started the process without all the wonderful people here. I could have never have gotten myself well without all the wonderful people here. Thank you all!!!
I felt so alone for so long. I kept everything secret and isolated myself, but reading everyone's stories here helped me realize I was NOT alone. I began to share in al-anon and therapy. Then I began to open up to family and friends. They have all been so supportive. I am extremely lucky and thankful everyday for all the people who lifted me up after being torn down for years.
The past few months of very limited contact with him have done wonders for my mental health and self-esteem. When he does contact me, I use the tools I learned here to keep calm and not engage. In fact, his ringtone is a duck quacking! It reminds me not to get caught up in his crazy addict rage and blame shifting. Since we don't have children, I should be completely no contact with him soon.
Thanks to all of you here who helped me get mentally and emotionally well enough to let go of him and do the best thing for me. I could have never started the process without all the wonderful people here. I could have never have gotten myself well without all the wonderful people here. Thank you all!!!
..... STBXAH left me March 2016 and my struggle to divorce him continues very slow but I'm treading along
******
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Bachdel-
In my state, attorneys advise divorcing partners to get a QDRO (qualified domestic relations order), which costs about $400 (in my state) per account to be equitably divided. I'm not suggesting you agree to anything without your own attorney, but it seems like the QDROs are what STBXAH and I will be using to figure out how to split our pensions.
In my state, attorneys advise divorcing partners to get a QDRO (qualified domestic relations order), which costs about $400 (in my state) per account to be equitably divided. I'm not suggesting you agree to anything without your own attorney, but it seems like the QDROs are what STBXAH and I will be using to figure out how to split our pensions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
STBXAH signed our property settlement agreement today, I'll sign as soon as my attorney receives them then we can file for divorce. Our marital property is going on the market for sale next week. Things are actually happening - I am having a hard time believing it. What a long, weird road it's been to get here and I am so thankful for SR for helping me along the way.
Feeling mostly relief and hope, but some "weirdness" mixed in, too.
Hugs to us all on this journey XO - CapitanM
Feeling mostly relief and hope, but some "weirdness" mixed in, too.
Hugs to us all on this journey XO - CapitanM
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I always used to tell newly sober people that the best way to describe early sobriety was "WEIRD." Weird is often the feeling that accompanies even the very best of changes. It's like moving to a strange new place. Soon, though, it will be home. 
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
The very best of changes! My divorce was final in January. In my state, property settlement is next. As expected, XAH has held out to the minute- his financial disclosure statements are due Monday, March 20th. I am almost there.
Trying to stay detached and remember the delay at the last minute- the games with the tax refund- are all part of the alcoholic game and I am trying not to get sucked into playing. I am trying to hold onto my serenity and not "play back."
I don't know what's next. Will we settle out of court? Half and half? Will we go to court for everything? Will he sell the house? He's living in it now- it's paid in full-while I pay rent - but I am trying to stay serene about everything and keep my eye on the prize-
Can't wait until it's over!!!
Trying to stay detached and remember the delay at the last minute- the games with the tax refund- are all part of the alcoholic game and I am trying not to get sucked into playing. I am trying to hold onto my serenity and not "play back."
I don't know what's next. Will we settle out of court? Half and half? Will we go to court for everything? Will he sell the house? He's living in it now- it's paid in full-while I pay rent - but I am trying to stay serene about everything and keep my eye on the prize-
Can't wait until it's over!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Well- as far as I know his financial paperwork is in. It was due yesterday. My lawyer's office called today and said there is a telephone conference that lasts 15 minutes with the judge and the lawyers scheduled for June 21st. Slow!! I don't know if he will be willing to settle out of court or not. Meanwhile he is living in our mortgage free home while I pay rent. I have not see one red cent of alimony. It hasn't been ordered yet. I know this is similar to what other people are experiencing. Well I said I would live in a cardboard box rather than live with him. But my tiny apartment is cute and I am getting used to people treating me with kindness and understanding. And I am officially divorced.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
I was surprised. XAH has agreed to put the tax refund into my account! I let my lawyer know that's what I wanted, then I turned it over to HP, because I was thinking it is just alcoholic games and I didn't want to play anymore. I just want the lawyers to work everything out. So done with him and his games!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Unless you've only been together for a short time, skimping on lawyers is a false economy. Things can get complicated with property, and you may be entitled to more than a 50/50 split. There are pension funds, future earning capacity and other considerations, not to mention debt.
I know this from my own experience. Remember, once the assets are split and you've both gone your own way you may regret being over generous.
I know this from my own experience. Remember, once the assets are split and you've both gone your own way you may regret being over generous.
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