Expanding

I was sad earlier because I realized that while I did not participate in Thanksgiving or Christmas festivities with my ex's family the last few years (I tended to bail last minute... it was just too stressful and draining), it sunk in this year that I do not even have a choice.

Instead of having the ability to turn something down I just don't have any options when it comes to family. It is making me really sad that this was the hand I was dealt when it came to family relations... and because of those family relations it impacted every other part of my life... I will be overcome with sadness and grief and my mind will still want to associate it with my ex...

I think this is the first holiday season I will spend alone/single and it's hitting me so hard. When home alone I won't have the mental reassurance of, "well, at least exA loves me". No matter how messed up things were with my FOO I always had exA to fallback on to prove that I wasn't undesirable, even if he couldn't love me in the way I needed.... even though I didn't even spend the holiday with him I still used him as that crutch.

This may be the first time I experience a holiday season facing the full emotional brunt of this and years' past. I know we need to feel it to heal it but I haven't felt this much pain since March and it's throwing me off. I thought the most painful parts were behind me and clearly they are not. It feels like an upset... I don't know if I can go through that type of pain again so soon.

Funny because 8 months ago I wouldn't have considered 8 months to be "so soon" but it is to me.... those basic guidelines I heard of a year seem quick to me now... two feels more comfortable, maybe 3 before these types of revelations don't knock me off my rocker.

I always wanted a loving family, and the seasons make it abundantly clear that that is not what I have. Ouch

honeypig

Expanding, I relate to your post so much. XAH moved out the day after Thanksgiving last year, and while the holidays were hard in one way last year, I think they may be hard in a different way this year. Last year I was somewhat stunned but I was also angry; this year, my trusty Shield of Anger is not so available to me. I read recently that "anger is fear's bodyguard", and that seems pretty accurate. I'm struggling w/a lot of self-pity lately, and it's such a useless and unattractive emotion, especially when you KNOW you're really blessed, in so many ways...

Like you, I used to retreat into XAH's and my "perfect world", figuring as long as I had that, it didn't have to matter to me how I related to the rest of the world.

I'm sure there have been other threads on this holiday topic, but I bumped this one simply b/c I was reading thru her other threads:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-holidaze.html

I know that we have the ability to make our own families when the one we were born into is just not able to provide what we need. I also know I haven't made nearly the progress in that direction that I thought I would, that I need to take responsibility for that not happening, and that I need to make that a priority in the coming year.

Seren

Expanding and Honeypig

I understand that 'holiday blues' much more than I ever did before. My husband passed about 3 weeks before Thanksgiving last year, and I don't remember really anything about the holidays last year.

Without my husband, I will have to begin to make other holiday plans for myself, and I don't know what to do. Some suggest volunteering at a homeless shelter that serves a holiday meal. Others suggest making your own holiday meal so that you can invite other 'singletons' over.

Not really sure I'm up for either of those options. My sister is on the opposite coast, and I just returned home from visiting my folks who are still alive.

Maybe we could hold an SR Thanksgiving?!

honeypig

I'm in! Usually I get asked to bring a salad, so count on me for that...

letitend

I can relate to what you are saying too. I didn't eat with xa's family, but he was around and a part of my holidays for the last 10 years. In 2014, we weren't together but he still came to eat with us at Christmas. This year, undoubtedly he will be with his new gf and her family. I usually help my mom cook but we aren't cooking this year because there are only 3 adults amd 2 kids to cook for. We were going to go out to eat to avoid the cooking and cleaning part.

I wasn't necessarily bummed about it. However, I mentioned to a woman I work with what was going on, and she invited my whole family. At first, I was going to decline and then thought, nah, I am going over there. I know her and a lot of her family and they are fun and super nice. I think alot of ppl might invite you if you let them know that you have nothing to do? Have you mentioned to anyone at work or in other social circles? It might not be the same as usual, but in a way, isn't that better?

Just wanted to share a different perspective. Expanding, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. You have a lot to be thankful for this year. And I have often thought, it would be wonderful to connect with some of the SR family on the other side of the keyboard!

Expanding

Honeypig her post made me cry. I don't get it, if we all want the same things why does this happen? I imagine that those who don't or can't express these feelings want the same things deep down, to be part of a loving family? It's like we get in our own ways and sabotage from the inside out

Maudcat

I'm in. I will bring the pecan pie.

honeypig

I think that's a large part of it, Expanding; I think you hit the nail on the head. And I think that's what a lot of recovery has been for me, learning to get out of my own way, learning how to let life flow and learning to trust that it DOES flow, all w/o any help from li'l ol' me.

And it is A WORK IN PROGRESS. DEFINITELY.

If I had a penny for every time I've heard/read that I already have everything I need, I'd be able to take us all out for Thanksgiving dinner and probably a movie afterwards, too!

Maudcat

Welp, I was a teacher and got nice long breaks at holiday time. We often travelled during that time. Not that our families were so awful. About par with what others have been saying about FOO. It was just a good time to travel and, frankly, having lived 6 hours away from family for so long, we weren't all that invested in getting together specifically for the holidays. Maybe, Expanding, go somewhere a little different for some time during the holiday season? Doesn't have to be expensive or even very far, just different. on a related note, common wisdom around the teaching profession was, once you retired or left the business, to plan a trip to coincide with the opening of the school year. Distraction theory at its best. Peace.

Seren

Just brought the 36 lb turkey home from the market...I'll pick up the Tofurkey, too, for those veg/vegans among us

Maudcat

36 pounds, yikes! Going to have to cook it for 3 days, Seren.

letitend

I am *really* laughing at this! I thought the same thing, 36 pounds, holy cow. Are you going to smoke the thing in a huge smoker for 24 hours or what.

