Do you ever stop doubting yourself?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
It comes and goes, ebbs and flows.
I have to say, XAH (R?) is doing a great job of behaving in ways that confirm I made a right decision.
I don't think he ever loved me, and he all but lost interest in our son when ex realized I no longer will be subsidizing ex's lazy lifestyle.
Doubts always creep in when he manages to draw me in emotionally - even a little bit. So I just have to continue implementing "Medium chill" when dealing with him. I also keep a list of reasons why I divorced him on my phone. And "miss" most of his calls
Good luck and know that you are not alone
I have to say, XAH (R?) is doing a great job of behaving in ways that confirm I made a right decision.
I don't think he ever loved me, and he all but lost interest in our son when ex realized I no longer will be subsidizing ex's lazy lifestyle.
Doubts always creep in when he manages to draw me in emotionally - even a little bit. So I just have to continue implementing "Medium chill" when dealing with him. I also keep a list of reasons why I divorced him on my phone. And "miss" most of his calls
Good luck and know that you are not alone
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
3LB 
If you are crying a hundred times a day, I think you have your answer.
That's not living, that's just sadness.
But I understand your apprehension in leaving.
Do you think you have just become a habit ? It's all you know ? Having been together for so many years?
What makes you think he will be different each time you have gone back to him & is it ever what you imagined it to be each time you go back, or does the gloss wear off pretty quickly.
It can be really fearful ( the Unknown ) but you have done it before and survived.
We all deserve to be happy. Good luck on whatever you decide to do honey xxxx
If you are crying a hundred times a day, I think you have your answer.
That's not living, that's just sadness.
But I understand your apprehension in leaving.
Do you think you have just become a habit ? It's all you know ? Having been together for so many years?
What makes you think he will be different each time you have gone back to him & is it ever what you imagined it to be each time you go back, or does the gloss wear off pretty quickly.
It can be really fearful ( the Unknown ) but you have done it before and survived.
We all deserve to be happy. Good luck on whatever you decide to do honey xxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi 3lb,
I think it's great that you're going to a therapist, and I hope s/he is a good one. With his/her help, you might be able to identify the reasons you've kept stayed in an unhealthy relationship and also to recognize the strengths you have that will help you create the healthy life you want. A lot of us (most?) dealt with trauma as children that can really impact our choices and behavior later in life. Once we start recognizing that, we can start to move on.
Some folks on here have recommended inner child work; I've found that Peter Bradshaw's "Homecoming," recommended by my therapist, speaks to me.
I think it's great that you're going to a therapist, and I hope s/he is a good one. With his/her help, you might be able to identify the reasons you've kept stayed in an unhealthy relationship and also to recognize the strengths you have that will help you create the healthy life you want. A lot of us (most?) dealt with trauma as children that can really impact our choices and behavior later in life. Once we start recognizing that, we can start to move on.
Some folks on here have recommended inner child work; I've found that Peter Bradshaw's "Homecoming," recommended by my therapist, speaks to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by 3littlebirds 
Thank you to everyone for all your responses.
It's hard to know something in your head and ignore your heart. I have never been too logical and always ignored the warning signs and red flags and instead listened to my heart. I guess that hasn't worked out so well for me and I need to learn to do what I know I need to do instead of what my heart wants.
It's hard to know something in your head and ignore your heart. I have never been too logical and always ignored the warning signs and red flags and instead listened to my heart. I guess that hasn't worked out so well for me and I need to learn to do what I know I need to do instead of what my heart wants.
I have mentioned on here before, that I taught my children from the time they were toddlers, to "trust their tummies". I would give you that same advice my friend.
I too spent years crying an ocean of tears before I decided that life was too short to keep living in such extreme misery. Life with an active alcoholic will never be anything but misery. I tried to tough it out until my youngest graduated high school but I failed at that. I also made myself a lot sicker by staying that extra time. ( And then beat myself up for not being strong enough uuggggg) By the way, it was both my heart and head told me staying was the 'right' thing to do. My debilitating anxiety attacks were my gut screaming at me to run for my life.. I just wasn't willing to listen... until I was.
Hugs
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just one other thought.
You don't have to resolve ALL doubt before you can leave. Most of us left with some of our doubts intact. Time and experience convinced us--AFTER the fact--that we had done the right thing, as painful as it was, and as doubtful as we were.
Part of the reason alcoholics keep drinking is because the prospect of living without it TERRIFIES them. So they stay stuck in addiction because they can't take that leap of faith that they WILL learn to live without it.
Same with us. If we can't SEE exactly how it will all play out and be OK, we don't want to make a move because it's too scary.
Take a look at all the people on this forum who have survived--and thrived--after leaving. Maybe it's not all sunshine and roses, especially in the beginning, but eventually life starts getting better. But it can't get better as long as you've still got that anchor around your neck dragging you down.
You don't have to resolve ALL doubt before you can leave. Most of us left with some of our doubts intact. Time and experience convinced us--AFTER the fact--that we had done the right thing, as painful as it was, and as doubtful as we were.
Part of the reason alcoholics keep drinking is because the prospect of living without it TERRIFIES them. So they stay stuck in addiction because they can't take that leap of faith that they WILL learn to live without it.
Same with us. If we can't SEE exactly how it will all play out and be OK, we don't want to make a move because it's too scary.
Take a look at all the people on this forum who have survived--and thrived--after leaving. Maybe it's not all sunshine and roses, especially in the beginning, but eventually life starts getting better. But it can't get better as long as you've still got that anchor around your neck dragging you down.
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