hearthealth

*This* is what I was going through two years ago when I cancelled the divorce. I should have never cancelled. Ibwas doing It alone without SR. It also can explain why I'm imagining collapse as I doubt leaving once again. Keep strong.

qtpi

I suggest this become a sticky- there is so much good information and ideas about the "urge to return." I can't say I have any suggestions... because I am fighting the same "urge" or "craving." But reading everything has given me so much food for thought.

I have two really good friends I call if I get overwhelmed with the craving. Either one looks me right in the eye and says, " NO. You are NOT going back." They are substitute parents for the child in me who wants to believe in a fantasy and would be taken advantage of IF - god forbid- I foolishly returned. Maybe this is an immature solution or indicates I am codie, but it is working for me and is helpful.

In my clear moments, I know I did the right thing and I am headed in the right direction. I have to wonder why does the right thing feels so wrong sometimes? It makes me think of the weight loss diet I went on in 2015. I was successful but I was so sad about not eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Why is it the worst food for you tastes the best? LOL.

Sometime I can think for myself and I am reminded of the bad times and what life would REALLY be like if I returned. When I see it clearly, the answer to stay away is clear too. The urge or craving I feel is a lie- the lie is that he will love me and change and we will enjoy a happy life together.

Hummer

Thanks mylifeismine for the link to the video - very informative

FireSprite

Because the easiest thing to do, BY FAR, is to slip right back into old routines. It is familiar & comfortable even when it includes things like urine-soaked furniture, random vomit, police and ER visits (qualities which, btw, are never used to describe Great Unique Love Affairs).

And while this is not the most welcomed-comment around here -ever- the fact is, it is also easier because it means you (general "you" here - not personal) get to keep dancing to his dysfunction & shove your own issues to the back of the priority line, effectively ignoring your own codependency and behaviors. It gives you something to focus on externally & when you find yourself running in exhausted, endless circles around his latest dramas & crises, you can wring your hands blaming him for keeping you in this dynamic & absorbing all of your time & energy. Martyrdom hiding in plain sight.


Smarie, here is the single best & most hated piece of advice I've ever received at SR - "You don't have a problem, you have a solution that you don't like."


My question is that in ALL of this that you've been dealing with about him - what have you started doing differently FOR YOU? Have you dedicated time to reading about all of this or attending meetings or therapy of some sort? Even if he was ready right this minute to fully commit to Working A Lifetime of Recovery, it won't matter unless something also changes on your side.... it is never solely about the addict getting sober.

How do you stop these old routines? You have to force yourself to do/think/be new things. When you hear your AV going down the wrong path you have to force it in a new direction. You have to do this 100's of times before it becomes habit. When you find yourself worrying about him you force yourself to worry about something FOR YOU instead. It won't happen by itself & it won't happen quickly, but it WILL happen with the right effort. I'm sorry you're struggling but know that we ALL go through this!

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "Classic Reading"

Mike
Moderator, SR

ladyscribbler

I didn't mean to imply that my current relationship is perfect. I was just trying to make the point that in a healthy relationship with a healthy person, good times never have a price. I don't have to endure tirades of verbal abuse and walk on eggshells so that hopefully, one day, maybe, we might be able to have peaceful, sober night at home together.

I left and went back, despite my gut feeling that he was lying about "going to meetings" and "working on" sobriety. I knew nothing had really changed, but I was still scared not to. The upside was that after several weeks of peace away from him, I knew that I couldn't get back on the crazy merry-go-round and that gave me the strength to finally leave for good, but not before my kids were subjected to one last massive binge of drunken rage and destruction.

Yes, some people do seek out and maintain lasting recovery. But if I had waited for that to happen, I'd still have my life and all my dreams on hold. I'd still be stuck in the cycle with everything revolving around him, getting nowhere, hoping for him to change or die so that my life could finally start. That was codependent thinking at it's finest. I've applied to graduate school and am looking at homes to buy pending the final approval of my mortgage application. Somewhat stressful, but all in all a far superior experience compared to babysitting a grown man and waiting for those fleeting good times. At the end of this stress I'll have something to show for all my efforts, rather than a pile of broken furniture and empty tissue boxes.

