Alcoholic Husband Blames Me....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 5
Alcoholic Husband Blames Me....
Married for over 35 years. Two grown children.
Husband retired. He's been an alcoholic for at least 15 years, but he only admits to about 10 years or less.
To tell you the truth, I don't know when he became an alcoholic. He would rarely drink during the day or work hours. He'd often drink to "fall asleep". Because of that, I often fell asleep well before he did. He'd hide booze in his closet (totally unknown to me for a long time) and chug booze to get to sleep.
He's forever been overly-emotional, overly-reactive, hot-tempered, and illogical when upset. In fact, his first therapist told us that "when Bob gets upset, logic goes right out the window." And that is very true.
(I am posting this even tho it's not complete because I don't see a "draft option". I will finish this later.)
Husband retired. He's been an alcoholic for at least 15 years, but he only admits to about 10 years or less.
To tell you the truth, I don't know when he became an alcoholic. He would rarely drink during the day or work hours. He'd often drink to "fall asleep". Because of that, I often fell asleep well before he did. He'd hide booze in his closet (totally unknown to me for a long time) and chug booze to get to sleep.
He's forever been overly-emotional, overly-reactive, hot-tempered, and illogical when upset. In fact, his first therapist told us that "when Bob gets upset, logic goes right out the window." And that is very true.
(I am posting this even tho it's not complete because I don't see a "draft option". I will finish this later.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 5
Married for about 35 years. Two grown children who have been out of the house for about 6-8 years.
Husband (H) retired. He's been an alcoholic for at least 15 years, but he only admits to about 10 years or less.
To tell you the truth, I don't know when he became an alcoholic. He would rarely drink during the day or work hours.
But sometime around year 20 of our marriage, he began drinking, without my knowledge, late at night to "fall asleep". Because of that, I often fell asleep well before he did and had no idea he was drinking.
We had a liquor cabinet that I rarely went to, and therefore was not tracking. At some point, I went to the cabinet and found out that several of the bottles in there were empty or near empty.
H was able to "cover up" about that because he knew I had no idea what the time period he had been hitting the liquor cabinet. Was it 3 months? Was it 6 months? Was it 2 years? Obviously, if it was over a 2 year period, going thru a few bottles wouldn't be too alarming. He just said that every once in awhile he'd have a drink to relax to get to sleep. I didn't know what to think, but I went ahead and removed the remaining unopened bottles and hid them. Again, at this point I had been married to him for 20 years and had rarely seen him drink. And, I had NEVER seen him drunk or even tipsy!
(This was about 14 years ago when I had rarely ever seen him drink AT ALL.)
Seriously! For the first 20+ years of our marriage, if we went out to dinner and I'd order a glass of wine, my H would order a soda. Same thing when we'd go to a party. I'd have a glass of wine, he'd have soda. Occasionally, while at home, he'd have a glass of wine with me. (This is why it was shocking to all of us when we later learned that he had become an alcoholic!)
Well, after he "found" the bottles that I had hid and drank them, I told him that I thought he had a drinking problem. Of course, he denied it. Obviously, I didn't bring any more liquor into the house.
After that, he began hiding booze in his closet or briefcase(totally unknown to me for a VERY long time) and chug booze to get to sleep.
He's forever been overly-emotional, overly-reactive, hot-tempered, and illogical when upset. In fact, his first therapist told us that "when Bob gets upset, logic goes right out the window." And that is very true.
H was always quick-tempered and he'd rage when angry, but his raging got worse, much worse and more often, around the 20th year of our marriage. In hindsight, that was when he began drinking, but again, I didn't know it at the time. The anger bouts were just more frequent, more intense, and lasted much longer.
It got to the point that we had to stop socializing with others because H refused to "put a good face on" in public. Instead, he'd say that I deserved to be embarrassed. It never dawned on him that other couples don't display their private disagreements in public. Other people will put a good face on in public, even if they just had a disagreement 15 minutes earlier. For instance, if he was annoyed at me for something MINOR, if we went to church, he'd purposely sit in another row. Of course other people noticed that! After that, I stopped going to church with him.
