no contact with DS
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no contact with DS
Well it has been almost 5 months and DS won't talk with me. I left STBXAH on may 27 - talked to DS on may 28 and he said, Maybe this will be a wakeup call for his dad. But since that day DS refuses to have anything to do with me. He does see his Dad. I last tried to text DS about two months ago but I have given up- it's just too painful. I have cried buckets of tears. I have not had the chance to tell my side of the story and with the holidays approaching I am again reminded I have lost my son. I know some of you say he will come back- but I have to say I am so angry at him, I don't know what I can even say or feel if he does- this just seems so cruel and heartless. I don't know if this is healthy or not but I have begun telling myself there is no hope and I have no son. I don't even think I could accept him back unless he sincerely apologizes and gives a very good reason for tearing my heart out. I wouldn't say that last part to him- or maybe I would. I have never been so heart broken. What kind of creep of a son did I raise that he would do this?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't know for sure what he's dealing with, inside. He's been damaged by his alcoholic father, and he may somehow think he will hurt his father if he maintains a relationship with you. I have no idea, but I wouldn't necessarily consider him a monster. It's terrible that he's hurting you so, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that's his intent. He may be just a very messed-up young man at this point.
I know it doesn't help your emptiness any, but try not to think of him as a "creep." It doesn't help your hurt to demonize him.
Many hugs,
I know it doesn't help your emptiness any, but try not to think of him as a "creep." It doesn't help your hurt to demonize him.
Many hugs,
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Location: Western US
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Wow qtpi, this must be beyond excruciating. I pray for healing for both of you.
I second what Lexiecat is saying although I'm not a Mom so can't comprehend how much this must hurt. I'm super bonded with my nephews who are 10 and 14 and I always thing there are no guarantees. Specially at their age, they are on the cusp of change and they may very well choose a life in which I am not a part. It is so hard to think about and I know it is not the same as being a Mom.
Big hug to you qtpi. If you pray, pray hard! And let us know how you get on.
I second what Lexiecat is saying although I'm not a Mom so can't comprehend how much this must hurt. I'm super bonded with my nephews who are 10 and 14 and I always thing there are no guarantees. Specially at their age, they are on the cusp of change and they may very well choose a life in which I am not a part. It is so hard to think about and I know it is not the same as being a Mom.
Big hug to you qtpi. If you pray, pray hard! And let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
You have no idea what your STBAXH is saying to your son. And if your son is only getting one side of the story, he's going to align himself with that side, not yours.
When my sister had her affair and split up her marriage, she told us that her husband was into threesomes and forced her into an open relationship, and that's why she had her affair. She also told us that her ex was engaged with an emotional affair with her then best friend. I believed my sister hook, line and sinker. It was only when I found her lying to ME that I realized that what she said didn't necessarily align with reality. But that process took a while, because not only did I have to admit my sister was lying to me, but I also had to come to terms with the fact that I had made a serious error in judgment. The same process awaits your son.
There was a recent Dear Sugar podcast about children distancing themselves from their parents that you might find helpful.
Dear Sugar: I Divorced My Spouse, And My Child Divorced Me | Dear Sugar Radio
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
When my sister had her affair and split up her marriage, she told us that her husband was into threesomes and forced her into an open relationship, and that's why she had her affair. She also told us that her ex was engaged with an emotional affair with her then best friend. I believed my sister hook, line and sinker. It was only when I found her lying to ME that I realized that what she said didn't necessarily align with reality. But that process took a while, because not only did I have to admit my sister was lying to me, but I also had to come to terms with the fact that I had made a serious error in judgment. The same process awaits your son.
There was a recent Dear Sugar podcast about children distancing themselves from their parents that you might find helpful.
