SKEPTICAL

I am traumatized. I am understanding how living with alcholism is by definition a roller coaster of emotions, isn't it? I went to dinner with this guy friend I told you about last night. I invited my husband but he didn't want to go, saying it was too far a drive to my work (a commute I do every day!) So I went without him. I had the best night I have had in a long time. We sat at dinner for two hours and I didn't want to go home. We talked and laughed and I realized what I feel I am most missing is that my husband doesn't want to do anything, even if it is with me. At 7:30 I decided I had to leave because my husband would be upset if I was any later. When I got home my husband was sitting in his chair smoking a bowl. He thinks this is okay since it isn't drinking. He was pouting, but he knew he had made the choice not to go so he didn't get upset. It was a very depressing feeling, knowing that I wasn't missing anything. My husband asked how I often I was going to go to dinner. I said not more than once a month, probably less. He said he likes me to come home. Anyhow, this guy friend wrote me a letter when he got home and sent it to me today as an email attachment. He told me he can't hang out with me anymore because he has fallen in love with me. I felt like crying. Not because we can't hang out, because I know he is right, but because I don't want to be married to this guy sitting in the chair grumpy and smoking a bowl. And at the same time I don't know how to leave. WHen I tell him why I am considering leaving he claims he will change, but I am tired. As for what you guys both said about making friends, I agree completely. I am not yet in school, i applied to the program and it doesn't start until the summer. I think it will allow me to get out at night for classes and meet people, but in the meantime, I don't know how much longer I can feel so sad and lonely.

bunky

Hi Skeptical.

I can identify with so much of what you've posted. I also fear that my relationship with my husband (we've been married 6 years) has always been based on his alcohol and a "parent/child" relationship versus a normal relationship. I did complete a MBA and it didn't change anything. I'd come home after a long day of work and school and he didn't have time to fold laundry, but he did have time to buy a 12 pack and finish half of it.

I also went to dinner with a guy friend a few times. It didn't lead to anything, but it made me feel human again.

I did deliver an ultimatium - go to counseling with me or I'll leave. We're in counseling but he's stubborn and I'm seeing more and more how it's not just the alchol - it's his whole personality.

Anyway, my basic message is that I came to this board looking for insight and I wanted to let you know that your posts seem similar to what I've experienced and felt. I feel the roller coaster and doubts and everything else you're feeling.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Bunky... welcome to the forum!

Skeptical...
Would you now reconsider going to an al-anon meeting? At least you will meet a few people...
Do you like plays? Look up a local community theatre and audition for a part, or volunteer to work backstage.
Take a belly dancing class. Find a crafts class. Join a hiking club? Church choir? Volunteer at a hospital. Register as a tutor. Find something where a group of people are together having fun or accomplishing something and get right in there. They are there because they like meeting people, too.

Smoke

SKEPTICAL

Hi All.

Bunky, thank you for telling me you are in the same boat. You are the first person in my life who is experiencing the same situation as I am. Please keep me updated so I have an idea of what to expect (even though I know everyone is different.)

So, I had a big weekend. Sunday morning I packed up the car with my things and my dog and drove to my friends house. I left a note for my husband telling him that I thought he needed to live alone for awhile and understand what he wants to do for himself instead of what people tell him to do. I left him before noon and cried my eyes out. By 4pm I couldn't take it anymore not knowing how he was reacting to the note so I drove back home. Thankfully he hadn't come home yet and didn't see the note, so I ripped it up. But I kept the car packed and I told him when he came home the same things I had written in the note. He was amazingly unconcerned. He said he will quit drinking, but he doesn't see why I need to leave for him to quit. I re-emphasized the taking care of himself part and he said he agreed and would work on all of these things but he still didn't understand why I needed to leave. I decided that I had not yet given him an ultimatum, so I would settle for giving it to him now. I told him I would stay but if he has another drink I am leaving. He agreed. I stressed that I won't allow him to ask me if its okay to drink or tell me he needs to drink because of something that happened that day. I said I will live with him but he has to quit for himself. He agreed to my terms and then asked if I knew where the AA meetings were being held. I said I could find out. So, thats where I am today. Like Bunky said, i am not sure this will solve all our problems, but I guess it is a start. And yes, smoke, I will consider going to Al-Anon now. I think I will take him to his first couple AA meetings just so I know he is in good hands and then I will opt to go to Al-Anon.

