Do you ever doubt leaving?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Do you ever doubt leaving?
I left, but for me it was leaving the physical situation of alcoholism and having the strength to forbid the Abf from staying in my home due to repeated violations of trust. I summoned the courage to force him out for good. This was one week ago exactly. The only step I completed that was different from the many times before, is that I made him leave and forbid him from coming back to ever stay there again.
Within the week he was gone, he was in the hospital detoxing and then stayed with his parents after begging to stay with me and me saying no. Now he has come back to sobriety as expected, and is asking for yet another chance in the relationship. I have always taken him back in the past regardless of bad behavior (benders, destroying my furniture while drunk, cheating) and would let him come back to my home and give him another chance. This time something in me changed and I couldn't take it and instead gave it to God and went about my life. And guess what, he survived just fine.
While I understand many of you demanded I go no contact after I kicked him out, I personally could not and I own that decision. It was a big step just to get him out and not allow him back like I normally do, but I was not ready to cut off contact with him. Now that the dust of this particular bender storm has settled and he is making a big change in moving into Sober Living with outpatient treatment, he is expecting us to pick up the pieces together. I love him so much and I would do anything to pretend we could go back to normal, but something in my gut will not let me. The thought of being without him makes me miserable and sad, but the thought of being together again has my brain screaming "NO!" as much as my heart wants it. Not only is he an alcoholic, but he is legally married (separated 3 yrs) and has only made empty promises that he's 'working on it', much like his sobriety. Also, our whole relationship had to be hidden from my family and we lived in a terribly small world where I lied to family non-stop about being with him. The isolation gave me some pretty intense anxiety and depression. Also dealt with the shame of lying, and also the shame in being with someone that my family did not approve of.
Here is my question....how do you handle when your heart starts wanting to take over your head? I have a deep love for this person and every part of my heart wants to go back now that he is doing Sober Living (where he proved he could stay sober for years he lived there), and part of me wants to feel that under conditions we can get back to someplace healthy. However, I cannot imagine going back to the lying to family and resenting his very real legal marriage. In my heart I feel the best thing is to leave him and if he can maintain an extended period of sobriety and legally divorce, we can revisit the relationship.
For now to do anything else seems insane (and more waiting from me for something that may never come nearly 2 years after being with him). Also, I have started to really ask myself if I want to risk life with an alcoholic who even if gets years of sobriety, may relapse even a decade later where I couldn't imagine going through it given that I want children.
The reward far outweighs the risk, so why am I struggling?
Within the week he was gone, he was in the hospital detoxing and then stayed with his parents after begging to stay with me and me saying no. Now he has come back to sobriety as expected, and is asking for yet another chance in the relationship. I have always taken him back in the past regardless of bad behavior (benders, destroying my furniture while drunk, cheating) and would let him come back to my home and give him another chance. This time something in me changed and I couldn't take it and instead gave it to God and went about my life. And guess what, he survived just fine.
While I understand many of you demanded I go no contact after I kicked him out, I personally could not and I own that decision. It was a big step just to get him out and not allow him back like I normally do, but I was not ready to cut off contact with him. Now that the dust of this particular bender storm has settled and he is making a big change in moving into Sober Living with outpatient treatment, he is expecting us to pick up the pieces together. I love him so much and I would do anything to pretend we could go back to normal, but something in my gut will not let me. The thought of being without him makes me miserable and sad, but the thought of being together again has my brain screaming "NO!" as much as my heart wants it. Not only is he an alcoholic, but he is legally married (separated 3 yrs) and has only made empty promises that he's 'working on it', much like his sobriety. Also, our whole relationship had to be hidden from my family and we lived in a terribly small world where I lied to family non-stop about being with him. The isolation gave me some pretty intense anxiety and depression. Also dealt with the shame of lying, and also the shame in being with someone that my family did not approve of.
