theuncertainty

Generally speaking, the divorce process tends to exacerbate stresses in a relationship. Simply because your friend feels like he has to be perfect, doesn't mean that's what the courts expect. (Like Lexi mentioned, it's his perception. ) Believe me, courts know that people aren't perfect, even if they're trying their hardest.

FWIW, it's always best to go to the court and present the facts with honesty - both sides of the fence. He doesn't need to make himself look more confident; he doesn't need to try to 'paint her in the poorest light possible' or that he's better than his ex. He needs to show up as a father. Owning up to his own stuff (like not having had a door on his daughter's room), and showing how he's taking steps to correct any issues, is a good thing for the kids. Any other issues need to be presented with a solution that is best for the kids.

Court isn't the place to make the parents feel better about themselves. The litmus that the court should / will be looking at is what is in the best interest of the kids. That being said, the courts do tend to try to keep both parents in the picture and to give each the chance to do what's right for the children. (Which can be incredibly hard and massively s--k when you're stuck trying to co-parent with an abusive or alcoholic/addict ex.)

In my case, the court trying to give AXH a chance meant the judge gave him supervised overnight weekend visits with DS. I believe, the idea was that AXH would be able to show that he could be the dad DS needs. I knew it wouldn't work (and I was a wreck worrying during the visits). AXH couldn't (and still can't) be that dad - but protections were in place for DS (the visits were supervised), and AXH eventually hung himself, so to speak, with his own actions. I didn't need to do anything other than make sure DS knew how to stay safe and could be picked up/brought home if need be and that the repeated failings made it before the court for them to review.

I'm not trying to imply that it was all matter-of-fact and easy to do at the time. It wasn't. And I totally didn't see the court's POV at the time. It was hard and it was messy and AXH was a complete a--hat the whole time. (Still is.) But doing everything I could for DS was/is the top priority.

Thumper's suggestions for support are excellent. I know that's what gave me the strength to keep moving forward and trying to advocate for DS.

choublak

I think the big issue here is that the courts tend to favor the mother for custody and child support issues.

theuncertainty

It probably depends a great deal on the area and the judge overseeing the case. It's not impossible for men to get custody of their children. (I have a male friend, who's wife is an alcoholic, who was granted custody. Acknowledged that it's just one case, but it shows it's not impossible.) It's often just as hard for women coming out of abusive situations to protect their children from their abusive father as it is for a father to try to protect his children from an alcoholic mother. So no, the system isn't perfect, because it's run by people and people aren't perfect.

Generally, the courts are tasked with trying to find what is in the children's best interests. One hopes that the judge in the case is fairly well versed in family matters such as addiction and abuse, but unfortunately, it's not always the case.

All that aside, it's in his children's best interest that he acknowledge not only their mom's problems, but also where he's had issues and to show where he's taken steps to mitigate those. It's in his children's best interest to be the best dad he can be. If he truly feels that custody or visitation with his wife poses a safety issue for his kids, he needs to explain why, not just denigrate her for the sake of making her look bad.

Activelearner

Until both parents heal from the wounds of their divorce, the children are going to suffer. I'm an educator and I see the most well adjusted kids have parents who are cordial to one another and work together for their kids. I also see the opposite; stressed out kids because they know the parents are constantly bickering. So sad for all involved.
I've seen a case where a child psychologist was appointed by the court and he acted as the advocate for the child more than a guardian ad litem
ever did. The money spent on him was well spent, as opposed to an attorney. My husband would tell you the same thing and he's an attorney.