Feeling confused
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Feeling confused
So my AH was sober since 10/24/16. Skipped a number of work outings that would have involve alcohol until Friday night. He had a Christmas party and didn't tell me about it until that morning invited me to it and I said no. He said he wouldn't drink but if he drank it would only be a few beers...umm...hello that's still alcohol!
Long story short my son came home around 10 PM from working overtime saw that his dad was still not home and sent him a really mean hurtful but yet true text. Ah got kicked outta of a bar gave a work guy a black eye from his elbow and got home around 1:30am. He was really upset saying the reason why he receivd a text from my son was because of me, it's all my fault, it's my fault that the kids (ages 17 and 23) see me upset. pretty much everything is my fault!
We go to marriage counseling on Thursday so I will let her know everything but right now I'm lost for words and hurt. I really Thought that he was getting the point that family was important and alcohol wasn't. Boy was I wrong!!!
Same old story tho...not gonna drink anymore. Blah blah
Long story short my son came home around 10 PM from working overtime saw that his dad was still not home and sent him a really mean hurtful but yet true text. Ah got kicked outta of a bar gave a work guy a black eye from his elbow and got home around 1:30am. He was really upset saying the reason why he receivd a text from my son was because of me, it's all my fault, it's my fault that the kids (ages 17 and 23) see me upset. pretty much everything is my fault!
We go to marriage counseling on Thursday so I will let her know everything but right now I'm lost for words and hurt. I really Thought that he was getting the point that family was important and alcohol wasn't. Boy was I wrong!!!
Same old story tho...not gonna drink anymore. Blah blah
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Brokendown......is he working a program?.....AA meetings, sponsor ?
If he isn't.....why not?
You might want to go to the stickies...at the top of the main page, above the threads....
Go to the one called: "Classic Reading".......and, read the article: "10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
This gives you a good yardstick to know what to expect.......
for the alcoholic..."One drink is too much...and, a thousand is not enough".
Whenever they say "I will have just a few beers...you can write the rest of that story, yourself.....
If he isn't.....why not?
You might want to go to the stickies...at the top of the main page, above the threads....
Go to the one called: "Classic Reading".......and, read the article: "10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
This gives you a good yardstick to know what to expect.......
for the alcoholic..."One drink is too much...and, a thousand is not enough".
Whenever they say "I will have just a few beers...you can write the rest of that story, yourself.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Same old story tho...not gonna drink anymore. Blah blah
but not gonna drink any LESS either!
the moment he gave himself permission to drink, it was on. and he fell back under the spell. it calls and lures, like Succubus. promises everything. and then laughs in their faces when they end up drunk and stupid AGAIN.
takes a powerful program to beat such a cunning, baffling and powerful addiction.
but not gonna drink any LESS either!
the moment he gave himself permission to drink, it was on. and he fell back under the spell. it calls and lures, like Succubus. promises everything. and then laughs in their faces when they end up drunk and stupid AGAIN.
takes a powerful program to beat such a cunning, baffling and powerful addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Brokendown......is he working a program?.....AA meetings, sponsor ?
If he isn't.....why not?
You might want to go to the stickies...at the top of the main page, above the threads....
Go to the one called: "Classic Reading".......and, read the article: "10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
This gives you a good yardstick to know what to expect.......
for the alcoholic..."One drink is too much...and, a thousand is not enough".
Whenever they say "I will have just a few beers...you can write the rest of that story, yourself.....
If he isn't.....why not?
You might want to go to the stickies...at the top of the main page, above the threads....
Go to the one called: "Classic Reading".......and, read the article: "10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
This gives you a good yardstick to know what to expect.......
for the alcoholic..."One drink is too much...and, a thousand is not enough".
