LexieCat

Here's the other thing. Presumably you own a home. "Equitable" doesn't mean everybody gets exactly half of everything. It might be that he gets the house, and you get your business. Who would run the business if you left? What would it be worth to him without you? Not much, I imagine. "Equitable" might mean that he keeps most of his pension, but you might be able to keep your business and all of its assets.

There are all kinds of ways this could play out. Seriously, talk to some other lawyers.

teatreeoil007

I know you feel 'stuck' with this man; [mainly for financial reasons?]

Ok, first and foremost, he is going to defend his behavior, no matter what....that is just what people do when confronted, whether they are an addict or not. His grouchy, hot-tempered "moods" could occur whether he is an addict or not; whether he has alcohol in his system or not.

But Seren brought up a good point: Alcohol does affect the brain for a very long time after it's gone. The brain affects behavior. But, there are all sorts of myths that drinkers would have us believe....

Don't buy into it.

Is there any way your kids could help you out? I mean, I know you don't want to burden them, but is it possible they have an extra room or something? Just a thought.

He may not have actually hit you or anything like that, but living with someone who has a 'hot temper' is like walking on eggshells. A person can certainly do that for a very long time and we buy into the notion that we "just have to put up with it" .... but only you can decide when you've had enough and can't take it anymore or when you are just too weary of it....

some good advice given here ....

teatreeoil007

Ok, I just saw this:

My business would be destroyed in a divorce, since he would be awarded a portion of the property (worth about $600k). I can't afford to buy him out. He has also sworn that he would purposely destroy the business if we divorced (he was the one who filed, by the way, because I "destroyed his relationship with our kids."). Since he has destroyed many things in anger, I believe this threat. I also believe that if he became suicidal (which he has) he wouldn't just kill himself. Not that he's ever threatened to hurt me, but he gets crazy when drunk and says things like, "it's not fair that if I die that you will get to live off my pension, since you've been a lousy wife."

You feel like you are under your husband's thumb here. Plus he has made some serious threats to your personal well-being.

Given what you've shared here, you do sound like a capable woman in decent health and he sounds like a complete ___________e. You've lived with this man for so long, maybe you cannot see what could be on the other side....

You need to be empowered. I 2nd what Lexicat said; talk to a different attorney or more than one. In the meantime, if your personal safety is in question, you need to get out, regardless of any financial fall-out. Your personal safety is priceless. I mean, it sounds like he tries to intimidate you via threats, moods, etc. Intimidation is just one of many manipulation maneuvers. And he has been successful at that, so he'll keep trying what has worked for him so far.....

He wants you to believe you are "Hotel California".....("You can check out any time you like but you can never leave...")

teatreeoil007

Keep in mind that abusers and addicts tend to brainwash the people in their lives....into believing and behaving in ways that enable them to carry on with their addiction and abuse.

SadSoberWife

yes, he does "control" me thru intimidation.
I'm going to focus on myself and take care of myself.

I know this sounds horrible, but sometimes I just pray that he dies. It's unbelievable to write that, but it's true.

I'm going to continue to go to Al-Anon. There are some lovely people there who've been thru worse.

Thank you all and God Bless.

garnetwaters

Been there. I got to the point where I hoped for my STBXAH's death. It was a desperate wish to remove myself from the insanity and pain when I felt trapped an unable to move. I used to wonder when he was out at night how I would react if the police knocked on my door to inform me he was gone. When I started to realize that my reaction might be one of relief, I thought that made me a monster. But I realized I wasn't a monster, I was just a broken down wife that needed help. Al-anon, therapy, and these forums saved me.

I hope you find your way to peace.

Maudcat

Well, SSW. I don't think you are alone in wishing for your husband's death. Certainly would make things easier. I feel that way about the alcoholic in mylife often. Unfortunately, our alcohol-dependent relatives manage to keep hanging on. So..Plan B. Nothing needs to happen today. But, as other posters have stated, you are not in a good place, and it's time to make things better for you. How? What can you do to take your power back? How about living your life, doing what you want to do, regardless of your husband's bullying? His priority is alcohol. What is yours?

Maudcat

Good morning, SSW. Hope you had a peaceful night. I reread your original post, ans something occurred. You don't say your husband's age, just that he does not enjoy good health. Is it possible that your spouse has dementia? Maybe his temper is innate. Maybe it is fueled by alcohol. Maybe it's something else as well.
I say this because my alcoholic sib has alcohol-related dementia. He is not violent, but he gets very confused as to when events occurred. He is defensive about his lack of help to my mother, with whom he lives. He also lies.
My other sib and I are contemplating his life after my mother dies. We think that he will probably have to go into care of some type. Don't really have a point here, but well, food for thought.