letitend

Had a rather interesting experience tonight. My xA's mom is in town. She picked my son up from school and took him out to eat. She met up with Xa and his new gf. What ended up happening is xA's mom came in to see the new place when dropping off son. She came in with Xa who informed me that his new gf was in the car. Asked if it was OK if she came in. I said Yes, it was fine. The strange thing is she is very likable and actually very sweet. I like her as a person.

The part that sucks is that I am having all these feelings and emotions about the X. I seriously DO NOT want him in my life. He was a horrible partner. He has never helped to support my son or our previous family. He is still broke. He is still struggling. His mom is still enabling him. I sit there and see this dynamic play out and realize that someone has literally just taken my place in the merri-go-round. I am literally feeling that it is hysterical, sad, and messed up all at the same time. I am feeling sad that he didn't love us enough to change and help support our family. I am feeling like I *lost* someone because he seems *so loving* towards this new replacement. But, there are no real changes. He is still the same, and it's all such a front. Yet, there is that glimmer, that dangling *why* couldn't he love *me* enough to change and do something.
This all probably sounds so confusing, but I just have to vent and let it out. I know in the end he wasn't enough for me. I mean, I gave it *ten years*. *ten years*, I repeat. And yet, I am so stupid that I still *hope* when it is all gone, and i am glad.
Gibberish, I know. Alcoholism SUCKS. Just saying.

dandylion

letitend.....it doesn't seem to matter the circumstances---but, it is usually a "weird" feeling when you first experience an ex with someone else......It just is. And, it doesn't seem to matter if you want them back or not!

It is my special theory that it might have something to do with some remnant of our primitive lizard brain---some instinct that had to do with competition.
Earlier, in evolution, competition was killed if it came onto our territory......
Nice, huh.....

I think it is best to just acknowledge that it feel "weird" and move on, without analyzing it too much....

Seren

Yeah, I have a feeling that when I visit my former MIL I will see my x (first husband) and his new wife. That will be awkward, no doubt. I don't know what I will feel, but am prepared for it to be a bit 'squidgy' for lack of a better term.

I think what you are feeling is natural, and it will pass! Emotions are funny things...

Katchie

I haven't experienced that with my X yet, though he's having to experience it with me since I'm seeing someone. For me, the difficult part of not having my X in my life was not having the familiar around me. Even though he was always drunk, he wasn't nice, and my anxiety was killing me, it was familiar and I knew what to expect. However, the hardest part of being divorced is not seeing and speaking to my MIL , BIL/SIL, and all of their children -- my former nephews and nieces of 22 years. That is HARD because I love and respect them all. But I made the decision to move on for me, for peace, tranquility, sanity, and my health. I promise it does get better with each day.

LexieCat

Well, it was respectful on someone's part to ask if it was OK if she came in.

You seem to still be hanging on to that thought that alcoholics recover "for" someone else. As if whoever was with him when he was drinking wasn't "enough" but the new one might be. It will be great for you, your son, your ex, AND his new g/f if he gets sober and stays that way, but it won't be because she is somehow "better" than you (or even "better for him"--though that might be true).

The decision to get sober, and the willingness to do the work, is complicated. If there were a simple formula, everybody would get sober in the "right" environment. We know that doesn't happen, though. Each person is unique in that respect.

Try to appreciate that everyone seems to be getting along in an amicable way right now.

And yeah, some things are plain weird, in the beginning.

letitend

It is this in a nutshell. That fear that I have *always* had that I was not enough for him to love, respect and change for. After I thought rationally about him and his problem, I started to grasp the lack of changing *for* me in an entirely different light. Or I should say, I am trying hard to reformat my brain to see it in this new light. The thought I had was that if you take women out of the picture, he still is not willing to change for his son. That truly should be one thing that propels anyone towards responsibility and love. Yet, he is unwilling to do that for even his own child. I told him on a phone call the other night that he seems to have this notion that he is 50% responsible for our son, and yet, he does not want to and never has taken 50% responsibility for him financially. I let him know he needs to give me child support and it isn't fair for him to expect that I will just pay for everything always.

And honestly, when I think of the fact that the new gf is making a joke of the breathalyzer in his car and talking about *choices*, I just think to myself that she has no freaking idea how much crap I endured while being with him. I seriously try to recollect the good times in my head and it nothing comes. I think at first, the physical intimacy was very good. But that too, came to an end 2 years in to the relationship. He literally has nothing going for him. When the new gf came into my home, she looked very surprised at how nice my house was. I almost feel sorry for her. And I don't want him back. I was so miserable with him. Anxious, bitter, suffocated, and insulted on almost a daily basis.

