Do you ever stop doubting yourself?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
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Do you ever stop doubting yourself?
I wonder if the doubt ever goes away. I have left my AH at least 3 times over the last 24 years and I always go back. Last time was 4 years ago at that time I thought for certain that I knew what I wanted and I had enough of the pain and drama. But within 2 months I had fallen for his pleading and promises and moved back in with him.
I am attending alanon, and have my first appointment with a therapist today and I am reading as much as I can trying to make sense of what is happening. I feel like I have had enough and I know that my marriage isn't a healthy one, but I am so scared to leave. I don't want to give up on us, I don't want to move, I don't want to doubt my choice if I leave and end up running back because I can't handle the pain, or because I feel like I made the wrong decision. I can't imagine living without him and I yet I know I am not in the place I should be.
I cry about a hundred times a day, both at the thought of leaving and at the thought of staying. Sometimes I just want to run away.
I am attending alanon, and have my first appointment with a therapist today and I am reading as much as I can trying to make sense of what is happening. I feel like I have had enough and I know that my marriage isn't a healthy one, but I am so scared to leave. I don't want to give up on us, I don't want to move, I don't want to doubt my choice if I leave and end up running back because I can't handle the pain, or because I feel like I made the wrong decision. I can't imagine living without him and I yet I know I am not in the place I should be.
I cry about a hundred times a day, both at the thought of leaving and at the thought of staying. Sometimes I just want to run away.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
I suppose we are all different. I left my qualifier decades ago. It was so very painful and took years before I was okay. I have very rarely doubted that I did the right thing but still, all these years later, I still have times that I long for him.
3littlebirds, could you get a plan together of what you are going to do if/when you leave him? Who will support you? How will you fill the time that you don't spend with him? That sort of thing.
Big hug. This stuff is beyond difficult!
3littlebirds, could you get a plan together of what you are going to do if/when you leave him? Who will support you? How will you fill the time that you don't spend with him? That sort of thing.
Big hug. This stuff is beyond difficult!
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
I understand. I have my doubts so often. No contact helps. I believed his lies, and I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is abusive and an addict and he did not love me, even though he said he did.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Think about the emotional pain you're living with right now. You haven't dropped dead, have you?
Yes, you will experience emotional pain if you leave. There's no pain-free way to do it. The thing is, THAT pain will eventually subside. THIS pain--what you're living with right now--promises only to get worse, not better.
I think you're a heck of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Yes, you will experience emotional pain if you leave. There's no pain-free way to do it. The thing is, THAT pain will eventually subside. THIS pain--what you're living with right now--promises only to get worse, not better.
I think you're a heck of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I was with my AXH for 26 years. I was SO very scared... all the time...Scared to leave , scared to stay, scared what people, mainly my kids would think if I left, scared about his health, scared about mine, scared about money, scared about the future... scared of change.
Fear was fueling my anxiety and other health issues.
It was really, really, really scary to jump of the sinking ship that was my marriage.. but it was sink or swim and I chose swim.
It was not easy, but it was worth it.
Most of my fears, either never came to fruition or were very temporary states.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes". This is the phrase that gave me the strength to battle back my fears.
I also really like the saying I've seen around here lately about how hanging on to a toxic relationship is like hugging a cactus, the harder you hold on the worse it hurts. ( I know I just butchered that but the sentiment is the same!)
Yes it hurts, you know that. Maybe it will always echo a small ache, but it hurts a whole lot less now than it did when I was living amidst his alcoholism and my codependence.
I don't doubt my decision to end my marriage. I grieve for the situation, but I don't doubt it.
Wishing you peace in your decisions. Hugs.
Fear was fueling my anxiety and other health issues.
It was really, really, really scary to jump of the sinking ship that was my marriage.. but it was sink or swim and I chose swim.
It was not easy, but it was worth it.
Most of my fears, either never came to fruition or were very temporary states.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes". This is the phrase that gave me the strength to battle back my fears.