Here is my question....how do you handle when your heart starts wanting to take over your head? I have a deep love for this person and every part of my heart wants to go back now that he is doing Sober Living (where he proved he could stay sober for years he lived there), and part of me wants to feel that under conditions we can get back to someplace healthy. However, I cannot imagine going back to the lying to family and resenting his very real legal marriage. In my heart I feel the best thing is to leave him and if he can maintain an extended period of sobriety and legally divorce, we can revisit the relationship.
For now to do anything else seems insane (and more waiting from me for something that may never come nearly 2 years after being with him). Also, I have started to really ask myself if I want to risk life with an alcoholic who even if gets years of sobriety, may relapse even a decade later where I couldn't imagine going through it given that I want children.
The reward far outweighs the risk, so why am I struggling?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Have you read anything about attachment? I did some research on this when I left my marriage. Understanding how and why attachment works helped me to process what I was feeling - not love, but a bond that was originally intended to protect.
I haven't read it completely, but I've read sections of Attached: the New Science of Adult Attachment and know several people who found it helpful.
And in answer to your question - no, I've never regretted it. And in retrospect, I would NEVER have had children with anyone who has a history of alcoholism and relapse.
I haven't read it completely, but I've read sections of Attached: the New Science of Adult Attachment and know several people who found it helpful.
And in answer to your question - no, I've never regretted it. And in retrospect, I would NEVER have had children with anyone who has a history of alcoholism and relapse.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
No, I do not. My XAH (he is very much sober) keeps behaving in very much alcoholic ways. He is still lazy, entitled, self absorbed callous person. And it is never going away. I married him when he was sober for years, and was working the program. He still relapsed many, many times, and if I have known what I know now I would have never married him. I am happy that I have my DS now - but he was conceived before our wedding so I could have him either way
What you describe is not love, it is an addiction. You fear that "love of your life" will morph into this wonderfully sober person and you will miss out on all the sober wonderfulness.
Sorry to sound harsh, you are as sick as he is. You just have not found your rock bottom yet.
Based on info you have provided in your earlier posts - I am terrified to even think about what your rock bottom looks like.
With all that - I hope you will end up ok. Only you can decide when you had enough.
What you describe is not love, it is an addiction. You fear that "love of your life" will morph into this wonderfully sober person and you will miss out on all the sober wonderfulness.
Sorry to sound harsh, you are as sick as he is. You just have not found your rock bottom yet.
Based on info you have provided in your earlier posts - I am terrified to even think about what your rock bottom looks like.
With all that - I hope you will end up ok. Only you can decide when you had enough.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Smarie,
Wonderful baby steps my friend. "Being" there for your addict, is not making him responsible for his actions. He is a big boy and deserves to feel the burn, you have felt the pain. You are not his therapist and the longer you are there for him, you will never move forward and a neither will he.
Respect him enough to step out of his way so he can get his shxt together. Maybe he will get the divorce and you can live happily ever after together or maybe not. You are so deserving of a healthy relationship that you don't need to lie to your family about. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?
Move forward my friend, maybe in a year, if he is doing well, you can revisit him.
Wonderful baby steps my friend. "Being" there for your addict, is not making him responsible for his actions. He is a big boy and deserves to feel the burn, you have felt the pain. You are not his therapist and the longer you are there for him, you will never move forward and a neither will he.
Respect him enough to step out of his way so he can get his shxt together. Maybe he will get the divorce and you can live happily ever after together or maybe not. You are so deserving of a healthy relationship that you don't need to lie to your family about. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?
Move forward my friend, maybe in a year, if he is doing well, you can revisit him.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Posts: 869
Thank you Nata and CPA .....I guess I was just having a weak moment tonight when he came back around like business as usual, which I was warned about. I suppose I was so anxious to get away from the home situation this last week I never addressed the future with him in a sober state. I just wanted to get away so badly and escape I didn't care what was going to happen tomorrow or the next day. I kept telling him in the car while dropping him off last week that "maybe someday we can be together but for now he must get healthy and I must get healthy". He kept saying.."promise me someday"....maybe I was overzealous that he understood this was a mutual and necessary parting. I was also afraid to firmly end it because of his state in the last week.