So, yes, it goes back to me not being enough. I wish I didn't have a kid with him. I wish I had the option of going no contact. I think inviting them in and trying to be amicable is bad for me, right now. Maybe someday when I have worked through all these issues I can move forward. But, for now, I need to go back to limited contact and talking only about our son as a subject matter.

One other thing that is just really urking me is that he says I should be happy for him. When I had bf's before (when we were broken up), he literally ran them all off somehow. He texted me incessantly if he knew I was out, he did drive-bys on my friends and myself at my house, he called me names, would just show up and do laundry, leave his items at my house, etc. He never made it easy for me to move on which is why I ended up taking him back. And now, I am just supposed to *find peace* for him. It is always about him. I am just so sick of it.

dandylion

ketitend......the next time he tells you what you "should do".....with a smile, tell him "I don't need you to, take my inventory".

carolineno

Just my 2 cents...

I think it's ok to feel a little irked. Frankly I felt a little irked (ok more than a little irked LOL ) for you after I read your first post - you're expecting your son and xA's mom. Then xA comes in. Then gf is in the car. It feels like it was sprung on you. So now you're in the position where can say no, politely but in front of everyone, or say yes and not make waves. And feel gross afterwards.

It reminds me of my AH's M.O. - wait for a time to spring some crazy on the healthy partner, like when they're tired, anxious, sick, unsuspecting, etc. And then do or request something outrageous.

I think it's unfair that you had to struggle so hard to end things, you finally claim your own sacred space, and then he comes in with his "new life" and you're supposed to be happy for him.

Next time I think you should politely but firmly say no, and sit with that feeling for a bit. It really bugs me that they polluted your sacred space with their weird breathalyzer jokes - not cool in my book! (sorry if I'm projecting a lil bit )

Bekindalways

Sadly this new GF will eventually come around to understanding what you went through if she sticks around long enough.

Anyone who puts feelings and should together lives in fantasy land. No one gets to choose their feelings.

Be kind to yourself and limiting contact sounds like a great start. Hmmmm . . . actually it sounds like you are already being kind to yourself by getting rid of him and having a beautiful home. Well done. Keep it up.

LexieCat

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting you have to be buddies with the ex and the new g/f. I meant "amicable" in the sense of not being hostile. If it bothers you to be around them, I'd suggest some boundaries now. You could tell him (and I'd do it privately) that maintaining your own space right now is important to you, and you don't think it's a good idea for you to be inviting them into your home. If he gets mad, you just say you're sorry he feels that way, but for now them's your boundaries and you'd appreciate it if he would respect them. And then let him be mad if he wants to pout.

atalose

I think until we truly fully accept that we are totally powerless over someone else’s drinking we continue to have those kinds of thoughts like WE were unable to get them to quit, we were not enough etc.

But once we fully accept that, is when we can begin to change those thoughts into empathy for those that do chose to get involved with someone who has drinking issues that we have witnessed firsthand.

She’s not getting any prize here, you know that!

letitend

I can certainly relate to the gross feeling afterwards. That is how it made me feel.

I feel animosity towards him to be honest. When he leaves my space I actually get relieved. I was talking to my mom about it and she sure helps me to put things in perspective. She laughed when I told her the new gf was calling him babe. She said I have heard him called some things but babe doesn't even come to mind.

My head knows without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right choice. Heck, my heart even knows it. And really both the xa and his mom have been putting me in uncomfortable positions for 10 years so from past history I should not expect much more out of them. Compassion for me is probably last on their list. I guess my responsibility is to claim that compassion for myself, set up some better boundaries and protect myself and my son as much as I can from the dysfunction that we escaped from. I actually like the new gf. She seems fun and sweet. However, her choice is hers. She has to own that and she has not won any prize. It is myself who is the real winner. Now, I just have to work on the acceptance part of that for myself. Talk myself into it, if you will. Fill my head with positive thoughts and just be happy living life in the moment.

This weekend, xa's mom is in town. So, my son will be with the xa and her and presumably the new gf all weekend. I am going to fully enjoy being alone. I have made it a weekly ritual to go down to the beach and do a 5.5 mile walk when I have a day or 2 alone. So, I am going to do that. I am going to clean my house really good for the upcoming holiday. I am going to do some Christmas shopping. I am going to do some self-care, healthy eating and weight lifting. I feel almost selfish on the weekends, but in such a great way. It makes me feel really good. Isolated on my own island with the best company I have, myself.

AnvilheadII

I am feeling sad that he didn't love us enough to change and help support our family.

HE did not have the capacity nor desire to step up and BE enough FOR his family. he lacked some key element to stick around and do the heavy lifting. he did not meet his obligations as a parent.

even today, instead of manning up and doing the right thing, he's found himself a shiny new "toy" to play with. a distraction. a selfish interest.

i believe the term is "schmuck".

letitend

Ultimately it boils down to this. That is actually a really nice word for him IMO.