Dear Sugar: I Divorced My Spouse, And My Child Divorced Me | Dear Sugar Radio
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by qtpi 
Well it has been almost 5 months and DS won't talk with me. I left STBXAH on may 27 - talked to DS on may 28 and he said, Maybe this will be a wakeup call for his dad. But since that day DS refuses to have anything to do with me. He does see his Dad. I last tried to text DS about two months ago but I have given up- it's just too painful. I have cried buckets of tears. I have not had the chance to tell my side of the story and with the holidays approaching I am again reminded I have lost my son. I know some of you say he will come back- but I have to say I am so angry at him, I don't know what I can even say or feel if he does- this just seems so cruel and heartless. I don't know if this is healthy or not but I have begun telling myself there is no hope and I have no son. I don't even think I could accept him back unless he sincerely apologizes and gives a very good reason for tearing my heart out. I wouldn't say that last part to him- or maybe I would. I have never been so heart broken. What kind of creep of a son did I raise that he would do this?
You really don't have any idea of what your ex is saying to your son, or what kind of a pity party he is involving your children in.
I am in the same position as you are in. I made many mistakes during the years. I hope that my mistakes can help someone else.
See, my ex, was really really good and convincing. I had to leave my home, he made it impossible for me to stay there. He was feeding my older children the whole time with how concerned he was about me. Telling my son to help me out with getting a computer, that I really needed one. Telling all of my children that when our house was sold that he wanted me to have all of the furniture, for when I purchased a house. Always acting so concerned about me. He lied. He told me that he got rid of all of the furniture and that nothing was mine.
There were also other things going on. He refused to split any holidays or birthdays with me. He expected me to go to these things with him there, when he was the one who filed for the divorce. I just couldn't do it. Really, who in there right mind would? I started to go the day before the party, helped set it up, did all the cooking, then would have to leave before he got there. But he played that pity card with them. Played it big time.
Then came the time that someone called CPS on my daughter. I do think he had something to do with this. I didn't call CPS. None of my children spoke to me for over a year and a half.
He had somehow also convinced them that I was trying to put them in the middle of everything. I couldn't say a word, they just jumped all over me and defended him.
One thing that I do remember clearly is that they all told me that they finally had a father who was acting like a father now, and I think they were starting to blame me for him not acting like a father because I was there, and it was my fault.
My youngest daughter even accused me of throwing myself down a flight of steps to give myself a black eye, so that I could call the cops on her dad and have him thrown in jail.
My advice...... Don't involve your children in anything. Just show them respect and love. Eventually they will come around. Maybe not this year or next year, but they will.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am going to share something personal here, that I hope will help.
My dad was the addict of the family, but my mother was the scary one. She was full of rage, and she projected it onto me.
Sometimes we family members can come across in ways that we are unaware of. Just suggesting maybe you exercise care in your interactions with your son.
My dad was the addict of the family, but my mother was the scary one. She was full of rage, and she projected it onto me.
Sometimes we family members can come across in ways that we are unaware of. Just suggesting maybe you exercise care in your interactions with your son.
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Posts: 16,246
qtpi......I know that the pain in your h eart is excrutiating. Sort of like a m ourning for a lost loved one. (I imagine) that you fear that he has lost his love for you and that all is lost.
I would give anything if I had a magic way to remove that p ain from your heart, right now. But, I know that the reality of it is that ti
me is what it takes.
Who knows what kind of crazy dysfunction is going o n in his mind! One could make a potential list of factors that would be an arm long.
The relationship between his parents was bad enough for you to want to leave it. That must have, surely, given him some pretty crazy messages......
For one...and I am going to spitball, a bit, here....if he saw his father being catered to ...he may have internalized that, and figure that someone has to take care of his dad now. If his father was dismissive of him, growing up--maybe he is getting some attention focused on him now, by his dad...and he wants to keep it going by being loyal to his dad, right now.
Maybe, it is that he is confident of your love and figures that you are always going to be there for him...but, he isn't sure of his father and is trying to nourish the relationship with his father...? It could even be possible that he feels that he has to take a side, now, and feels guilty that he is sitting in his father's bleachers and ashamed to face you...so he withdraws.
