So unfair
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 2
So unfair
Hi,
I'm new to this forum and was directed here by a friend.
I'm preparing to leave my AH and am at the stage where I have that burning sick feeling that I wish he would just change. So much anger towards him that I've got to uproot the kids lives and mine because of his addiction.
I don't want to be alone. I didn't plan my life to raise 5 children on my own. I have no career prospects as I have been a stay at home mum for most of the last 10 years.
His life will go on and he'll continue to drink and do what he wants while I'm left to pick up the pieces and try to raise my children in a happy, alcohol free environment to show them what a healthy life is like.
How do you let go of the anger and resentment?
I'm new to this forum and was directed here by a friend.
I'm preparing to leave my AH and am at the stage where I have that burning sick feeling that I wish he would just change. So much anger towards him that I've got to uproot the kids lives and mine because of his addiction.
I don't want to be alone. I didn't plan my life to raise 5 children on my own. I have no career prospects as I have been a stay at home mum for most of the last 10 years.
His life will go on and he'll continue to drink and do what he wants while I'm left to pick up the pieces and try to raise my children in a happy, alcohol free environment to show them what a healthy life is like.
How do you let go of the anger and resentment?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. I think we've all felt the way you do--not all of us with five kids, necessarily, but plenty of anger and resentment.
I HIGHLY recommend Al-Anon. Also, keep reading and posting here. I especially recommend the "sticky" threads up top--there is a ton of great information.
Unfortunately, life often ISN'T fair. People get sick, die, have financial problems. The more you focus on making a good life for yourself and your kiddos and the less you focus on what he's doing (and trust me, however it looks, alcoholics experience plenty of pain), the sooner you will recover.
I HIGHLY recommend Al-Anon. Also, keep reading and posting here. I especially recommend the "sticky" threads up top--there is a ton of great information.
Unfortunately, life often ISN'T fair. People get sick, die, have financial problems. The more you focus on making a good life for yourself and your kiddos and the less you focus on what he's doing (and trust me, however it looks, alcoholics experience plenty of pain), the sooner you will recover.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mum,
Welcome and glad you found us. I think we all have anger that the addict in our life is "ruining" our marriage, family our life style. You wish you could just shake them and make them understand. If only it would work that way, we would all live happily ever after.
It took a long time to get in this situation with your ah and it will take some time to get out of it. Like Lexie says you need to educate yourself regarding addiction. I am sure you are very busy being mom and dad, but if you could hit some alanon meetings, maybe an open aa meeting or time with a therapist. It will really help you in the process of what you will need to do.
They do say in alanon to wait 6 months before you make any drastic decisions in your life. So take some deep breaths, read around the forum, ask questions. That is a start for you to move forward.
Sending hugs and support to you and your 5 kids.
Welcome and glad you found us. I think we all have anger that the addict in our life is "ruining" our marriage, family our life style. You wish you could just shake them and make them understand. If only it would work that way, we would all live happily ever after.
It took a long time to get in this situation with your ah and it will take some time to get out of it. Like Lexie says you need to educate yourself regarding addiction. I am sure you are very busy being mom and dad, but if you could hit some alanon meetings, maybe an open aa meeting or time with a therapist. It will really help you in the process of what you will need to do.
They do say in alanon to wait 6 months before you make any drastic decisions in your life. So take some deep breaths, read around the forum, ask questions. That is a start for you to move forward.
Sending hugs and support to you and your 5 kids.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Mumto5, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, and I hope coming to SR will help in many ways.
So you've already made the decision to leave. Do you have a support network like parents, grandparents, friends etc who can take some of the burden with you? Your AH is worse than useless, but he's not the only person nears you I hope.
Please don't think that 10 years out of the workforce disqualifies you for future employment. I was out for a similar time and reasons. I found that when I returned I'd transformed from an immature worker into one with many skills and a great attitude. Child-rearing does that for you. Find somewhere to start, unskilled or part time and look out for the many opportunities that will come your way. The main thing is to start.
