First Day of Serenity at Home
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
First Day of Serenity at Home
This is the first night back in my apartment after a years long battle walking on egg shells and lying to my family. The first night I don't have to be afraid of coming home or being out feeling like I am taking too long and should get home, or calling my family in the morning and lying to them who I was out with. It's bittersweet because I miss this person...the familiar...I'm sad they had to lose everything. But it feels really good to know that I wasn't their only hope. That they are with family and no longer in my control where they never should have been. That I don't have to worry and wonder if they are at a meeting like they told me. That something actually changed this time instead of repeating the cycle of our sickness.
I iust got home from buying new furniture to replace what he destroyed. I picked the same sofa because I loved it so much, but a different color for a real change and fresh start. I groaned inside at having to spend so much when we were just there exactly one year ago where I bought the first one. But my calm took over and I was thankful to God that I am repairing my life and have no anger at him for this but instead put mercy on him for his sickness and it's impact on me and my home. When they asked me why I was buying the same thing I was there a year ago for, I simply said I lived with a very sick person.
This is a calm I haven't felt in ages and something I always took for granted before he came along. There is no amount of romantic love and emotion that can replace the feeling of safety and serenity. May it last. May you find yours also.
I iust got home from buying new furniture to replace what he destroyed. I picked the same sofa because I loved it so much, but a different color for a real change and fresh start. I groaned inside at having to spend so much when we were just there exactly one year ago where I bought the first one. But my calm took over and I was thankful to God that I am repairing my life and have no anger at him for this but instead put mercy on him for his sickness and it's impact on me and my home. When they asked me why I was buying the same thing I was there a year ago for, I simply said I lived with a very sick person.
This is a calm I haven't felt in ages and something I always took for granted before he came along. There is no amount of romantic love and emotion that can replace the feeling of safety and serenity. May it last. May you find yours also.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
So good to hear Smarie. I know you have been through the wringer.I do hope you have a plan to guard against future attempts to contact you.
Like alcoholics who have to watch out for HALT(s): hungry, angry, lonely, tired (sad), we codies get weaker when we get worn down with the usual hardships of human experience.
Like alcoholics who have to watch out for HALT(s): hungry, angry, lonely, tired (sad), we codies get weaker when we get worn down with the usual hardships of human experience.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Smarie, XAH moved out on the day after Thanksgiving last year, so this is an "anniversary weekend" of sorts for me. There are a lot of mixed emotions--good and bad memories of our time together, good and bad memories from all the years of my life before that, good and bad feelings about what's going on right now, and hopes and fears about the future.
It's a lot. Actually, it's way too much, and what works best for me is remembering where I was a year ago, both the fear and the sadness as well as the feeling of great peace and safety that came to me when I needed it most. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling that peace and safety too.
I'm planning an Alanon meeting into my morning today, feeling like that will help.
Glad you got free and wishing you all the best, Smarie.
It's a lot. Actually, it's way too much, and what works best for me is remembering where I was a year ago, both the fear and the sadness as well as the feeling of great peace and safety that came to me when I needed it most. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling that peace and safety too.
I'm planning an Alanon meeting into my morning today, feeling like that will help.
Glad you got free and wishing you all the best, Smarie.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Hugs to all. Honey -wishing you strength as well. The anniversaries are hard. In this world I feel they come quickly to remind us of how fresh the wounds are. You hit the nail on the head with mixed emotions. For as lovely as this post was to write there was indeed a sadness in coming home tonight for the first time with he not here. Strange to get in the bed alone, though as he progressed I became familiar with sleeping alone while he laid blacked out on the couch. But yes - mixed emotions. Peace and heartbreak. Calm and sadness. Serenity and fear.
Keep going to meetings. I will be doing the same and thinking of all of us who struggle for serenity while battling our hearts and the plethora of emotions this has blessed us with . Keep going.
Keep going to meetings. I will be doing the same and thinking of all of us who struggle for serenity while battling our hearts and the plethora of emotions this has blessed us with . Keep going.
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