His drinking came to a head one night about 7 years ago when I was taking a bath around midnight and he asked when I was coming to bed because he wanted some romance. I said, "10 minutes." I quickly finished and got into bed. He was snoring and appeared to be in a DEEP sleep. I thought that was strange, but shrugged it off because it was midnight after all.
Around 3 am I hear a THUD. I find H on the floor by the bed, not moving. I try to wake him, but can't. I thought he had a stroke or heart attack! Again, I had no idea that he had had ANYTHING to drink. (I didn't know at that point he was now hiding liquor in his closet)
So, I called 911. The paramedics asked me if he had been drinking and I said, "no." Because I really didn't think he had been drinking! At the hospital, again I was asked and gave the same answer. Imagine my humiliation when the blood tests came back showing that he was REALLY drunk. I had never seen H drunk before! He was still not awake, but an IV was helping sober him up.
Several hours later, we got to leave. In the car, I broke down crying and telling him how scared I was, only to find out that he was DRUNK! I asked him, "how did this happen? You asked me when I was coming to bed and then several minutes later you were deep asleep!" He told me that while I was in the tub he had been chugging gin! WTH??? Where was the gin, I asked. He told me he had hidden it in his closet.
Sure, after that he swore off drinking, but we all know how that goes.
Fast forward to now....he's been thru rehab, and immediately began drinking again after he got out.
He regularly blames me for his alcoholism. Our kids don't like him much. One child hasn't spoken to him or seen him in 4 years after they had a huge argument (H's fault, totally!). The other child tolerates him and is pleasant to him, but is disgusted by him, his drinking, and his temper.
Because of his damaged relationship with our children, H blames me for that. He says that I haven't been loyal to him, and that I haven't defended him. I know that some spouses lie and cover-up for their alcoholic spouses, but I don't. And that angers him. He thinks that a loyal and good spouse would protect and lie for him. Our kids have seen too much of his anger and rages for me to be foolish enough to lie for him. They'd see right thru it, if I had tried that.
So, he blames me for his drinking. He blames me for his poor relationship with our kids.
Now, he more regularly gets drunk and I see him drunk. He still does his drinking secretly, but he's less discreet because during the evening he'll be visually intoxicated. He'll begin drinking around 5 or 6 or 7 pm and be visibly intoxicated shortly thereafter. This behavior has been going on for about 4 years. It's not every night, but it's virtually every time something "stressful" happens....like when his Cubbies were playing in the World Series. Even after they would win, H would be stressed and get drunk. Or, if he gets a flat tire, or there was a line at the store, or the pharmacy took too long to get his Rx, or one of the pets did something. Anything stressful.
Why do I stay? Because of the financial devastation that would occur if I left. We're in our 60s and semi-retired now, living mostly on his good pension, but it's still not enough for us to live on, and NOT nearly enough to split for two households. I have a small business that H helps with, but it only helps up make ends meet. Again, not enough income coming in to split and support two households. And, my insurance is thru his retirement. I'd have none if we split up. And, an attorney told me that because of H's many medical and prescription needs, his pension would probably not get split 50/50 because he can't work and he couldn't live on half and be able to pay for his medical costs.
Anyway...there's another point I want to mention and get some feedback... H likes to claim that because when our kids were still home and he was only drinking late at night, that I and they were not affected at all by his drinking. He claims that when he woke up the next morning, he'd be sober and therefore it bothered no one.
I say that his mood and temper would still be affected the following day.
H thinks that once a person has processed the alcohol out of one's blood that there are no other after-affects. And no affects on one's mood/temper.
What do you say?
Husband (H) retired. He's been an alcoholic for at least 15 years, but he only admits to about 10 years or less.
To tell you the truth, I don't know when he became an alcoholic. He would rarely drink during the day or work hours.
But sometime around year 20 of our marriage, he began drinking, without my knowledge, late at night to "fall asleep". Because of that, I often fell asleep well before he did and had no idea he was drinking.
We had a liquor cabinet that I rarely went to, and therefore was not tracking. At some point, I went to the cabinet and found out that several of the bottles in there were empty or near empty.