I need to keep distance from him as much as possible, get strong, and then go after him for child support. It really isn't fair that I am the only one responsible enough to feed and clothe our son. It is very hard to sit back and have my son believe that his dad is some amazing guy when he sacrifices nothing, is responsible for nothing and just wants full parental rights. The xA has always been selfish. I am completely the opposite. I guess I just need to realize that I deserve better. It is really amazing how living in this type of relationship tears down one's self-esteem.

Thanks everyone.

AnvilheadII

It is very hard to sit back and have my son believe that his dad is some amazing guy

but shouldn't a son adore his father? there will be time enough for reality to taint his views.....try not to see this as a competition for Most Beloved Parent. a child, at different times in their development, will naturally "prefer" one parent over the other.....

I swear if I'd heard "Daddy makes the BEST spaghetti" one more time i was going to scream. Cuz all he did was open a jar of PREGO!!!!

i get what you are saying tho.....the schmuck hasn't really put in the time to get the honors.......but it's just how it is.

teatreeoil007

I think your feelings and reaction within is to be expected. So don't knock yourself or question yourself. Good that you came here to vent; that helps. Maybe you just need a little validation here.

As time goes on and there is healing I think you'll find yourself not so "rattled" by any new woman in his life or by what he is up to. You are still in the healing stages right now though. And it doesn't feel very fair right now. But just keep in mind that what goes around comes around; it always has; always will. Call it kharma or whatever you want.

For your sake and your son's you've got to try to keep a positive outlook about where you are going and what you are going to do with your own life. Brighter days are ahead. I firmly believe that!

Nata1980

Nope not off topic.

You are way more tolerant than me, my answer would be resounding no.
Could they not leave gf unattended?

IMO - blatant "parading" of gf by XA and enabler mommy. My ex MIL used to parade XAHs exes - even went into trouble of printing pictures of them with XAH back 20 years ago and placing on her fridge right before my arrival that made me feel super gross. Still talks up his level of "handsomeness" to me - even after I mentioned I no longer find him attractive due to his stealing, lying, and cheating with addicted woman. She just won't give up! He is her baby tho....I understand.

She has some deep seated issues - first husband was an alchy, second was an imposter who had a whole different family in CA.

So yeah - there is absolutely no need for you to invite the gf in your house, you feel whatever you feel - no shame in that, and your XA has no business demanding you to be happy for him. In fact you can just limit communication to children - which is what professionals recommend anyway - too confusing for them to see mom/dad hanging out together.

There, I am an insecure and miserable per XAH. But I have no desire to ever meet any ex or future partners of anyone I am with. I live (and love) in the present, day at a time. In unlikely event I trust someone enough to date again, if a person was previously married, he will have to have a sole custody of his children if he has them with no ex in the picture.

If no kids - no reason for ex to be in the picture at all. I prefer clean breaks.

Maudcat

Sounds like you were a bit blindsided, letit. Now you know what you know and you will flip the script next time. Peace.

letitend

My whole relationship was a giant blind-side. I cannot state enough that I know that it was done. I am ended it, in reality, four different times.

Nata - I do feel like it is a parada and a charade with the both of them. I literally watched what I have seen so many times in their dynamic but a 'new person' was inserted. I became part of a vortex that just felt obscure and weird after it was over. I felt violated, in a way.

And for my son, I keep my opinion of his dad completely to myself. I let him know that I am excited for him to see his dad. I would be more heart broken for my son if his dad didn't care to see him. I just know, in my soul, that the man I have always envisioned *being with* is so far from what I actually picked for his father, that it causes me guilt.

I also believe that I was the victim of a narcissist. I know I have read many stories on SR where my xA seems alot in line with other narcissist A's. And I know it doesn't really matter what he is and I do not fixate on it. I just want to heal from what he has done to me. I want to heal from my own choice to keep myself in that situation so long. I am mad, sad, and honestly feel like I lost so much time on such a little cause. My life did a 480 when I met him and virtually everything I found joy in was lost in a whirlwind of chaos. I am not even sure what kept us together for so long. He truly was just mean to me when I think back on everything. Getting over that is the hardest thing. I am finding joy in things I lost though. I am definitely a work in progress. And I am OK with that for now.

Flavia2

This thread is so helpful! Thank you Letitend for sharing. My situation with STBX AH is very similar: his mom always talked about his ex girlfriends and his good looks, too. And I believe he is a narcissist above all his other issues / problems / addictions.
Woo hoo that you left him! I stayed 2x as long as you so you've got a great head start and a beautiful life ahead of you. I'm glad you've started to enjoy things again. Wishing you peace and healing.