I also really like the saying I've seen around here lately about how hanging on to a toxic relationship is like hugging a cactus, the harder you hold on the worse it hurts. ( I know I just butchered that but the sentiment is the same!)
Yes it hurts, you know that. Maybe it will always echo a small ache, but it hurts a whole lot less now than it did when I was living amidst his alcoholism and my codependence.
I don't doubt my decision to end my marriage. I grieve for the situation, but I don't doubt it.
Wishing you peace in your decisions. Hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think it goes away. I mean, maybe not ALL the way away because we're human....but learning to listen to our instincts, making decisions with confidence, gaining fortitude, and sticking to our guns comes with practice and self care / love. The healthier we get, the more we trust ourselves to make healthy decisions. Fake it til ya make it.
It helped me to write down ALL of my thoughts on a subject that I need to make a decision on. More often than not, my first gut instinct is ME. All the rest is noise I create out of a lack of confidence, second guessing myself, and being wishy washy against what I KNOW to be true. When I write them down, I can separate my natural knowledge of what I want, need, and what's best for me....from all of the outside factors including friends, family, and my own sick self-destructive inner voice.....which gets more and more quiet the more I trust myself BTW. Hang in there. You know what's right for you, it's just getting the sick part of us to accept that it's going to be hard for a while, but will pay off with a life worth living well!
It helped me to write down ALL of my thoughts on a subject that I need to make a decision on. More often than not, my first gut instinct is ME. All the rest is noise I create out of a lack of confidence, second guessing myself, and being wishy washy against what I KNOW to be true. When I write them down, I can separate my natural knowledge of what I want, need, and what's best for me....from all of the outside factors including friends, family, and my own sick self-destructive inner voice.....which gets more and more quiet the more I trust myself BTW. Hang in there. You know what's right for you, it's just getting the sick part of us to accept that it's going to be hard for a while, but will pay off with a life worth living well!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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What I learned in Alanon is my vision is clouded by denial and rationalization which kept me stuck in a dreadful relationship. I suggest bringing up your situation in Alanon, I guarantee lots of people will relate. And, look at your track record, the fact that nothing changes. What complicates matters is most people feel fear at the thought of major life changes. Advice I got: "feel the fear and do it anyway." I couldn't have done it without the enormous support I got from fellow codependents/addicts.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
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Thank you to everyone for all your responses.
It's hard to know something in your head and ignore your heart. I have never been too logical and always ignored the warning signs and red flags and instead listened to my heart. I guess that hasn't worked out so well for me and I need to learn to do what I know I need to do instead of what my heart wants.
Is it normal at this stage of not knowing what to do or how to do it, to want to cry over everything? I feel like I could cry for endless hours, it's like I know that my marriage is over, but I'm still hoping for a miracle. I know it won't happen, I know it gets worse, I know all these things but it feels like my heart is being shattered into a million pieces.
Did you ever feel like, your relationship with A is different, like you are soulmates, like you've been through hell together, like somehow your relationship isn't like everyone else's like it's different or special? Maybe it's not different maybe everyone feels that way, maybe the people who are strong enough to walk away know better.
I'm just rambling, just typing random thoughts hoping it helps clear my head.
It's hard to know something in your head and ignore your heart. I have never been too logical and always ignored the warning signs and red flags and instead listened to my heart. I guess that hasn't worked out so well for me and I need to learn to do what I know I need to do instead of what my heart wants.
Is it normal at this stage of not knowing what to do or how to do it, to want to cry over everything? I feel like I could cry for endless hours, it's like I know that my marriage is over, but I'm still hoping for a miracle. I know it won't happen, I know it gets worse, I know all these things but it feels like my heart is being shattered into a million pieces.
Did you ever feel like, your relationship with A is different, like you are soulmates, like you've been through hell together, like somehow your relationship isn't like everyone else's like it's different or special? Maybe it's not different maybe everyone feels that way, maybe the people who are strong enough to walk away know better.