olow

Yes, yes I do have doubts. I am still reeling. I have 2 states worth of distance and that helps. I could never do what you are doing and be in physical contact with the xabf. OMG, I would be right back with him.
We have messaged on and off online from time to time, but that just sends me back reeling (the video explained a lot of it, I suppose).
I keep my page of some of what he did and said to me in my notebook. I find myself having to go back to it from time to time, but for the most part, I will FORCE myself to replay those events out in my head to override the thoughts of needing to be with him.
It hurts intensely. I know. I live it Every. Single. Day. I am not yet in a healthy place. At all.

atalose

I’m sorry you felt like people were “demanding” that you go no contact, I’m sure that was not anyone’s intent to tell you what to do. The going no contact is similar to the alcoholic having to abstain from consuming alcohol, codies often need to abstain from their own drug of choice (partner) in order to break the toxic cycle and begin the healing. The alcoholic isn’t going to get sober by just giving up the hard liquor while still drinking the beer. And the codie isn’t going to move on and away from the toxic relationship by just saying no to a relationship but still having one over the phone.

I know you see it as him making a big change in his life by moving into sober living but it’s his story, his history, he’s done that before. History doesn’t repeat itself – people repeat history. Often our expectation take on a whole new fantasy life of their own and we often that we often tie our hopes to the least.

I’m glad you are still seeing your therapist and I hope you explore why you grasped on so tightly to someone who wasn’t even really present full time in the relationship. Why you continued to think that a man who is still married was your future. And the shame and embarrassment you feel towards the relationship where you can’t even tell your family about it or him. This is where you are going to find the answers to your future happiness, not with someone else repeating their own alcoholic history.

AnvilheadII

that we are special and have found a love worth fighting for

if it helps, the above is a myth. it's like a burrito, denial and rationalization, wrapped up in a fairy tale. shedding our Harlequin Romance view of Love and Relationships is necessary, if we want to ever find ourselves fully engaged with a real person who is fully present to us.

codies get themselves into some deep doo doo with the bit about sooooooulllll mates and star crossed lovers and beating the odds.

olow

Well stated, AnvilheadII.
Even more reassurance that it was not as I thought it to be with xabf.

NewRomanMan

So, let me get this straight: He's an alcoholic with a tendency to relapse; potentially violent when drunk; has cheated on you; lied to you and is married to someone else. Am I missing something? Take some time off. Let him show you how much you mean to him by getting a divorce, and then let him show you how much he means to himself by working a program and getting some recovery going on.

Seren

Ah, yes...the Harlequin Romance effect. At this time of year, the ION television network is playing made-for-tv movies continuously. They are all Christmas romance stories with the same basic theme. It's all very romantic and heartwarming but very much not real.

What I learned is that real people and real relationships can be wonderful and beautiful and challenging. That a relationship can be beautiful in the grocery shopping, the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning just because you are with someone who loves you and whom you love. There is a balance. Neither person sacrifices their entire being to please the other. Each works for the benefit of the other. No daily excitement or drama, no "terminal uniqueness", just peace, mutual respect, and joy. So much joy!

I hope, Smarie, that you find that some day.

Carol Star

This is a very wise group.....

tan28sm

Olow,
I have the same thoughts as you.. even him cheating on me and getting another girl pregnant while I was having our son, who was a month early (from the stress of the relationship no doubt) and in the NICU.. I STILL let him con me back into a physical relationship.. (I know, ewww) I had to stay away from him, no contact. I even flew to Florida for a week to visit family in an attempt to run from him (and from the drama) unfortunately I had to come back.. I so wish I could move a few states away. My only saving grace right now is that he is in jail. He violated his parole (over and over and over, I might add) it caught up with him and he has been in 4 months. He called me once the day after he was in and I had put my phone on the charger so I missed the call. Godly intervention?? He hasn't called or wrote and I have not called or wrote. It has been helpful, but I regret to say that if he was out ... after all the horror that he put me through... I still can say I have some love for him. Real love? Idk.. AND HE abandoned me and our son for drugs and homewrecker (enabler) who is now pregnant as I said and putting money on his books and paying for his attorney, etc. and who he tells his mom he's going to marry (he told me that he was going to marry me less than a year ago.. :/ ) ... after all that .. I still fantasize that he will get clean and we will be happy.. even though I know that it will never be true. Like that new song by Gnash goes, "I hate you, I love you .. I hate that I love you..."
I feel sick most days, depressed, like I want to throw up when I have intruding thoughts, like I can't breathe.. and I KNOW that its my perception that's causing me to have these problems and I can't seem to change it. I kicked him out in January, had my son in March 2016.. and I STILL have this lingering over me. I feel for all of you here, thank you for being here. You are my strength to keep going.
T

NYCDoglvr

In Alanon others pointed out that, despite my feelings, I didn't trust or respect him. When that's gone no healthy relationship is possible. Thinking otherwise is denial and rationalization.

