TerpGal

Hey guys, its been a long time since I have posted. RAH and I are still together. He's still sober, its been 2 years. Mental health wise, I am better than I have been in YEARS. I put it all down to the absolitely wonderful and amazing therapist I have been seeing for the last few months.

My last therapist did EMDR with me, but she wasnt nationally certified and tbh, after 2 years of seeing her, I felt I wasnt really getting anywhere. I knew I needed to find someone else but I was scared. She made the choice for me. She took a job with the VA and had to close her private practice. She referred me to my therapist now who is nationally certified in EMDR and has changed my life.

So..........I am finally getting to processing the abuse RAH put me through while he was drinking. It is HARD. The memories we are working on dont cause me fight or flight panic anymore, but they do cause anger. I am VERY angry at him, very angry at the situation but I know beneath that anger is just a neverending sea of sadness and grief that I am avoiding feeling. Anyway..........trying many ways to actually forgive him. Getting real stuck on the "seeing my part" thing. See, I blamed myself for the abuse. I hated myself for staying. And I could say staying was my "part" or "my responsibility", but my mind just reads that like somehow I morally failed or did something wrong by staying with him. I refuse to accept ANY responsibility for being abused. Yes, I stayed but thats not something I did wrong or need to be forgiven for. I did my best with the circumstances I was in and I WILL NOT accept any guilt or blame for that. I feel like a lot of times we get caught up in the "seeing our part" as a way to somehow lessen the responsibility of the addict for their behavior. But anyway.......

I dont know where Im going with this but I am just sorta overcome with emotions right now. It sucks and I dont wanna do it. If you got this far, thanks.

Ariesagain

Hey, it's complicated, no doubt about that. It's great that you're finding such good support as you try to navigate it all.

Sending you a hug.

LexieCat

There are situations where we have a part in what happens to us, but abuse isn't one of them. Abuse is never the fault of the victim.

PhoenixJ

Terp- SR is a good way to write stuff when I feel confused, angry ,miserable, angry or frustrated- all those good emotions. SR is safe and supportive. You have good professional support. So keep posting- re read what you wrote and see if you can see your story through another pair of eyes.
Prayers, PJ

Kboys

Hi Terp
It's awesome you have such great therapist!
I definitely relate to what you have posted, and I get it.

"I feel like a lot of times we get caught up in the "seeing our part" as a way to somehow lessen the responsibility of the addict for their behavior. But anyway......."

Definitely agree with this^^^
I felt like every time I acknowledged verbally to my now separated AH "my part" in things, or when I apologized for the role that I played in arguments we had or whatever... it just gave him more power, and made him feel more justified in treating me the way he did....

Keep going Terp! You're doing great

sauerkraut

You probably already know this, but whatever your emotions are, they are okay. All of those feelings--anger, sadness, grief--they are normal. It's okay. Letting yourself go there means you are becoming more honest with yourself and more in touch with your own feelings, which is a good thing.

(In case you can't tell, I've been in a similar place and still am, sometimes.)

And, like Lexie said, you are not responsible for his abuse. Period.