How to Handle Meeting the New Girlfriend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
How to Handle Meeting the New Girlfriend
Hello friends! I am in need of some ESH.
As many of you know, I have been seeing my "gentleman friend" for a year or so (STBXAH and I split up at the end of the summer in 2015). STBXAH and I have had our ups and downs, but have, generally speaking, gotten along reasonably well when it comes to co-parenting our 6-year-old son.
STBXAH did not meet my gentleman friend until last summer; well past the time when we admittedly had both agreed we would introduce new relationships to the other parent (meaning, we had agreed to introduce anyone new to the other parent, before the new person began spending a lot of time with our DS). I have totally owned my wrongness in that, and apologized. When STBXAH and my gentleman friend finally did meet, STBXAH was his usual ridiculous, posturing, macho self. My gentleman friend was neither intimidated nor impressed, and they have not spoken to each other since that one meeting.
Now STBXAH has a girlfriend. Apart from the mixed feelings one has about anybody new being subjected to the crap I experienced, I am hugely glad and relieved that there is someone new to divert his attention away from me. Selfish, I know. STBXAH is being a pretty big jerk about me meeting this woman, first insisting that they are "just friends," then basically saying "well, I didn't meet your gentleman friend for a long time, so THERE."
I'm not yet willing to die on the hill over the issue of meeting her RIGHT NOW, but assuming their relationship survives another month or so, I will be meeting her sooner or later. I have no desire whatsoever to behave the way my STBXAH behaved. I simply want to meet this woman, make sure she does not have the physical appearance so common in our area amongst hardcore alcoholics or drug addicts, and put a name to a face. It's not a power play, or a meeting to assert my dominance *cough* STBXAH *cough*. My first husband has not had a single relationship that I (or our daughters) know about since that divorce, so this is new territory for me. Is there anything I should be doing or saying in this situation? Pitfalls? Glaring red flags that I might miss?
As many of you know, I have been seeing my "gentleman friend" for a year or so (STBXAH and I split up at the end of the summer in 2015). STBXAH and I have had our ups and downs, but have, generally speaking, gotten along reasonably well when it comes to co-parenting our 6-year-old son.
STBXAH did not meet my gentleman friend until last summer; well past the time when we admittedly had both agreed we would introduce new relationships to the other parent (meaning, we had agreed to introduce anyone new to the other parent, before the new person began spending a lot of time with our DS). I have totally owned my wrongness in that, and apologized. When STBXAH and my gentleman friend finally did meet, STBXAH was his usual ridiculous, posturing, macho self. My gentleman friend was neither intimidated nor impressed, and they have not spoken to each other since that one meeting.
Now STBXAH has a girlfriend. Apart from the mixed feelings one has about anybody new being subjected to the crap I experienced, I am hugely glad and relieved that there is someone new to divert his attention away from me. Selfish, I know. STBXAH is being a pretty big jerk about me meeting this woman, first insisting that they are "just friends," then basically saying "well, I didn't meet your gentleman friend for a long time, so THERE."
I'm not yet willing to die on the hill over the issue of meeting her RIGHT NOW, but assuming their relationship survives another month or so, I will be meeting her sooner or later. I have no desire whatsoever to behave the way my STBXAH behaved. I simply want to meet this woman, make sure she does not have the physical appearance so common in our area amongst hardcore alcoholics or drug addicts, and put a name to a face. It's not a power play, or a meeting to assert my dominance *cough* STBXAH *cough*. My first husband has not had a single relationship that I (or our daughters) know about since that divorce, so this is new territory for me. Is there anything I should be doing or saying in this situation? Pitfalls? Glaring red flags that I might miss?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest being pleasant, maybe repeating something nice your son has said about her (if anything), and avoid anything that looks like nosiness (e.g., what she does for a living--unless you already know and it's something you can converse about, what her family is like, where she went to school). If you can sincerely thank her for something she did for/with your son, do that. Remember, she's at least as nervous about meeting you, most likely.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
when I have to met the new wife.. I remind her that he has trouble remembering the wife of 18 years 4 children and that means a lot of sex back when we were young.. and my ex Mother in law still likes me better.. bat my ears and punch him in the arm... watch him winch with pain and I ask so hows trix ahahahhaahhah he is lost.. my kids tell me Pop is loosing his mind all he does is complain about to many mushrooms on dinners.. new wife does not cook.... hahahahah babe hang in there and watch the fun.... I do .. Merry Christmas hugs from another ex of life and kids and run run run. find some great chocolates and just toss it off. hug your kids for that is the reason you got together to start with... love my 3 with all my being.. would not change a thing for without them Life would be so empty.. ardy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Echoing Lexie's advice here. She's likely as nervous as you are about the potential meeting, if not more so.
I had to interact directly with my husband's ex-wife for the first time when her children moved into my home. Up until then, I was pretty sure she hated me, and in fact she may have. But that afternoon, she came to pick up the kids, and I invited her to see the construction that was happening on their rooms. She seemed very surprised at the friendly gesture, and was highly complimentary of the work that we were doing in turn.