H was able to "cover up" about that because he knew I had no idea what the time period he had been hitting the liquor cabinet. Was it 3 months? Was it 6 months? Was it 2 years? Obviously, if it was over a 2 year period, going thru a few bottles wouldn't be too alarming. He just said that every once in awhile he'd have a drink to relax to get to sleep. I didn't know what to think, but I went ahead and removed the remaining unopened bottles and hid them. Again, at this point I had been married to him for 20 years and had rarely seen him drink. And, I had NEVER seen him drunk or even tipsy!
(This was about 14 years ago when I had rarely ever seen him drink AT ALL.)
Seriously! For the first 20+ years of our marriage, if we went out to dinner and I'd order a glass of wine, my H would order a soda. Same thing when we'd go to a party. I'd have a glass of wine, he'd have soda. Occasionally, while at home, he'd have a glass of wine with me. (This is why it was shocking to all of us when we later learned that he had become an alcoholic!)
Well, after he "found" the bottles that I had hid and drank them, I told him that I thought he had a drinking problem. Of course, he denied it. Obviously, I didn't bring any more liquor into the house.
After that, he began hiding booze in his closet or briefcase(totally unknown to me for a VERY long time) and chug booze to get to sleep.
He's forever been overly-emotional, overly-reactive, hot-tempered, and illogical when upset. In fact, his first therapist told us that "when Bob gets upset, logic goes right out the window." And that is very true.
H was always quick-tempered and he'd rage when angry, but his raging got worse, much worse and more often, around the 20th year of our marriage. In hindsight, that was when he began drinking, but again, I didn't know it at the time. The anger bouts were just more frequent, more intense, and lasted much longer.
It got to the point that we had to stop socializing with others because H refused to "put a good face on" in public. Instead, he'd say that I deserved to be embarrassed. It never dawned on him that other couples don't display their private disagreements in public. Other people will put a good face on in public, even if they just had a disagreement 15 minutes earlier. For instance, if he was annoyed at me for something MINOR, if we went to church, he'd purposely sit in another row. Of course other people noticed that! After that, I stopped going to church with him.
His drinking came to a head one night about 7 years ago when I was taking a bath around midnight and he asked when I was coming to bed because he wanted some romance. I said, "10 minutes." I quickly finished and got into bed. He was snoring and appeared to be in a DEEP sleep. I thought that was strange, but shrugged it off because it was midnight after all.
Around 3 am I hear a THUD. I find H on the floor by the bed, not moving. I try to wake him, but can't. I thought he had a stroke or heart attack! Again, I had no idea that he had had ANYTHING to drink. (I didn't know at that point he was now hiding liquor in his closet)
So, I called 911. The paramedics asked me if he had been drinking and I said, "no." Because I really didn't think he had been drinking! At the hospital, again I was asked and gave the same answer. Imagine my humiliation when the blood tests came back showing that he was REALLY drunk. I had never seen H drunk before! He was still not awake, but an IV was helping sober him up.
Several hours later, we got to leave. In the car, I broke down crying and telling him how scared I was, only to find out that he was DRUNK! I asked him, "how did this happen? You asked me when I was coming to bed and then several minutes later you were deep asleep!" He told me that while I was in the tub he had been chugging gin! WTH??? Where was the gin, I asked. He told me he had hidden it in his closet.
Sure, after that he swore off drinking, but we all know how that goes.
Fast forward to now....he's been thru rehab, and immediately began drinking again after he got out.
He regularly blames me for his alcoholism. Our kids don't like him much. One child hasn't spoken to him or seen him in 4 years after they had a huge argument (H's fault, totally!). The other child tolerates him and is pleasant to him, but is disgusted by him, his drinking, and his temper.
Because of his damaged relationship with our children, H blames me for that. He says that I haven't been loyal to him, and that I haven't defended him. I know that some spouses lie and cover-up for their alcoholic spouses, but I don't. And that angers him. He thinks that a loyal and good spouse would protect and lie for him. Our kids have seen too much of his anger and rages for me to be foolish enough to lie for him. They'd see right thru it, if I had tried that.
