Surviving2016

I posted once so far, and got good advice. I think I'm just looking for words of encouragement or solidarity or something tonight. I had a "good" week with my AH. He was sober, we did fun things as a family, I felt like he was "him" again. But it also left me feeling conflicted. Like I'm pretty hopeless myself because I always take him back and cherish the good times. Like I'll never be strong enough to follow my head instead of my heart.

He's not living at home, and I can pretty much guarantee I won't ever let it back in the house again, but I just can't cut him out of my life, and I'm wondering if by not cutting him out (i.e. Divorcing) I'm keeping him from recovering. That's where my confusion comes in. On one hand we're told we can't fix or change anything, and yet I'm told pretty much all across the board I need to leave him because it's the best consequence for his actions--so in a way aren't I trying to control his outcome still? I don't think he'll recover if I divorce him, and if I do, I think the only reason would be the hope that it helps him become sober. Not because it's what I want for my healing.

I also want to do what's best for my daughter and baby on the way. But right now it's not in the house, I have complete control over them (no need to worry about him being drunk around them because everything is on my terms), and our daughter sees him when he's good. But I still feel pressured to leave him because that's what everyone is saying.

I'm also worried about him drinking tonight, and I just want to not care. I haven't texted or called him, went and did something for myself, am comfortable at home, and yet I still worry.

I want so badly to know for certain what the best thing is for my whole family. Divorce? Detachment? Staying together? Spending time with him sober like we are now? Cutting him off? So many options and they all revolve around me wanting to pick the one that will help him achieve sobriety, and that doesn't seem like the right mentality. So what makes me happiest? I don't even know. I'm happy when he's sober and we spend time as a family. That's all I know as of right now.

Thanks for letting me vent, I don't even know what I'm looking for!

Surviving2016

I feel kind of dumb for posting all that now, because I don't even know what I'm looking for. Just a vent I suppose!

thousandwords53

Don't feel dumb! I read that earlier but couldn't reply as I was sitting next to my AH. Your post is exactly what I've been trying to work out in my head, today especially. I don't know what to say, other than I relate and so many others too. I vent on here all the time like it's my dear diary, lol. But there's always someone who replies and validates my feelings /thoughts. Keep posting!

dandylion

Surviving.....there is a saying around here, that I have heard the alanon folks say....
"If you don't know what to do..don't do anything".

However, I don't think that it can ever be advised to not take care of yourself. You have to live with yourself no matter what your husband does or doesn't do.
For yourself--I suggest alanon and an individual counselor for yourself.
Also, to keep reading and learning..."Co-Dependent No More" is a classic reading, around here. It is a good starting point.

situations do not ever stay static. They are always in the process of change, and evolving. Sometimes, the change comes, seemingly, rapidly....and, at other times, it seems to stay plateaued for a long time....
LOL...change is constant....

So, this means that, eventually, you will gain more clarity as time marches on....
and, if you keep working on yourself, you will be in a much better shape to face the challenges of the change....you will be more self confident, have better self esteem, and more insight.......
Taking care of yourself---how can it hurt?

NatashaRomanova

Don't necessarily listen to people telling you to divorce him. It has to be your choice. If you do it only for the reason of "turning" him sober...aren't you making that choice based on the possibility of him benefitting from it? Aren't you making that choice for him? Make the choice for you.

What about you? Will you benefit from it? What will you benefit from? That's an important question. And the answers may not be obvious right away. Take time.

It may sound selfish. But it's not. You have to look out for what you need. Its not greedy. And of course you will naturally look out for your children. Sounds like other doing a pretty good job of that already! ;-)

You'll know. You'll know when the time comes to divorce him. IF the times comes to divorce him.

If you doubt you might know, then spend some time reading stories here. See what sounds like a boundary being crossed that you wouldn't be ok with. You'll find your boundaries and then... we'll be here to support you when (if) it comes time to stick to them. <3

dandylion

Surviving...it may sound like this advice is contrary to the post that I made to you, in your other thread...but, it isn't.
It sounds, to me, like you are not ready to take any decisive action....whereas, in your other thread, you sounded more so....