Beyond that, I spent the better part of a year saying nothing negative about her, and instead highlighting her positives (and specifically the things I knew she valued) - e.g. "It's so great that your mom does X for a living; it takes a strong person to do that job, and it's so important to our society that someone does."
We aren't friends, but we ARE friendly - most of the time. When we aren't, the kids feel it in a major way. She taxes our patience regularly, but we've come to understand that it is important to maintain that civil level of interaction for their sakes.
Keeping things focused on your son - and not branching too far from that - is great advice.
And thinking about timing and manner of meeting as it relates to what is best for HIM versus best for YOU might be a good way to think about positioning the ask to your ask. It's going to make your son much more comfortable and likely to be open to a positive relationship with the girlfriend if he doesn't have to worry about being "disloyal" to you.
I had to interact directly with my husband's ex-wife for the first time when her children moved into my home. Up until then, I was pretty sure she hated me, and in fact she may have. But that afternoon, she came to pick up the kids, and I invited her to see the construction that was happening on their rooms. She seemed very surprised at the friendly gesture, and was highly complimentary of the work that we were doing in turn.
Beyond that, I spent the better part of a year saying nothing negative about her, and instead highlighting her positives (and specifically the things I knew she valued) - e.g. "It's so great that your mom does X for a living; it takes a strong person to do that job, and it's so important to our society that someone does."
We aren't friends, but we ARE friendly - most of the time. When we aren't, the kids feel it in a major way. She taxes our patience regularly, but we've come to understand that it is important to maintain that civil level of interaction for their sakes.
Keeping things focused on your son - and not branching too far from that - is great advice.
And thinking about timing and manner of meeting as it relates to what is best for HIM versus best for YOU might be a good way to think about positioning the ask to your ask. It's going to make your son much more comfortable and likely to be open to a positive relationship with the girlfriend if he doesn't have to worry about being "disloyal" to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Thanks so much for the feedback, guys! I am very much in the camp of "the more love this kid has around him, the better." I think the fact that I put A LOT of effort into maintaining a cooperative relationship with STBXAH says a lot about how I would treat a serious girlfriend or new wife. I have zero...absolutely zero...desire for conflict or drama, and my plan is to approach the whole thing hoping for the absolute very best.
When STBXAH met my guy, he was awful. Horrible. But honestly, it was basically what I expected. I'm a firm believer in "when they go low, I go high." At least, as much as I can. STBXAH can be as big of a jerk about my relationship as he wants to be--I will not stoop to that level, and my hope is that, at the very least, we can all get along just fine. That is, after all, what would be best for DS. Assuming, of course, that the new girlfriend isn't a raging alcoholic herself...
When STBXAH met my guy, he was awful. Horrible. But honestly, it was basically what I expected. I'm a firm believer in "when they go low, I go high." At least, as much as I can. STBXAH can be as big of a jerk about my relationship as he wants to be--I will not stoop to that level, and my hope is that, at the very least, we can all get along just fine. That is, after all, what would be best for DS. Assuming, of course, that the new girlfriend isn't a raging alcoholic herself...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
my daughter's dad, 1st ex, moved in with my "best friend" so that was awkward. best i could do was be civil, we were NEVER going to be friends again, but were all in it for the long haul and she was good to my daughter.
i had to go to Wally World today and was witness to a seriously awful, awkward interchange between two parents with the child present. mom and son (about 8??) were shopping, and "dad" snuck around behind the rows and tried to surprise/scare the kid. the boy was NOT pleased....and mom was just livid.
so then the dad goes on about can't we both be in the same place with our son? you're the mom and i'm the what? mom wasn't playing. along. so he repeated it again and again. meanwhile the kid is up against his mom with his back to his dad. it went on and on....i just wanted to get hank's asthma meds and LEAVE.
i felt awful for that poor kid. that dad "forced" him to choose, in a way. and the boy wanted NOTHING to do with his dad in that setting.
my advice? don't do that. don't be them. paste a friggin' smile on your face, and extend your hand and say nice to meet you. and play nice with the ex to the best of your ability, at least in front of the boy. don't give him a walmart christmas memory................
i had to go to Wally World today and was witness to a seriously awful, awkward interchange between two parents with the child present. mom and son (about 8??) were shopping, and "dad" snuck around behind the rows and tried to surprise/scare the kid. the boy was NOT pleased....and mom was just livid.
so then the dad goes on about can't we both be in the same place with our son? you're the mom and i'm the what? mom wasn't playing. along. so he repeated it again and again. meanwhile the kid is up against his mom with his back to his dad. it went on and on....i just wanted to get hank's asthma meds and LEAVE.
i felt awful for that poor kid. that dad "forced" him to choose, in a way. and the boy wanted NOTHING to do with his dad in that setting.
my advice? don't do that. don't be them. paste a friggin' smile on your face, and extend your hand and say nice to meet you. and play nice with the ex to the best of your ability, at least in front of the boy. don't give him a walmart christmas memory................
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