I just needed to get some support that my nagging inside was not real, but a manipulation. Just like the A needs to ignore the bottle as much as he wants it, I need to ignore the A. I am going to Al a non tomorrow again and therapy on Tuesday.
I just needed to get some support that my nagging inside was not real, but a manipulation. Just like the A needs to ignore the bottle as much as he wants it, I need to ignore the A. I am going to Al a non tomorrow again and therapy on Tuesday.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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I have never regretted leaving; I really feel that it was the one time in my life I truly loved someone.
My heart writhed for 3 years longing to go back to him. (I actually counted days the way alcoholics do) It was indeed horrible. The pain had to be lived through and for me it lasted a long time.
Smarie, you indeed need to find your own way and it sounds good that this feels different for you. I do hope it is. Choosing to stay in contact with him sounds a bit like an alcoholic choosing to still be around bars, and drinking buddies.
I do hope the situation works for you and you can immerse yourself in your own much needed recovery.
My heart writhed for 3 years longing to go back to him. (I actually counted days the way alcoholics do) It was indeed horrible. The pain had to be lived through and for me it lasted a long time.
Smarie, you indeed need to find your own way and it sounds good that this feels different for you. I do hope it is. Choosing to stay in contact with him sounds a bit like an alcoholic choosing to still be around bars, and drinking buddies.
I do hope the situation works for you and you can immerse yourself in your own much needed recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by Smarie78 
Just like the A needs to ignore the bottle as much as he wants it, I need to ignore the A. I am going to Al a non tomorrow again and therapy on Tuesday.
We must have been posting at the same time Smarie.
Alcoholics talk about AV and we codies have a similar codie voice or even sometimes the alcoholic showing up acting charming and pushing all of our buttons.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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No, I only wish that I had been healthy enough to do it sooner. Once we were apart I had a lot of time to think about things. While we were together I was always too busy gearing up for, reacting to, cleaning up after or recovering from the latest crisis to spend any time reflecting on my life because everything revolved around him.
So when I finally had time alone to think- we were no contact for quite awhile because he couldn't be bothered to get a phone- I started having some very uncomfortable epiphanies. The main one was that while I had identified his drinking as the cause of all the trouble in our relationship, I had never examined my part in the whole thing. Most people would have seen a few of those red flags- holes in the walls, urine and vomit covered clothing and furniture, blackout rages that lasted for days on end, nights in jail, trips to the ER, picking fights, stealing money buy booze, disrespect for me- and run screaming away never to return.
But not me. I convinced myself that we were soulmates, destined to be together. We survived a war together, saw friends die while we made it home alive. That had to be destiny, right?
It was, but not in the way I thought. I had to take a good, hard look at my own choices and behavior to understand that my codependency was what had "destined" me for such an unhealthy bond to such and unhealthy person. I cleaned up, covered up, made excuses, lied, smoothed over and constantly accepted unacceptable behavior. I had my own sickness, and I was stone cold sober doing all those crazy things. All those things I thought were helping that just made it easier for him to keep drinking.
He was married within a few months of my leaving, after his parents finally quit enabling him. He wanted a caretaker to keep his disease going, so he found another codependent to take my place. I'm grateful for that, despite the initial hurt, because it freed me up to heal and move on myself.
I am in a healthy relationship now. I waited three years and started dating as kind of a test for my recovery. I ended up meeting a wonderful man. He treats me like gold, thinks I'm perfect the way I am and is entirely capable of taking care of himself and his many animals (he farms in addition to his full time job). He is kind to my children. He goes to work five days a week, pays his bills on time and has great relationships with his adult children. He is fully divorced and untangled from his ex wife and has been for over five years. I've never seen him drink more than 2 beers in a sitting. He does his own laundry and hangs it on a clothesline to dry. He respects all of my boundaries. I could go on, but I think I've made my point.