I'm just rambling, just typing random thoughts hoping it helps clear my head.
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Location: New York, NY
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Did you ever feel like, your relationship with A is different, like you are soulmates, like you've been through hell together, like somehow your relationship isn't like everyone else's like it's different or special?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by 3littlebirds 
Did you ever feel like, your relationship with A is different, like you are soulmates, like you've been through hell together, like somehow your relationship isn't like everyone else's like it's different or special?
I'd hazard a guess that every single new person who has come into this forum has started reading posts and immediately trying to find ways that THEIR relationship--THEIR alcoholic--is different from everyone else.
Sooner or later most realize that even though each relationship and alcoholic is unique, the characteristics of the disease and its inevitable progression are what they all have in common.
Until you accept that YOU cannot make the alcoholic's decision to recover FOR him, you will stay stuck. It's the disease that's in the driver's seat right now. Yes, people do sometimes have that moment of clarity and decide to give recovery everything they've got. The thing is, there are no signs you've mentioned indicating that your husband has the slightest interest or inclination in getting sober and staying that way.
So yes, I'd say it's "normal" to feel that you and your husband are "special" and exceptions to what countless cases would suggest will happen, but it's not helpful to you because it is keeping you from facing reality.
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Originally Posted by 3littlebirds
Is it normal at this stage of not knowing what to do or how to do it, to want to cry over everything?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Until you accept that YOU cannot make the alcoholic's decision to recover FOR him, you will stay stuck. It's the disease that's in the driver's seat right now. Yes, people do sometimes have that moment of clarity and decide to give recovery everything they've got. The thing is, there are no signs you've mentioned indicating that your husband has the slightest interest or inclination in getting sober and staying that way.
As far as him having any interest in stopping... I would say that adding Vodka to his nightly beer routine is indication that he doesn't have any interest in stopping. Although if I were to ask he really does want to stop and he is slowing down. Hilarious!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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"sometimes, I just want to run away"......I have an idea....Why don't you just go ahead and run away?
Ther has to be some reason that running away looks attractive to you...can you verbalize what that is?
It sounds, to me, like you are afraid of enduring the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
Here is another concept....I have an idea that you are grieving the loss of the relationship while you are STILL in it. Thus, your crying a hundred times a day and your heart feels shattered. Some people DO grieve the relationship BEFORE they leave it. (most do it afterward).
I think I did before I left my marriage.
If this is the case for you...you should be able to leave in about nine months without too much pain.
Start packing,,,,,,,,,,
Ther has to be some reason that running away looks attractive to you...can you verbalize what that is?
It sounds, to me, like you are afraid of enduring the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
Here is another concept....I have an idea that you are grieving the loss of the relationship while you are STILL in it. Thus, your crying a hundred times a day and your heart feels shattered. Some people DO grieve the relationship BEFORE they leave it. (most do it afterward).
I think I did before I left my marriage.
If this is the case for you...you should be able to leave in about nine months without too much pain.
Start packing,,,,,,,,,,
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Originally Posted by dandylion
"sometimes, I just want to run away"......I have an idea....Why don't you just go ahead and run away?
Ther has to be some reason that running away looks attractive to you...can you verbalize what that is?
Ther has to be some reason that running away looks attractive to you...can you verbalize what that is?
There are so many reasons it's so tempting to me though. I hate living in Texas, I'm from the west and Texas just isn't for me, if I were to leave AH he would never leave me alone, he would call, cry, beg, plead, and promise to change if I went back. I don't feel like I'm strong enough to resist that, if I did leave I would want to be far away from him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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3littlebirds.....like I said, I think you are pre-grieving the loss of the relationship...that usually takes about 9mo. to a year......
At that time you can leave...block him from all your media. If he co mes on the property...you can have him removed, by the police for trespassing (as long as you don't invite him into the house).
Many, many others, on this forum have faced the same thing...I would say..thousands! Maybe it would help you to read their real life stories.....
