Katchie

Hello all..ya know, ever time I think I'm "over" everything that happened, something happens to drudge up bad feelings. This time its my sister and a cousin that has always been just as close to me as my sister. Both of these women know what my exah did to me, namely the marital rape that happened. I found out last month that my cousin and her husband invited my ex and one of my sons to an NBA game that they happened to have tickets for and they all went together for the evening. Then, on Thanksgiving my sister tells me that she and her husband had invited my ex and the boys to Thanksgiving dinner with her and her extended family. They didn't attend. I'm fine with my boys being extended an invitation, but I can't help but feel very betrayed by them since they are the only two who know some of the worst parts about my marriage to my exah. Do I have a right to feel this way or am I going overboard? I've tried to put it aside but I'm having great difficulty doing that and have been on the verge of tears about it this evening. Thoughts?

Nata1980

Are your sisters close with your ex?

I can see them inviting him "by proxy" because they want to see your kids?

Not sure what to make of it - I am not familiar with your family dynamics - if it was my sister - it would be an odd thing for her to do unless she wanted to see DS and it was "dad's weekend".
You are not wrong to feel betrayed - I don't believe there is such a thing as wrong feelings. You feel what you feel. You can always tell your sister that it makes your uncomfortable and reasons why it is so - and then the ball is in their court....

Katchie

Nata,

Thanks for responding. Yeah, I haven't been on here in a while. My kids are all older--only have one senior in high school and the rest are grown. None of it makes sense. I have a real hard time understanding why she would invite him to spend the holiday with her family, her sister-in-law and father-in-law. I could understand my cousin doing that because her husband and my exah were friends long before I met either of them and I know her husband has no idea about what he did to me. But the both of these instances together is just too much coming from those who supposedly care about me.

Seren

Hi Katchie! I'm sorry this has thrown you for a loop, and I don't blame you at all. I would feel betrayed as well. "So, you invited my rapist to the game and to Thanksgiving? Ok then!"

If it were me, I would wait until I calmed down, think long and hard about how to discuss this with them...and then have a calm talk with them about why they thought this was OK.

Sending hugs!

Refiner

I'm with Seren. There was just too much with what your Ex did to you to give your sister a pass on this one. It would be hard for me to hold my tongue, that's for sure. I agree to maybe wait until you calm down more. But this needs addressed and it should be done in person, not over the phone, and not in an email.

maia1234

Katchie,
Wow, I too would be hurt. My aunt (on my side) switched her will from having me and axh as a couple in her will to us "separate". I am the executor of her estate and saw it in her will when I was looking for her social security number for my uncle. My aunt does not know my history with axh, but really. You are my family and you keep him in your will??

I am sorry, I validate your hurt feelings. Its just sucks. I agree with Seren, take your time and think it out. There will be a time and place to discuss this with your family. Hugs my friend!!

Katchie

Thank you all for your input. I didn't really have anyone to share this with and it was starting to boil over in me. I will take some time to think it over and how I will approach the matter in the hopes they can both put my shoes on their feet and understand how it has made me feel. Both of their husbands were good friends with my exah, especially my cousins husband who was my ex's roommate in college, and I wonder if they've continued their relationship with him because of my absence upon moving away. It doesn't matter, those ties should have ceased as far as I'm concerned, at least between my cousin and sister and him. I'm probably over thinking it and just need to have the talk with them after I've calmed and less emotional. Thanks for letting me share.

JK130

As you're thinking it over, let me share. I did let a few relatives know that I felt betrayed...and they chose him. SO, now on special days I am alone, still more betrayed, and embarrassed that they know and don't care.

LexieCat

When you talk to them, try to presume that they didn't intend to hurt you or to ignore your feelings. I think often people who haven't experienced the kind of violence you did don't really understand how awful it really was. It's easy to say they SHOULD have known, but the fact is, they more than likely didn't.

So approaching it from the standpoint that you assume they didn't intend to be hurtful, but this is how it felt for you, is the way to go--it seems pretty clear that these folks are still important to you, so it pays to avoid being accusatory.

Hugs, let us know how it turns out. I think you're absolutely right to tell them how you felt--people can't change if they don't know how their actions affect others.

Katchie

Great advice, thanks Lexi