LexieCat

Like I said, I don't think there's a single one of us who hasn't done it--most of us, repeatedly. It's one of those things we learn as we go along--that it's not a great idea.

qtpi

How do you choose a good lawyer? I do have a financial planner already. All the accounts are understandable by me. There is no debt of any kind.

dandylion

qtpi....I would imagine that a Certified Financial Planner knows some good lawyers that they refer clients to...

qtpi

well. I can call him and ask, but he is my XAH's planner too- as we have a joint account at this point. so i don't know how that would work.

dandylion

Errrrr......then, what about finding your OWN financial planner and have him/her recommend a trusted lawyer?.......

LexieCat

Accountants are also a good source for a referral. If you don't want to use one that you shared, ask one of your friends who uses an accountant (assuming s/he likes the accountant).

hearthealth

Is that what we are striving for a boring life? I already have that.
It's not like I can talk about my major time consumer to most people, including the major time consumer my H.
So what does life look like after the divorce?

sauerkraut

It looks like whatever you make it, HH. I think by "boring" we meant no more chaos caused by someone else's irrational, alcohol-fueled behavior.

I'm not divorced yet, but "separated" life looks like peace, good sleep, laughing with my kids, having energy and enthusiasm for my job again, and being able to hike/read/meditate without someone criticizing me for my choices.

Oh, and the dating scene is kind of interesting, too. Turns out there are a lot of people re-imagining their lives in mid-life, and looking for others to share the journey.

sauerkraut

Qtpi,
I started with yelp and the recommendations of friends. Then I asked the attorneys lots of questions before settling on someone who I felt was going to advocate strongly for me, especially in regards to the safety of my kids.

Also, in my (large) city the family law attorneys know each other, so you can ask them about each other, too.

The initial consultation is often free or low cost. It was interesting to get multiple perspectives on my case.

qtpi

My financial planner has done a good job and I plan to continue using him once the dust settles.

qtpi

The toughest part for me so far has been the attorney question. I interviewed 4 in person and one on the phone. I am divorced now... A little later than I expected and the answer I got was it was family courts error. But there have been small stumbles right along. So I just don't know if I should change attorneys now. In my area the " better rated" ones all charge 200 or more for a consultation. There is no financial formula in my state but if it goes to court the judge considers lifestyle, time I stayed home with children and didn't work, disparities in income, health,etc. Since I am close to retiring ... Well I don't want any more stumbles. And the idea of driving around to different attorneys and paying hundreds of dollars sounds dreadful. Plus I an afraid I will pick someone who won't do a good job because I make a bad choice. Dont have an accountant... And my divorced friends used paid mediators... Worked it out between the two of them.

LexieCat

There's never any guarantee that a lawyer won't make "small stumbles"--those should not affect your case. If they do, and you lose money to any significant degree as a result, you can file a complaint for malpractice. This person knows your case better than anyone else. If you hire someone new, you're also going to be paying them for the time it takes for them to get familiar with your case.

mylifeismine

I got a recommendation for a divorce attorney from an estate/wills/trusts
lawyer at al anon. Yay.

Westexy

Yesterday afternoon we told our son that we are divorcing and he was sad and crying. He didn't want to say anything at that moment, but isolated himself a little to process (which I also do).

However, he came into my room 45 minutes after he went to bed. He was crying and begging me for his dad to stay with us and not move out. It was heartbreaking, but I stayed calm and comforted him. He asked if dad would ever live with us again and I said probably not. Then there was just very sad screaming into his pillow and sobbing. I reminded him just a bit about why it's not healthy for us to all live together and he said he would rather take all the bad and have dad in the house. I told him that I understand and I apologized to him and I calmly and quietly told him a few things that he was not aware of that make it difficult and unsafe for me to live with his dad. And then he was calm almost immediately, still with tears but not breathing hard, and he fell asleep in about five minutes.

I found myself feeling so angry with my hopefully STBxAH, irrationally so, but still angry. That he could choose alcohol over this beautiful boy that loves him so much and would put up with so much horrible behavior just to be with him. Intellectually, I understand why but still...I couldn't sleep last night.

And not to be disappointed by my STBxAH, he of course was drinking and lying about it without my even asking. I sent him an email last night telling him he needs to be out today if he will be drinking, instead of Monday as planned.

Thank you all for your advice through this. It has helped me change my life for the better.

LexieCat

Your son will need some time to process this, and it may take a while. He may seem great for a while and then have a meltdown. It's a grieving process--not that he's losing his dad entirely, but every kid worries about what will happen. Once things settle into a routine, my bet is he will adjust just fine.

Hugs,

SoloMio

Westexy, I still remember with crystal clarity the day my mother told me she and my dad were splitting (because of his drinking). I reacted like your son did. I asked the same question about would they ever get together again. My mother took a different approach, which she probably shouldn't--she said "If Daddy gets better [stops drinking], we'll remarry and you can be my bridesmaid."

Of course, that meant when she remarried a year later, I went through the whole grieving process all over because that was the death knell for my dream of my parents getting back together. I'm sure many others have felt the same way--The Parent Trap was based on those feelings kids have about their parents divorcing and subsequently remarrying!

But please know that I have always said that my mother made the absolutely best decision for our family. I think of my childhood as having two parts "the dark" (prior to the divorce) and "the dawn" (after the divorce).

Just as we only know what we're used to without realizing how much better life can be, kids are the same way. Your son may never tell you he's happy about your decision but you will see it in the way he responds to his new life over time.

CaptainM

sending you and your son hugs, Westexy. I hope this is the beginning of an amazing new chapter for you

Hummer

That must have been so difficult for you and your son - you handled that situation so very well.
Sending you strength, prayers and very best wishes.

LLLisa

Hi Solo

I realise I'm late into this discussion but here's my experience...be careful with options where your AH has input. I'm 2 and a bit years divorced from my XAH and have been separated for nearly 5 years. In my experience when there are options where my XAH has a choice I ALWAYS get blindsided.

For example, if there are choices to be made from a number of options: Number 1 is sensible and Number 2 is risky - my XAH will usually invent, select and go ahead with an option I never even considered which is ALWAYS ridiculous, risky, stupid and dangerous. He ends up in a mess of his own making every single time. Oh and it's ALWAYS my fault...

LLLisa

Aww. Poor darling boy. My youngest was the same. He was nearly 12. Although I didn't get to tell my kids in a calm manner. XAH got wasted, blackout drunk and screamed the house down. Even though we had agreed to tell the kids calmly, XAH drunkenly decided that yelling it to the neighborhood was the best option.

5 years on life is wonderful and my then nearly 12 year old darling is nearly 17 and in his final year of school. He lives with me and his older brother and tells me that he fully understands why we can't be married and why we cannot live with his father.

The worst times now are when the kids travel to visit their father. He always gets totally drunk as soon as the kids arrive and then rants and raves, cries, tells the world what a **** (slovenly, "loose", woman who will sleep with anyone) I am etc. (I'm not by the way I just have a new partner who drinks maybe 3 beers a year and treats me well.