Melly

Hi Skeptical,
Its great that he has agreed to go to AA.
I have been reading your story with interest, and I am wondering--do you think your husband may be suffereing from depression? Has he ever sought treatment for depression? The fact that he is reluctant to socialize or leave home in the evenings sounds like he might have depression.

Hugs,
Melly

SKEPTICAL

Hi Melly,
I didn't think my story was interesting, but thanks for reading :-). I definitely think he is depressed. i think he has some real social phobias and whatnot. I convinced him to go on antidepressants and he was on them for two years, but alcohol just makes it difficult to know what is what. I think he had a bit of ADD as a child and OCD now. (he washes his hands a million times a day and has to triple check the house and his car when we leave to make sure everything is locked and off, etc.) It will be very interesting to me to see how he does simply without alcohol. Then I suppose we may need to add in some antidepressants again. I think there is a lot of hope for his improvement in the future, but I am not sure I want to sacrifice my life to walk him through it all. Its frustrating for me because I know he wouldn't seek help and in a way I am his psychologist. But for me, I am not living my life or having any fun because I am living his life for him. Anyhow, as Smoke ingrained in me, one day at a time I guess.

goodsearch

thanks, ladies. I just "happened" across your discussion today - and it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. Of course i don't believe for a moment that it was an accident, it was a God thing for me.

i've been in al-anon for a few years, but like some of the rest of you, i keep thinking that my husband of 5 years will somehow become a "whole" (translated: normal) person if i just hang in there and love him enough. when i detach, i feel guilty and selfish; so i go back to caretaking. sigh. will i ever learn?

the past few days i have been looking for a direction to take - searching for a message from my higher power. ya'll are it. god bless all of you... now i know what i have to do.

marie.

SKEPTICAL

Hi Marie,

I am happy my struggle is helpful to others. I'd like to know how it goes for you.

gailc57

Hi Skeptical,

I have read your story, and am very interested. I like you have an alcoholic husband. I have 3 sons with him and have been married for 24 1/2 years. I wish I had had the guts to leave before the kids were born. Not that I don't love my sons, but they deserved to have a father who was active in their lives. He won't go to their sports games, (no booze), he wants to control them and I have to be the buffer to stop arguments.

We were seperated 2 times in 2 years and I wasn't lucky enough to meet anyone, probably because I still loved him. The only offers I got were from married men!!!!!
We got back together but the drinking is still here. He does mainly drink beer. He was drinking whiskey and he did stop that. He admits that it was a good thing. We don't socialize very much either. My friends do come over. When he just goes to bed because he is "tired" they just know it's him and not us. He is a hard worker and he does provide for us. But like you it would be nice to have a social life. We don't see either side of the family very often (he holds grudges)and that can be hard. I do have friends though and that helps a lot.

I hope you let him go and get on with your life now!!!!! Take it from me after taking care of everyone and everything for 25 years you lose sight of who you are and what you want to do. When he does finally ask me what I want to do I say nothing. When there is something I really want to do he usually says no I don't want to do that.
I have a time table too in my brain. I figure when my youngest graduates from high school I will have a life again.

I hope it helps to know someone else is in your shoes. The only problem is I have stayed and it probably wasn't the right thing to do.