Combine any of these potential scenarios with his youth; perhaps an inability to verbally express his feelings; that he may be feeling a lot of confusion within himself; that he is male and may be identifying with the male role model......and, on and on....
What I am trying to say, is that it is very, very complicated....to say the least.
I wish I had an answer for you....
One suggestion that I have is that it may bring you comfort and enlightenment if you were to l ook into attending Adult Children of Alcoholics.. at least, do some of the recommended readings that they suggest....
I will say to you, that, this I know....if he l oved you at 6yrs. of age, he will always love you. Those feelings are probably buried under layers of his confusion, for the time being. We never lose our love for our parents...nor, the longing for that love.
I hope that you can have faith that this is true, to carry you through this very difficult and painful time.
By the way, any feelings that you are having, right now, are normal, in my opinion. We can't control our natural feelings....it is just how we express them. I completely understand that you feel angry with your son, right now.
The minute they reconnect with us, in some way...that feeling vanishes in one second...lol...
I hope that you will continue to post, here, and continue to work on your healing. It is a process, you know.....
I would give anything if I had a magic way to remove that p ain from your heart, right now. But, I know that the reality of it is that ti
me is what it takes.
Who knows what kind of crazy dysfunction is going o n in his mind! One could make a potential list of factors that would be an arm long.
The relationship between his parents was bad enough for you to want to leave it. That must have, surely, given him some pretty crazy messages......
For one...and I am going to spitball, a bit, here....if he saw his father being catered to ...he may have internalized that, and figure that someone has to take care of his dad now. If his father was dismissive of him, growing up--maybe he is getting some attention focused on him now, by his dad...and he wants to keep it going by being loyal to his dad, right now.
Maybe, it is that he is confident of your love and figures that you are always going to be there for him...but, he isn't sure of his father and is trying to nourish the relationship with his father...? It could even be possible that he feels that he has to take a side, now, and feels guilty that he is sitting in his father's bleachers and ashamed to face you...so he withdraws.
Combine any of these potential scenarios with his youth; perhaps an inability to verbally express his feelings; that he may be feeling a lot of confusion within himself; that he is male and may be identifying with the male role model......and, on and on....
What I am trying to say, is that it is very, very complicated....to say the least.
I wish I had an answer for you....
One suggestion that I have is that it may bring you comfort and enlightenment if you were to l ook into attending Adult Children of Alcoholics.. at least, do some of the recommended readings that they suggest....
I will say to you, that, this I know....if he l oved you at 6yrs. of age, he will always love you. Those feelings are probably buried under layers of his confusion, for the time being. We never lose our love for our parents...nor, the longing for that love.
I hope that you can have faith that this is true, to carry you through this very difficult and painful time.
By the way, any feelings that you are having, right now, are normal, in my opinion. We can't control our natural feelings....it is just how we express them. I completely understand that you feel angry with your son, right now.
The minute they reconnect with us, in some way...that feeling vanishes in one second...lol...
I hope that you will continue to post, here, and continue to work on your healing. It is a process, you know.....
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
After two months of not texting I sent him a text. I watched that Sugar video and one thing that was said is if you don't try to keep in contact- the child may feel abandoned- so that's my excuse. i told him if he still needs more time i understand but i will always always always love him. that was last night and i haven't heard back. i have three big stressors now and this one is the worst. Filling out the financial forms- ugh- is number two and three is I just increased my work hours but I am still going to have less money in a month because I need to get benefits - paying for them- and i will also lose 15% because of getting benefits. you have all given me food for thought. I have to think about what i want- I want him back in my life- but he is 26 years old and i thought a reasonable adult. I guess he is going to have some explaining to do on his end if he wants back in to my life. From watching that sugar video that is not the right attitude- but really- what would it hurt him to sit down and talk with me? he has got to know this is killing me- it feels like he is deliberately punishing me. As i said i have never been so heartbroken. I lost a baby at birth and this tops that experience. People at work know him and know me and they can't believe it.
