Dry Drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Uk
Posts: 18
Dry Drunk
Hi
I have posted a few times on this forum.
My husband came out of rehab 2 weeks ago. He had had an affair for two years And that on top of the alcoholism was too much to bear. With the help of Al Anon I am learning to work through the programme and the fog has started to lift.
When he came out of rehab he said he could not go back to us, He said I would never recover and therefore decided he wanted to be with the OW. I do still care about him and have let go but am interested to understand why he never fought for me, He said he was totally ashamed of what he put me through and could not go back and said he couldn't he couldn't explain. I would have rather him gone and lived on his own as I do still care about him and sort himself to out. He seems to be settling for expectations a lot,lower than what he could achieve IE. The OW, his job, his life it all seems really weird. When I do see him he treats me with disdain like I'm not his wife, he is irritable and gets really short tempered.
He's also refusing calls and texts from his friends and family and is just seem to focussing on his life with the OW
Do not understand his overall attitude although been sober now for 40 days and to be honest he's a long way to go.
I'm moving on now but it's still difficult to see this sometimes would appreciate your thoughts x
I have posted a few times on this forum.
My husband came out of rehab 2 weeks ago. He had had an affair for two years And that on top of the alcoholism was too much to bear. With the help of Al Anon I am learning to work through the programme and the fog has started to lift.
When he came out of rehab he said he could not go back to us, He said I would never recover and therefore decided he wanted to be with the OW. I do still care about him and have let go but am interested to understand why he never fought for me, He said he was totally ashamed of what he put me through and could not go back and said he couldn't he couldn't explain. I would have rather him gone and lived on his own as I do still care about him and sort himself to out. He seems to be settling for expectations a lot,lower than what he could achieve IE. The OW, his job, his life it all seems really weird. When I do see him he treats me with disdain like I'm not his wife, he is irritable and gets really short tempered.
He's also refusing calls and texts from his friends and family and is just seem to focussing on his life with the OW
Do not understand his overall attitude although been sober now for 40 days and to be honest he's a long way to go.
I'm moving on now but it's still difficult to see this sometimes would appreciate your thoughts x
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I doubt you will ever figure it out, and even if you do, what would it change for you?
He may have "checked out" of the relationship a long time ago--way before the affair. He may have very little idea of what's going on with him, himself.
I'd suggest just continuing to concentrate on your own recovery and work on living your own life.
He may have "checked out" of the relationship a long time ago--way before the affair. He may have very little idea of what's going on with him, himself.
I'd suggest just continuing to concentrate on your own recovery and work on living your own life.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Susie, it is good to see you again. I am sorry to say that it is likely you will never understand the behavior of addiction, at least not in a desirable time frame. All I can tell you is that while the urge to personalize someone else's addiction behavior is very strong, it is imperative for your own wellbeing to understand and accept that it has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you could have done differently to change his life for him.
The time and energy you spend wondering about what makes him tick is far better spent taking care of yourself and understanding what makes YOU tick. You deserve a far better life than what he has to offer you, and if you love and respect yourself, you will have that life.
The time and energy you spend wondering about what makes him tick is far better spent taking care of yourself and understanding what makes YOU tick. You deserve a far better life than what he has to offer you, and if you love and respect yourself, you will have that life.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Hi Susie, it is good to see you again. I am sorry to say that it is likely you will never understand the behavior of addiction, at least not in a desirable time frame. All I can tell you is that while the urge to personalize someone else's addiction behavior is very strong, it is imperative for your own wellbeing to understand and accept that it has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you could have done differently to change his life for him.
The time and energy you spend wondering about what makes him tick is far better spent taking care of yourself and understanding what makes YOU tick. You deserve a far better life than what he has to offer you, and if you love and respect yourself, you will have that life.
The time and energy you spend wondering about what makes him tick is far better spent taking care of yourself and understanding what makes YOU tick. You deserve a far better life than what he has to offer you, and if you love and respect yourself, you will have that life.
My boyfriend is in recovery and his ex wife is an active alcoholic. Who had three affairs during their marriage and is with the third man still. He has to work on the toughies of acceptance (of what she did, but now mainly what he cannot control or effect, and never could) and expectations (mainly around their co parenting of a 14 yr old who really needs her mom).