PhoenixJ

Hi, I'm PJ and I am an alcoholic. Last year drunk, for too many reasons to go into got 4th degree burns and nearly died. My wife refused to be my next of kin. I have had no contact from her or my 2 adult sons since- excepting at the formal divorce hearing.
They had reached their breaking point and need to get on with their lives. Thinknig of me-they just get reminded of THAT drunk version that was my broken record self. They need to look after themselves- not me. Certainly not with guilt and feeling as if they have to rescue me. NOPE- I would not want that on any of my family- or anyone else. They need to live their lives and grow and be happy- feeling safe while they do it. Been sober 10 months now (about) and am learning about the person I actually am. That is my responsibility. If my family accept me back - great. If not- I accept this and totally understand why.

theVman31

First of all im not an expert.
Second i always find when your feeling down if you reach your hands up in to the air you can feel up again (go on Smile)

As for your Husband : do whats best for YOU your daughter and Baby on the way. (i think you know what that is already)

FeelingGreat

hi Surviving, I agree with the others who say nothing has to be decided right now, especially when you have a bub on the way, and for the first few months at least. There's a limited number of major life changes that we can process at once and you have a good reason to keep things on an even keel for a while.

I wouldn't get into speculating about whether divorcing will or won't help your AH recover. Firstly, that's his responsibility, and secondly motivation is dependent on a whole range of factors that vary with each person. Try not to get into that area at all, because you'll never know for sure, and you'll just stress out.

If you've decided not to live with him in the future, you'll both probably have a gradual realisation regarding divorce. My H and I waited a while, then he met someone he wanted to marry so we divorced. It was a natural evolution, and I don't think it harmed either of us.

Try for serenity. I'm glad your AH has been sober and helpful.

DoubleDragons

I know that I first came to SR and went to Alanon meetings with one intention: to fix my mother's alcoholism. For a long time I heard the message: Put the focus back on yourself, but I was still confused. Little by little, I slowly evolved in my thinking and in my actions and then one day it all just clicked. My decisions now involving my alcoholic mother all start with, "What is best for me and my family?" There are no ulterior motives anymore. If being NC with us, her children and grandchildren, helps to motivate her to get sober then that will be a wonderful by-product. But I went NC with she and my enabling father, for the sanity of me and my family, with no expectations of what will happen to her. I agree with the others, this is an evolution. As codependents, we are programmed to focus on everybody and everything else, trying to control everything outside of us. Just like most alcoholics can't cure themselves in a short time, neither can we. So, keep doing what you are doing. Become very aware of your actions and you motivations behind your actions and before you know it, whatever you decide, will become very self evident to you and you won't even need anyone else's input or advice. You will feel that sure. In the meantime, just be good to yourself and focus on your own health and your precious children.

Surviving2016

Thank you all for your supportive comments. They have helped so much. I think I've just been feeling so much pressure to change something, from everyone around me, but *I* don't know if it's the right timing for me quite yet. I believe my first post I sounded more sure of myself because it was during one of AH's binges, and it's always easier to be mad and determined then, but then when he sobers up my heart just clings to that...

I would love to come to a place of detachment, where I am neither mad nor drawn to him; just lovingly detached and able to make a sound decision not based on emotion. I am continuing to read, seek counsel, and go to Al-anon meetings, so I think I'm doing decent work on myself--but it's slow progress for sure. I'm much different than I was 2 years ago, but still not where I'd like to be.

I think I just have a lot on my plate right now, and would really just like to focus on the baby for now. I have a goal of making a decision by the time he's been out for 6 months, but I still don't know where I'll be then. But at least if I keep thinking about that goal, maybe it will make it easier to process it as it comes.

atalose

One of the quotes that helped me a lot was…………”Be the change that you wish to see in the world”.

My little world, not the great big one. I needed to learn how to think healthy, how to NOT over react to the behaviors of those around me but instead control my own behaviors. Al-anon helped me to understand many things, SR has helped me understand the depth of addiction and both have helped me accept that I do have choices. Choices that can be made when I am ready, choices that I can make without guilt or a sense of obligation.

When we are ready we make the best decisions we can with the knowledge we have at the time.

CaptainM

Surviving - I know exactly what you mean about feeling more confident about leaving when he has recently just done something "bad" like a binge. And then it's harder to feel more confident when he's acting like a normal human

Here's a quote I saved from a previous thread:
jjj111: The hardest part about getting off the roller coaster for me was that it was much easier to remember why I wanted off at the low points than the high points. When he'd just disappointed me or done something terrible, I realized how destructive the relationship was. But when we were in that "let's talk, maybe we can figure something out" stage, that was the high point of the roller coaster, the anticipation that maybe things were finally going to work out made it much harder to remember why the roller coaster was a terrible place to be. One thing that helped me was to write a list of all the terrible things he did and look at it when I started missing him or felt tempted to allow contact.

Also, from my personal journey I was amazed at how my confidence grew as I focused on myself, rather than AH. As others have mentioned above me, concentrate on *you* The fog will soon start to lift.