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qtpi.....when you ever do have the chance to talk with him......here is a suggestion:
Try to use "I" statements. Not--you have done this and that...you bad child...how could you....you owe me....(all "you" statements).
"you" statements automatically cause defensiveness and are read as criticism, when coming from a parent...as well as possible rejection.
"I" statements allow him to see a p iece of your heart and how his actions may have affected you. He is then, more free to process this and respond to you with a better attitude.
Personally, I like "snail mail". Nice cards...with, perhaps, a short note, inside...Like...".I am missing your smile and your laughter.".
I would continue to send a birthday gift and a Christmas gift, etc. whith a note of love, inside.
Now, young people, may not even respond...but, you can trust me, on this---you message gets heard!!!!!!!!!
Because they don't say anything...it doesn't mean that they don't FEEL anything.
You know...even in families with no crisis, such as this, going on...it is not uncommon for them to go for very long periods of time without contacting and talking to their caretakers.....really....
Try to use "I" statements. Not--you have done this and that...you bad child...how could you....you owe me....(all "you" statements).
"you" statements automatically cause defensiveness and are read as criticism, when coming from a parent...as well as possible rejection.
"I" statements allow him to see a p iece of your heart and how his actions may have affected you. He is then, more free to process this and respond to you with a better attitude.
Personally, I like "snail mail". Nice cards...with, perhaps, a short note, inside...Like...".I am missing your smile and your laughter.".
I would continue to send a birthday gift and a Christmas gift, etc. whith a note of love, inside.
Now, young people, may not even respond...but, you can trust me, on this---you message gets heard!!!!!!!!!
Because they don't say anything...it doesn't mean that they don't FEEL anything.
You know...even in families with no crisis, such as this, going on...it is not uncommon for them to go for very long periods of time without contacting and talking to their caretakers.....really....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Thanks-all good suggestions- dandylion. I can't stop the tears today. What kills me is he is seeing his father- and won't even talk to me. Back to these financial forms - ugh. I am hoping to finish today. Then I am going out to dinner with a friend.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
These are clickable links to the books about emotional cutoff that I have found most useful ...
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Cut...dp/0789014602/
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Speaking-...dp/0393707040/
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Famil...dp/0071412425/
https://www.amazon.com/FORGIVENESS-N...dp/1935097792/
https://www.amazon.com/Make-Peace-An...dp/0312310013/
You will also find a bunch of articles on this topic here ...
https://www.google.com/search?q=emotional+cut+off
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Cut...dp/0789014602/
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Speaking-...dp/0393707040/
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Famil...dp/0071412425/
https://www.amazon.com/FORGIVENESS-N...dp/1935097792/
https://www.amazon.com/Make-Peace-An...dp/0312310013/
You will also find a bunch of articles on this topic here ...
https://www.google.com/search?q=emotional+cut+off
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
You have no idea what your STBAXH is saying to your son. And if your son is only getting one side of the story, he's going to align himself with that side, not yours.
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
I believed my sister hook, line and sinker. It was only when I found her lying to ME that I realized that what she said didn't necessarily align with reality. But that process took a while, because not only did I have to admit my sister was lying to me, but I also had to come to terms with the fact that I had made a serious error in judgment.
Fortunately her best friend had the wisdom to see that this was connected to her drinking and she recognised this behavior as symptomatic of major drinking issues.
My ex's family however seemed to not see through her nonsensical stories about me. I was treated as if I was some abusive person who needed to be removed immediately from my ex's life - when in reality I had absolutely exhausted myself trying to get her to stop destroying herself with alcohol.
My ex's best friend who had seen the reality of my ex's drinking and behavior, and my efforts to get her help, was outraged by the way I was treated by my ex's family - she described it as "a disgrace".
The xmas after I was ostracised, and feeling very alone, it was my ex's best friend who had me over for dinner with her husband and gave me one of the few xmas gifts I got that year - that small gift meant so much to me.
To this day, my ex's two closest female friends stay in contact with me and have been hugely supportive towards me about everything.
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