Help in Forming Response to Alcoholic/Depressed Brother Who Keeps Asking for Money
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ophelia....I DO understand how heart wrenching this is for you.....I know that I would feel the same way.....
I think whatever you do say will be o.k. I would say that writing as much ...or, as little..as you feel right about saying, would be the thing to do.
How about writing it out on paper...and then sleeping on it, overnight?
that is what I do when I am very uncertain about something....sometimes, things look different in the morning.....
I think whatever you do say will be o.k. I would say that writing as much ...or, as little..as you feel right about saying, would be the thing to do.
How about writing it out on paper...and then sleeping on it, overnight?
that is what I do when I am very uncertain about something....sometimes, things look different in the morning.....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Ok, I'm going to take a stab at something here that I hope you are able to hear with love & respect. I've gone back & read this thread twice in addition to some of your other posting history for a frame of reference.
I don't think this is about money at all; I think this issue is all about Resentments.
I think you are fully aware of how Recovery is a choice & a possibility for everyone & are judging him for not making that choice. I think you don't really have an issue saying No to him but are looking for a way to express to him how Not-OK you are with his life decisions & especially his habit of taking advantage of your loved ones.
I think you might even be a touch angry, deep down, that your mother "allows" this behavior in him in ways she would never accept from you - or in ways you would never consider asking. It IS infuriating to many of us how easily it seems for the addicts in our lives to take, take, take with what seems like complete disregard for every other person in their path. It can be easy to forget that those same people have every ability to lay down firmer boundaries of their own.
It sounds like the last couple of months have been a little rough for you as well & maybe you are a bit more sensitive to this issue than normal because of that?
All that said, I do understand why you are upset, I'm just inviting you to re-examine the root of it all. It's like I tell DD all the time - it's so easy to cross that line from Right to Self-Righteous, be mindful of which side you are standing on.
I don't think this is about money at all; I think this issue is all about Resentments.
I think you are fully aware of how Recovery is a choice & a possibility for everyone & are judging him for not making that choice. I think you don't really have an issue saying No to him but are looking for a way to express to him how Not-OK you are with his life decisions & especially his habit of taking advantage of your loved ones.
I think you might even be a touch angry, deep down, that your mother "allows" this behavior in him in ways she would never accept from you - or in ways you would never consider asking. It IS infuriating to many of us how easily it seems for the addicts in our lives to take, take, take with what seems like complete disregard for every other person in their path. It can be easy to forget that those same people have every ability to lay down firmer boundaries of their own.
It sounds like the last couple of months have been a little rough for you as well & maybe you are a bit more sensitive to this issue than normal because of that?
All that said, I do understand why you are upset, I'm just inviting you to re-examine the root of it all. It's like I tell DD all the time - it's so easy to cross that line from Right to Self-Righteous, be mindful of which side you are standing on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: North East
Posts: 621
Ophelia
I have the exact situation with my brother....he is going to be 64 years old this year and it has been an on going problem. He has been getting assistance and on Obama care and any money he gets is spent on booze and drugs.
When Trump got into office he called me in a drunken rage ......obviously hes upset because his assistance will be shut off....oh and its my fault because I voted for Trump.
He called me 19 times on new years eve drunk leaving messages on my voicemail irate messages. I don't answer anymore.
Its called tough love I don't help him anymore AND my mother doesn't either....i told her not to.
He's been a problem since day one I have terrible memories in my childhood.....hes 8 years older than me.
Hes very selfish and only thinks of himself...narcissistic.
Its sad but, its reality.
I have the exact situation with my brother....he is going to be 64 years old this year and it has been an on going problem. He has been getting assistance and on Obama care and any money he gets is spent on booze and drugs.
When Trump got into office he called me in a drunken rage ......obviously hes upset because his assistance will be shut off....oh and its my fault because I voted for Trump.
He called me 19 times on new years eve drunk leaving messages on my voicemail irate messages. I don't answer anymore.
Its called tough love I don't help him anymore AND my mother doesn't either....i told her not to.
He's been a problem since day one I have terrible memories in my childhood.....hes 8 years older than me.
Hes very selfish and only thinks of himself...narcissistic.
Its sad but, its reality.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: North East
Posts: 621
Originally Posted by RevivingOphelia 
No, I think he has not been judged harshly enough, and I think he has been coddled far too much by my mother. I am as progressive as they come and have zero issues with my high tax bracket helping others; however, he is definitely one of those people who have used the system to his advantage and has put no effort getting healthier and getting off welfare. The reason he's on disability is b/c it's easier to stay on it and 'get by' even if that means having his mother buy his groceries, do his laundry, and ask his sister for money. He's physically able to work; for years he has been physically able to go out to the pub. He has let the 'system' take care of his immediate needs and it has fostered dependency. He doesn't even help my own mother out. He doesn't even volunteer. I hate to say it but he's one of the ones we know our tax dollars are being used to support a person who SHOULD be contributing and not using the system--especially after ten years.
Mom has to stop....... he needs to learn the hard way
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Ok, I'm going to take a stab at something here that I hope you are able to hear with love & respect. I've gone back & read this thread twice in addition to some of your other posting history for a frame of reference.
I don't think this is about money at all; I think this issue is all about Resentments.
I think you are fully aware of how Recovery is a choice & a possibility for everyone & are judging him for not making that choice. I think you don't really have an issue saying No to him but are looking for a way to express to him how Not-OK you are with his life decisions & especially his habit of taking advantage of your loved ones.
I think you might even be a touch angry, deep down, that your mother "allows" this behavior in him in ways she would never accept from you - or in ways you would never consider asking. It IS infuriating to many of us how easily it seems for the addicts in our lives to take, take, take with what seems like complete disregard for every other person in their path. It can be easy to forget that those same people have every ability to lay down firmer boundaries of their own.
