Struggling With The Holidays
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Struggling With The Holidays
Hi,
I'm having a really hard time with the holidays!! Memories keep flooding my brain, good ones! Then comes the aching pain, just when I thought I had my emotions under control!
Everything I do to prepare or buy for the holidays are things my STBXAH did together. And for the last 3 years we had his mother living with us, so she is in my thoughts as well.
How can this still cause my heart to ache so much, and continue to be so painful? My AH was a very abusive man the last at least year we were together! Why do the HAPPY memories seem to be so vivid, but the abuse seems to fade to the background.
I am still grieving, I guess. I had to leave my home of 12 years, last February, never been back.
I filed for divorce last January, and still don't have a mediation date. So I guess I have many more months to go before my divorce is finalized. I think I need some closure.
The letters from my AH attorney keep coming. The lastest, we supposedly owe 1600.00 to the IRS for tax year 2014. His attorney is demanding I pay it!
I send a letter to my attorney, that my AH had done the taxes that year. He has a copy in our home. From what was sent to me, it appears my AH put an amount on a wrong line, and there is no 1098 for the amount. So we don't owe anything. I explained this to my attorney, in an email. Stated since my AH has all the forms and the tax return in the house for that year, and I don't have access to it, he needs to call the IRS and take care of the matter. Haven't heard back. How bold to think I would pay it all, or if my AH choose not to call the IRS, or file an amended return, he can pay for it!!
Yet despite all this my heart is truely broken. How do you ever trust anyone again? When do the memories be happy, but don't make you start crying for what was lost and will never be?
I just want so badly to move on. I have in a lot of ways, but still must be clinging to bits of the past.
My heart bleeds for everyone on this site that is feeling the same kind of pain.
I have found some peace but then the memories rear their ugly heads!!
I hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving! Thank you for listening. Not sure it makes sense. Just been having a rough week!
Z
I'm having a really hard time with the holidays!! Memories keep flooding my brain, good ones! Then comes the aching pain, just when I thought I had my emotions under control!
Everything I do to prepare or buy for the holidays are things my STBXAH did together. And for the last 3 years we had his mother living with us, so she is in my thoughts as well.
How can this still cause my heart to ache so much, and continue to be so painful? My AH was a very abusive man the last at least year we were together! Why do the HAPPY memories seem to be so vivid, but the abuse seems to fade to the background.
I am still grieving, I guess. I had to leave my home of 12 years, last February, never been back.
I filed for divorce last January, and still don't have a mediation date. So I guess I have many more months to go before my divorce is finalized. I think I need some closure.
The letters from my AH attorney keep coming. The lastest, we supposedly owe 1600.00 to the IRS for tax year 2014. His attorney is demanding I pay it!
I send a letter to my attorney, that my AH had done the taxes that year. He has a copy in our home. From what was sent to me, it appears my AH put an amount on a wrong line, and there is no 1098 for the amount. So we don't owe anything. I explained this to my attorney, in an email. Stated since my AH has all the forms and the tax return in the house for that year, and I don't have access to it, he needs to call the IRS and take care of the matter. Haven't heard back. How bold to think I would pay it all, or if my AH choose not to call the IRS, or file an amended return, he can pay for it!!
Yet despite all this my heart is truely broken. How do you ever trust anyone again? When do the memories be happy, but don't make you start crying for what was lost and will never be?
I just want so badly to move on. I have in a lot of ways, but still must be clinging to bits of the past.
My heart bleeds for everyone on this site that is feeling the same kind of pain.
I have found some peace but then the memories rear their ugly heads!!
I hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving! Thank you for listening. Not sure it makes sense. Just been having a rough week!
Z
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
Keep fighting back...his attorney is just acting on what your ex tells him. Doesn't make it right and certainly doesn't make it easy.
In some ways, I think Thanksgiving is harder than Christmas. It's always a four-day weekend, so it's more typical to have family manage to get together for it. Now getting along through the whole thing is another matter entirely...
You will have better days. Sending you strength and hopes for easier times ahead.
Keep fighting back...his attorney is just acting on what your ex tells him. Doesn't make it right and certainly doesn't make it easy.
In some ways, I think Thanksgiving is harder than Christmas. It's always a four-day weekend, so it's more typical to have family manage to get together for it. Now getting along through the whole thing is another matter entirely...
You will have better days. Sending you strength and hopes for easier times ahead.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Sigh. Even though I'm not in your position Zircon, I too struggle with holidays.
