seizetheday

I just realized my husband is an alcoholic. He hides vodka in the garage. He's been drinking probably daily, and visibly drunk most weekends for the last 6 weeks at least. Alcohol and drinking has been an issue throughout our marriage, but it always seemed bingy and therefore I didn't really think about the term "alcoholic". Seems so dumb. He goes through 1 bottle of secret vodka a week, I think. Plus wine, since he thinks I don't know about the secret vodka. I don't want to tell him I found his vodka, because he'll hide it somewhere else. At least now I can gage how much he's drank and behave appropriately. I am certain I'm quite the enabler, but not sure of all of this quite yet. The lingo, the dynamics. I'm sure as I read more here it will all continue to be a big "ah-ha!" as to both my behavior and his. I'm just sad. The last week or so has been eye opening. He's been way worse because I'm pregnant and he thinks its the end of the world. We both have great jobs, benefits, a beautiful home, childcare, a nice savings. He only sees the negative though. He thinks we're old. And, since he is his #1 priority, caring for our 3 year old and another baby stresses him out. I was sick for about 7 weeks with nausea and vomiting. Never missed work though. He was marginally helpful if I asked. Never once asked me how I was feeling. He mostly drank and made comments like "our life went from 100 to 5 in a moment". Last weekend I was out with my mom and daughter for a Halloween event. He texted asking me to come home and bring alcohol. Any type, because he hurt his back and needed it. I played along as I do. I deep down knew he was drunk and out of his normal sense. I left the fun early and brought him alcohol. Suggested meds, a hot shower, etc. He refused all but the wine (I'm sure he wanted me to pick up whiskey or vodka). Passed out on the living room floor. Faked pain all night. What shook me into reality was when my tired and grumpy 3 year old (who was pulled away from her grandmother and fun activity to go home and do nothing) was whining asking for a 20th snack and he yelled "Don't be an ass!" and hit her chair so she got bounced and scared. How could I expose her to this? I feel like the worst mother in the world. When that happened it was like the rose colored glasses were ripped from my face and I saw everything for how it really was. I had to babysit my drunk husband, laying on the ground, yelling, smelly, in the same clothes for 2 days. This is a horrible, life. I've felt "trapped" for the last several weekends, just responding to his level of drunk and doing whatever he wants needs or has a whim for. My poor little girl deserves so much better. Now I just have a seething hatred for him. But I've said nothing. Every time I voice anger or hurt in general, he quickly gets angry at me for HOW I said how I felt, or that my feelings are uncalled for, or that I hurt him worse. Somehow when I voice anything other than agreement it always is my fault and I end up apologizing anyway. So I've said nothing. Cause I don't know where to start. If he asks what's wrong I just want to say "well, you are an alcoholic. You've been drunk for weeks and I'm done with it. I want nothing to do with you." That's how I feel right now and this is really just a venting because as I read stickies and posts I realized that many of you have lived these horrible nights, the remorseful days, the walking on eggshells. So I had to write this for me. To put in black and white that I'm not alone or crazy. This happens. And, while I do realize I'm responsible for my life and actions and what I expose my daughter to, I can also say that his behavior and his choices are not my fault.

Maudcat

This does happen, seizeheday. You are definitely not alone. Welcome to Sober Recovery. Right now seems scary and out of conrol, and no wonder. You are coming to terms with your husband's behavior. Have you been to Al-Anon? It's a fellowship of people just like you, troubled by a loved one's drinking. Could be a great source of support, as is this forum. Lots of wisdom here. I am sure others will be along to welcome you and offer support. Good luck. Keep coming back.

maia1234

S,
Welcome my friend, and glad you found us. It looks like you are in need of a someone who understands. This forum is amazing and can help with any of the craziness that is happening in your home.

This of course is really not a good time for you with a "selfish" ah (alcoholic husband) when you are pregnant, work and have a 3 year old to chase after. Sounds like your plate is very full. I think you are doing great with not engaging with him, what good is it really going to get you. I would really recommend you trying to hit an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting. This can give some face to face support.

Please keep reading the stickies and asking questions. In alanon they do recommend that you take 6 months before you make any major decision in your life. Educate yourself about alcoholism and how you want to move forward. In time you will have the strength to do what you need to do for you and your children.

