Advice: parenting issue
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Advice: parenting issue
I was tucking DS9 in tonight, and as we were talking, he got choked up and apologized for getting so angry lately. He said he can't help himself and daddy told him to try and watch his temper, because mommy is mad at him (daddy) for setting a bad example.
This broke my heart. I told him that I love him so very much. And that he is still growing up and learning how to handle big feelings. I also told him there is nothing wrong with being angry, or feeling sad and crying, but we ARE responsible for how we act and how we deal with anger. I reassured him that I am here to help him if he gets frustrated. Also, I was not mad at his dad or him and that his dad needs to work on how HE acts when upset. And told him to please talk to me anytime if something was bothering him.
Just as a back story, DS has been regressing with his coping skills, acting frustrated, distracted at school... This situation is affecting my children. I have been doing my best to emotionally support and be open with my kiddos, always there to talk or just snuggle. I cherish my relationship with them. I have made them pediatric counseling appointments in the new year.
AH drug DS into that conversation inappropriately IMO. I feel he needs to teach by example for our children, and not use blame as a parenting tool during one of his long winded heart to hearts. That's how I perceived this anyway.
Here, he "helped" by picking them up from childcare for me.
This broke my heart. I told him that I love him so very much. And that he is still growing up and learning how to handle big feelings. I also told him there is nothing wrong with being angry, or feeling sad and crying, but we ARE responsible for how we act and how we deal with anger. I reassured him that I am here to help him if he gets frustrated. Also, I was not mad at his dad or him and that his dad needs to work on how HE acts when upset. And told him to please talk to me anytime if something was bothering him.
Just as a back story, DS has been regressing with his coping skills, acting frustrated, distracted at school... This situation is affecting my children. I have been doing my best to emotionally support and be open with my kiddos, always there to talk or just snuggle. I cherish my relationship with them. I have made them pediatric counseling appointments in the new year.
AH drug DS into that conversation inappropriately IMO. I feel he needs to teach by example for our children, and not use blame as a parenting tool during one of his long winded heart to hearts. That's how I perceived this anyway.
Here, he "helped" by picking them up from childcare for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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thousandwords....I think that I heard that some alateen groups will accept at that age.... Peer support for kids is as important as it is for us grown ups......
LOL...think about it---the 9yr. old is being asked to be more mature than the adult....!
LOL...think about it---the 9yr. old is being asked to be more mature than the adult....!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by dandylion 
the 9yr. old is being asked to be more mature than the adult....!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
More manipulation, this time of the kids. AND you, not incidentally. He's setting you up to be the bad guy. He's enlisting your son as an ally--suggesting that mommy is going to judge him the same way you do his dad.
Glad you're planning on counseling for the kids, and yes, do check into Alateen.
Glad you're planning on counseling for the kids, and yes, do check into Alateen.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh man, it hurts my heart to read this stuff about the kids. It's pure manipulation on his part, definitely. I think you handled it really well.
I always turn to Brene's Parenting Manifesto in these situations - we have a copy hanging in our kitchen & DD has a copy in her room. This is the vision of family that I shoot for & hold myself accountable to (even while I could never control AH/RAH's actions):
A link to download the 8x10 posters: Downloads - Brené Brown
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.
I always turn to Brene's Parenting Manifesto in these situations - we have a copy hanging in our kitchen & DD has a copy in her room. This is the vision of family that I shoot for & hold myself accountable to (even while I could never control AH/RAH's actions):
A link to download the 8x10 posters: Downloads - Brené Brown
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by hearthealth
Children can grow up faster when there is alcohol involved. I think you did everything right. You're there for him and not pitting him against his father and that's what counts. I asked husband for counseling for DS and he is oppose to it. So at least your husband is accepting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Oh man, it hurts my heart to read this stuff about the kids. It's pure manipulation on his part, definitely. I think you handled it really well.
I always turn to Brene's Parenting Manifesto in these situations - we have a copy hanging in our kitchen & DD has a copy in her room. This is the vision of family that I shoot for & hold myself accountable to (even while I could never control AH/RAH's actions):
A link to download the 8x10 posters: Downloads - Brené Brown
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.
I always turn to Brene's Parenting Manifesto in these situations - we have a copy hanging in our kitchen & DD has a copy in her room. This is the vision of family that I shoot for & hold myself accountable to (even while I could never control AH/RAH's actions):
A link to download the 8x10 posters: Downloads - Brené Brown
The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.
And thank you all for the great replies, I can't reply individually right now, but I appreciate them all. Having to do parental damage control on the fly, I was hoping I said the right things. DS is such a sweet, sensitive soul- I hate that this was placed onto his conscious. I am a pretty confident mother, I do know that I have a loving and open relationship with my kids. I just hope they know they can come to me with anything, I tell them this- but as they grow you know how things go.
It was definitely manipulation, not sure of the context at the moment though (was son acting up and AH was trying to address it his way...was it something AH brought up on his own...I don't know ) Not that it matters. AH wasn't in a sober state to ask and let him know my thoughts anyways. So I handled it the best I could in the moment.
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