So, he blames me for his drinking. He blames me for his poor relationship with our kids.
Now, he more regularly gets drunk and I see him drunk. He still does his drinking secretly, but he's less discreet because during the evening he'll be visually intoxicated. He'll begin drinking around 5 or 6 or 7 pm and be visibly intoxicated shortly thereafter. This behavior has been going on for about 4 years. It's not every night, but it's virtually every time something "stressful" happens....like when his Cubbies were playing in the World Series. Even after they would win, H would be stressed and get drunk. Or, if he gets a flat tire, or there was a line at the store, or the pharmacy took too long to get his Rx, or one of the pets did something. Anything stressful.
Why do I stay? Because of the financial devastation that would occur if I left. We're in our 60s and semi-retired now, living mostly on his good pension, but it's still not enough for us to live on, and NOT nearly enough to split for two households. I have a small business that H helps with, but it only helps up make ends meet. Again, not enough income coming in to split and support two households. And, my insurance is thru his retirement. I'd have none if we split up. And, an attorney told me that because of H's many medical and prescription needs, his pension would probably not get split 50/50 because he can't work and he couldn't live on half and be able to pay for his medical costs.
Anyway...there's another point I want to mention and get some feedback... H likes to claim that because when our kids were still home and he was only drinking late at night, that I and they were not affected at all by his drinking. He claims that when he woke up the next morning, he'd be sober and therefore it bothered no one.
I say that his mood and temper would still be affected the following day.
H thinks that once a person has processed the alcohol out of one's blood that there are no other after-affects. And no affects on one's mood/temper.
What do you say?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello SSW, and Welcome to SR!
I am sorry, though, for the reasons you needed to find us.
I'm not sure how long the effects of alcohol last in someone, but if you read the threads written by recovering alcoholics on these boards, you will see that they are still dealing with the effects anywhere from 6 to 12 months after they stop. And yes, many recovering alcoholics go through a profoundly angry period or experience vast mood swings in the first few months of recovery or so.
The brain has had a depressant chemical acting on it--sometimes for years. To think that there would be no affect after the alcohol leaves the blood stream is just not true. I think some of the moodiness comes from the fact that the recovering alcoholic now has to deal with all of their feelings, their emotions, their life without their numbing safety blanket of alcohol.
And alcoholism is a family disease in that everyone in the family is impacted in one way or another. Please take a few minutes at some point to read through the threads in the Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics Forum here on the boards. It is quite an education, and a sad one at that.
I hope you will stick around, SSW! You have found a very supportive place. We understand--believe me.
I am sorry, though, for the reasons you needed to find us.
I'm not sure how long the effects of alcohol last in someone, but if you read the threads written by recovering alcoholics on these boards, you will see that they are still dealing with the effects anywhere from 6 to 12 months after they stop. And yes, many recovering alcoholics go through a profoundly angry period or experience vast mood swings in the first few months of recovery or so.
The brain has had a depressant chemical acting on it--sometimes for years. To think that there would be no affect after the alcohol leaves the blood stream is just not true. I think some of the moodiness comes from the fact that the recovering alcoholic now has to deal with all of their feelings, their emotions, their life without their numbing safety blanket of alcohol.
And alcoholism is a family disease in that everyone in the family is impacted in one way or another. Please take a few minutes at some point to read through the threads in the Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics Forum here on the boards. It is quite an education, and a sad one at that.
I hope you will stick around, SSW! You have found a very supportive place. We understand--believe me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SSW,
Wow, hon, you have been through the ringer.
Good for you for reaching out and trying to get support, for living with an addict. It is not easy my friend. There is so much help out there for you. First off I see you keep mentioning time frames. When you read the stickies up top or head to an alanon meeting you will start understanding that your recovery is about you and only you. You are married to an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. So getting upset or hiding booze is a waste of time. Engaging in drunken fights with him, is a waste of time. Time frames of when he was drinking or how much really doesn't matter.
You will learn and educate yourself on how not to engage with him. You will learn how this is progressive. You will learn that you are not to blame for his addiction. All addicts will have some excuse why they need to drink, its cold out, it's hot out, it's windy, its cloudy, you get it.