Once your confidence is back, I bet the answer will be clear

AnvilheadII

I'm keeping him from recovering.

ah, if we only had that kind of power....we could then also MAKE them choose recovery.

there is exactly one person and one person only keeping him from seeking recovery.........HIM. do you honestly think that he is sitting there wondering just how much HIS actions are affecting you and the children? and what HIS next best move should be FOR YOU?

take care of yourself, your daughter and your soon to be precious new baby. their everything depends on your wise choices. and your continued commitment to keeping them FIRST.

DoubleDragons

Captain M, your post about the roller coaster with our alcoholics reminded me of a post I saw here one time:

"Our alcoholics are so undependable, we can't even rely on them to be drunk all of the time."

Honestly, I think the thing that made me finally go NC with my alcoholic mother was the roller coaster. The erratic highs and lows, never knowing which way it was going to go; the stress of the unknown took a bigger toll on me then even the worst drunken moments. I remember feeling so resentful when we all felt "relieved" when a holiday or family event went okay, without one of my mother's drunken tirades or her showing up late or out of it or with another unexplained injury. I started to realize that I could rely on most people in my life to be decent and kind and dependable and yet we all catered to the one who wasn't those things. I just couldn't take one more ride on that roller coaster.

elissa1962

There is another saying in the rooms "doing nothing is doing something." Give it time and the answer will come to you.

Smarie78

Do you really want a life where you have a "good week"? That's the way my life has become and I am not even married. We have a "good week", and then he drinks again and my life falls apart. We had a good week last week and while it's become harder and harder to pretend I am not dying inside even during our "good weeks", I managed to smile for the first time in a while on Sunday. I know life with him has managed to destroy me little by little, but I grabbed on to the moments that are good and told myself it was enough. When he drinks and goes on a binge, and afterward when the fighting is over and we have a 'good week' together, I am usually still reeling from the pain of the episode but sometimes...like Sunday, I let my guard down and enjoy the rare moments where he is still the man I fell in love with.

Fast forward to Monday after the weekend of promises, and he is off to the races with the bottle. Just when I start to fearfully come around again he pulls the rug from under me and I am once again thrust into the tornado of grief.

Every episode I say this is my window to escape - no more. I am done. and every time he breaks me down until I feel no isn't an option. His last binge kept me several hours at the table repeating no to him no as he begged me for another chance. I said no for hours and when I felt I couldn't take anymore I let him stay because the stress of telling him to leave tore me down. It's my fault for letting it but just know that a normal life is likely impossible for you.

Don't let it be impossible for your babies too who don't deserve what he is doing to you guys.

Surviving2016

I think what's bad right now is that I make do when he is on a binge. I'm decently ok at detaching when he's drinking compared to how I used to be, so it's not unbearable to me. But what's unbearable is when he's sober and worrying if/when he'll binge again. That's the part of the roller coaster that's hard for me. Because in the moment we're having a good time and enjoying each other, and he's acting like a human, and I'm just worrying in the back of my head that he'll drink again. Which I know technically that he will, although he does try to do things that make it seem like he wants to recover (went to a 6 week inpatient rehab a few months ago, currently signed himself up for a 4 week outpatient program). So what's really tough is the "hope" that he keeps giving to me after a binge. I want to get to a place where I can not have that "hope" until I see actual results. I'm weak in that regard as of right now though.

knowthetriggers

I struggle with this as well...

NatashaRomanova

This is so on topic for me. My ABF is coming home today after his very first stay at a facility. It hasn't "cured" him. And i wasn't hopeful. But he does seem to actually be accepting that he has a problem and that he can never 'drink I'm moderation'. He also said something about healing at home, when were discussing whether he would come home so sooner or later. In the end I've left every decision up to him though.

Here's the thing! I WAS at a place where my hope was quiet. I've muted it. i was focusing on being realistic and listening to all the great wisdom on here, "he will drink again, and again, it's what they do" I've been told. But now I'm thinking aren't all the signs of a recovery there? He is off to a good start. And I get a bit of hope. And this weird sense of shame, that IF HE DOES pull through, and I didn't believe, doesn't that make me the bad guy? and tbh for my own self, I feel the excitement at the thought of this being a turning point for him. For our relationship. If he has truely had a moment of clarity, things for him might be changing. But I remain sure that the ONLY way to know is to wait for time to tell.

And your story of multiple stays at facilities makes me remember to keep that hope on mute. (PLUS i almost forgot what that feeling of dreading and waiting for the next binge feels like. That really is one of the worst things) Today I will allow myself to enjoy seeing him home again.

Thank you for the reminders and the feeling of not being alone in these experiences.