Whenever they say "I will have just a few beers...you can write the rest of that story, yourself.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Same old story tho...not gonna drink anymore. Blah blah
but not gonna drink any LESS either!
the moment he gave himself permission to drink, it was on. and he fell back under the spell. it calls and lures, like Succubus. promises everything. and then laughs in their faces when they end up drunk and stupid AGAIN.
takes a powerful program to beat such a cunning, baffling and powerful addiction.
but not gonna drink any LESS either!
the moment he gave himself permission to drink, it was on. and he fell back under the spell. it calls and lures, like Succubus. promises everything. and then laughs in their faces when they end up drunk and stupid AGAIN.
takes a powerful program to beat such a cunning, baffling and powerful addiction.
I just don't know what else I can do. It's breaking me down. We have been married 20 yrs together 26.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
brokendown.....I hope that you read the article that I just suggested.
It sounds like he is still in denial and is trying to avoid a treatment program....
Without a strong program that he is willing to work....his chances of achieving real sobriety are very dim......
Unless he is willing to do what he needs to do...marriage counseling is generaly considered a futile effort.....You might want to tell the marriage counselor what I just said.....
If he isn't ready to make full effort at sobriety...you would do well to continue individual counseling for yourself........
You are going to need all the help you can get from people who know what they are doing....
It sounds like he is still in denial and is trying to avoid a treatment program....
Without a strong program that he is willing to work....his chances of achieving real sobriety are very dim......
Unless he is willing to do what he needs to do...marriage counseling is generaly considered a futile effort.....You might want to tell the marriage counselor what I just said.....
If he isn't ready to make full effort at sobriety...you would do well to continue individual counseling for yourself........
You are going to need all the help you can get from people who know what they are doing....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by dandylion
brokendown.....I hope that you read the article that I just suggested.
It sounds like he is still in denial and is trying to avoid a treatment program....
Without a strong program that he is willing to work....his chances of achieving real sobriety are very dim......
Unless he is willing to do what he needs to do...marriage counseling is generaly considered a futile effort.....You might want to tell the marriage counselor what I just said.....
If he isn't ready to make full effort at sobriety...you would do well to continue individual counseling for yourself........
You are going to need all the help you can get from people who know what they are doing....
It sounds like he is still in denial and is trying to avoid a treatment program....
Without a strong program that he is willing to work....his chances of achieving real sobriety are very dim......
Unless he is willing to do what he needs to do...marriage counseling is generaly considered a futile effort.....You might want to tell the marriage counselor what I just said.....
If he isn't ready to make full effort at sobriety...you would do well to continue individual counseling for yourself........
You are going to need all the help you can get from people who know what they are doing....
I just don't even know what to do or say anymore. He can do so well, then bam it all goes to hell.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nothing you CAN do or say--not that would make any difference. I'd respectfully suggest your marriage counseling is a big waste of time as long as he's still drinking. His problem isn't "communication" or "sharing the work at home" or "money problems" or sex or whatever a person sees a marriage counselor for. It's addiction--alcoholism.
That's not to say there might not be other issues you could address in marriage counseling. After he's been sober for, oh, a year or two. But you're gonna get nowhere fast as things stand.
That's not to say there might not be other issues you could address in marriage counseling. After he's been sober for, oh, a year or two. But you're gonna get nowhere fast as things stand.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by BrokenDown1975
I just don't even know what to do or say anymore. He can do so well, then bam it all goes to hell.
AXH could do "so well" for a bit, too, but since he didn't truly understand - or want to admit - that he had a problem, it derailed when things got just a little rough. Even when he wasn't actively drinking, he really wasn't doing well; he was struggling against the idea that just one - just a couple - would be OK. And since drinking and using was his method of coping with stuff (read "stuff" as "hard day at work", "parental responsibilities", or just "life"), he was also avoiding how he'd try to deal with that stuff. Not that he was dealing with it when he drank/used, but simply not drinking wasn't dealing with it either. I didn't see that while I was stuck in the middle of it, and kept on giving him credit, when really, he wasn't doing much of anything.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by BrokenDown1975
He said he wouldn't drink but if he drank it would only be a few beers...umm...hello that's still alcohol!