On sr, you will learn to turn your focus and your obsession with your addict on to making you well. It's called taking care of our side of the street. Let ah (alcoholic husband) take responsibility for his actions; if he is drunk and passes out on the floor, don't wake him. If he throws up every where let him see it in the am and so on. Stop enabling him.
I also totally disagree with the attorney, I would seek a different divorce attorney about finances. I just divorced ah after 34 years together, married 26. I would much rather live in a garage and visit a food pantry, then waste the rest of my life with active addition in my home. They say in alanon, don't do anything for 6 months so you have time to process what your life has become, and how to move forward.
Education is key!! You have made the first step by reaching out for support. Read all over this forum, hit an alanon or open aa meeting, seek out an addition therapist. There is a lot of support for you if you want to do the work.
Sending hugs, life will get so much better my friend, stick a round!!
Wow, hon, you have been through the ringer.
Good for you for reaching out and trying to get support, for living with an addict. It is not easy my friend. There is so much help out there for you. First off I see you keep mentioning time frames. When you read the stickies up top or head to an alanon meeting you will start understanding that your recovery is about you and only you. You are married to an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. So getting upset or hiding booze is a waste of time. Engaging in drunken fights with him, is a waste of time. Time frames of when he was drinking or how much really doesn't matter.
You will learn and educate yourself on how not to engage with him. You will learn how this is progressive. You will learn that you are not to blame for his addiction. All addicts will have some excuse why they need to drink, its cold out, it's hot out, it's windy, its cloudy, you get it.
On sr, you will learn to turn your focus and your obsession with your addict on to making you well. It's called taking care of our side of the street. Let ah (alcoholic husband) take responsibility for his actions; if he is drunk and passes out on the floor, don't wake him. If he throws up every where let him see it in the am and so on. Stop enabling him.
I also totally disagree with the attorney, I would seek a different divorce attorney about finances. I just divorced ah after 34 years together, married 26. I would much rather live in a garage and visit a food pantry, then waste the rest of my life with active addition in my home. They say in alanon, don't do anything for 6 months so you have time to process what your life has become, and how to move forward.
Education is key!! You have made the first step by reaching out for support. Read all over this forum, hit an alanon or open aa meeting, seek out an addition therapist. There is a lot of support for you if you want to do the work.
Sending hugs, life will get so much better my friend, stick a round!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, SSW. Alcohol dependency gets progressively worse unles the person decides to stop. So there's that. Have you gone to AL-Anon? It is. 12 step group for people troubled by a loved one's drinking. It can be a great source of support, education, and help. I agree with other posters that consulting an attorney at some point might be helpful with regard to options for you. You do not have to stay with an alcoholic if you don't want to. And..if going to church gives you comfort, then go, and the heck with his pouts. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Welcome SSW, sorry for what brings you hear but glad you found this site. It is a step in the right direction.
I am married to an alcoholic for 18 years and it has been quite the roller coaster ride.
As many others will post behind me, educate yourself about the disease and find support for you. It is best to remember that you can only help yourself. Your AH has to be responsible and ready to help himself. As long has he is actively drinking he will continue to shift the blame on you and try to make you feel guilty.
Alanon is a great support group and many of us here have been able to find peace within ourselves even with the active alcoholic still at home.
My AH is currently unemployed, he is in a rehab facility for just over 2 weeks and we have two children, a teen and a 10 year old. I understand your concern about not having the means to make a living but believe me - there is enough courage inside of you to FIND A WAY. Finding help for yourself will help you find your courage to make it with or without him in your life.
Many hugs and prayers to you my friend. Keep coming back!
I am married to an alcoholic for 18 years and it has been quite the roller coaster ride.
As many others will post behind me, educate yourself about the disease and find support for you. It is best to remember that you can only help yourself. Your AH has to be responsible and ready to help himself. As long has he is actively drinking he will continue to shift the blame on you and try to make you feel guilty.
Alanon is a great support group and many of us here have been able to find peace within ourselves even with the active alcoholic still at home.