DesertEyes

Same here. My biological family have all passed away, but none of them were loving by any stretch of the imagination. Ex ran off with three other guys some years ago, so I don't have any of the "traditional" relatives.

What has helped me deal with the holidays is one of the "slogans" I heard around here:

"I would rather live alone, than wish I did."

That really resonates with me. Even more so on the holidays. In terms of action what I have done is create _new_ holiday traditions just for me.

I have a little plastic Xmas tree that is the perfect size for my apartment. Every year I go find some small ornament in the shape of a butterfly to add to the tree. I invite people over from my meetings who are also without family and we just ignore the rest of the world and create our own "family of choice". There is one young lady who insists she wants me to be her "ACA brother", and her husband just laughs and calls me "in-law".

I go shopping for _me_. And I do it _before_ Halloween so I don't have to deal with the crowds. I buy myself something that I would never get otherwise because it would be too frivolous. This year it was a book, brand new at Barnes and Noble. ( I never get a book brand new, always from a used book store and when I'm done it goes to the local library. )

No, I don't have what I want, which would be DNA related people who were kind, loving and not dysfunctional. If I am willing to give up on the "DNA related" part then I find that I can have what I want, and enjoy it much more than if I had those pesky DNA people around

Mike

dandylion

DesertEyes......"DNA people".....LOL!

Seriously....I do really. really see the wisdom (and healthiness) of how you have devised to cope and compensate with this holiday challenge that can be so painful for those of us who do not have the Norman Rockwell version at our disposal.

Seren

Hey, if I start on Tuesday it will turn out Jakes, I swear!

Who has a table big enough for all of us?! It might be a bring-your-own-cardtable affair

honeypig

I have a 40 x 60-foot pole barn on my property that my brother the contractor used to use, just got it emptied this past spring--does that help?

Might be a tad bit drafty and chilly, depending on the weather...

teatreeoil007

I remember my first Christmas alone. I had to work through it, but between shifts I was alone. And, as it turned out, I wasn't as alone as I thought I was-though at first I was bummed about it. Overall, it was a good experience, though. Why? Because I realized that the "holidays" are really just another day in the grand scheme of things. And I realized that in many ways our society puts much emphasis on these few select days. Well...what about the rest of the year?!? Don't all those other days count just as much? What is it that makes these few days so paramount?

So paramount that we feel pressured to spend them a 'certain way' and when they don't line up with our expectations we feel 'let down'.

So what's the answer? Never have any expectations? God forbid. But, I guess my point is that we can make these 'special' days entirely 'special' in our own special way(s). And, this Thanksgiving you can give thanks for not being in relationship with an abusive addict; as well as not being around your dysfunctional FOO. (the "dys" in dysfunctional is Latin for pain). Sure those relationships are functional to a degree, but painfully so....

Yes, you feel a sort of 'pain' for something being missing this year for the holidays, but that pain is less than the pain of being in dysfunctional relationships.

But, here's the deal: We can have a sort of dysfunctional relationship with ourselves that needs to be worked out too. So, maybe make these holidays all about healing within yourself what needs to be healed. And you know complete healing will never happen as long as you are in painful relationships that keep inflicting pain and creating more wounds. You would never heal. So, now you have the chance to heal-even if it means spending the holidays alone.

The holidays have always been a little 'different' for me anyways because I've had to work on so dang many of them. But what has got me and my family through is that we created our own way of celebrating.....It's just a few days out of an entire year. Then "poof" New Years comes and goes and we are into a new year with all of its resolutions and life goes on and the holidays are soon a thing of the past.

maia1234

E,
I am sorry that you are struggling with the holidays. Today our church worked a soup kitchen. There are so many people so less fortunate then me. I get back more then I give by helping feed these people in need.

A few years back I took my whole family and we volunteered at a shelter on Thanksgiving day, serving many, many people. I remember that thanksgiving, unlike many thanksgivings I had had before. It was so rewarding and these people are so grateful that you are "giving" up your holiday to make their day special.

Please reach out in your area to see if they need volunteers. It is beyond rewarding my friend. Then when friends ask you what you did, they will think that you are an awesome person for giving back and helping support your community.

Seren

Good morning, Expanding! How are you holding up?

aasharon90

Today, even many yrs sober down the road,
it has come down to me being the one to push
family away still. Because of the lack of communication
and understanding between us, I have chosen
to distance myself from all of them as selfish
as it sounds, but so true for me.

They opened the door for me to come
thru, but it seems that I have to adjust
to their rules, their liking, their thinking,
and I just cant.

My family believes that my continued
reliance on AA is just a crutch and that
because I haven't had a drink in so long,
I can live a happy, normal life, in which
I have with AA as my guideline.

Yes, it is sad that I have chosen this way
of life, but I have accepted it because I
have changed over the yrs and understand
addiction and family dysfunction.

I cant change them just as they cant change
me. Then to be able to sit at the same table
pretending everything is normal between
us. AWKWARD. No thank you. My recovery
life today eliminates as much awkwardness
as possible or anything that would put it to
the test.

The longer we remain sober incorporating
a program of recovery as a guideline in all
areas of our lives, we become strong inside
and out wearing our recovery amore to ward
off negativeness, awkwardness, people, places
and things that ruffle our feathers.

We have a choice today in which battle
we chose to fight, encore or accept.

Living a healthier way of life makes
me happy.

I hope you can achieve that happiness too.