Just remember he is hurting himself the most because he keeps lying to himself he can do this alone, and he just can't. As long as he keeps fighting this he will continue to drink and unfortunately the drinking will continue to get worse.
Nothing you say or do will change him, he must want to change himself. He must want to seek help and want the program. Until he does, well, what you see is what you get.
Hugs to you honey, I have been there, very frustrating.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Alcoholism is insidious. And jealous. It will not tolerate anyone or anything being above it. Marriage, family, career, job, health, friends, anything. It will strip those things away one by one if left unchecked. A good MC will tell your husband there is a big ugly elephant in the room and unless he deals with it, things will not go well. Do what you have to do to protect and care for yourself and your kids. Until he really wants to change, he will continue to more and more of the same, and it will get worse. Don't mean to be harsh, but I don't think I'm very far off target.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
I agree! I can't help force him to seek help as much I want to. I did leave him information today for an AA group near us and a addiction counselor name and number. So we will see if he does anything with it. My guess is no. He thinks he can handle this by himself...but he can't.
This addiction sucks the life out of everyone involved!
This addiction sucks the life out of everyone involved!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by BrokenDown1975
I really Thought that he was getting the point that family was important and alcohol wasn't. Boy was I wrong!!!
Same old story tho...not gonna drink anymore. Blah blah
Same old story tho...not gonna drink anymore. Blah blah
You can find help for yourself. Have you tried Alanon? Read Codependent No More? Hmmmm . . . you may have addressed all this in an earlier thread that I haven't read so apologies if this is the case. Big hug to you and let us know what you are doing to take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Brokendown......it might be comforting for you to know that alcoholics don't drink to hurt us (even though it does).....they drink to feel better....to feel "normal".....to deal with their feelings--either good ones or bad ones.....
This might sound like a ridiculous questions...but, how much do you really know about how alcoholism works.....
do you know what is typical...and what to expect? etc.
I think it is good for every partner of an alcoholic...or every family member, really....to learn as much as can be learned about the disease and how the loved ones fit into that picture.....
This forum has more knowledge collected in one place than I have ever seen , before.....The stickies...at the top of the main forum pages....contain a "bootcamp" on alcoholism....
And, thousands,,,,thousands....of real life stories, as they unfold.....
LOL....this is way more real than any reality tv show!
learning about alcoholism will not enable you to control him any better...but, It will teach you what you are up against and what you and your children can expect.....
Knowledge is power......
Have you read "Under The Influence"? or "Co-Dependent No More"?
Or any of the articles by Floyd P. Garrett. MD.?
The reason that I am saying all of this to you is because you indicated that y ou were at a loss of what to do....
This is a first step..if you really want help.....
A support group like alanon, ACOA, CR and individual coumselor for your own self....
These are the basics ....................................
This might sound like a ridiculous questions...but, how much do you really know about how alcoholism works.....
do you know what is typical...and what to expect? etc.
I think it is good for every partner of an alcoholic...or every family member, really....to learn as much as can be learned about the disease and how the loved ones fit into that picture.....
This forum has more knowledge collected in one place than I have ever seen , before.....The stickies...at the top of the main forum pages....contain a "bootcamp" on alcoholism....
And, thousands,,,,thousands....of real life stories, as they unfold.....
LOL....this is way more real than any reality tv show!
learning about alcoholism will not enable you to control him any better...but, It will teach you what you are up against and what you and your children can expect.....
Knowledge is power......
Have you read "Under The Influence"? or "Co-Dependent No More"?
Or any of the articles by Floyd P. Garrett. MD.?
The reason that I am saying all of this to you is because you indicated that y ou were at a loss of what to do....
This is a first step..if you really want help.....
A support group like alanon, ACOA, CR and individual coumselor for your own self....
These are the basics ....................................