My AH is currently unemployed, he is in a rehab facility for just over 2 weeks and we have two children, a teen and a 10 year old. I understand your concern about not having the means to make a living but believe me - there is enough courage inside of you to FIND A WAY. Finding help for yourself will help you find your courage to make it with or without him in your life.
Many hugs and prayers to you my friend. Keep coming back!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
I'm with maia, I'd rather sleep in my car than in the household you're describing. Listen, people leave with small kids in tow, no job and no work experience. You have a business. Presumably you qualify (or soon will qualify) for social security. You would most likely be entitled to a significant portion of his pension and your home as marital property (which doesn't get divided based on fault or need). You're not gonna be eating cat food or dumpster diving. You might experience a significant sizing-down of your lifestyle, but your kids are grown, you are an adult, and presumably in reasonably good health. You could have another 30-plus years on this planet. Do you really want to spend your remaining years as hostage to an angry, blaming drunk? Whose health may decline to the point where all you do is care for him?
I'd work on re-thinking my options if I were you. You're only as "trapped" as you believe you are.
And yes, find yourself an Al-Anon meeting and learn what you can about alcoholism. There are no indications right now that he has any interest in stopping. Incidentally, my own alcoholism developed later in life, when I was in my 40s. I have now been sober 8 years. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics--one sober, and one that I left after he went back to drinking following a near-death drinking-related experience.
I'm with maia, I'd rather sleep in my car than in the household you're describing. Listen, people leave with small kids in tow, no job and no work experience. You have a business. Presumably you qualify (or soon will qualify) for social security. You would most likely be entitled to a significant portion of his pension and your home as marital property (which doesn't get divided based on fault or need). You're not gonna be eating cat food or dumpster diving. You might experience a significant sizing-down of your lifestyle, but your kids are grown, you are an adult, and presumably in reasonably good health. You could have another 30-plus years on this planet. Do you really want to spend your remaining years as hostage to an angry, blaming drunk? Whose health may decline to the point where all you do is care for him?
I'd work on re-thinking my options if I were you. You're only as "trapped" as you believe you are.
And yes, find yourself an Al-Anon meeting and learn what you can about alcoholism. There are no indications right now that he has any interest in stopping. Incidentally, my own alcoholism developed later in life, when I was in my 40s. I have now been sober 8 years. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics--one sober, and one that I left after he went back to drinking following a near-death drinking-related experience.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You've gotten excellent feedback here...so I just wanted to emphasize that unless you are holding him down to pour booze down his throat, his drinking is NOT YOUR FAULT. No matter how "stressful" life can be, he always has the option not to drink. Always.
And good for you for prioritizing an honest relationship with your children over covering for him. It's the disconnect between what kids know to be true and when adults pretend it's not that causes much of the damage.
And good for you for prioritizing an honest relationship with your children over covering for him. It's the disconnect between what kids know to be true and when adults pretend it's not that causes much of the damage.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
One of the things I’ve learned over the years and through al-anon is to stop trying to justify, argue or defend my knowledge of what I know to be true, with a drunk. You know that his drinking affected all of you living in that house and that’s all that really matters. Him admitting to that shouldn’t matter at this point. You’d be equally engaged with trying to get the tree outside to admit it wasn’t a tree……. wasted time and energy.
Alcoholism……………the disease that makes him too selfish to see the havoc he’s created and to care about the people around him that he shattered. Blaming their drinking on someone else is very typical alcoholic behavior. It's hard but very important that you don't take those words personally. And trying to defend yourself on that issue is another waste of time and your energy when you can put that energy into something you really do have control over to change………….YOU.
Look into al-anon in your area and check out some meetings for yourself. Learning to disengage with the A and setting boundaries that you can stick with are key if one is choosing to remain in a relationship with the A.
Alcoholism……………the disease that makes him too selfish to see the havoc he’s created and to care about the people around him that he shattered. Blaming their drinking on someone else is very typical alcoholic behavior. It's hard but very important that you don't take those words personally. And trying to defend yourself on that issue is another waste of time and your energy when you can put that energy into something you really do have control over to change………….YOU.