Until I entered my own recovery, I always settled for crumbs and scraps in my romantic relationships. My partners were never true partners, they always had something going on- drugs, alcohol, cheating, anger problems, etc- that made them emotionally unavailable. I had to be healthy before I could engage in a healthy relationship.
So when I finally had time alone to think- we were no contact for quite awhile because he couldn't be bothered to get a phone- I started having some very uncomfortable epiphanies. The main one was that while I had identified his drinking as the cause of all the trouble in our relationship, I had never examined my part in the whole thing. Most people would have seen a few of those red flags- holes in the walls, urine and vomit covered clothing and furniture, blackout rages that lasted for days on end, nights in jail, trips to the ER, picking fights, stealing money buy booze, disrespect for me- and run screaming away never to return.
But not me. I convinced myself that we were soulmates, destined to be together. We survived a war together, saw friends die while we made it home alive. That had to be destiny, right?
It was, but not in the way I thought. I had to take a good, hard look at my own choices and behavior to understand that my codependency was what had "destined" me for such an unhealthy bond to such and unhealthy person. I cleaned up, covered up, made excuses, lied, smoothed over and constantly accepted unacceptable behavior. I had my own sickness, and I was stone cold sober doing all those crazy things. All those things I thought were helping that just made it easier for him to keep drinking.
He was married within a few months of my leaving, after his parents finally quit enabling him. He wanted a caretaker to keep his disease going, so he found another codependent to take my place. I'm grateful for that, despite the initial hurt, because it freed me up to heal and move on myself.
I am in a healthy relationship now. I waited three years and started dating as kind of a test for my recovery. I ended up meeting a wonderful man. He treats me like gold, thinks I'm perfect the way I am and is entirely capable of taking care of himself and his many animals (he farms in addition to his full time job). He is kind to my children. He goes to work five days a week, pays his bills on time and has great relationships with his adult children. He is fully divorced and untangled from his ex wife and has been for over five years. I've never seen him drink more than 2 beers in a sitting. He does his own laundry and hangs it on a clothesline to dry. He respects all of my boundaries. I could go on, but I think I've made my point.
Until I entered my own recovery, I always settled for crumbs and scraps in my romantic relationships. My partners were never true partners, they always had something going on- drugs, alcohol, cheating, anger problems, etc- that made them emotionally unavailable. I had to be healthy before I could engage in a healthy relationship.
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Thank you for all of your inspiration...
Ladyscrib, at first I thought you were talking of my qualifier as I too am coming to terms with the madness of each and every thing you have described - cleaning up, massive rage episodes, ruined furniture, police visits, ER trips, etc.. Even tonight as we spoke it began with his familiar behavior and verbal assault ( "you are stringing me along like your little puppy dog because you think I'm a little p**y you can do whatever you want to and have the upper hand with and you know it!"...and then of course the routine apology for his words but he was just upset *eye roll*).
I live in this idea, or rather I am trying to move out of this idea, that we are special and have found a love worth fighting for and that the good moments should not be ignored in favor of the bad. The thing is, is that the bad are really bad. Like you in your past, I don't know what it's like to have a real partner. Someone whom gives respect and security and loyalty. I don't know what it's like to feel safe with a partner and cared for in the physical sense. I only know I have done all the heavy lifting and bore the brunt of their lives, but have never felt I've been met in the middle. I'm tired. I love...but I am tired. I am tired of driving the moving van and paying for the groceries, of cleaning vomit and urine and coming across text messages not meant for me, of replacing what he's broken, of picking up the tab, of defending my fidelity that I have never so much has tip toed away from.
Lord let me feel tired enough, because God knows I am...let my heart feel tired too while my courage stays strong.