GreenEyes02

No, I do not regret leaving. It's been a few days and while I am certainly grieving the loss of the good parts of the relationship and the hopes and dreams it came with, I feel such relief. We had been talking marriage and kids. I know now that this was never going to happen. He fundamentally cannot do these things with any success while he is an active alcoholic. Even if he gets sober (which I hope he does) he is not going to have that life with me. Mentally I have already moved on. But my heart will take a little bit longer. I don't like to think of him alone and sad in his apartment, but he chose this. I have been devouring stories of people who have been in relationships with As (those who have left and those who have not) over the last few days and more and more I am convinced I did the right thing for myself.

If he never changed and remained exactly the same forever, I would not be happy. And sadly, chances are that he will either stay exactly the same, or get worse. It is truly tragic and I would not wish alcoholism on anyone. He deserves better, but more importantly (for me) - I deserve much much more than the anxiety, fear, chaos and uncertainty that being with an active A provides. He seeks out chaos, or creates it when he cannot find it. I am extremely adverse to chaos.

I had a really good talk about it with my dad last night. This time last year my dad has to "break up" with a friend who is an A. This friend was in his men's quartet and would show up to shows drunk, would just not show up for rehearsal, was completely unreliable. My dad could tell just by looking at him when he had been drinking. They put up with this for 5 years. At first they thought it was kind of funny but they really had no idea he was an alcoholic until they saw more of the pattern. None of them wanted to think that their friend was an alcoholic. They covered for him, cleaned him up, made excuses for him, generally enabled him without even realizing what they were doing. Eventually my dad had enough and told the other 2 guys that either the A was out or they were disbanding because he could not handle the chaos anymore. It was really difficult and they felt badly about doing it, but in the end they released him from his obligations with the quartet. Since then they have had a year free of chaos (they quickly got a new baritone). My dad told me last night that he still sometimes felt bad - that perhaps if they had kept him on it would have helped with his drinking. But I told him that he did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure his old friend's drinking. I think that helped give him some peace of mind.

At this point I would never knowingly date an A or addict again, even a RA. I hope I can recognize the signs next time.

firebolt

I never regretted leaving, if anything I kicked my own butt all over the place for staying so long. Equally unproductive..

I did and still do from time to time have pangs of missing him, but I can quickly talk myself out of that by remembering the bad, and by remembering how sick I was in the relationship with him.

I can also rationalize where the "missing him" comes from. It s not missing him the person so much, but missing warmth of someone in the winter, missing a companion to do things with, and missing the nice things he did for me, and the laughs we shared.

BUT, my friends and family laugh with me and do nice things with and for me. And the warmth, well, I bought some wool socks and an electric blanket . If I'm super honest, when it counted, he WASN'T a good friend. He COULDN'T friend up to help me when I needed it - he was too wounded for that. Toward the end, he hurt me more than he positively influenced my life, and my only regret standing is how long I justified all that.

TobeC

A lot of these stories are just sad. So much pain.��

BeachPlease

Jeez this hit home so hard, I had to set my mug down.

Ifnotforgrace

Leaving was the BEST move I ever made and Al-Anon was the support system that helped me understand my own degenerative condition of co-dependence and the cycle I was in. Through the 12-Steps I was able to regain my sanity and to mature spiritually..for that I am grateful. Leaving saved my life and had I not done so..I would not be able to LIVE (emphasis on the first part) and let live today.

I had to learn the difference between an attachment and a relationship. I had come to mistake being needed..for being loved. I had suffered mentally, emotionally and physically from the affects of alcoholism and had become as sick or sicker than my qualifiers (which included a spouse and later an adult child) I had to heal and learn and unlearn a lot of things. I had to change my thinking & perspectives so that I could acquire skills like detachment so that I could come out of denial & become healthy again.

Today I know what a healthy relationships not only look like but how to participate in them. I also know that should circumstances change and ANY of the relationships I am currently in become toxic...that I could end or distance myself from them and continue onward and upward...