choublak

This is the situation of a friend of mine.

About a month ago, his ex wife (they've been divorced for years) went into rehab, 29 days, for alcoholism and depression. The alcoholism had been growing for 2+ years and finally came to a head when her pancreas quit and almost killed her. She went to rehab on doctor's "recommendation"...like I think she was told if she didn't go to rehab it would kill her. So he got full custody of their 12-year-old twins (fraternal, boy and girl), who used to visit him every other weekend. She's out of rehab and has to go to AA for 90 days (I guess that's part of some agreement to regain child custody?) and her lawyer is now scrutinizing and calling him out on every little thing, just waiting for one misstep to sink their talons into.

For example:

Since he has lived in his apartment, each twin has their own bedroom, but his daughter never had a door on hers. His ex wife knew this. So he gets a letter from her lawyer saying:
"a 12 year old girl needs a door on her bedroom."

Yeah. Obviously she now has a door. I didn't know a case could even be made from that.

Does this stuff usually happen? We're in the state of Pennsylvania.

LexieCat

Well, it didn't come to a court order for a door. Anybody, including one parent's lawyer, can make a demand. It was an appropriate demand, it sounds like, and he complied. What's the big deal?

choublak

He says he has to be perfect or it will bite him in the ass. Whatever that means.

TobeC

What's truly tragic in this situation that two adults can't agree on what's best for children that didn't do anything except being brought into this world. I am convinced that these situations are nothing more than about money. As soon as a lawyer gets involved, common sense, humility and compassion go right out the door and ego walks in.

Seren

It is unfortunate how parents sometimes use their children as tools of power over one another. I'm sure he does have some fear that he might lose custody or visitation rights if he puts even one toe out of line. I am glad, though, that his daughter now has a door on her room--very important for young girls imho.

I am sorry that your friend, his wife and children are going through this. I hope cooler heads will prevail for the sake of the children!

LexieCat

Well, that's his PERCEPTION. Undoubtedly what she and her lawyer want him to believe. A door is a pretty big deal, IMO. OTOH, letting the kids have cereal for breakfast isn't the sort of thing on which courts base custody decisions. There are a lot of factors that go in to those decisions, and it's impossible to be a good parent while second-guessing every move you make in terms of whether the other parent (or his/her lawyer) will try to make an issue of it. You do the best you can and simply assume they will pick everything apart. Doesn't mean any of it will be successful.

choublak

He's got three lawyers...one for the most important stuff, another one for less important stuff, and another one for the light stuff that isn't presented in front of a judge.

I didn't even know people did that.

Mountainmanbob

Wonder if all of his lawyers are buddies?

When people can communicate without having to use the courts, in most cases shows some maturity and is usually in the best interest of the children.

Might take time but, when the divorced ones truly wish the best for their ex's, life is best for all involved.

M-Bob

choublak

I don't know, what makes you say that?

He pays each of them, albeit different amounts. He's also still paying child support to his ex, even though he has the kids full-time now. He's got three lawyers, and not one of them can navigate the system well enough to get him to not pay child support when he's got full custody? I don't get it.

atalose

It doesn’t sound like any of his attorney’s specialize in “family” law.

Like going to a doctor, you want someone who specializes in certain areas of the law that pertain to the situation. Like if I were facing criminal charges I'd want a criminal defense attorney. If I had tax issues, I'd want a tax attorney.

LexieCat

Bingo. I've had a couple of family law lawyers, construction law lawyers, and estate planning lawyers. They are NOT fungible. And being smart (or expensive) has nothing to do with it. The best lawyers know when they are out of their area of expertise.

Mountainmanbob

Sometimes these guys play the buddy, buddy system. Bouncing clients back and forth.

I was in a divorce court once and the judge jumped the rear ends of two attorneys that were suppose to be on opposing sides. The judge accused them of dragging on the case for their own bennifits. He told them that the, "next time they come to court to have ALL worked out and it was to be finished."

Some might call a client with three attorneys -- job security???

M-Bob

choublak

I don't know what they specialize in. He says they are sucking his retirement dry. So he's paying them to do something...

hopeful4

It really does depend on the judges in the area. Some judges may see that as being reasonable, other judges may see that as being a total waste of time. My X threatened to take the door off my daughters room at his house, b/c he does not like that she hangs out in her room and won't socialize w/them more. I told him if he does that I would definitely pursue it b/c there are also boys who live there. She is of the age she needs a door. However, I told him myself, I did not go through an attorney. That did shut him up pretty quickly.

Your guess is likely correct that she will now try to get custody back. With three attorneys, he should be able to get one of them to tell him what the chances of that happening are. I know the attorneys in this area pretty much are so familiar with the judges that they know how they will react to many different situations.

AnvilheadII

i think it was perfectly appropriate for the mother's lawyer to write a letter and insist that a preteen girl have a door to her bedroom. i would certainly insist on that for my daughter.

it sounds like maybe your "friend" has over-attorney'd himself.....too many cooks and not enough stew.

Mountainmanbob

Here in California you can take the ex to Family Court to resolve most of these matters and back when I was going the price was only like 80 bucks to go. I believe that attorneys are not even allowed there. Mountainman

choublak

He says he's doing it to keep the kids normal and not feel any affects of their mother's constant poor decision making, and also that when he's in front of a judge, paint her in the poorest light possible. He doesn't want to have anything that would make him look as her equal.

Thumper

I'm not sure three attorney's is going to make him look confident and together. At any rate - once everyone lawyers up normal parental discussions often go through the courts. It would be nice if she could have called him and said "Hey, Mary needs a door on her room." and he say's "Doh, of course! I'll get that done this weekend." but I can only imagine that isn't how it goes. So the lawyers do it. Letters are documentation, not emotional, and maintain minimal contact, which can all be a gift.

To be quite honest - if my ex had three lawyers lined up to deal with me I'd send a letter too.

When I need support as a parent I'm looking for someone to remind me that I am enough. I can do this. I'd support him by assuring him that winning the parenting game is not about making the other parent look bad, it's about paying attention to your own house, your own self, and your own decisions as a parent. If he does that, he's a good parent. She has a door now. No big deal. Maybe he can look at the rest of his home to see if changes need to be made to make it appropriate for having his children with him full time. That is a good use of his time and energy.

LexieCat

Bingo.

And FYI, courts get highly suspicious when they perceive one parent is out to "get" the other.

Mountainmanbob

If both sides act mature the courts are hardly never needed.