Ladyscrib, at first I thought you were talking of my qualifier as I too am coming to terms with the madness of each and every thing you have described - cleaning up, massive rage episodes, ruined furniture, police visits, ER trips, etc.. Even tonight as we spoke it began with his familiar behavior and verbal assault ( "you are stringing me along like your little puppy dog because you think I'm a little p**y you can do whatever you want to and have the upper hand with and you know it!"...and then of course the routine apology for his words but he was just upset *eye roll*).
I live in this idea, or rather I am trying to move out of this idea, that we are special and have found a love worth fighting for and that the good moments should not be ignored in favor of the bad. The thing is, is that the bad are really bad. Like you in your past, I don't know what it's like to have a real partner. Someone whom gives respect and security and loyalty. I don't know what it's like to feel safe with a partner and cared for in the physical sense. I only know I have done all the heavy lifting and bore the brunt of their lives, but have never felt I've been met in the middle. I'm tired. I love...but I am tired. I am tired of driving the moving van and paying for the groceries, of cleaning vomit and urine and coming across text messages not meant for me, of replacing what he's broken, of picking up the tab, of defending my fidelity that I have never so much has tip toed away from.
Lord let me feel tired enough, because God knows I am...let my heart feel tired too while my courage stays strong.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I live in this idea, or rather I am trying to move out of this idea, that we are special and have found a love worth fighting for and that the good moments should not be ignored in favor of the bad. The thing is, is that the bad are really bad.
No I do not regret leaving him six weeks before our wedding, returning the gifts, the ring, un-reserving the venue, etc. etc. It was the absolute best decision I ever made in my life.
Hang in there Smarie. It's only a week. As time goes on you'll feel better and better.
I am tired of driving the moving van and paying for the groceries, of cleaning vomit and urine and coming across text messages not meant for me, of replacing what he's broken, of picking up the tab, of defending my fidelity that I have never so much has tip toed away from.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I truly hope you continue on this path to a healthy identity and
don't look back. I hope the insight and understanding as to why
you accept this treatment is revealed to you and you can begin
to change your view of yourself and who you will allow into
your life to share your kind and caring self with.
You are going in the right direction, please don't turn around...
don't look back. I hope the insight and understanding as to why
you accept this treatment is revealed to you and you can begin
to change your view of yourself and who you will allow into
your life to share your kind and caring self with.
You are going in the right direction, please don't turn around...
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
I guess I differ from most when I believe that it is possible for people to change for the better. If you honestly believe you can change and you're partner is taking necessary steps to improve himself like AA and therapy, why couldn't it work. Love is a commitment not just a feeling. How else can someone justify the saying I love you but I'm not in love with you which basically doesn't mean anything. It's just a saying to justify actions. If what you're in doesn't work for you, change it. Don't overthink it. Everyone throws around labels if what they are and they aren't even using them correctly. Like codependency. True codependency isn't enabling it's a deep insecurity of relationships that usually goes back to someone's childhood. It's thrown around here as synonymous with enabling. It isn't. I've done so much therapy with a psychologist that I have a pretty good grasp on this stuff and enabling isn't codependency. It comes down to a fairly simple decision. If what you have doesn't work for you mentally and you feel worse about you in it the you do out of it, move on. You deserve it and the alcoholic in recovery doesn't need it. Both deserve a fresh start but don't expect to find the perfect healthy relationship, it doesn't exist. Everyone has baggage. Some is just bigger than others. Good luck.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hi, perhaps this part of my story will help you. I broke up with my addict ex in January 2016, we stayed no contact for 3 months. I knew he was working on sobriety and got a new, well paid job..and one day out of nowhere he returned money he owed me. So after 3 months we started to talk again (Skype and email as he moved to different country). It seemed like that the man I fell in love with at the first place was back. After 3 months of electronic contact he bought me tickets to visit him. He wanted to show me city he was from and we were both excited.