He has found a far better life, as SK says.....and the key is focusing on his recovery first, then everything else (including me).
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by SusieJ
My husband came out of rehab 2 weeks ago. He had had an affair for two years And that on top of the alcoholism was too much to bear. With the help of Al Anon I am learning to work through the programme and the fog has started to lift.
When he came out of rehab he said he could not go back to us, He said I would never recover and therefore decided he wanted to be with the OW. I do still care about him and have let go but am interested to understand why he never fought for me, He said he was totally ashamed of what he put me through and could not go back and said he couldn't he couldn't explain. I would have rather him gone and lived on his own as I do still care about him and sort himself to out. He seems to be settling for expectations a lot,lower than what he could achieve IE. The OW, his job, his life it all seems really weird. When I do see him he treats me with disdain like I'm not his wife, he is irritable and gets really short tempered.
He's also refusing calls and texts from his friends and family and is just seem to focussing on his life with the OW
When he came out of rehab he said he could not go back to us, He said I would never recover and therefore decided he wanted to be with the OW. I do still care about him and have let go but am interested to understand why he never fought for me, He said he was totally ashamed of what he put me through and could not go back and said he couldn't he couldn't explain. I would have rather him gone and lived on his own as I do still care about him and sort himself to out. He seems to be settling for expectations a lot,lower than what he could achieve IE. The OW, his job, his life it all seems really weird. When I do see him he treats me with disdain like I'm not his wife, he is irritable and gets really short tempered.
He's also refusing calls and texts from his friends and family and is just seem to focussing on his life with the OW
She has done something similar to what you talk about. In her words, she wants to "start a new life", but she has made zero amends, no honest inventory of her behaviour etc.
IMHO, if she wants to "start a new life", that's her decision, but not apologizing to and making amends to the people who love her who she has hurt, when she is sober, is totally unacceptable.
Some alcoholics seem to think that instead of working the 12 steps and making amends, that they can simply pretend that none of it happened. IMHO this is caused by not wanting to take accountability or responsibility for how their behavior hurt people who love them.
I see it as an extreme form of selfishness, where instead of facing the discomfort of being honest and making amends, and helping the very people who they hurt to heal, they instead decide to blame the people who love them, and act as if it is OK to act as if those people never existed. It is a lack of character, and a lack of honesty.
This thread may also be of interest to you ...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...planation.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Hi SusieJ,
There is a discussion in another thread about the "start a new life" stuff here which might be of interest to you ...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...icken-egg.html
There is a discussion in another thread about the "start a new life" stuff here which might be of interest to you ...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...icken-egg.html
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Susie,
You are not alone. I am going thru this same thing myself. My xA jumped right into a relationship with another woman. I was really depressed for the first couple of weeks, but am coming out of the FOG. I realize that I can live my own life. I can be happy for myself and my son.
I think that TimetoHeal sums it up perfectly. It is a complete lack of accountability and responsibility. When I *really* think about it, the reason I left was because of both of those qualities the xA was lacking. Why should I expect him to be any different than what he has shown me for almost 10 years.
I remember how exciting he seemed when I first met him. The OW is probably thinking the same thing. Whatever they are both thinking/feeling really has no true impact on me. I am impacting my own life by getting healthy mentally and physically.
You will make it thru. I would go as little contact as possible. I have a son with my xA so I have to talk to him some, but I am limiting that as it makes me feel better.
You are not alone. I am going thru this same thing myself. My xA jumped right into a relationship with another woman. I was really depressed for the first couple of weeks, but am coming out of the FOG. I realize that I can live my own life. I can be happy for myself and my son.
I think that TimetoHeal sums it up perfectly. It is a complete lack of accountability and responsibility. When I *really* think about it, the reason I left was because of both of those qualities the xA was lacking. Why should I expect him to be any different than what he has shown me for almost 10 years.
I remember how exciting he seemed when I first met him. The OW is probably thinking the same thing. Whatever they are both thinking/feeling really has no true impact on me. I am impacting my own life by getting healthy mentally and physically.
You will make it thru. I would go as little contact as possible. I have a son with my xA so I have to talk to him some, but I am limiting that as it makes me feel better.
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