Sending hugs as we are all here for!!

dandylion

siezetheday.....while you are reading and learning, here, I suggest that you seek out alanon for yourself.....to begin preparing your own self for the future....
It is good that you are still in the earlier stages of pregnancy...as it will give you considerably more time to devote to your own growth, before delivery.
Look at this as a golden opportunity.
If y ou don't want to tell him that you are going to alanon--that is your own choice, of course.
You can always tell him that you are attending a woman's self enrichment class.

firebolt

(((HUGS))) You are in the right place! You deserve way more than what you are getting from him, so do your kids.

That stands out to me so much.

What is your fear of saying and doing what you want to do? You can make a list of answers for yourself, and I bet that through one or a combination of being here, counseling, Alanon or Coda meetings, and some recommended books, you'll check those fears off as irrational with valid roots... one by one.

Lilro

Good Morning and Welcome. You've already received some great advice so I really don't have too much to add. Just know that we are here for you.
Big Hug, we've all been there and get it!
Ro

ladyscribbler

I was pregnant when I realized my ex is an alcoholic. Unlike you, I chose denial and isolation rather than reaching for help. Sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us. And kudos for having the courage to join and share your story.

Sending lots of love to you and your little girl.

seizetheday

Thank you all for your kind replies. Thanks for the advice about attending al-anon meetings, especially telling him it's an enrichment class. That would be my big issue, telling him where I'm going.

It's funny, I'm very calm amid this storm. And I think he can tell something is different. After weeks of nightly drinking, criticizing and verbally abusing me, he's fallen sober and quiet. Maybe because of my attitude, maybe because the weekend was so rough, maybe because he actually missed work on Monday (this was a first, missing work because of drinking). I don't really know, but it was nice that he wasn't drunk and mean last night.

I've been devouring the posts around here. It's so eye opening. I'm a very codependent enabling partner. He's very emotionally and verbally abusive. I've decided to seek out a therapist. Lucky for me one that takes my insurance is literally minutes down the street from me and has a lot of availability. That's going to be my step one. Or step two, I guess coming here was step one.

Tomorrow my daughter turns 3. I'm so thrilled for her. She's so excited and we're having a family party on Saturday. I'm going to ask him not to drink this weekend. Who knows how he'll respond, but I don't care. I'm asking him for this outright because this is truly what I want. He's had drunk issues at past family gatherings, he's never helpful with serving or presents, he never even watches her open gifts. He's always in another room drinking with his father while she opens gifts. So I'm asking him to not drink and if he questions me I'm just going to be honest and say I'm sick of the drinking, I can't tiptoe, walk on eggshells, or deal with his drunk behavior and criticisms of me. I want to enjoy our daughter and family, not be a nervous wreck watching him and counting his drinks.

I feel better since coming here and reading all this. Almost 20 years ago I struggled with eating disorder issues. I hit them all, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating. I feel like I can "relate" to him because I went through this. But I chose treatment for myself, made drastic changes, checked into a treatment facility and took a leave from college. I really left that stuff behind (after lots of work). I am anxious to start with a therapist, I am sure my past experience will come up, I am sure my past issues are resurfacing somehow but in my limited free time I can't seems to tear away from these boards to go back and dig through my memories and issues and see how they fall into place.

Anyway, thank you for all the messages of support. You are all so helpful and kind and I appreciate it so much.

maia1234

S,
I know you are so excited about your babies birthday party. Your husband is an alcoholic and asking him not to drink is like asking us not to breath. It's what they do. Please lower your expectations of him, so he doesn't ruin your day. Addicts always like to make it all about them.

If he is drinking don't let it be your obsession to get mad at him and distract you. People know who he is and probably know more then they let on. Let him be who he is and who he going to be. You go on and have a blast and celebrate. I hope he chooses to support you in request not to drink, but press the "ignore him" button if he does.

Hugs my friend and happy 3rd birthday to baby seize the day!!!

theuncertainty

So glad you're reaching out for support, Seizetheday. Happy, happy birthday to your kiddo!

SparkleKitty

^^ This, a thousand times.

He is going to do what he is going to do. Try to keep your focus on your child.

atalose

Those are two of the most important issues you need to know………….what alcoholism is, how alcoholics behave and most important…………..it’s not your fault!!!

Keep reading and keep posting/venting…..and for sure check out al-anon.