It sounds like the last couple of months have been a little rough for you as well & maybe you are a bit more sensitive to this issue than normal because of that?
All that said, I do understand why you are upset, I'm just inviting you to re-examine the root of it all. It's like I tell DD all the time - it's so easy to cross that line from Right to Self-Righteous, be mindful of which side you are standing on.
I don't think this is about money at all; I think this issue is all about Resentments.
I think you are fully aware of how Recovery is a choice & a possibility for everyone & are judging him for not making that choice. I think you don't really have an issue saying No to him but are looking for a way to express to him how Not-OK you are with his life decisions & especially his habit of taking advantage of your loved ones.
I think you might even be a touch angry, deep down, that your mother "allows" this behavior in him in ways she would never accept from you - or in ways you would never consider asking. It IS infuriating to many of us how easily it seems for the addicts in our lives to take, take, take with what seems like complete disregard for every other person in their path. It can be easy to forget that those same people have every ability to lay down firmer boundaries of their own.
It sounds like the last couple of months have been a little rough for you as well & maybe you are a bit more sensitive to this issue than normal because of that?
All that said, I do understand why you are upset, I'm just inviting you to re-examine the root of it all. It's like I tell DD all the time - it's so easy to cross that line from Right to Self-Righteous, be mindful of which side you are standing on.
Definitely resentful and definitely sensitive.
I haven't responded to him and haven't heard back from him.
Also, I do have issues saying "NO" to people. Something I need to work on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I hear ya on a couple of levels. I have a brother who has been alcoholic since he was 13 years old, and he's 59 now. He has never had a "real" job--I can't remember when he last got a paycheck, actually. Luckily for him, he's been able to take advantage of the system because he served in the army and has VA benefits (they actually kicked him out because of alcoholism, but they still gave him an honorable discharge--go figure--but it's kept him alive). He also has SSDI, which he lives off of.
When he's living in a residential half-way house (as he is now), he's great, but every 6 or 7 months he gets tired of living normally and leaves his residence, which he is so darn lucky to get and there's never a guarantee that he'll be able to get back in the system--and he goes on a bender until he nearly kills himself.
That's when I have historically stepped in and gotten him a flight home so he could get back into rehab, simply because I couldn't stand it if he asked me for help to go back to program and I refused and he wound up dying. Yes, I know.. enabling.. but I, too, have a really difficult time saying no.
And he has a really difficult time accepting no. One time I just had had it--he called me up and asked me for $100. I had no money, and I went into an angry diatribe about how I was waiting for checks from my client, I had no assurance I'd be able to pay my mortgage, I had cut all discretionary spending, I'm hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.. blah blah blah.. . When I finished with this rant, there was silence for about 5 seconds and then he asked, "Well, then could you give me $50?"
I clearly should have just said no, right at the beginning.
Then there's BIL, who is not alcoholic, but he lived with his mother until she died in 2010 (he's now 54), and she paid for EVERYTHING--as a result he never developed job skills or a work ethic, he spent her money lavishly, and when she died and left him a modest inheritance, he blew through it. Now he's crying the blues and he comes over and mooches without asking.
I, too, am progressive, but my own family keeps sending me signals that I should be a libertarian or a fiscal conservative, and tie a tourniquet around my bleeding liberal heart.
"God bless the child that's got his own" keeps echoing in my head.
Anyway, long way to getting around to your issue. Recognize that just because it's hard to say no doesn't mean you shouldn't say no. If he had a serious medical need, then maybe you could think about it, but dollars to donuts he's just using your money to fill voids created by his own drinking.
When he's living in a residential half-way house (as he is now), he's great, but every 6 or 7 months he gets tired of living normally and leaves his residence, which he is so darn lucky to get and there's never a guarantee that he'll be able to get back in the system--and he goes on a bender until he nearly kills himself.
That's when I have historically stepped in and gotten him a flight home so he could get back into rehab, simply because I couldn't stand it if he asked me for help to go back to program and I refused and he wound up dying. Yes, I know.. enabling.. but I, too, have a really difficult time saying no.
And he has a really difficult time accepting no. One time I just had had it--he called me up and asked me for $100. I had no money, and I went into an angry diatribe about how I was waiting for checks from my client, I had no assurance I'd be able to pay my mortgage, I had cut all discretionary spending, I'm hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.. blah blah blah.. . When I finished with this rant, there was silence for about 5 seconds and then he asked, "Well, then could you give me $50?"
I clearly should have just said no, right at the beginning.
Then there's BIL, who is not alcoholic, but he lived with his mother until she died in 2010 (he's now 54), and she paid for EVERYTHING--as a result he never developed job skills or a work ethic, he spent her money lavishly, and when she died and left him a modest inheritance, he blew through it. Now he's crying the blues and he comes over and mooches without asking.
I, too, am progressive, but my own family keeps sending me signals that I should be a libertarian or a fiscal conservative, and tie a tourniquet around my bleeding liberal heart.
"God bless the child that's got his own" keeps echoing in my head.
Anyway, long way to getting around to your issue. Recognize that just because it's hard to say no doesn't mean you shouldn't say no. If he had a serious medical need, then maybe you could think about it, but dollars to donuts he's just using your money to fill voids created by his own drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by RevivingOphelia
Why does everyone have to tiptoe around it/him? I don't think anyone has said to him that he could have gotten it together a long time ago and no one is buying his "but I'm not drinking" story. I don't think anyone has said to get your sh*t together, get sober, get a life.
AXH has now heard that the problem is his drinking and using from me (when I was still his wife), his sister and brother-in-law, the judge that presided over our divorce and custody hearings, at least one mutual friend, and at least one GF who kicked his backside out of her home. Hearing it from friends, family, or current loved ones didn't change his mindset.
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