At that time you can leave...block him from all your media. If he co mes on the property...you can have him removed, by the police for trespassing (as long as you don't invite him into the house).
Many, many others, on this forum have faced the same thing...I would say..thousands! Maybe it would help you to read their real life stories.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
3littlebirds.....like I said, I think you are pre-grieving the loss of the relationship...that usually takes about 9mo. to a year......
At that time you can leave...block him from all your media. If he co mes on the property...you can have him removed, by the police for trespassing (as long as you don't invite him into the house).
Many, many others, on this forum have faced the same thing...I would say..thousands! Maybe it would help you to read their real life stories.....
At that time you can leave...block him from all your media. If he co mes on the property...you can have him removed, by the police for trespassing (as long as you don't invite him into the house).
Many, many others, on this forum have faced the same thing...I would say..thousands! Maybe it would help you to read their real life stories.....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the IDEA of having a soul mate is very attractive......that special perfect other half that fits our puzzle piece. the yin to our yang, the left to our right.
i once thought i had found my soul mate. it made me feel good, knowing i had The One, that the Universe had someone picked out just for me.
turns out, it really wasn't ALL THAT.....only in my mind. because i wanted it to be so. that soul mate had his own agenda......while we were very close for a long time, we were never two halves of a whole. we didn't share organs, heartbeats, breaths. no vulcan mind melds. lol
no one says you HAVE to leave. perhaps you can find a way to accept what is and find peace. that is key.......inner peace. but you'll have to find a way to not let his drinking be an issue for you. and that my dear is an artform of the highest degree!!!!
i once thought i had found my soul mate. it made me feel good, knowing i had The One, that the Universe had someone picked out just for me.
turns out, it really wasn't ALL THAT.....only in my mind. because i wanted it to be so. that soul mate had his own agenda......while we were very close for a long time, we were never two halves of a whole. we didn't share organs, heartbeats, breaths. no vulcan mind melds. lol
no one says you HAVE to leave. perhaps you can find a way to accept what is and find peace. that is key.......inner peace. but you'll have to find a way to not let his drinking be an issue for you. and that my dear is an artform of the highest degree!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
3LB,
Most people in a strong healthy relationship don't cry about 100 times a day my friend. You are in denial as we all are when we come here. All we want is him to stop drinking and get healthy. It's as easy as that!!!
Ugh!! For 34 years I listened to my heart. I knew, and he knew what he was doing was unacceptable. He just kept pushing and pushing and i kept allowing more and more. Three days before my divorce, after 34 years together, he asked if we were doing the right thing... Really?? Out every night, gone every weekend, an affair for almost 2 1/2 years, all the lies, me sleeping in my car at night because he was drunk, and so on and so on!!
Nothing changes if nothing changes, is right!! I walked into signing my divorce papers loving him more then I did on my wedding day. No one said that I had to hate him, I just could no longer live with him. I am 2 years post divorce. I still love him in my heart, but in my head, I know that I did the right thing.
Hugs my friend, you are doing the right thing!!
Most people in a strong healthy relationship don't cry about 100 times a day my friend. You are in denial as we all are when we come here. All we want is him to stop drinking and get healthy. It's as easy as that!!!
Ugh!! For 34 years I listened to my heart. I knew, and he knew what he was doing was unacceptable. He just kept pushing and pushing and i kept allowing more and more. Three days before my divorce, after 34 years together, he asked if we were doing the right thing... Really?? Out every night, gone every weekend, an affair for almost 2 1/2 years, all the lies, me sleeping in my car at night because he was drunk, and so on and so on!!
Nothing changes if nothing changes, is right!! I walked into signing my divorce papers loving him more then I did on my wedding day. No one said that I had to hate him, I just could no longer live with him. I am 2 years post divorce. I still love him in my heart, but in my head, I know that I did the right thing.
Hugs my friend, you are doing the right thing!!
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