Look into al-anon in your area and check out some meetings for yourself. Learning to disengage with the A and setting boundaries that you can stick with are key if one is choosing to remain in a relationship with the A.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Welcome SSW! I am sorry to say that you sound like one of us - irk.
I second what everyone is saying: find an Alanon meeting, learn boundaries and detachment, stay on your side of the street, read the stickies and boy oh boy you are enduring a super, super tough situation. Anyone who has been through what you have is a certified TOUGH cookie.
One last suggestion: find the book Codependent no More. It is pretty much the bible around here.
I second what everyone is saying: find an Alanon meeting, learn boundaries and detachment, stay on your side of the street, read the stickies and boy oh boy you are enduring a super, super tough situation. Anyone who has been through what you have is a certified TOUGH cookie.
One last suggestion: find the book Codependent no More. It is pretty much the bible around here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Hi SSW
Welcome to SR. My Exah covered up his drinking until he nearly died and I had little idea of the extent of it. I got out tho. I was 54 and I lost everything financially but I call it my price of freedom. I live in a small flat ( so small I sleep in the living room) with my twin boys but we are happy!!!! My ex still tries to spoil life because of the boys but we keep his effect to a minimum. I never regret leaving. I have a life now. I have many trips to Europe and a great sober boyfriend. We live mostly in peace except for the odd blip from ex.
Welcome to SR. My Exah covered up his drinking until he nearly died and I had little idea of the extent of it. I got out tho. I was 54 and I lost everything financially but I call it my price of freedom. I live in a small flat ( so small I sleep in the living room) with my twin boys but we are happy!!!! My ex still tries to spoil life because of the boys but we keep his effect to a minimum. I never regret leaving. I have a life now. I have many trips to Europe and a great sober boyfriend. We live mostly in peace except for the odd blip from ex.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 5
. If he throws up every where let him see it in the am and so on. Stop enabling him.
Seriously! He raged at me for not cleaning it up which made him SEE his drunken mess and "feel bad". As I mentioned in my OP, that one therapist identified that when AH is upset, logic goes out the window.
As others have suggested, I have gone to Al-Anon meetings. Very nice people there, mostly wives and some adult children. My older child went with me and it was very helpful. The message was clear. It's not my fault. I need to focus on my side (as mentioned: take care of my side of the street.). The funny thing is, when I focus on "my side of the street," such as working/building my business or whatever, AH gets very jealous of whatever I'm doing, calls me obsesses with (whatever I'm doing).
Since he retired (actually laid-off, but thankfully qualified for full retirement), his neediness cranked up many notches. While at work, he'd have fellow employees to talk to (tell his bazillion stories) and fill his never-ending need for attention, but once retired, he expected me to be his full-time audience, captured audience.
We've actually gone thru a divorce proceedings, so I know how horrible I would make out in the end. Each state is different, and yes, my state does look at things like "need" and "age/health" when determining "split". I don't live in a 50/50 split state. My state looks at what's fair and equitable (not equal). He's older and in ill health, while I'm considered to be young and healthy enough to fully support myself in the eyes of the court. He was asked to list his necessary expenses, and just his Rx's and medical co-payments/deductibles alone take a huge chunk, then add onto that his living expenses.
My business would be destroyed in a divorce, since he would be awarded a portion of the property (worth about $600k). I can't afford to buy him out. He has also sworn that he would purposely destroy the business if we divorced (he was the one who filed, by the way, because I "destroyed his relationship with our kids."). Since he has destroyed many things in anger, I believe this threat. I also believe that if he became suicidal (which he has) he wouldn't just kill himself. Not that he's ever threatened to hurt me, but he gets crazy when drunk and says things like, "it's not fair that if I die that you will get to live off my pension, since you've been a lousy wife."
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by SadSoberWife 
He's forever been overly-emotional, overly-reactive, hot-tempered, and illogical when upset. In fact, his first therapist told us that "when Bob gets upset, logic goes right out the window."
Baffled
On
Booze
My sponsor another Bob shared the above with me.