First few days were great BUT he refused to talk about what happened. It needed it and he just said it's in the past and wanted to start fresh. Perhaps he was sober for 6 months but he was nowhere close to be partner with whom I could discuss issues. Ever issue that came up he started to play victim and it was too "painful" for him to discuss it.
I realized he caused me way too much pain and hurt and basically then it was too painful for him to discuss it.
I broke up with him again and am on 4 th month of no contact. I believe he has severe mental health issues that cause him to tend to take drugs and alcohol and even if sober now, he will never change. In the end, you have to ask yourself "is this the best I can do?" and the answer is no. I can do better.
I believe you too.
First few days were great BUT he refused to talk about what happened. It needed it and he just said it's in the past and wanted to start fresh. Perhaps he was sober for 6 months but he was nowhere close to be partner with whom I could discuss issues. Ever issue that came up he started to play victim and it was too "painful" for him to discuss it.
I realized he caused me way too much pain and hurt and basically then it was too painful for him to discuss it.
I broke up with him again and am on 4 th month of no contact. I believe he has severe mental health issues that cause him to tend to take drugs and alcohol and even if sober now, he will never change. In the end, you have to ask yourself "is this the best I can do?" and the answer is no. I can do better.
I believe you too.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Smarie.....I want to say to you.....Don't let the pain, that you are describing, confuse you. I think that many people think that just because they are experiencing pain, it means that they made the wrong decision. They may interpret that the pain of separation means that there was "true love". "If I am hurting,,it must mean that I love him...and, if I live him--it means that he loves me, too".
This kind of reasoning has led hoards of people back into the fires of hell.
I also want to say to you that you will have to accept that you are going to feel the pain of separation. Expect it. Prepare for it. Endure it.
It will not kill you. It won't be a Maypole dance, but, it won't kill you.
The break-up of any relationship (or, the loss through any means) results in the same kind of pain---whether the relationship was good or bad!
Mother Nature arranged it like this for some very good reasons....one, being, for the propagation of the species.
I know that it feels like the pain is a big black hole that will swallow you up...but, it doesn't.
You are going to have to fight for yourself. Just like you would have to fight against an addiction.
First thing--expect that you are going to be grieving for quite some time. It won't last forever, of course, but it won't go away overnight. It will be a gradual process of several weeks to several months.
Second thing--make a detailed list of all the things that tortures you during the relationship.....keep it with you at all times. Read it over, and over, and over...every time you feel weak in the knees. Throw yourself into your own program of recovery. You should be so busy with that, that, you don't have much time for anything else. It needs to be your first priority!
Third thing---stay structured. Regular eating and sleeping times. Planned activities for therapy and other people. etc.
Do not allow yourself to drift into daydreaming about the "good times". That is a trap. Stop yourself, every time you begin to do that.....
Keep your head in charge, You cannot trust your heart,,,,you are too vulnerable!
You are fighting the no contact, I know....Just know that every time you interface with him..you will slide back . That goes for any kind of contact.
You can move beyond this, eventually...but you have to fight for yourself....
This kind of reasoning has led hoards of people back into the fires of hell.
I also want to say to you that you will have to accept that you are going to feel the pain of separation. Expect it. Prepare for it. Endure it.
It will not kill you. It won't be a Maypole dance, but, it won't kill you.
The break-up of any relationship (or, the loss through any means) results in the same kind of pain---whether the relationship was good or bad!
Mother Nature arranged it like this for some very good reasons....one, being, for the propagation of the species.
I know that it feels like the pain is a big black hole that will swallow you up...but, it doesn't.
You are going to have to fight for yourself. Just like you would have to fight against an addiction.
First thing--expect that you are going to be grieving for quite some time. It won't last forever, of course, but it won't go away overnight. It will be a gradual process of several weeks to several months.