Be prepared for your AH to be full of remorse when you leave, and make multiple promises. Time will tell, but even if he's sincere it's not easy to recover, and letting him move in again will be a mistake. A's tend to relapse once the pressure's off.
If it all seems so unfair, it is, but you wouldn't swap with him would you? His way is miserable even if it doesn't seem that way.
So you've already made the decision to leave. Do you have a support network like parents, grandparents, friends etc who can take some of the burden with you? Your AH is worse than useless, but he's not the only person nears you I hope.
Please don't think that 10 years out of the workforce disqualifies you for future employment. I was out for a similar time and reasons. I found that when I returned I'd transformed from an immature worker into one with many skills and a great attitude. Child-rearing does that for you. Find somewhere to start, unskilled or part time and look out for the many opportunities that will come your way. The main thing is to start.
Be prepared for your AH to be full of remorse when you leave, and make multiple promises. Time will tell, but even if he's sincere it's not easy to recover, and letting him move in again will be a mistake. A's tend to relapse once the pressure's off.
If it all seems so unfair, it is, but you wouldn't swap with him would you? His way is miserable even if it doesn't seem that way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Mumto5,
You probably already know this, but anger is okay. It's a normal emotion, and it can be motivating, too. I don't think you should try to reason with your feelings. He's an asshat who has made bad choices, and you're getting stuck with a lot of the fallout. Be mad. It's justified.
And then, get practical, as per the suggestions above. How can you best manage this predicament? What is the life you want to create for yourself? Who can you rely on for help? What kinds of jobs might you be interested in?
One of these days you'll look back with gratitude that you're no longer trying to manage an intolerable situation whereas if your STBXAH is like mine, he'll still be doing what he's doing. Good riddance, right?
You probably already know this, but anger is okay. It's a normal emotion, and it can be motivating, too. I don't think you should try to reason with your feelings. He's an asshat who has made bad choices, and you're getting stuck with a lot of the fallout. Be mad. It's justified.
And then, get practical, as per the suggestions above. How can you best manage this predicament? What is the life you want to create for yourself? Who can you rely on for help? What kinds of jobs might you be interested in?
One of these days you'll look back with gratitude that you're no longer trying to manage an intolerable situation whereas if your STBXAH is like mine, he'll still be doing what he's doing. Good riddance, right?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hi Mum - welcome!
I can relate to your anger - have been there - just with 1 child though.
I have been always a breadwinner and took equal part in caring for our son - and my anger was "he has such a good life with pretty much everything handed to him why are we not enough for him?". He traded successful wife (13 years his junior) who adored him for a bar going alcoholic woman, unemployed, older than him.
This anger you have is very justified. I have asked him to leave many times, he went to rehab, and then I took him back right after. I would not recomend it.
You are stronger than you think. I, for one, would hire a fellow single mom any second - we are a very efficient resourceful bunch
I can relate to your anger - have been there - just with 1 child though.
I have been always a breadwinner and took equal part in caring for our son - and my anger was "he has such a good life with pretty much everything handed to him why are we not enough for him?". He traded successful wife (13 years his junior) who adored him for a bar going alcoholic woman, unemployed, older than him.
This anger you have is very justified. I have asked him to leave many times, he went to rehab, and then I took him back right after. I would not recomend it.
You are stronger than you think. I, for one, would hire a fellow single mom any second - we are a very efficient resourceful bunch
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Years ago when I was in Al-anon I had to go do one of my steps with a pastor. I had 15 typed pages of anger and resentment prepared. She looked at me and asked me who I planned to devastate when I woke up that morning. I replied no one of course. She gently explained to me that no one has plans to do the terrible things alcoholics do. We are all doing the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. When we know better we do better. That helped my resentments a great deal. My alcoholic never intended to hurt me or himself. He did his best with where he was at and his level of knowledge at the time and even though it wasn't good enough for me our our child, it was the best he had at the time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, if OK, Mumto5. One thing that helped me a great deal was to envision the home that I wanted - not the detail-oriented "me, husband, children, 2000 square foot home, white picket fence, yard, cat, dog, etc." type of picture, but the emotional painting type of picture. What did I want my home to feel like, generally speaking? I wanted light, bright, joyful, music, laughter, rambunctious kids running in and out of the house, them rushing through the kitchen to snitch a snack before they ran off laughing again.