I've heard the first year after the death of a close family member is the hardest: divorce is a kind of death.
Dig deep, stay strong and let us know how you get on.
I've heard the first year after the death of a close family member is the hardest: divorce is a kind of death.
Dig deep, stay strong and let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hugs to you - you are not alone in your struggle. We were walking around beautiful light displays with DS a couple of hours ago - and "Blue Christmas" came on. This made me appreciate RXAH nasty outburst yesterday - he keeps doing things that make me not regret my decision. In the past he was able to morph into the man I fell in love with and lure me back in. No more of that.....
Yeah it is a little bit lonely, but also different - in a good way
Yeah it is a little bit lonely, but also different - in a good way
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think the way we collect memories is very primal......back when daily survival was the goal, we needed to remember where the BAD red berries grow, and where the GOOD clean water flows. if we ever wanted to get out of the cave and explore, we couldn't rely simply on fear/bad stuff as our guide.
good memories give us hope for future good memories. we just need to keep the past behind us, and not try to drag it around all over hell's half acre with us. we remember, we acknowledge, we smile, we give thanks, and we let go.
good memories give us hope for future good memories. we just need to keep the past behind us, and not try to drag it around all over hell's half acre with us. we remember, we acknowledge, we smile, we give thanks, and we let go.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon.....you are still grieving, naturally....
Grieving takes whatever time it takes....
I think it is unreasonable for you to expect that it will be over in this short of a time....and, the drawn out divorce process with your recalcitrant husband doesn't help.
The holidays bring memories that are really, REALLY hard, the first year after the separation or loss....it j ust is!
Why do we have selective recall, you ask---Well, if we remembered every single negative thing that happened to us...we would live only a few years...our bodies and psyche can handle only so much stress...so selective recall eliminates a lot of the negative experience as a protective mechanism....
And, as Anvilhead suggests, the good memories allows us to use good stuff to our advantage.....
I know having the "answer" to a rhetorical question doesn't really take the (necessary ) pain of grieving away...but, since you asked.........
Grieving takes whatever time it takes....
I think it is unreasonable for you to expect that it will be over in this short of a time....and, the drawn out divorce process with your recalcitrant husband doesn't help.
The holidays bring memories that are really, REALLY hard, the first year after the separation or loss....it j ust is!
Why do we have selective recall, you ask---Well, if we remembered every single negative thing that happened to us...we would live only a few years...our bodies and psyche can handle only so much stress...so selective recall eliminates a lot of the negative experience as a protective mechanism....
And, as Anvilhead suggests, the good memories allows us to use good stuff to our advantage.....
I know having the "answer" to a rhetorical question doesn't really take the (necessary ) pain of grieving away...but, since you asked.........
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Z,
We all see and feel your pain. Just this am I read my list of things AXH did to me the last couple years of my marriage. I still do miss the old memories. But to ever try and recreate them is impossible. They are so far from our reality. I would have a great day with him then 5 bad ones. So even thinking about "reconnecting" is out of touch with my reality. I would never allow addiction back in my home, Never Never!!
It's not bad to think of the "good old days" but then we "wake up" and realize it was only a dream. Hang in there my friend, it has been almost a year and you have grown so much in that year. Keep coming here, we are your comfort and support!!
We all see and feel your pain. Just this am I read my list of things AXH did to me the last couple years of my marriage. I still do miss the old memories. But to ever try and recreate them is impossible. They are so far from our reality. I would have a great day with him then 5 bad ones. So even thinking about "reconnecting" is out of touch with my reality. I would never allow addiction back in my home, Never Never!!
It's not bad to think of the "good old days" but then we "wake up" and realize it was only a dream. Hang in there my friend, it has been almost a year and you have grown so much in that year. Keep coming here, we are your comfort and support!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry this time is so hard for you, but even in the worst of times there are moments of joy. It sometimes seems like it would be easier if it were unrelentingly awful from the beginning, but the fact is that even in the midst of alcoholic chaos there can be happy times. Someday you'll be able to remember them, along with the bad stuff, and you will be able to smile at the happy stuff, while acknowledging the bad stuff. It takes a while to get there. I now remember fondly some of the happy times with my second husband, who was a good guy in many ways. I just couldn't live with the alcoholic chaos and what he was doing to himself. It doesn't cancel out the good things, even though I had to leave him.
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