MB
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by SadSoberWife
As others have suggested, I have gone to Al-Anon meetings. Very nice people there, mostly wives and some adult children. My older child went with me and it was very helpful. The message was clear. It's not my fault. I need to focus on my side (as mentioned: take care of my side of the street.). The funny thing is, when I focus on "my side of the street," such as working/building my business or whatever, AH gets very jealous of whatever I'm doing, calls me obsesses with (whatever I'm doing).
So glad to hear that you have been to Alanon. Another suggestion (may or may not be workable): could you contact a domestic violence organization? Even if he has never hurt you physically, what you are experiencing counts for emotional abuse. Others on here know more about this than I do.
Keep posting and take whatever teeny tiny steps to take care of yourself.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
I left after 33 years of marriage. What your AH says and does to you is so familiar to me. I decided I would rather live in a cardboard box than live with that man again! I moved from a 5000 square foot home into an 800 square foot apartment and have been living dirt cheap- still haven't received any money- still waiting on the divorce. Left with a part time job and no benefits but I was DONE. I agree - see another lawyer for a second opinion- you may lose some things- but ... I think of this time as walking over a bridge. The journey is pleasant, interesting, and challenging, but once the divorce and the financial settlement is final, I can have more options. in the meantime- my life is free of abuse and people are loving and caring to me. I am having less worries and more peace and contentment. I lived with him so long that I believed abuse was NORMAl. and he told me it was normal to curse at your wife and mistreat her- that everyone gets angry. And he was justified in "getting back" at me for whatever resentment he had( Including my being "so happy" by the way). He made me feel like everything was my fault. I look back now and see I practically bonsaied myself to prove him wrong- and still ending up feeling guilty. NO MORE GUILT. FREEDOM!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Just don't eliminate the possibility that "taking care of yourself" might require leaving at some point. My own thought is that the longer you wait, the more difficult it will become. However much of a nasty jerk he is being, it will be harder to leave as his health declines (and it will). You will be that much older, yourself. The situation will worsen, more or less steadily (though there could be a precipitous drop at some point).
To put yourself through all of that just because you might not get 50-50 in a property settlement/judgment seems to be a poor bargain. He could live a very VERY long time, making your life miserable in the meantime. Virtually every state has equitable (not equal) distribution of marital assets. While "need" is usually calculated as part of any decision regarding alimony, it should play little if any role in division of property. The entire premise is that during a long marriage property is acquired and both parties share the benefit.
I'd get a second opinion, and think seriously about how much you really NEED to live. Freedom is priceless.
To put yourself through all of that just because you might not get 50-50 in a property settlement/judgment seems to be a poor bargain. He could live a very VERY long time, making your life miserable in the meantime. Virtually every state has equitable (not equal) distribution of marital assets. While "need" is usually calculated as part of any decision regarding alimony, it should play little if any role in division of property. The entire premise is that during a long marriage property is acquired and both parties share the benefit.
I'd get a second opinion, and think seriously about how much you really NEED to live. Freedom is priceless.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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"My business would be destroyed in a divorce, since he would be awarded a portion of the property (worth about $600k). I can't afford to buy him out. He has also sworn that he would purposely destroy the business if we divorced (he was the one who filed, by the way, because I "destroyed his relationship with our kids."). Since he has destroyed many things in anger, I believe this threat. I also believe that if he became suicidal (which he has) he wouldn't just kill himself. Not that he's ever threatened to hurt me, but he gets crazy when drunk and says things like, "it's not fair that if I die that you will get to live off my pension, since you've been a lousy wife."
This is very unsettling and scary. Are you saying you would rather risk being
murdered than leave? I've been married 30+ with AH in recovery
for some of that time. However, he has never made threats of
this magnitude or been suicidal. The amount of meds your AH is
on is very troubling itself, and adding alcohol is like dynamite.
This is very unsettling and scary. Are you saying you would rather risk being
murdered than leave? I've been married 30+ with AH in recovery
for some of that time. However, he has never made threats of
this magnitude or been suicidal. The amount of meds your AH is
on is very troubling itself, and adding alcohol is like dynamite.
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