Good luck,

gailc57

rkr

Hi,
I am also new to this site and have been looking for a group to converse with about the very same issue, except I have been married to the "problem" for over 38 years! Last year was a breaking point for us and possibly our marriage. However, I am committed to my husband and do love him. He has been sober since last August. Yes, after all these years...sober. He's situation was so bad with drinking and driving that he totaled two cars within and hour and a half and then almost ran over me as he tried to leave home with our third car! He went to an intensive program on an out-patient basis and attended group meetings for 6 months. Now he sees a counselor once a week. He is still sober...but there are still many other issues. As the therapy continues there are many more layers uncovered...some not so pleasant. So the question is....."After all the layers are peeled away, do you still like what's underneath?" If your answer is yes, then go to counseling for yourself. Ask him to go as well. If he won't, then still go yourself. You need to take care of yourself first. Counseling will guide you and help you to find the right answer for you and your situation. I wish you the best. It's not an easy road, especially when you really and truly love the person who needs the help. Write again. I'd like to walk this rough road with you.
Take Care,
K



Hello Everyone.
I am new to this site and very pleased to find it. I have been told by a number of people that I should attend Al-Anon to answer my question but I guess I feel I want to have the support without my husband knowing I am seeking it right now. I can tell by reading all the threads that everyone is supportive and caring, I just hope I can find some direction. Here is my deal; I have been married for four years. My husband has been relying on booze for all his emotional needs since he was in high school. He loves me more than anything in this world and knows he has a problem. Last year he told me that he needed to quit, but after 6 weeks of sobriety he decided he would prefer to cut down instead. Obviously he was unsuccessful in cutting down and now drinks almost every night. For the first time ever since I met him, I told him last week that I was not happy with his drinking. He is a wonderful intelligent warm etc. person when he drinks but is irritable and impatient when he doesn't. I told him I don't even like being with him when he isn't drinking. I did not ask him to quit or give him an ultimatum, but he decided he needs to quit. He doesn't want me to leave and he understands I am not happy. Furthermore, he said he wants me to leave if he is not successful in quitting. The problem is that within 24 hours of this decision he decided he wants to try to cut down again. I reminded him that he was unsuccessful last time but ultimately the decision is up to him. I have already decided that when he realizes he can't cut down, he will have to try to quit. Then if he can't quit, i will have to leave. I am heartbroken about this because I know how much he loves me and I know how much he wants to make me happy but I also know how addicted he is. He does not want to go to AA and obviously I can't make him. What I guess I want to know is if anyone has any advice on what I can do to help him be his best self. Right now I feel confident he cannot give up drinking and that I will break his heart when I leave. I am also in my head thinking I am going to give him until I graduate from the MBA program (3 years from now). I don't want him to know I am pessimistic but I am sad for him that this fate most likely awaits him. Does anyone have any suggestions?[

Loulouise

((((((((Skeptical))))))

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

You can work on you and only you.

How many ways can we enable an A, I can't even count them all.

Prays for you to find strength in the journey to get yourself well, also strength for your husband to do the same.

Hugs and Prayers,
Loulouise

denny57

Welcome, RKR

Did you want to start a new thread? This is an old post from 2001.

meli2005

Sounds like he is still in a lot of denial. That denial is really tough to break through. I can't tell you how long it will take. It is not unusual for alcoholics to try "controlled drinking" in the early days. They talk about this in the BIG Book. Does he has a copy of AA's big book? That might be something good for him to read. Also, you could encourage him to see a counselor, go to one that specializes in addictions.


To stay sober, he neesd to work a program like AA.

Please do not give up on him, he didn't get this sick in his disease overnight and he probably will not get well overnight.

Also, I would encourage you to see a counselor, one that specializes in addictions. I have done this and found it VERY helpful.

Going to an inpatient rehab might also be another good tool for him.

Right now, work on you. Try an Alanon meeting. Give yoruself time to make a decision.

Mostly, I think the most effective thing is the alcoholic has to see negative consequences of his actions. Hey maybe you leaving will be the answer. i made my spouse move out when he refused to stop drinking. He said he was so lonely, he hated it. Tell him he cannot drink in the house anymore, he must got to a motel or at least sleep in a seperate bed.

I hope this helps.

meli2005

Yes, living with an alcoholic is a roller coaster ride, a very unpleasant, esp if they are not in recovery.

Hey, he wants you to stay home to be locked in his misery. Don't buy into it. Keep going out and enjoy yourself. Find some other friends to go out with who are not attracted to you.

The alcoholic loses all dreams/goals. Becomes depressed. Don't go down that road with him/