My major relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
My major relapse
Hi all,
Some of you will know my story. AH hasn't always been faithful (emotionally) during our 5 year marriage. Details of a dating site on his iPad few years back. Text messages from a female many months later - claimed to have met her on an alcohol recovery website - nonsense! Tearful apologies both times and we moved on...
Was most likely physically unfaithful to me during a foreign holiday 4 years ago - can't know for sure but certainly possible. Only discovered this a couple of months ago.
Most recent trauma was his suicide attempt ( because I told him I wanted to get the legalities underway to formalise our separation ) which resulted in his hospitalisation for 2 weeks, 7 days in coma - horrific time.
Now He is home to his apartment and is SO full of gratitude for his 2nd chance at life, is embracing ALL the help on offer. Attends many AA meetings, meets with members outside of meetings to chat and have coffee with. Has forged a good friendship with the priest who visited his bedside in hospital - seems to have discovered a faithful and meets up once in a while but emails a couple times a week. Meets more with his family and friends and accepts all help and support available.
All seems to be going well for him, he eats well, sleeps well, and apparently doesn't miss alcohol in the slightest. Loves being sober although recognises that his recovery is early days and lifelong and will require daily effort for remainder of his life.
Because he seems and sounds SO very different now - I've never heard him so measured, grounded and reasonable in all the 8 years I've known him.
Could his awful character flaws be part of his past?
Could they be linked to addiction and depression?
Could they be a thing of the past if the addiction/depression is now being treated? Or is this my relapse thinking?
Some people do absolutely manage to turn their lives around.
He has asked me not to file for divorce just yet as he would like to prove he has changed.
I'm really scared again - I have lost the clarity I had and I wish I knew what to think.
I was thinking of maybe saying that we could continue to live separately (we are 400 miles apart anyway) and that maybe after a full year of sobriety we could revisit this conversation.
Are my current conflicting thoughts typical in this situation?
I'd love to hear any words you have for me.
Thank you
Some of you will know my story. AH hasn't always been faithful (emotionally) during our 5 year marriage. Details of a dating site on his iPad few years back. Text messages from a female many months later - claimed to have met her on an alcohol recovery website - nonsense! Tearful apologies both times and we moved on...
Was most likely physically unfaithful to me during a foreign holiday 4 years ago - can't know for sure but certainly possible. Only discovered this a couple of months ago.
Most recent trauma was his suicide attempt ( because I told him I wanted to get the legalities underway to formalise our separation ) which resulted in his hospitalisation for 2 weeks, 7 days in coma - horrific time.
Now He is home to his apartment and is SO full of gratitude for his 2nd chance at life, is embracing ALL the help on offer. Attends many AA meetings, meets with members outside of meetings to chat and have coffee with. Has forged a good friendship with the priest who visited his bedside in hospital - seems to have discovered a faithful and meets up once in a while but emails a couple times a week. Meets more with his family and friends and accepts all help and support available.
All seems to be going well for him, he eats well, sleeps well, and apparently doesn't miss alcohol in the slightest. Loves being sober although recognises that his recovery is early days and lifelong and will require daily effort for remainder of his life.
Because he seems and sounds SO very different now - I've never heard him so measured, grounded and reasonable in all the 8 years I've known him.
Could his awful character flaws be part of his past?
Could they be linked to addiction and depression?
Could they be a thing of the past if the addiction/depression is now being treated? Or is this my relapse thinking?
Some people do absolutely manage to turn their lives around.
He has asked me not to file for divorce just yet as he would like to prove he has changed.
I'm really scared again - I have lost the clarity I had and I wish I knew what to think.
I was thinking of maybe saying that we could continue to live separately (we are 400 miles apart anyway) and that maybe after a full year of sobriety we could revisit this conversation.
Are my current conflicting thoughts typical in this situation?
I'd love to hear any words you have for me.
Thank you
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, pretty common.
Here's the thing. He's JUST past this life-altering event. God willing, it WILL be that for him, and he will fully recover. But he's got a lousy record of sticking with it, right? There's a good chance he will simply chug along for a bit and then pick up a drink and be right back where he started.
My own feeling is that you don't let what he does right now alter your plans. You did a lot of soul-searching, giving him multiple chances to step up. You emotionally were beginning to move on to a life that didn't include marriage to him.
IF he really sticks with it, truly changes, inside and out (and you won't know that for quite a while--at least a couple of years, most likely), you can see where you are both at, at that time. People do remarry. It's not beyond the realm of possibility. But if things go south, wouldn't it be better to be on the other side of the legal end of things? Rather than have to start from scratch?
He doesn't NEED you to recover. He might do much better just putting his focus entirely on himself, without worrying about how this or that looks to you. If he goes on the assumption you WON'T be back, that's the real measure of how serious he is about this.
Just my two cents.
Here's the thing. He's JUST past this life-altering event. God willing, it WILL be that for him, and he will fully recover. But he's got a lousy record of sticking with it, right? There's a good chance he will simply chug along for a bit and then pick up a drink and be right back where he started.
My own feeling is that you don't let what he does right now alter your plans. You did a lot of soul-searching, giving him multiple chances to step up. You emotionally were beginning to move on to a life that didn't include marriage to him.
IF he really sticks with it, truly changes, inside and out (and you won't know that for quite a while--at least a couple of years, most likely), you can see where you are both at, at that time. People do remarry. It's not beyond the realm of possibility. But if things go south, wouldn't it be better to be on the other side of the legal end of things? Rather than have to start from scratch?
He doesn't NEED you to recover. He might do much better just putting his focus entirely on himself, without worrying about how this or that looks to you. If he goes on the assumption you WON'T be back, that's the real measure of how serious he is about this.
Just my two cents.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Time will tell, I think, Hummer. Why don't you keep your distance, let him work his recovery hard, while you work yours.
We always have hope that the loved one will get a clue and realize how destructive this disease is to everyone.
It's good to have hope. Just don't let it be the boa that engulfs you.
We always have hope that the loved one will get a clue and realize how destructive this disease is to everyone.
It's good to have hope. Just don't let it be the boa that engulfs you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hummer....it sounds like you are being tempted to putting all of your eggs back in his basket. (does that ever sound l ike a good idea?).....
In a couple of years you will have a better idea of how his recovery is sticking....
If you stick to your own recovery and development...who knows how you will feel about all of this?
In a couple of years you will have a better idea of how his recovery is sticking....
If you stick to your own recovery and development...who knows how you will feel about all of this?
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