Second thing--make a detailed list of all the things that tortures you during the relationship.....keep it with you at all times. Read it over, and over, and over...every time you feel weak in the knees. Throw yourself into your own program of recovery. You should be so busy with that, that, you don't have much time for anything else. It needs to be your first priority!
Third thing---stay structured. Regular eating and sleeping times. Planned activities for therapy and other people. etc.
Do not allow yourself to drift into daydreaming about the "good times". That is a trap. Stop yourself, every time you begin to do that.....
Keep your head in charge, You cannot trust your heart,,,,you are too vulnerable!
You are fighting the no contact, I know....Just know that every time you interface with him..you will slide back . That goes for any kind of contact.
You can move beyond this, eventually...but you have to fight for yourself....
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Please don't sell yourself so short. Every minute you spend trying to mother that guy into health is a minute of life you never get back and a minute in which you might find an actual partner, not a parasite.
The fact that he's still so belligerent and frankly, nasty, says all he wants is to go back to the status quo as soon as possible. Adults accept consequences for their actions and make amends to those they hurt.
Protect yourself. Nothing but more pain and entanglement lies down that road.
The fact that he's still so belligerent and frankly, nasty, says all he wants is to go back to the status quo as soon as possible. Adults accept consequences for their actions and make amends to those they hurt.
Protect yourself. Nothing but more pain and entanglement lies down that road.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
I am the alcoholic who destroyed our marriage. Too much hurt for my ex, too much damage. She started divorce stuff and emailed me with a not angry 'This is what I want...' statement. I agreed to everything she asked for with as much grace as I was able to have. No anger, regrets and sadness. Just like her- you need to live a happy, safe, peaceful and fulfilling life without looking over your shoulder. Love in it's purest form is unconditional I am not sure if that is ever able to be reached, except in Hollywood. I hope this is useful. PJ
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How about you start with the fact that he has ZERO respect for your feelings and your wishes? He goes through a few motions and that is supposed to wipe out all the damage he has inflicted.
I get the feeling you think that your weakening and taking him back is inevitable. Not so. You have choices every step of the way. And I suspect that most of the "love" you feel for him is a product of your own imagination rather than something based on the reality of your experience with him. I don't doubt that there were moments when your connection felt AMAZING. But having those feelings doesn't make it a healthy or viable relationship.
If I were you, I'd start spending some effort figuring out what it is in yourself you were trying to fill with this relationship. To the extent you can satisfy those needs for yourself (and trust me, it's possible to do that), you won't feel like this relationship was THE ANSWER. It was just something that FELT like The Answer.
I get the feeling you think that your weakening and taking him back is inevitable. Not so. You have choices every step of the way. And I suspect that most of the "love" you feel for him is a product of your own imagination rather than something based on the reality of your experience with him. I don't doubt that there were moments when your connection felt AMAZING. But having those feelings doesn't make it a healthy or viable relationship.
If I were you, I'd start spending some effort figuring out what it is in yourself you were trying to fill with this relationship. To the extent you can satisfy those needs for yourself (and trust me, it's possible to do that), you won't feel like this relationship was THE ANSWER. It was just something that FELT like The Answer.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and to answer your initial question--I have never once regretted leaving. When I moved back across the country, leaving him behind, I stopped on the way at a shrine that was along the route, said prayers for both of us, and let him go once and for all. I still have fond thoughts of him at times, hope someday he finds healing, but I've never regretted my choice to leave when I did.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
This video is the very best explanation i have ever seen or heard
about what happens in our minds that makes us stay or go back
to unhealthy relationships. Its a little long, some may find it too
academic, but you will come away with so much understanding.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AHy9-n9piS8
Thanks Smarie for sharing your story, it has spurred me along in my
recovery to new levels of understanding.
about what happens in our minds that makes us stay or go back
to unhealthy relationships. Its a little long, some may find it too
academic, but you will come away with so much understanding.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AHy9-n9piS8
Thanks Smarie for sharing your story, it has spurred me along in my
recovery to new levels of understanding.
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