I know it's not possible to have happy, light and laughter 24/7, but it's certainly possible to have it way (WAY) more often than I was getting while living under the same roof as AXH. It took a while to realize that picture of home wasn't contingent on AXH. - I would never get that picture if I stayed with AXH and honestly, he as he is now wasn't a required piece of the picture. Heck, even the him he could be *if only* (he stopped drinking, stopped using, stopped being angry, etc.), isn't a required piece of the picture. Once I realized that, it was a little easier to start letting go of the anger at AXH.
Wishing you and your kids light and laughter.
I know it's not possible to have happy, light and laughter 24/7, but it's certainly possible to have it way (WAY) more often than I was getting while living under the same roof as AXH. It took a while to realize that picture of home wasn't contingent on AXH. - I would never get that picture if I stayed with AXH and honestly, he as he is now wasn't a required piece of the picture. Heck, even the him he could be *if only* (he stopped drinking, stopped using, stopped being angry, etc.), isn't a required piece of the picture. Once I realized that, it was a little easier to start letting go of the anger at AXH.
Wishing you and your kids light and laughter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
How do you let go of the anger and resentment?
By living a better life and realising it is.
I too have been left with all the responsibility. I have 8 children and 2 still at home. Both are autistic and one will never be independent. Exah has gone off into the sunset doing exactly as he pleases but tbh he pretty much did exactly as he pleased when he was with me. I was angry at first. Angry he has a free life while I have all the stress. However I always did have all the stress. I was a single parent while with him and he was the biggest child.
3 years on and I wouldn't have it any other way. My boys and I do as we please. We have a happy, peaceful life. I used to fantasize about marriage again but that has become a why would I do that when I am so happy on my own kind of feeling now. I can get my craft stuff out all over, watch Netflix all night if I want, see friends when I want and my boys live without the fear of what state their dad will be in. One of my boys remarked that even tho we have less money now he never worries we won't have enough to eat. He knows I put them first. Life is good.
By living a better life and realising it is.
I too have been left with all the responsibility. I have 8 children and 2 still at home. Both are autistic and one will never be independent. Exah has gone off into the sunset doing exactly as he pleases but tbh he pretty much did exactly as he pleased when he was with me. I was angry at first. Angry he has a free life while I have all the stress. However I always did have all the stress. I was a single parent while with him and he was the biggest child.
3 years on and I wouldn't have it any other way. My boys and I do as we please. We have a happy, peaceful life. I used to fantasize about marriage again but that has become a why would I do that when I am so happy on my own kind of feeling now. I can get my craft stuff out all over, watch Netflix all night if I want, see friends when I want and my boys live without the fear of what state their dad will be in. One of my boys remarked that even tho we have less money now he never worries we won't have enough to eat. He knows I put them first. Life is good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your replies. It's lifted some of the weight off of my shoulders knowing that it can be and is much happier without the stress. I'm a very angry mum right now, but I can see that changing without having to live around alcohol and the problems it causes.
I'm sure I will have more questions in the future and am so glad I found this forum.
Better days are coming!
I'm sure I will have more questions in the future and am so glad I found this forum.
Better days are coming!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
My two children are now grown adults.
The only thing I can share is that they grow up really really quickly, so - challenging as this next part of your adventure might be! - pay attention and enjoy this time with your children! You don't regret the time spent with your children after they grow to adults! It was great fun - even when it was super-hard, because kids can be fun!
I think the one who loses out is the parent who leaves & misses all that time spent with the children!
The only thing I can share is that they grow up really really quickly, so - challenging as this next part of your adventure might be! - pay attention and enjoy this time with your children! You don't regret the time spent with your children after they grow to adults! It was great fun - even when it was super-hard, because kids can be fun!
I think the one who loses out is the parent who leaves & misses all that time spent with the children!
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