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by dandylion
Brokendown......it might be comforting for you to know that alcoholics don't drink to hurt us (even though it does).....they drink to feel better....to feel "normal".....to deal with their feelings--either good ones or bad ones.....
This might sound like a ridiculous questions...but, how much do you really know about how alcoholism works.....
do you know what is typical...and what to expect? etc.
I think it is good for every partner of an alcoholic...or every family member, really....to learn as much as can be learned about the disease and how the loved ones fit into that picture.....
This forum has more knowledge collected in one place than I have ever seen , before.....The stickies...at the top of the main forum pages....contain a "bootcamp" on alcoholism....
And, thousands,,,,thousands....of real life stories, as they unfold.....
LOL....this is way more real than any reality tv show!
learning about alcoholism will not enable you to control him any better...but, It will teach you what you are up against and what you and your children can expect.....
Knowledge is power......
Have you read "Under The Influence"? or "Co-Dependent No More"?
Or any of the articles by Floyd P. Garrett. MD.?
The reason that I am saying all of this to you is because you indicated that y ou were at a loss of what to do....
This is a first step..if you really want help.....
A support group like alanon, ACOA, CR and individual coumselor for your own self....
These are the basics ....................................
This might sound like a ridiculous questions...but, how much do you really know about how alcoholism works.....
do you know what is typical...and what to expect? etc.
I think it is good for every partner of an alcoholic...or every family member, really....to learn as much as can be learned about the disease and how the loved ones fit into that picture.....
This forum has more knowledge collected in one place than I have ever seen , before.....The stickies...at the top of the main forum pages....contain a "bootcamp" on alcoholism....
And, thousands,,,,thousands....of real life stories, as they unfold.....
LOL....this is way more real than any reality tv show!
learning about alcoholism will not enable you to control him any better...but, It will teach you what you are up against and what you and your children can expect.....
Knowledge is power......
Have you read "Under The Influence"? or "Co-Dependent No More"?
Or any of the articles by Floyd P. Garrett. MD.?
The reason that I am saying all of this to you is because you indicated that y ou were at a loss of what to do....
This is a first step..if you really want help.....
A support group like alanon, ACOA, CR and individual coumselor for your own self....
These are the basics ....................................
Last night my AH (binge drinker) told me he doesn't need to seek help, that he can just stop on his own. I said well how many times are you gonna say that? His problem is, his work is all about going out and having a great time on his works expense. So unfortunately his work environment is not helping.
We go to our MC tomorrow, I'm hoping that she can get him to see that he needs to see an addiction counselor or AA.
I say I am at a loss of words because I don't know what else to do. I just want him to stop all of this. I'm tired of him going out and staying out until he's done drinking, tired of his drinking and driving. Tired of all the broken promises. . I don't want to have to leave. Shoot...I can't afford to leave!!!
Anyways, thank you all for taking the time to try to help me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
We can help YOU, but nobody--not us, not the marriage counselor--can tell you how to "get him" to see the light. You want what we all wanted--for the alcoholic to see what s/he is doing to her/himself and to loved ones, and to stop drinking. We can't tell you how to do that because, to the best of our knowledge, there is no way to make that happen.
And just so you know, the work environment isn't to blame for this, either. The problem is every bit as intractable when the alcoholic works in a field where alcohol and drinking are seriously discouraged, legally forbidden. Alcoholics still have the mindset that it isn't a serious problem, that if bad things happen while drinking or as a result of drinking it's just bad luck, that they can control it on their own, and that they can drink normally.
And just so you know, the work environment isn't to blame for this, either. The problem is every bit as intractable when the alcoholic works in a field where alcohol and drinking are seriously discouraged, legally forbidden. Alcoholics still have the mindset that it isn't a serious problem, that if bad things happen while drinking or as a result of drinking it's just bad luck, that they can control it on their own, and that they can drink normally.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
We can help YOU, but nobody--not us, not the marriage counselor--can tell you how to "get him" to see the light.
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